Just need some support - things I should know

[Daisy926]

Having issues at home - won't get into it here (I have posted other threads)

 

I guess I just need confirmation that the habits my husband has are reasons to look to leave.

 

1 - hasn't worked in almost 4 years. Says he looks but not really

2 - Plays PS3 most the day and night

3 - Smokes a lot of weed

4 - sleep habits are crazy

5 - We don't really talk and he is rude

 

I know how I stayed this long makes no sense. I really feel I am going to expload.

 

I started therapy this week so we shall see.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[BetrayedH]

Having issues at home - won't get into it here (I have posted other threads)

 

I guess I just need confirmation that the habits my husband has are reasons to look to leave.

 

1 - hasn't worked in almost 4 years. Says he looks but not really

2 - Plays PS3 most the day and night

3 - Smokes a lot of weed

4 - sleep habits are crazy

5 - We don't really talk and he is rude

 

I know how I stayed this long makes no sense. I really feel I am going to expload.

 

I started therapy this week so we shall see.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

In my view...

 

Hell no they aren't reasons to leave. What the heck is the matter with you? I assume you took vows to be with him til death do you part. Is your marriage simply disposable to you? These are reasons you go to marriage counseling. This is half the problem with the world. Welcome to having normal marital problems. Fix them. When the dishes get dirty, do you just throw them away or do you clean them?

[TigerCub]

Hey Daisy,

 

BetrayedH has a point.

 

You married your man, I'm assuming when you did you thought that you would be together through thick and thin.

 

Your H is not being a very good partner, but its not like he's abusing you or cheating on you (those are reasons to walk for sure).

 

while what you described is frustrating and very stressful on a marriage, I'm sure, do you really want to throw in the towel so quickly?

 

This is the rough part and your true test of the M is how you 2 resolve these issues.

 

I agree with BetrayedH in that, these are issues that certainly call for marriage counseling.

Edited June 1, 2012 by TigerCub

[Daisy926]

I agree and know what you are saying. I just started therapy. If he refuses to go then what do I do just stay unhappy.

 

There has to be a point when enough is enough though.

 

These are not the only reasons of course not. There is much more from my other posts, I was just really stressed last night

 

I shouldnt have to have all the financial burdon on me while he just hangs out and gives no support in any way shape or form

 

He is rude, talks nasty and there is no communication what so ever

 

hard to explain - most people think I am nuts for staying

 

If it was a slump that would be one thing... this is how he is.

[BetrayedH]

I certainly think you have to put your foot down. If you fail to directly address challenges that you have (not saying you haven't), then it builds unresolved resentment. This resentment can eventually lead to affairs. I have learned to never just "suck it up" anymore. When I feel so much as uncomfortable, it gets discussed and while we may table an issue until later, it does get resolved.

 

You have a right to require MC. Your H took vows as well.

 

Not knowing your full situation, my gut says you need to get brutally honest with your H. While I would be very careful not to threaten, he needs to hear that you are so unhappy that you have seriously started to contemplate divorce; that it scared you. Tell him that you love him and you are committed to your marriage but that this is becoming a very serious issue for you. MC is a safe place to talk about these things.

 

I might also recommend changing your approach with him. Not saying you have done poorly, just that what you are doing is not working. I would challenge you to change your mindset from any type of angry/accusatory tone to one of legitimately trying to salvage the marriage. Commit yourself to no yelling and no sweaing. You can absolutely be direct and express boundaries but try to take out the negative emotions.

 

Otherwise, for now you might consider removing the "what if" scenarios from your thought processes. This keeps you mired in assuming the worst. Instead, put your best foot forward, hope for a positive reaction, then adapt and put your best foot forward again. Personally, I am less goal oriented and instead look for continuous improvement. Don't set yourself up for failure. Perhaps give yourself a timeline. If there is NO improvement after 6 months of serious effort on your part (a relatively short period of time considering your lifetime commitment), then decide you will reevaluate at that time. Marriage is a LONG time. Challenge yourself on how to be the agent of positive change and then give it time to produce results. My $.02 anyway. I get your frustration, I really do. Sounds like he is acting like a *ick. I'm just saying that your commitment is to make this work for life. Start looking at it that way and you may look at the present as just a very short term bump in the road. You may eventually get a lot of credit for having tackled this the right way (even if you're the only one giving you the credit). Later you will be proud of how you chose to honor your vows.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 1, 2012 by BetrayedH

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Here are some simple suggestions that you can do all by yourself to help improve your marriage:

 

1. Stop giving him money for pot. Unless he is doing the grocery shopping, it sounds like he needs no money at all, so cut that off.

 

2. Sell the PS3 to recoup some of the money from his pot habit. Tell him he can get another one when he can buy it from his earned income.

 

3. Engage him in conversation. When he is rude, tell him he is being rude. Then go back to having a normal conversation.

 

It sounds really hardline and 'controlling' to cut off funds and get rid of things, but your husband is addicted to drugs and gaming. So don't supply him with drugs and games. It's not that hard to figure out. I wouldn't even warn him, I would just say, "I got rid of the PS3 because it is your mistress in our marriage and I won't compete with a video game when I can annihilate it instead. I used the money to put back some of what you've spent on drugs, and have opened a new account where you don't have access at our bank. Let me know if you need gas money to go find a job, and I'll get you a pre-paid Visa to use."

 

Your husband is acting like a child because you allow it. If you haven't been able to love him out of it, tough love him out of it.

 

SKIP counseling.

[whichwayisup]

Having issues at home - won't get into it here (I have posted other threads)

 

I guess I just need confirmation that the habits my husband has are reasons to look to leave.

 

Why leave? Why not talk to him and ask him to get help? Maybe he is depressed and unforunately the way he is IS how he is handling the depression? Big difference between lazy, not caring vs depression and not being able to function properly. The drugs and the sleeping habits, combo that with being moody..Something isn't right but walking away isn't good way to handle this unless you hate him and want out without giving him a chance to change and get counselling.

[whichwayisup]

I agree and know what you are saying. I just started therapy. If he refuses to go then what do I do just stay unhappy.

 

There has to be a point when enough is enough though.

 

These are not the only reasons of course not. There is much more from my other posts, I was just really stressed last night

 

I shouldnt have to have all the financial burdon on me while he just hangs out and gives no support in any way shape or form

 

He is rude, talks nasty and there is no communication what so ever

 

hard to explain - most people think I am nuts for staying

 

If it was a slump that would be one thing... this is how he is.

 

Mental issues and pot do NOT mix.

 

Continue on with your counselling as that's your place to deal with this and hopefully your T can give you pointers on how to handle things with him at home. HE has to do counselling, epecially if it's depression. If it's a drug issue then you have some tough choices to make.

[pteromom]

1 - hasn't worked in almost 4 years. Says he looks but not really

 

This is a BIG DEAL that he isn't contributing. It would be better if he at least was doing housework and cooking and such while he was unemployed, but it doesn't sound like the case here.

 

2 - Plays PS3 most the day and night

 

Again, a BIG DEAL. Not because it is gaming. Just because again, it's a way to NOT CONTRIBUTE.

3 - Smokes a lot of weed

 

Again, a BIG DEAL. You deserve a sober, rational-thinking partner who can help you solve the issues in your marriage, not a high dude who is not plugged in.

 

4 - sleep habits are crazy

 

Maybe or maybe not a big deal, depending on how it affects your life.

 

5 - We don't really talk and he is rude

 

Again, a BIG DEAL. There's no reason not to treat each other with respect.

 

Before you leave, I would have an honest talk about your expectations in the relationship.

 

- you expect him to look seriously for a job. At least one application/resume sent in every day (or whatever is reasonable for his career and your area)

 

- while he isn't working, you expect him to do XXXXXXX around the house (have a list).

 

- No pot smoking on weekdays. He needs to be sober to look for a job on weekdays, and sober to accept calls from potential employers. And let's hope whoever calls him in for an interview doesn't do a drug screening! He really needs to stop it altogether, but that's your call.

 

Either he needs to put effort into maintaining your life, or you are well within your rights to leave. Why should you accept a life where you contribute everything and just drag along a partner who contributes NOTHING? Not just financially, but in every sense of the word. He doesn't bring in money. He doesn't support you emotionally. He doesn't help with the house. He's just dead weight.

[Daisy926]

Thank Petromom. Thanks everyone, I understand what you are all saying.

 

Trust me I do care. I am just trying to make the point that this is how he always was - not a new change. He was a street guy and I think I am growing and not him

 

Sure I will give him the benefit. I have tried to talk to no avail...If I think he can change and grow up of course I will try... I just really doubt it.

 

That is why i want to go to therapy and hope to bring him in.

 

Yes it is a big decision and I don't intend to take it lightly. I guess the better way I should have asked was I am starting to resent him and wanted to hear that what I am asking for is not that big of a deal

 

when my stress level is so high it feels i am having a mid life crisis at 33 just trying to pay the mortgage and he is yelling with kids on the PS3 and WILL NOT talk or take it serious it just sucks so bad

 

Im mad at myself for not realizing these things earlier and worried more about what he would do if we broke up and that is what concerns me most

 

I do intend to try and take my vows serious but how much more can I take before I expload. Yes I owe it to our marriage but doesnt he?

[whichwayisup]

You say he was a street person. So has he always been this way? Not worked, being lazy, being rude, and doing drugs? If he was like this before chances are low he is not going to change. You say you've grown but he hasn't..

 

Let's put it this way if he doesn't want to make more effort to BE a husband, be pro active in helping out around the house, or even get a job and not want to grow up then maybe ending things is for the best. It takes two to make a marriage work and if he refuses, then there's no point in trying to salvage things.

when my stress level is so high it feels i am having a mid life crisis at 33 just trying to pay the mortgage and he is yelling with kids on the PS3 and WILL NOT talk or take it serious it just sucks so bad

 

Kids on the PS3, or your own kids? sorry not sure if you said you two have children.. Though he seems like one!!

[Daisy926]

LOL no we have no kids.. I just mean he plays PS3 online all the time.

 

right now as I type we are in the same room and all I hear is gunshots from this stupid game and him getting so worked up

 

I have not mentioned this but his sister lives with us right now. it was temporary for her to move to our state but has been over a year now... Problems were there before but obviously this adds stress. Just pointing out why i am not trying to have this talk now

 

he got in trouble about 18 years ago and uses his past as a reason he cannot find a job but he doesn't look. I hate to say this and I understand everyone mentioning he has issues, needs couselling etc. but the truth of the matter is I am looking at him as a bum doing what he did when we were 16-20 years old.

 

I can never expect him to plan a vacation or do "adult things" heck he doesnt own a suit.

 

He gets on me for gaining weight and if we are in the car he blasts rap. I have no problem with rap or anything but what are we 18? God forbid we listen to anything I want to listen to and he has no interest in anything I am interested in.

 

Again just went to the first therapy session... I know I have a long way just so stressed lately.

 

When people flat out tell you he is what brings you down it is hard to ignore. I can't help but wonder what my life would be without him. I have a great job I love but can't enjoy as I have to pay all the bills. I have loving and supporting family and friends and if they even knew the half of this they would tell me I need my head examined.

[BetrayedH]

You're at the point where you need to have the divorce conversation, meaning that you have to see changes/improvement or you will not be able to continue to live like this and either you will leave or he will. As another poster said, make a list (marriage counseling, specific job seeking expectations, pot use, chores). You can be both loving and firm in this conversation. Find a time where you have built up patience for the conversation (no yelling, no swearing, don't even be angry but show a confident and calm resolve about what your limits and expectations are). Tell him you feel it is getting hopeless. Make it clear that the ball is in his court; he does his part and makes significant effort to change or your next choice is to talk to a divorce attorney. Even though he is obviously slacking, he is used to being the alpha male in this relationship. He has to know that that is over. You don't have to be the new alpha either but you can set limits and you do deserve to have some expectations of a contributing partner. Otherwise, be prepared to follow thru on your ultimatum(s) or don't put them out there. I wish you luck.

[Spark1111]

Daisy, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say your H sounds either incredibly immature or deeply depressed.

 

His actions are one diversion after another from his reality. The bad news is you cannot fix him. He has to want to fix and change himself or you could be living like this for years!

 

The next diversion could be an affair with some woman who has no clue how unhappy he is within himself.

 

Lay it on the line to him. Don't sugarcoat your unhappiness about the relationship. Insist on IC and MC. Be prepared to follow through (divorce) if things do not change over time.

 

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they change, IF they even realize they are at rockbottom.

 

Did you know weed is the drug of choice for untreated ADHD in adults? Did you know untreated ADHD can lead to bi-polar in adulthood?

 

And the biggest question: IF this is true, would you care enough to stick it out IF he embarks on a very long and arduous journey towards change?

 

Good luck to you and whatever you decide. Remember, it's your life and your choice.

[maybealone]

Your H took vows as well.

 

This, in my opinion, is the most important thing stated so far in this thread. This isn't all on you -- he isn't being an equal partner, and he isn't loving and cherishing you the way that he promised in his vows.

 

If I were you (and I have faced similar issues), I would start taking on the attitude that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. As already suggested, be brutally honest with him. What is the worst thing that could happen? You end up divorced. Since you are already contemplating that now, you have nothing to lose. But you could gain your marriage back.

 

Try as hard as you can (within reason) if for no other reason as to minimize your regrets. Give yourself a time frame so you don't go on like this indefinitely, but a marriage is worth at least a few months of actively working at it.

 

IMO, there will be two big obstacles to overcome:

 

1. This has been going on for four years. In that time, I suspect you have developed a lot of resentment. Resentment can be hard to overcome.

 

2. Also in that four years, you might have lost a lot of trust in him. Say he gets a job tomorrow -- will you trust that he is in it for the long run and changing, or just placating you as long as he can? If he stops being rude to you, will you trust that he can continue that long term?

 

If I were you, I would bring up these issues in therapy to see how you could get past them if he actually does begin to change.

[Radu]

Daisy, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say your H sounds either incredibly immature or deeply depressed.

 

His actions are one diversion after another from his reality. The bad news is you cannot fix him. He has to want to fix and change himself or you could be living like this for years!

 

The next diversion could be an affair with some woman who has no clue how unhappy he is within himself.

 

Lay it on the line to him. Don't sugarcoat your unhappiness about the relationship. Insist on IC and MC. Be prepared to follow through (divorce) if things do not change over time.

 

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they change, IF they even realize they are at rockbottom.

 

Did you know weed is the drug of choice for untreated ADHD in adults? Did you know untreated ADHD can lead to bi-polar in adulthood?

 

And the biggest question: IF this is true, would you care enough to stick it out IF he embarks on a very long and arduous journey towards change?

 

Good luck to you and whatever you decide. Remember, it's your life and your choice.

 

I'd like to add something to this, because i see myself a bit in your description of your husband as he is now.

All of the things you said are things to escape from reality.

 

The sleep thing could indicate depression.

Pot is to make you forget. Videogames get him hypnotized so his mind doesn't race back to reality.

The rudeness could indicate also escapism, how dare you burst his bubble.

I don't know if this can be called a disorer but i do know that he is escaping reality in just about every little thing he does.

 

As BetrayedH pointed out, you need to have the divorce talk.

Edited June 2, 2012 by Radu

[RedDevil66]

I didn't read all the replies here, but this seems pretty straight forward. Your H is an addict.

You cannot just tell someone with an addition to "shape up". They need serious help like NA or AA.

They need to see an addiction therapist.

 

If you get a good couples therapist, she will actually refuse to see you both until you both work a program. This is not a couples issue, it's an individual issue. You a codependent, him an addict.

 

I wish you the best. This does not go away over night. IT takes years to mend from this.

[reboot]

Cheating, physical and/or mental abuse, and drug abuse are all very valid reasons to end a marriage. You have described all three (having sex with other people is not the only definition of cheating).