Separating Man Needing Support

[computerperson]

Hello everyone...I'm been thumbing through your posts today and I thought I would put something up since, well, I need some support.

 

My wife, of 1 year, and I have been having communication problems and just issue with everyday life that has caused us to decide to separate. To give a little background, she was previously married, at 17, with 2 children from that first marriage, of 10 or so years, and we have none. We were pretty good "work" friends going to lunch and just chatting for about 6 months until her husband and her decided to separate. Unfortunately, we jumped into something a little too soon and had to call it off when she wavered on her separation. We didn't speak for about 7 months afterwards until she emailed me explaining that she needed time alone and was now ready to be friends or maybe more. We tried to be friends for a little while, but wanted to be together more than just that. About 7 months later, I bought a new house for us and her 2 children and we got married about 7 months after that.

 

We have been having problems since about 5 months into the marriage and I believe now, at 13 months, we've hit the point of no return. As I said, it's mostly just life and I believe not having enough in common that has pushed us apart, but there seem to be some other, larger issues. One is children, in the fact that she swears she doesn't want anymore and I don't know if I do...I might some day, but I just don't know. But I believe the larger issue is that she never had a chance to be herself, and now she's starting to need that and I prevent her from it. I've tried to back off some, but I cannot be alone in this relationship all the time. She's also said that she doesn't even know that she wants it to work out between us.

 

It's my belief that she doesn't want it to work anymore...that's she's being nice to me because I helped her out so much...I think we needed each other when we started dating but she doesn't need me anymore.

 

I'm just afraid that we could be making a mistake. I care about her deeply and she does care about me, but I think I'm preventing her from what she needs and I need more than she can give me. In the end, I think the damage may already be done and we might just be a little too different.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I'm feeling like I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life...like I'm taking some large steps backwards. I'm probably going to sell our home because I cannot stay here, and just rent an apartment closer to my family and work for a while but I guess I feel like I failed. I didn't want to be someone that got divorced, I wanted to marry the girl of my dreams and stay with her for the rest of my life. The problem is, I don't know if she is the girl of my dreams. I think we probably made a mistake, but this is just hurting so much...I feel so alone. I know this will get better with time, but I'm afraid that I'm going to look back at this and regret it not working.

 

I feel a little better writing this...I'm sure there is no good advice on the subject, I just needed to get it out. I have to let go, I think it's the best thing for me, her and her girls.

[sportsloving]

I am sorry you are in such a sad situation. Have you considered going to counseling and seeing if you can find the common ground again? Have you two sat down and really discussed the issues that seem to be hindering your relationship?

 

I understand if you really and truly feel that divorce is your only option (for you and her daughters) but perhaps with some counseling you two can work things out so that both parties are getting what you want/need from the marriage.

 

Good luck to you both

[computerperson]

Well we have seen a consoler a few times and he's told us things to work on...like me giving her some space when she needs it, but the problem is she needs space 6 or 7 days of the week. Having a child so young has lead her to miss some of her growing up and now she's trying to catch up on that. I cannot be in a marriage where I'm alone all of the time, I just can't give her all of the space she needs and she cannot seem to meet me closer to the middle. It's not that she doesn't want to be with me, she doesn't want to be with anyone.

 

She's a great person, a wonderful mother, but we have lost that connection and I think it's too late to get it back.

[TempSain]

From what you have written, I would say that she is confused.

Getting married at 17 and then jumping into another relationship sounds irresponsible to me.

She probably wants to live out her single life that she missed out while she was originally married.

Even though she told you that she just wants to be alone, she may not be telling you all her true feelings.

You need a healthy relationship, not one from a women that wants 6 - 7 days left alone.

Sorry to tell you such sad news but I think she is either regretting leaving her first husband or thinking about being alone.

[Argentinia5]

I was in a similar situation. Me and my husband got married only 7 months after dating. He was a friend of my first husband. My husband died, he got divorced and by a miracle he moved into my neighborhood (not knowing I lived there) and our two boys attended the same elementary school. The boys became friends and amazing as it sounds we hooked up and thought it was fate that brought us together.

 

The 7 months of dating were a blast - we went fishing, hunting, traveling with the boys and everyone got along great.......until he pushed marriage. I reluctantly married him - I had doubts and concerns but he swore this was fate, we were meant to be together and raise our boys together, etc.

 

Well we got married and then all hell broke loose. The boys started fighting and hating each other - they didn't want to be brothers or have to live in the same house. My son refused to accept my husband as his father or move into their house..........it was a nightmare. Plus I had some major concerns about how he raises his son compared to how I raise my son, morals/values, etc.

 

We got married in January and the pressure of marriage killed it for me. I couldn't move into his house because it didn't feel right - there were major red flags. His son was caught abusing neighborhood cats (I have three cats). He told my son he'd "slaughter" our cats when we moved in. When I brought this to my husband's attention he asked me to get rid of the cats. His son got expelled from carrying a knife to school........total juvenile delinquent.

 

My son is very reserved, well behaved and LOVES animals. Needless to say that was just ONE issue I had about moving in.

 

My husband then berrated me and constantly put me down about not moving in and how we were married - I should do what he asked and get into his house NOW and be his damn wife. He started treating my son like the plaque - told him "Your mom belongs to me now!".

 

Turned into a nightmare! I ran like hell, filed for divorce and divorced him three weeks ago.

 

My advice? Don't pressure her - give her room, be supportive and loving. Otherwise she might go the same route I did. Good luck to you.

 

(Sorry to unload here but I needed to get it all out!).

[computerperson]

Well I don't think she's regretting leaving her first husband...other than for her kids. I don't think she would ever want to get back with him because he has wronged her in some ways. I haven't gotten details, but I don't think it was a good thing for her.

 

As for her living out her single life, that could be part of it but I don't think that's the thing right now. All I have to believe and go on is what she's told me and it seems that she has some of her own stuff to sort out. In addition to the failed first marriage, child at 17 is a childhood that was, maybe, borderline abusive. She has some problems as a child that she will always be working through.

 

Her personal consoler has suggested to her that we "reframe" the situation, in that we should try to be friends first and then see what happens.

 

The question I cannot seem to answer is how long and how hard should we have to try. We've been having problems since January and we just started consoling, only 3 sessions, with our 4th tomorrow. I think are just starting to see the other person's side of the problem, but I don't know if it's just too late or if she even wants it to work.

 

The other problem is a deadline that she has kind of set because of her children...she doesn't want them to start the year in one school, then move to another school during the year. I can understand what she's saying, but I don't know if 4 or 6 weeks is enough to get us really moving on the right path.

 

And I don't know if I even want this to work anymore...and I don't know if my problem is just the fear of being back out there...dating again and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. I'm probably just scared and that's what's holding me back.

 

I do care for my wife, deeply, though I'm not "in love" with her at the moment. I think she's pretty much in the same boat, except she has some personal things to get through that requires me to give her some space.

 

As always, there is no right answer...I just don't want to make a decision that I'll regret for the rest of my life.

[TempSain]

I often simplify women into cars.

I know I am gonna get a lot of crap from the females on this board about this.

Sounds like she is full of problems. Like a car that constantly has some mechanical problems, some may be fixable and then some may not. It all depends on your perception of value of the car.

Is it really worth all the troubles? Only you can answer that.

[Virginia]

Comparing women to cars...... Can I compare men to boats? My ex was a sinking barge. I was constantly trying to rescue a drowning man - only to get sucked down with him. I had to let go so I could come up for air, breathe and swim back to shore. Had to save myself and let him go.

 

Sometimes you just gotta cut that umbilical cord that's keeping you attached and tell yourself you deserve a better relationship.

 

Speaking of cars and boats - relationships can be like oil and water - no matter how hard you try they just won't go together. It's heartbreaking to end a relationship because you had such big hopes and dreams - but it's better to be healthy single instead of married and ill.

[computerperson]

I really appreciate everyone's quick responses and concern for me and my feelings.

 

Extracting the point of what you're saying, I understand what you're saying about SOME women and cars...and, for the ladies, I'm sure that same (or similar) comparison can be made between SOME men and cars.

 

My wife is a wonderful lady, a great mother and she does have some problems where I seem to take the brunt of the anger. I have a feeling that at this point we may be the oil and water situation and it does hurt/suck/etc.

 

She would totally be worth it, if she was willing to work with me...my problem is that she doesn't have much, if any, hope, and I can feel the hopelessness from her on a daily basis. I cannot try to work this out alone. Also, I understand that she would prefer to have her girls situated with school before the year starts, but she wants to make a decision by then. I don't think that 4-6 weeks would be enough and, frankly, I'm tired over ALWAYS being put behind the girls. We're talking about the end of our relationship, if I were in her shoes, I would want to make sure I tried everything before walking away, even if that meant switch the girls a month or two into school. I realize that is a tough situation and there is a part of me that does agree with her opinion on the matter, but it just seems like she's using it as an excuse because we've been to 3 session with the consoler and things are getting somewhat better, no spark yet, but she doesn't seem to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

 

At this point, I think I should just let go because I deserve better than this, but it's still hard because I love her and I'll always miss her. I just want to make sure I've exhausted every avenue I can before throwing in the towel.

[computerperson]

I've looked through some of the other threads in this forum and I feel kind of like a whiner. I mean some of these people have serious problems, children directly involved, and other things, but I'm complaining because my marriage might be over with really no major problems. We've already discussed a lot of the issues and I don't think we would need lawyers or anything like that...it seems like it would be very painless.

 

But marriage is something that is very important to me and I chose my wife for a reason. I remember how I felt the 2 times I lost her...I was a mess. I just want to make sure that we're not making a mistake by ending it. If our relationship has run it's course, then I'll get through the aftermath, but I want to make sure we've done everything we can.

 

From what I've written, I guess I've made it seem like it's more her fault that mine, but the truth is, I've done some stupid things. I was distance early in our marriage, from her and her children, and we always seem to disagree about any decision, some of which just has to be my fault. Also, I guess I've based a lot of my happiness on her and our relationship...not making myself happy too.

 

I realize there is almost no right decision because either way there will be something in me that wonders. I just wish I could get a sign as to what I'm suppose to do...I just wish this would be black and white for a change.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone...I'm sorry for the complaining.

[sportsloving]

It isn't complaining, you are losing your marriage and no matter how "amicable" it happens, it still hurts. You loved her enough to want to share your life with her, no matter the cause of the demise, it still is a horrible feeling. Even the "nice" divorces hurt

 

It doesn't sound very promising, she has some issues she needs to deal with, no one seems very happy, and there are time limits. I doubt much could be accomplished in the time limit, so that has to cause questioning of "what ifs".

 

LS has no "requirements" to posting, you can post anything (well almost) that you want too. You don't need a certain level of pain, confusion or whatnots to be able to write. I don't know that you needed advice so much as you needed to vent your feelings and hurt. It is perfectly understandable and I hope you continue to write when you need too.

 

Take care of yourself No one can give you the answer or sign that you are looking for, except your heart. If the marriage is truly over, and things can't be "fixed" it is time for you both to look to the future and your own happiness.

 

I wish you the best, always.

[computerperson]

Thanks, I appreciate the support...I just feel badly because other people have worse problems and I wish they would be doing better.

 

I think you're right, I need to let it all go. We're seeing the consoler tonight and I'm going to bring this up and see what she (and he) says. I'm starting to believe that she wants out but doesn't want to say it and hurt me...but she's hurting me worse by not just saying it.

 

I'm feeling like I'm realizing that now...and feeling kind of better. Maybe I should move out for the time being or something...

 

Thanks again everyone.

[sportsloving]

It sure isn't easy is it?

 

You could be right about her not wanting to hurt your feelings but not saying what she wants or feels, sometimes it is hard to knowingly cause pain without realizing that silence does far worse damage.

 

I wish you luck tonight at your counseling and hopefully things all start looking up for you both. Best wishes

[computerperson]

Well in the end, it just seems as though my wife (or so-to-be ex-wife) wants to be alone and there's really nothing I can do about it. I do care for her, but I want us both to be happy and neither of us thinks we can be together. I'm not much for giving up, but I'm not going to beat a dead horse either. And I have been unhappy with her for a long time, we just never seemed to be able to come to a common ground on anything...even the simplest things.

 

I guess I've had more good days than bad since our final decision, but I'm a little down at the moment...I guess because I started removing her from my credit cards today as we're separating finances now.

 

So now, comes the odd stuff, well important stuff...what to do with the rest of my life. My wife and her girls are going to be moving out within the month, then I'll have this big house all to myself. I don't think I want to stay here because we bought this house to be together, but I don't really want to buy another house or rent an apartment either. I'm going to make some repairs on the house, angling towards sell it, but keeping my options open. I'm guessing I'm going to sell it and just get an apartment closer to my work and family. They're not far from me, but I'd be closer to the area I'll probably be spending most of my time in.

 

On top of that, I don't know what I should do about dating. I would like to meet someone new, someone that has more common interests with me. I've never had luck meeting people, and I've had really BAD luck with meeting people with common interests. I don't know if I should or need to take time to myself, I've felt alone for the last 8 months now...like I've already had time. And I'm very excited about meeting someone that wants to do things I want to do.

 

I guess there's never a good/right decision, I'm going to do what I feel is right. I know this is happening for a reason, but it's tough and going to be tough for a while.

 

Guess I'm just venting again, like I said before, other people have bigger problems...I'm just trying to figure out what to do with life.

 

Good luck to everyone out there having problems.