How to cope with guilt and fear of regret?

[macarena]

I've said some very intimate things in here. I rarely posted but when I didm, its because I genuinely needed help. This time, its one of them

 

Ex-bf. Have been with him for 4 years. Lots of passion, fighting, passion and fighting. Breaking up, making up. Shouts, sleeping all nights hugigng each other, then fighting, then lots of sex. Then, the last year of our relationship, we lived together. I am not saying I am perfect, but he s a very difficult person, and living with him, though it had its magic, it resulted stressing and at the end, depressive . At the last few weeks before I left, the house felt like a mad house, both of us dreading the energy of each other.

 

But when I left, we kept contact. We are not just friends and lovers, but also we were like family to each other. Contact persisted. Many thingshappened. And i grew quite cold when it came to love ( however, I am not cold hearted..I became very much sceptical to love..maybe because I loved him to bits and having to leave, broke my heart entirely)

 

Point is. A year passed. Good coontact remained. At first we even started to have sex. But I told him to stop at around January. Since then, he continued to insist more insistingly that we should be together again. With his own suffering, he started to realise all the things which he took me granted for and the terrible and very stressing pest that he can be. And was finally and GENUINELY sorry for all the **** he made me go through when we lived together. I cried and cried when he used to say all these things. However, I didnt want to go back

 

Last Sunday, he told me not to talk to him anymore, because its hurting him terribly having to see me but not be with me. I cried. I couldnt bear not to talk to him anymore, but I said ok and things were decided that way calmly

 

Last Monday, he came to work, with a bunch of flowers, and proposed marriage. I was abashed. I didnt know what to say. He realised, and he said, this is a no right? I said, it is. His eyes were full of tears. He told me he understands but never to speak to him again.

 

We did eventually speak. Lots of drama but the answer was always a long-struggled, cried out NO. I am feeling very guilty and stressed and I am afraid that later I wil regret it. However, when I am more my feet back on the ground, I say, this is just a romantic phase he's going through, his character wont change.

 

Funnily enough, I do still love him and feel very responsible for him

 

I am feeling slightly depressed about this all. Tell me what to do best. He s a very solitary person and am afraid to leave him alone. But all this love and responsability, is now being the least practical and making less sense than ever

 

Help

[MooBear]

Hmm it's a tough situation! I've had similar experience -My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years total - the first 4 years we would fight and break up then get back together months later and repeat the cycle again. Everyone told us to leave each other alone. So we did for a few months, and then started casualy talking and hanging out and were able to be friends. We worked our issues out and since then it's been good! The key thing was we had that space - ie no sex!!

 

When we would break up, I would pretty much stalk him - call him until he picked up, cry, beg, promise to change - went so far a couple of times to threaten suicide. But he stayed strong and wouldn't give in - I think that's what you need to do here. You aren't responsible for him in any way. He is an adult and he has made choices that he has to live with now. And he will live

 

If you do still love him and think it could work one day, then be his friend and just see if his good behaviour is consistent. People can change - I am proof. I was crazy ex gf now I'm not lol

 

However if your main feeling is guilt and not wanting to hurt him then make sure it is ended and give yourself some space from the situation.

 

This recent behaviour could be just a temporary thing like you said, or it could be that first little breakthrough that will make him start to change.

 

Time will tell - but work out how you feel. Best of luck x

[KathyM]

Don't get back with him. The two of you had a toxic relationship if you were continually fighting. Stay strong and stay in NC. Don't waste years of your life with a guy you can't get along with. If you were married, I would say to work on your relationship with a marriage counselor--but you are not. You have the freedom to separate yourself from a toxic relationship and find a healthier one. Don't let this guy take up any more of your time or your life. He may have some good points about him, he may love you, but your relationship does not work. You don't get along with each other. Time to cut your losses and move on.

[whichwayisup]

You two could try again and put the marriage thing on hold - GO TO COUPLES THERAPY and learn how to communicate, compromise and listen to one another. Get out of the bad and unhealthy dynamic that's been going on for 4 years.