A deadline on our relationship (he doesn't know about it)

[sakura23]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and have lived together for a little over 1 year now. For the past 8 months I haven't been feeling satisfied with our relationship and him as a boyfriend overall. Throughout our relationship, we've mentioned a number of times that we'll be together forever, and have been planning our lives together, and even briefly talking about marriage. But I started to realize that what we have been planning and talking about for our future is not actually what I want right now. I am recognizing that this whole time, I have been trying to change my mind and alter my desires to go along with his so that we can be together and have a flourishing relationship. Obviously things aren't going as I had hoped because for quite some time now he hasn't been making me feel special, he doesn't show me very much affection, we don't have many things to talk about, I find it difficult to talk to him about my true feelings, and I find myself getting really irritated with him. He is not a bad boyfriend in that he doesn't cheat, I trust him, he's very kind, and he's a good person, so I think part of my dissatisfaction is stemming from my own negative thoughts. I do see ourselves together in the future, but not until I accomplish some things of my own.

 

There have been several occasions where I have openly told him that I don't feel satisfied and I don't know where our relationship is headed. I mentioned to him all the reasons above why I don't feel satisfied, yet he remains completely clueless, as he does nothing to fix the situations. He just figured that when I have all those negative thoughts it's because of PMS, and he brushes it off like everything will be ok in a week. That we can go back to normal and keep hoping for our happy future. I admit, most of the times I did bring up those topics with him, it was around the time of my period, but its been going on for at least 8 months now. Nothing changes. I just keep suppressing my feelings hoping they'll go away, and I'll accept him the way he is and just live my life in the now, rather than worrying about the future.

 

But If I am continuously having all these negative thoughts about our relationship, how can it possibly continue successfully? Even though I have decided that I am going to try to get a job in Japan next year, which requires leaving him, I keep finding myself trying to change my mind and stick with my boyfriend. But clearly this is tearing me up because he is not the boyfriend I was hoping he'd be.

 

I feel bad that I keep leading him on, making him believe that I am OK, only to have to break the news that I will most likely be leaving him in the future. He will totally not see this coming and it will crush him, and me too. Since we are in a lease together, I can't technically leave until the middle of next year. I not really looking to break up with him forever, I think I just need to get some things done in my life before I settle down. I am only 24, and he is going to be 29 soon, so clearly we are a different page about a lot of things. Do you think I should wait until it gets closer to break the news? Or should I just tell him as soon as possible that I don't think our relationship is going to work out? Should I keep hoping that it will work out how I wanted it to? I know I can't change him, but do you think that if I tell him now, that it'll make him want to try and be a better boyfriend, so that I don't have to leave him?

 

Thanks for listening.

[Chi townD]

Another example on how women think guys are mindreaders. You can tell me that you've talked to him about your dissatifaction with the relationship. But, I'm guessing you give him the watered down "G" rated version. I don't think you've actually yelled, "LISTEN UP YOU JACKASS! I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS, THAT AND THE OTHER. IF YOU CAN'T MEET ME HALF WAY, THEN WE ARE THROUGH. I'M GOING TO LEAVE!!!" Guys are not good at subtle hints. We need to hear the meat and the potatoes.

 

 

But, now you're planning on leaving him (if he doesn't straighten out and fly right, to which he doesn't have a clue as to what's going on.) You'll wait till the lease is up, then leave him high and dry. You're already making YOUR plans. You've already started to remove yourself from the relationship. So, when the final hour hits, you'll pull the plug. " Renew the lease? Yeah about that....I'm leaving you because you don't satisify me anymore and I got things to do. I've taken a job in Japan and I'm leaving next week. The movers will be here in a few days. So, I don't know if you can afford the place without me. Maybe you can get a roommate in the next few days so you can stay but....well.... your not my problem anymore. I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS!!!"

 

You say you can see yourself with him later, but right now, you got other things to do. Well, if I was your boyfriend, I would make sure you never darken my doorstep ever again.

 

So, why don't you be honest with him, break it off now so he's not holding the bag AND his broken heart at one time.

[CarrieT]

\

So, why don't you be honest with him, break it off now so he's not holding the bag AND his broken heart at one time.

^^ THIS ^^

 

Do the honorable thing; tell him NOW how you feel and that you are planning on moving on.

[Jose11]

As someone who is currently in his situation. Please just tell him now. My GF, (ex?) told me she wasn't happy with herself and apparently hadn't been for a while and I was in shock when she said that. I knew we were having issues before she asked for space, but I honestly thought it was something we would get over in a bit. But apparently she was bottling this up for a while. I really wish she would have told be when she did start. We could have try something different. I could have try something. But now I am here mourning the relationship while she seems ok because she checked out of it a while ago. And that hurts even more. Just tell him now to be fair to him and you.

[Almond_Joy]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and have lived together for a little over 1 year now. For the past 8 months I haven't been feeling satisfied with our relationship and him as a boyfriend overall. Throughout our relationship, we've mentioned a number of times that we'll be together forever, and have been planning our lives together, and even briefly talking about marriage. But I started to realize that what we have been planning and talking about for our future is not actually what I want right now. I am recognizing that this whole time, I have been trying to change my mind and alter my desires to go along with his so that we can be together and have a flourishing relationship. Obviously things aren't going as I had hoped because for quite some time now he hasn't been making me feel special, he doesn't show me very much affection, we don't have many things to talk about, I find it difficult to talk to him about my true feelings, and I find myself getting really irritated with him. He is not a bad boyfriend in that he doesn't cheat, I trust him, he's very kind, and he's a good person, so I think part of my dissatisfaction is stemming from my own negative thoughts. I do see ourselves together in the future, but not until I accomplish some things of my own.

 

There have been several occasions where I have openly told him that I don't feel satisfied and I don't know where our relationship is headed. I mentioned to him all the reasons above why I don't feel satisfied, yet he remains completely clueless, as he does nothing to fix the situations. He just figured that when I have all those negative thoughts it's because of PMS, and he brushes it off like everything will be ok in a week. That we can go back to normal and keep hoping for our happy future. I admit, most of the times I did bring up those topics with him, it was around the time of my period, but its been going on for at least 8 months now. Nothing changes. I just keep suppressing my feelings hoping they'll go away, and I'll accept him the way he is and just live my life in the now, rather than worrying about the future.

 

But If I am continuously having all these negative thoughts about our relationship, how can it possibly continue successfully? Even though I have decided that I am going to try to get a job in Japan next year, which requires leaving him, I keep finding myself trying to change my mind and stick with my boyfriend. But clearly this is tearing me up because he is not the boyfriend I was hoping he'd be.

 

I feel bad that I keep leading him on, making him believe that I am OK, only to have to break the news that I will most likely be leaving him in the future. He will totally not see this coming and it will crush him, and me too. Since we are in a lease together, I can't technically leave until the middle of next year. I not really looking to break up with him forever, I think I just need to get some things done in my life before I settle down. I am only 24, and he is going to be 29 soon, so clearly we are a different page about a lot of things. Do you think I should wait until it gets closer to break the news? Or should I just tell him as soon as possible that I don't think our relationship is going to work out? Should I keep hoping that it will work out how I wanted it to? I know I can't change him, but do you think that if I tell him now, that it'll make him want to try and be a better boyfriend, so that I don't have to leave him?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

I see, in this post, you talking about personal problems. Things that only you can do anything about. And then turning around and blaming your boyfriend for not fixing those problems.

 

IMO, your dissatisfaction with your place in life right now is not his responsibility. Even if he did want to help you, he can't make you do what you want to do. He's happy with you as you are - it is not his problem if you're not happy with what you are or are not doing in your life right now.

 

And what kind of things do you want to do in your life that are impossible to do while in a relationship with this guy? The only thing that you literally can't do is have a monogamous relationship if you want to see other people. That's it. If you want to travel, go to school, start a rock band....you can do any and all of that with a boyfriend. But you have to take the action....not him.

 

 

If you're looking for him to encourage you to do the things you want in life, then tell him you would like him to be more supportive, or collaborate with you on how to realize your goals. If he responds with things like "You'll never accomplish that" or "I don't want a gf that does ABC," then that's a problem.

 

But right now it sounds like you're complaining about all these things you want to do for yourself (not the relationship, but to grow as an individual), not doing anything to solve the problem, and getting mad at him for:

 

A) Pointing out something objective (you complain around your period time - that's not his perception, it an observation of what you do), and

 

B) Not taking your complaints seriously? (Which I don't really see how he can if you're not doing anything - either do something to eliminate your unhappiness or stop complaining about it)

 

I strongly recommend examining what you're doing (not what you're saying, but what you are actually doing) to accomplish what you want in life instead of convincing yourself that your boyfriend is the problem.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Almond_Joy

[sakura23]

I really appreciate hearing what you all have to say, but you're making it seem like leaving him is going to come easy for me, that I've made my decision and I'm ready to just dump him off in the cold. That is not the case at all, why do you think I've been with him so long, trying as hard as I can to accept our relationship the way it is? I haven't just withdrawn completely yet, I do my best to erase negative thoughts about us, and him, and usually I can for a little while, but it can only last for so long, because I wonder why I am sacrificing things I want in my life just for the hope that we'll have a happy relationship. I sometimes feel like I am just kidding myself. Yes, I know I need to alter my thinking and not rely on him to make me happy, and I do for the most part. But, there are times where I just realize all over again the things that make me unhappy (his lack of reassurance and affection), and that just pushes me away from even more.

 

We could stay together if I decided to go to Japan, it'd just have to be a long distance relationship, which would also crush him and who knows if we'd move on over time.

 

He is my first serious boyfriend, and he had his heart broken by his ex. I can't stand the thought of leaving him and having his heart broken again, but I also can't stand the thought of me just sticking around for his sake. It's a lose lose situation--I stay with him, struggle to be happy, and give up on my own goals. Or I leave him and run the risk of never having him back.

[wilsonx]

You have to leave, if you love someone, you have to let them go. You do love him and its better to end it as friends then enemies. The longer you stay with, the more of an enemy he becomes to you with emotional resentment buildup

[Chi townD]

Okay, so you made up your mind. You're going to leave him. The thing is, you're NOT going to leave him UNTIL you have something set up for yourself. First, you're gonna ensure that the job in Japan is a sure thing. Then, once that is in place, then you're going to ensure that all your affairs are in order....i.e. place to stay in Japan, passport is in order. Immunizations are complete including your Japanese Encephalitis vaccine (which is a three shot series over the course of a couple of months)....I lived in Japan for a while myself. You do all of this and THEN you leave him. Tyler Perry said it best. Women are like birds. If they want to leave the nest, they don't just get up and leave. They take a twig from the one that they're in and find another tree across town. Then they return for another twig, then another, and another until they have enought to ditch the nest that they're in. So, you leave without warning to the guy that THINKS your loyal to him and dedicated to him. How are you being fair to him?

 

But, what if the job in Japan doesn't pan out? What if you don't get it? When what? Are you gonna find out that you can live wth the guy, and WANT to work it out then?

[wilsonx]

Shes going to leave him no matter what. That relationship is over. Its GIGS A mile away and even she knows it.

 

Everyone is trying to rationalize her behaviors with logic but gigs works the other way around. People start running on their emotions only and logic is thrown out the window. So in essence, people in this thread are trying to rationalize the irrational

Edited June 1, 2012 by wilsonx

[Chi townD]

Shes going to leave him no matter what. That relationship is over. Its GIGS A mile away and even she knows it

 

 

I agree, but she's going to leave him when, and only when, it's convenient to her.

[wilsonx]

nothing wrong with that. just let it play out, in the end it actually works out in HIS favor the longer she holds off

Edited June 1, 2012 by wilsonx

[Chi townD]

nothing wrong with that. just let it play out

Yeah there is. She's checked out of the relationship; yet, she USING the relationship for selfish gains. I find something deinately wrong with that.

 

I mean, if it's done then it's done. Break the lease and move on. It's time to pull the bandaid off quickly.

 

So, why would he benefit? He thinks everything is status quo.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Chi townD

[wilsonx]

couple things:

 

Its not our fight

Breaking a lease sucks balls and is very expensive.

 

Everyone is trying to rationalize her behaviors with logic but gigs works the other way around. People start running on their emotions only and logic is thrown out the window.

while logically you are correct she is in fight or flight mode (emotions). right now shes fighting to stay in it, as soon as that candle extinguishes boom shes gone. thats why these breakups appear to come out of no where.

 

for her, its not logical, so you cant argue and say what shes doing is logically right or wrong. you have to understand her perception of this and empathize with both people

 

its going to happen, the fat lady hasnt sung quite yet but shes going to soon

[Jose11]

I agree you have made your decision. Your just too scared to tell him and yourself. As a guy who had this happen to him. The earlier he knows the better. Don't let him go on thinking everything is ok and make plans for the future of you both being together. Itll only hurt him more and you.

[Radu]

I really appreciate hearing what you all have to say, but you're making it seem like leaving him is going to come easy for me, that I've made my decision and I'm ready to just dump him off in the cold.

This is about you. This all comment is about you, what you just typed.

'We are making it seem like it will be easy for you, that you've made your decision' yet in your OP you pretty much give yourself an ultimatum.

 

 

That is not the case at all, why do you think I've been with him so long, trying as hard as I can to accept our relationship the way it is?

What you wrote implies that you have been giving your best this entire relationship, yet you yourself say that these problems are only for the past 8months.

This shows that you have started rewriting relationship history to facilitate your removal from this relationship, which is exactly what you go on to state.

 

I haven't just withdrawn completely yet, I do my best to erase negative thoughts about us, and him, and usually I can for a little while, but it can only last for so long, because I wonder why I am sacrificing things I want in my life just for the hope that we'll have a happy relationship. I sometimes feel like I am just kidding myself. Yes, I know I need to alter my thinking and not rely on him to make me happy, and I do for the most part. But, there are times where I just realize all over again the things that make me unhappy (his lack of reassurance and affection), and that just pushes me away from even more.

Mature ppl do not push away even further when they are in this situation.

Instead, they get closer, because that's what relationships are about.

You cannot go through life with both of you very happy, one will be up and one will be down.

Good communication is necesary at those points so that the partner who is up can make the partner who is down feel better.

Chi townD was spot on with it.

 

We could stay together if I decided to go to Japan, it'd just have to be a long distance relationship, which would also crush him and who knows if we'd move on over time.

This is your way to rationalize the guilt away, to make yourself feel better about it and your mind's way to say 'it's ok, see ... it could go down that way so you don't need to feel bad'.

LDR relationships don't work.

To add to that, when they do work, it's because the ppl in them desperately want to be with eachother, they want and need to feel the other person's touch and presence.

You can't feel his presence in your own bed, what makes you think that you will feel it half-way round the world ?

 

He is my first serious boyfriend, and he had his heart broken by his ex. I can't stand the thought of leaving him and having his heart broken again, but I also can't stand the thought of me just sticking around for his sake. It's a lose lose situation--I stay with him, struggle to be happy, and give up on my own goals. Or I leave him and run the risk of never having him back.

That was pretty well written, untill you left the final comment, which truly shows what you are thinking ... 'and run the risk of never having him back'.

You want security, if you go into Japan, you want him to stay in his place waiting and pining for you as an option, on the backburner.

If you do go there and you find out he has someone new, you will be on him like a fly on honey.

You just want to be in control.

In fact this job offer is just another way to hold onto a branch while you leave the 'nest'. In the process you will be ready and not suffer while you leave him an emotional wreck.

 

---

I'll be blunt, it's not him, or if it's him to some extent it's because he wasn't fed the right information, by you.

It's you, you want out to sow your wild oats.

You found this job offer half-way around the world, far away from him, to run away from it all, and you are trying to make this fantasy a reality.

That doesn't mean the job ain't real, it is quite real but it is also very convenient because it offers you a way to escape this.

You are in effect in an Emotional Affair with the life you will have in Japan.

 

You are in the process of rationalizing your relationship away and you don't even realize that you have already started hurting him.

You will go there, he will end up in the situation you described and you will tell him that you wish to remain friends, that you see a future with both of you on the horizon, but not one right now.

In Japan you will have a few affairs [famous for it's nightlife], and then you will return to him after 'soul-searching'.

If he accepts you back, you will get married and then you will leave him or cheat.

If he doesn't accept you back you will villify him to everyone and blame him for not meeting your 'emotional needs', but you will do this anyway right after you leave because ... how can it be you ?

 

You will follow this path, and maybe in 20 yrs time, you will start to notice the pattern.

 

PS: Want to do the right thing by your bf and your future ?

Show him this thread and go into therapy.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Radu

[Radu]

Okay, so you made up your mind. You're going to leave him. The thing is, you're NOT going to leave him UNTIL you have something set up for yourself. First, you're gonna ensure that the job in Japan is a sure thing. Then, once that is in place, then you're going to ensure that all your affairs are in order....i.e. place to stay in Japan, passport is in order. Immunizations are complete including your Japanese Encephalitis vaccine (which is a three shot series over the course of a couple of months)....I lived in Japan for a while myself. You do all of this and THEN you leave him. Tyler Perry said it best. Women are like birds. If they want to leave the nest, they don't just get up and leave. They take a twig from the one that they're in and find another tree across town. Then they return for another twig, then another, and another until they have enought to ditch the nest that they're in. So, you leave without warning to the guy that THINKS your loyal to him and dedicated to him. How are you being fair to him?

 

But, what if the job in Japan doesn't pan out? What if you don't get it? When what? Are you gonna find out that you can live wth the guy, and WANT to work it out then?

 

You know, his movies may be chick flicks and pandering to women, but damn if he wasn't right.

[sakura23]

I haven't checked out of the relationship. Wilsonx was correct when he said that i am still fighting for our relationship. I don't want our relationship to end which is why its so hard for me to tell my BF what I am thinking about my plans for the future. I constantly try to change my outlook on life and convince myself that I should stay with him because I care about him, don't want to hurt him, and I do feel like I am being selfish if I randomly decided to break up when he thought everything was fine. I know that's not fair to him. As much as I try and try, I still get depressed over the fact that I cannot fulfill my own personal goal as long as I am living with my BF. I am not using my boyfriend for selfish gains, this is my life right now, its impossible to just up and leave to Japan because it will take months at least for paperwork, visas, vaccinations, etc.

 

Radu, I am doing my best to understand your comments....

 

What you wrote implies that you have been giving your best this entire relationship, yet you yourself say that these problems are only for the past 8months.

This shows that you have started rewriting relationship history to facilitate your removal from this relationship, which is exactly what you go on to state.

 

8 months ago is when i started realizing that I need to accomplish some of my own goals before settling down with my BF for good. When I realized that if I wanted to do that, I would have to leave him which is something that I really don't want. Within those 8 months I did my best to forget about what I want for the benefit of maintaining a good relationship. Unfortunately, my wants still overcome me at times which is when I get very confused at upset about what I should do and where I think our relationship is actually going.

 

 

Mature ppl do not push away even further when they are in this situation.

Instead, they get closer, because that's what relationships are about.

You cannot go through life with both of you very happy, one will be up and one will be down.

Good communication is necesary at those points so that the partner who is up can make the partner who is down feel better.

Chi townD was spot on with it.

 

How can his lack of reassurance and affection possibly bring our relationship closer? I do think we need to work on our communication, but as I mentioned before, times when I bring up an issue or something I am unhappy with, he blames it on PMS and doesn't do anything to try and make me feel better. Therefore, it pushes me away.

 

This is your way to rationalize the guilt away, to make yourself feel better about it and your mind's way to say 'it's ok, see ... it could go down that way so you don't need to feel bad'.

LDR relationships don't work.

To add to that, when they do work, it's because the ppl in them desperately want to be with eachother, they want and need to feel the other person's touch and presence.

You can't feel his presence in your own bed, what makes you think that you will feel it half-way round the world ?

 

We were actually in a LDR for the first year of our relationship, we were both doing our own things, had things in our lives we needed to take care of, things were going fine, but yes, we did long for each other. Which is why once that stage of our lives was through we were able to move back to our home town, live together, and still finish up things that were necessary (graduating college, getting a job, saving up money, paying back loans, etc.) Now I am feeling like I need to begin a new step in my life. For I while, I was hoping that was marriage, but considering my feelings now...I'm not so sure that'd happen. We had talked about going to Hawaii as a sort of compromise for me going to Japan. As that is getting closer, I find myself wanting to go to Japan over Hawaii. Which is the basis of my problem.

 

That was pretty well written, untill you left the final comment, which truly shows what you are thinking ... 'and run the risk of never having him back'.

You want security, if you go into Japan, you want him to stay in his place waiting and pining for you as an option, on the backburner.

If you do go there and you find out he has someone new, you will be on him like a fly on honey.

You just want to be in control.

In fact this job offer is just another way to hold onto a branch while you leave the 'nest'. In the process you will be ready and not suffer while you leave him an emotional wreck.

 

Yes, I would still like to have him back, but I know that LDRs can cause people to lose interest and go another way. If it comes down to that, I guess I'd have to accept it because it was my choice to go to Japan. Just like I had accepted the fact that I had lost him when he got engaged to his ex (We had been friends for years long before he met his ex, and I had always had a thing for him, but never turned it into anything more). What if we were married? Married couples get split up all the time because someone takes a job in another country. Not that it is ideal, but it is doable.

 

 

I'll be blunt, it's not him, or if it's him to some extent it's because he wasn't fed the right information, by you.

It's you, you want out to sow your wild oats.

You found this job offer half-way around the world, far away from him, to run away from it all, and you are trying to make this fantasy a reality.

That doesn't mean the job ain't real, it is quite real but it is also very convenient because it offers you a way to escape this.

You are in effect in an Emotional Affair with the life you will have in Japan.

 

You are in the process of rationalizing your relationship away and you don't even realize that you have already started hurting him.

You will go there, he will end up in the situation you described and you will tell him that you wish to remain friends, that you see a future with both of you on the horizon, but not one right now.

In Japan you will have a few affairs [famous for it's nightlife], and then you will return to him after 'soul-searching'.

If he accepts you back, you will get married and then you will leave him or cheat.

If he doesn't accept you back you will villify him to everyone and blame him for not meeting your 'emotional needs', but you will do this anyway right after you leave because ... how can it be you ?

 

You will follow this path, and maybe in 20 yrs time, you will start to notice the pattern.

 

PS: Want to do the right thing by your bf and your future ?

Show him this thread and go into therapy.

 

You are actually correct in most of that. Right now it does feel like a fantasy that making a reality would require a lot of heartbreak for both of us, and who wants that? Yes, it would be an escape because then I can stop worrying about what I should do, do it, and go from there. He knows that I want to go to Japan and that does hurt him, but he doesn't know how hard I am struggling with the decision. If I did go, I wouldn't be immediately interesting in finding a new boyfriend because I'd like to remain with my current BF. And I hope he'd feel the same way. If I returned, and he accepted me back, and we both feel the same way we do now, why do you think I would leave or cheat? Because I would find another endeavor that I'd want to embark on? I guess that could happen, but only time would tell. Right now, I don't plan on it. If he didn't accept me back I would in no way blame him. I don't feel it's right to leave him, I do feel selfish about it, I know its a risk, a risk I am very scared to take. I would have no choice but to accept what I have done because I know full well what I have to lose, but I can still hope for the best. I wouldn't blame him for not satisfying me in our relationship--that can't be helped apparently.

 

Oh, and Gibson...

 

A part of me thinks about that too. My boyfriend has had 2 other girlfriends, one so serious that he got engaged. He is my first serious boyfriend, and actually...he was the first guy I ever really truly liked in high school. I dated around a little, but never had anything serious, and actually, I was always thinking about my current BF during those times. We didn't start officially going out until I was half way through college. But I do sometimes wonder if we are on different pages of our lives. Is it crazy for me to think that the first guy I ever liked, slept with, loved is THE ONE?

Edited June 1, 2012 by sakura23

[gmoore]

I would just like to say that this is an infinitely interesting thread. It is quite amazing to read about the psychology of the other side of the coin. I feel as though my ex is or did go through something similar before our eventual break-up. She's 28 & thinking about grad school, I always planned on going with her but we'd have tiny arguments about moving here or there & I think this would put her off until eventually she felt like our life goals weren't in tune but I thought they were. we had planned to move together since the day we got together & I thought it was just a matter of time until we did (we were together for 3 years). I love her like no other woman I have ever loved and saw my future in her eyes. I hope we can reconcile and build a stronger more beautiful bond down the road once we've healed & have some perspective. Sometimes it is VERY hard to have perspective on these types of things when were with someone.

 

The one thing is I wish she would have tried to talk to me more seriously about what was going on in her head before it was too late for her to want to try to work on it together.

 

I wish you luck.

[Derevko]

And what kind of things do you want to do in your life that are impossible to do while in a relationship with this guy? The only thing that you literally can't do is have a monogamous relationship if you want to see other people. That's it. If you want to travel, go to school, start a rock band....you can do any and all of that with a boyfriend. But you have to take the action....not him.

 

I strongly recommend examining what you're doing (not what you're saying, but what you are actually doing) to accomplish what you want in life instead of convincing yourself that your boyfriend is the problem.

 

This situation eerily mirrors what happened between my ex and I. And I too, questioned what in the world she possibly needed to do that required her to exit the relationship.

 

The answer is I was her ONLY serious relationship, the ONLY guy she slept with, the ONLY person she ever loved, etc. And no matter how good I was, because I was the first she would always wonder what else what out there. And you Sakura, will always wonder.

 

There is no more potent form of GIGS than what you have. And I doubt you can really fight it, or that you even should.

[Jose11]

I agree with everyone in saying this is a GIGS. My ex never really got a chance to do all the things young 20somethings do because she gave it up to be with me. Granted she an I know I would have never stopped her from doing anything she wanted, but she just kept it to herself and force her feelings to change to stay with me. You can only do it for so long until they come out. It took a while but i realized she did miss out on a lot. Talking to other women who got to Travel and go on adventures, she did none of these because of me. To say your being selfish now in the relationship is true, but only becuase you have for a long time always thought of your needs as a couple and not as yourself. Don't lead him on thinking everything is ok, when you know what you want, which you seem like you do, tell him don't put it off any longer.

[ladyabstrused]

Sakura, just be honest with him. What you wrote out in your OP, tell him those things. Honestly, you don't want to live in a relationship based on being someone you're not, which you are doing because you are afraid to tell him some of the things you've said here because you're afraid of losing him?

 

See, if he is really the guy for you, he would understand and he would want to discuss things out with you. Things like these that makes you unhappy and he would want to also work things out with you to make sure that you both are happy together.

 

But if you being honest with him, only turns him away, then girl, he is not right for you. I was blinded in a similar position for so long and after I broke out of that blindness, did I see all other beautiful things in life that I've missed out on just because I was afraid of losing the guy.

 

For relationships to be successful, they should have honesty first and foremost. It's very important. If the guy can't deal with your honest feelings and opinions, then you gotta try and start working on detachment because it's not healthy to continue it this way.

 

If you can come out and identify the things that make you unhappy, you can come out and try to detach and move on if he doesn't like your honest feelings here.

 

So go ahead, tell him the truth, be honest, talk to him and see how it goes. Do update us on what you choose to do and the outcomes of it. It's rather interesting for me as well.. I'm still learning here myself.

[sakura23]

Lady, you are very right. If I have been feeling this way for this long, it needs to come out. I must work up the courage to tell him, and I know it is not going to be pretty. Hopefully I can be brave enough to just do it....

[Frank13]

Shes going to leave him no matter what. That relationship is over. Its GIGS A mile away and even she knows it.

 

Thanks Wilsonx for calling this what it is. I saw it as GIGS and couldn't figure out why no one said it.

[Radu]

Lady, i hope that once you get your bearings straight you return to read this thread.

 

All of this is inside of you, there is a fight between logic and confusion.

The forces of logic made this thread, asking why are you doing this, etc ...; in a way they are your love for this guy, him living inside of your head.

The forces of confusion are the ones that made you not give the ultimatum, found the job, found the countless excuses, etc ...

You could of had him involved in all of this, to join the fight by telling him what you wrote inside this thread.

 

But because of your problems of communication, and somewhat immaturity you chose not to; your selfishness is evident in wanting to remove from him the option of moving forward, you want him as the backup plan.

I really hope you get these problems fixed and learn from this, it would be a shame.

[ladyabstrused]

Lady, i hope that once you get your bearings straight you return to read this thread.

 

All of this is inside of you, there is a fight between logic and confusion.

The forces of logic made this thread, asking why are you doing this, etc ...; in a way they are your love for this guy, him living inside of your head.

The forces of confusion are the ones that made you not give the ultimatum, found the job, found the countless excuses, etc ...

You could of had him involved in all of this, to join the fight by telling him what you wrote inside this thread.

 

But because of your problems of communication, and somewhat immaturity you chose not to; your selfishness is evident in wanting to remove from him the option of moving forward, you want him as the backup plan.

I really hope you get these problems fixed and learn from this, it would be a shame.

 

Are you referring to me, or the OP sakura?