Cheated on by gf, took her back, dumped a week later.

[supersixfive]

Quite the novel here.....

 

Just went through a year and a half long relationship with a wonderful woman in which the future between the two of us was discussed often. I am at a total loss of words in terms of the ending and cannot help but to feel horrible about the ending and the ensuing emotions. We are both are college educated and very christian. Not at all claiming to be a perfect individual by any means, but just feel so incredibly wronged and mistreated. We are both 23 and thus far have led pretty normal lives, although she does have an extensive past of alcohol abuse and overall promiscuity in her younger days, which over the past few years has moved away from. The relationship was going extremely well in terms of growth and love between the two of us. Like any relationship there were issues and disagreements between us, but never anything out of the ordinary of gigantic red flags.

 

Everything changed when she decided to go on a trip to Vegas. As cliche as this sounds, it ends like many other stories. I was unable to attend due to school and gave her my blessings to go, only telling her I trusted her. On the first night she got absolutely hammered and called me incoherently drunk at 3am. The call ended with her hanging up and being mad because I wasn't loving enough. After a talk about what happened the night before and trying to make better choices she proceeded to go out clubbing and drinking the second night. The next day I got a phone call from her in the morning telling me that she had cheated on me with a random man. She said she got incredibly hammered and wound up hooking up with some random man. She does not even remember how long she sat there with him. She did tell me immediately after and sounded incredibly remorseful and just wanted a second chance so badly. After several days and pondering the future of the relationship and praying, she would tell me things like, "I cant do this without you" "youre my everything" "I love you so much, i believe in us and just give me another chance" "you deserve so much better and I can be that in your life" and "I want to spend my life with you".

 

After much consideration I decided to take her back because she seemed remorseful and promised to cut back on the drinking and change her ways. I flew her out to see me at school for a few days and treated her just as well as I would have if this had not happened and starting to rebuild the trust in the relationship. It was an awkward trip due to the previous stuff but went as well as it could and ended on a good note. Within a day of her getting home she wanted to go out with friends to a club and told me she would be the driver. I obliged even though I was weary she wanted to go back to a similar situation in which she had previously cheated on me. After talking the next day she referenced a cab driver and I discovered she had gone out drinking and clubbing again. After yet another conversation about the direction of her actions she apologized and said she would change. That night she yet again went out partying and decided that she wanted more in her life and dumped me. She said she loves everything about me but feels there is something else out there, even though she says she does not know exactly what this ambiguous feeling is. When I came home for the summer I continually hear rumors about the breakup that revolve around me being the bad guy. As hard as it is I have held back telling anyone and everyone that she cheated on me and left me because I don't believe gossiping and ruining her reputation would help anything.

 

Honestly, I feel completely crapped on. The woman just has gone about the breakup in such a nonchalant manner like it was nothing. She said "breakups are selfish and I just need to worry about me". It takes every ounce of me not to call her out for her actions in a derogatory way, instead I let her know that her actions have detrimentally affected me and hurt me immensely. She just says sorry like thats going to fix all the pain and anguish.

 

Its been about a month and I'm still fuming. I've tried running, working, volunteering, talking with friends, family and church members and I still come home just as angry and heartbroken. I really cant imagine having given her anymore time, emotion, trust or love. I did my absolute best to be forgiving and accepting of mistakes, as long as they are backed by actions. Im at a loss for words over this seemingly different person.

 

I believe I should be mad, sad and angry. But I dont believe I should continue to feel this way, however its so hard not to when the person committing the painful acts strolls off into the sunset unharmed.

 

Overall I guess I just want to know, why would someone cheat? beg to be taken back, go right back to the risky activity, and then dump the person they just begged for back? Total loss of words. And this woman wants to be friends, which I've outright declined.

[Radu]

The cheating - you should never have taken her back with that little punishment.

Laws are there for a reason, couples have laws too, we call them boundaries.

If laws are violated in RL, we send those ppl to jail, she did not go to jail, you pampered her up and invited 2nd cheating [most likely].

I don't care what your religion is, it does not say in your Holy Book 'let thy woman walk all over you because she has a vagina'.

On a sidenote, it takes 2yrs to forgive cheating in a couple and you never forget it. For some ppl it took as much as 5yrs.

 

Why the partying and drinking - she did these things because alcohol removes inhibitions.

She was too much of a coward to tell you that she is unhappy and she wants to spend this part of her life partying, so she 'sabotaged' herself into this.

She wanted you to either make her respect you by 'punishing' her bad behaviour or to break up with her.

She was a coward.

See Grass Is Greener Syndrome for more info.

 

Why the lying to friends - because she sees it as your responsability to protect her 'honour' by taking the blame for your relationship.

This is pure entitlement and selfishness, and also feeds into the protection instinct of her ego i mentioned above.

She continues to do this because she doesn't respect you.

She continues to want to 'be your friend' because deep down she knows she is a POS so she needs 1] to still be able to look at herself in the mirror [pure survival instict of her ego] and 2] she wants to string you along, removing your options but keeping you handy ... feeds into selfishness mentioned above.

 

 

If you start moving on, this girl will in fact show up at your door professing how sorry she is and asking you to take her back.

Just date a new girl and show it up on FaceBook, you will see it pretty fast.

The fact that you have kept quiet about her cheating also makes her respect you even less.

 

Forget this girl, she is an immature brat.

You need to learn boundaries in relationships, because this girl violated a ton of them and got off free; your lack of them is what is worrying. Look into who your male/female rolemodels in life were and what their relationship was like.

Just hang around these boards for a time and you will understand them pretty fast, that's what i did.

And keep in mind for the future, don't be an as.shole, but she will not love you if she can't respect you.

 

PS: I forgot to add, if you move on, she seens this, she comes back, you take her back ... she will dump you again pretty fast, with probably the same pattern of partying and cheating.

Edited May 31, 2012 by Radu

[Chi townD]

Dude, you owe her nothing. If people would have asked me, I would have been honest. She cheated on me and then dumped me. You wouldn't have destroyed her reputation, she had already done that.

 

The reason she made you out to be the bad guy in all of this is because she wasn't going to be honest and tell people that she cheated. What would people think of her?!?! So, it's easier to trash you. And why not! You're not together anymore. So, what's the harm!

 

Go NC on her, but if people ask you in the future, be honest. You don't need to protect her and it might feel better to talk about it to others.

[nofool4u]

This is why I won't date someone who likes to party. The majority of them can't be trusted.

[gaius]

Overall I guess I just want to know, why would someone cheat? beg to be taken back, go right back to the risky activity, and then dump the person they just begged for back? Total loss of words. And this woman wants to be friends, which I've outright declined.

She was hoping you would dump her when she told you about cheating. That was the whole point of telling you. For whatever reason she wanted the relationship to end and wanted it to be your decision. Maybe she felt guilty about ending it herself since you were such a nice person. Tried to give you the pride of being the one to throw her out but you didn't listen to what she was really saying.

 

Good on you for not wanting to be friends. In the future throw right out the door anyone that disrespects you like that, and don't let them back in unless they move mountains to earn your trust again. Forgiveness doesn't work unless it's coupled with some serious penance.

[CopingGal]

Quite the novel here.....

 

Just went through a year and a half long relationship with a wonderful woman.

 

This woman is not wonderful, she is immature and selfish for what she put you through. Her head is not on straight and you need to stay away from her. She has a lot of problems and she is extremely self-centered.

 

I took my bf back after his fake promises and he treated me 100 times worse. He turned about to be a compulsive liar, a slut, a cheater, a user, and just plain evil. People show you what they want you to see, then screw you over behind your back, then give you fake apologies and then screw you over again. I got away from my ex and I stay away from him. Stay away from her. She doesn't sound like a person of good quality.