Domino63 Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Hi, I have an abuse story. My wife and I had codependency in both of our families growing up. When we got married, it was now in our relationship. We didn't know or understand why we didn't always see eye to eye. We had issues from time to time but our love for one another and a family counselor always seemed to help us work out the problems and move on. We now have 13 and 7 yr old wonderful girls. My wife started doing a lot of on-line research, decided I was emotionally abusing her then went and found an abuse counselor. She decided at the first of March to separate our 26 year relationship (married 24). I said please don't uproot the girls from the only home they've known, I will leave for what she decided to be a 3 mth separation. After 2 weeks she decided she liked being away from me so much she filed for a divorce. Together we seen a our family counselor 3 times. I asked is this all me, I am attending a 26 wk behavioral class, seeing 2 counselors and 1 psychiatrist. They all tell me the same thing, that we were both victims in this relationship for many years. I have learned so much about emotional abuse, codependency and just behavior in general within the last 4 months. My whole extended family and girls say I have changed so much. I have apoligized over and over to my wife and offered to remove as many distractions from my life and only focus on her and our girls, start attending church and do whatever else she feels comfortable with or would like me to do. My understanding is she doesn't trust me, is extremely angry with me based on what she has learned about emotional abuse and just generally says she has no feelings for me anymore. I still love her a great deal and want to do whatever I have to, to make this wright. She continues to see an abuse counselor who has empowered her to speak very mean to me and learn to cut all ties with me, and become very independent. I did take her away from her home right after she graduated high school so maybe she feels like she didn't get to do a lot of things that she should have when she was young. Our family counselor says she is 18 again and I should just let her go. So today she is moving out of our home that we picked out together 7 years ago to raise our children in (big, lots of room). Our 13 yr old doesn't understand her mother at all and is quite unhappy with her but my wife keeps trying to real her back in. Our 7 yr old is just unhappy because she has only known this home, doesn't want to move and really doesn't fully understand. Our 13 yr old wants to live with me only. After learning all about emotional abuse, I believe I had many of these tendencies but am seriously/desperately trying to manage. My wife not only used some of the emotional abuse issues but also used some of the physical abuse when she would get really mad at me. She said she worked on our problems herself then I worked on our problems some then we worked together a little. I had to console my 13 yr old last night because she is so upset/distraught over what her mother is doing, leaving our home. Anyone have thoughts? I did post my story on another thread here but thought I'd inquire on this thread. Thank you for your input Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 I understand the situation but it would be best if you could give some examples of this abuse. I would say that she had already made the decision to divorce long before you moved out. Sounds like she was already done with the relationship and removing her own guilt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Domino63 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 She came to me ever since before we were married for decisions like when to give our children a bath, when to pay utility bills, when was the best time to buy something, when should she fill up the vehicle with gas. If I didn't make the right decision, she would poke fun or give me a hard time. When she came to me about more critical issues like tell me how to lose weight I would say something like just walk for a couple months and see how that works, when she would quit after a week or two I would take away communications, or affection to hopefully motivate her in a few days but it never did and would continue or last too long, very much a no no for a relationship. I should never of even supplied any type of suggestions for weight because this was something that she consistently wouldn't follow through on and I always ended up taking too much away. I was always a fixer so my intent was good but my methods were very bad. I realize this but its seems way too late. We are still working with our mediator for a few more weeks but as of yesterday she is still angry at me, but wont give specifics or even discuss. She did mention to my daughter in an argument they had .. if I keep working in the direction I'm going maybe there might be another chance for her and I down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Dude...don't take this the wrong way...but you are getting screwed with. Abuse? Give me a break. If that's abuse, then almost 99% of husbands in America are abused because we ALL have to ask OUR wives permission to do just about anything. Stop letting her turn you into an "abuser". Sure, you MAY be guilty of being insensitive and not the most caring husband in the world. But PLEASE don't be part of this "abuse" game that gets played. That word gets thrown around like it's a common grammatical preposition. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 "I will leave for what she decided to be a 3 mth separation" SHE decided? Did you have a say in this? Sounds a bit..."abusive" to me, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Domino63 Posted June 1, 2012 Author Share Posted June 1, 2012 M30USA, The only say I had in the separation was uhhh ok. When I finally got her to agree to meet at a public park that she was comfortable in, she told me don't expect much. I took that to mean that she really hadn't got a feel yet as to if the separation was working. It worked alright, so fast that the next day after we met in the park she filed the divorce papers. All I did was try to help her (albeit very lousy help) figure out how to work on her weight issue. I did do something else very bad: my wife believe it or not has very lousy fashion since so she would wear cloths/tops that were way too small almost popping the buttons (even my sister and daughter didn't like her wearing this stuff) and I would say please don't go out in public like that, she would get mad and go anyway so I would say look, you look like trailer trash hoping to get her attention. It did, she used it against me when talking to her abuse counselor. Two more pieces of info that bothers me: 1. My daughter asked my wife if they could go cloths shopping, my wife told her yes but she'd have to use her own money, so they go and both find nice swimming suits. My wife ends up buying herself one. So then my daughter says where are you going to wear it to and my wife says maybe your father(me) will let me come over and swim in his pool. I'm about to have a nervous breakdown because of this situation that she is putting me through after 26 years of a relationship and she thinks I'll be happy to invite her over to swim. Is there a problem with this picture. I know, I've had several of my family members say, why do you want her back if she is acting like this. I'm wondering if she has lost it, so I'm feeling a little sorry for her, missing the happiness of our one time very happy family, wishing my daughters were very happy again and don't want to lose her family and the memories of the past 26 years we've been together. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted June 1, 2012 Share Posted June 1, 2012 Listen, I want to tell you that you are very lucky, even though you don't feel that way. Your wife is communicating with you. It seems like she really feels you abused her, but the point is, at least you two are talking. She didn't go out and cheat with other men behind your back or slap you around. This just seems to be different ways of looking at things and she's doing what she thinks is right. I know it's painful, but I've read some gosh-awful horror story on this website and this isn't one of them. I'm glad you are in therapy. Keep processing what is happening. Keep talking with her. If she wants to go, let her go. But try to work together to help your kids through this. Maybe a mediator will help. Start journaling your feelings out. It's going to be okay. I am confident that you and your wife can find a way to work through the break up so that the kids suffer less. Maybe your wife leaving will help her process things. Maybe when she gets some distance she will decide she want to work things out. You two are communicating and that's a lot more than many couples have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Domino63 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 CopingGal, thank you very much for your input. Yes, we tend to communicate very well when it comes to our daughters and because I don't scream or get really angry at my wife I think she tends to feel comfortable enough to continue talking to me. I feel that she still puts a fair bit of trust in my thoughts and decisions but she doesn't want me expecting her to make the same decisions I do, which is completely understandable. She has always been very fragile/passive when it came to asking for direction/decision from me. Yes sometimes I would be a bit aggressive when responding so I'm sure at some points she probably felt abused. My codependence counselor explained to me just yesterday how we communicate is like passing each other in the dark (it just doesn't seem to work) but it used to so I've been trying to figure out what has changed. In the meantime as late as yesterday at our daughters softball game my wife was back to showing extreme anger towards me. I suspect it has to do with our custody arrangement. She committed to a shared joint 1 week on 1 week off deal since she knows how wonderful I am with the girls. Now that she has moved out, I started the first week. I believe she is having a pretty hard time being away from the girls for a full week. Previously when she was still in the house, I only got the girls every 12 days for 2. She liked that a lot better but I let the mediator know when I was asked, that was not working for me at all. Not to mention I missed my wife just as much as the girls so I actually was missing all 3 very much. She wanted to pick the girls up early tonight but I had made arrangements to run out and get then something nice to eat before they went to their mothers. Where is this all leading? Well I just still care/love her a great deal but she keeps strongly working to convince me that she feels nothing for me even though I can still make her laugh, share cookies with her at the softball games and can make her really mad at me. Does she just want to be a friend or does she still feel love for me but doesn't want the pressure of getting my hopes up? We've been apart for 3 months, she's been out of the house for a week, should I let her make the first step to see if she wants to date sometime or something (no expectations/control or manipulation) at least not on my part. Thanks for any thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 (edited) Thanks for the compliment. She's a bit controlling and maybe insensitive. Take some time to think about what kind of relationship you want....what kind of relationship you need and is she really capable of providing that? Do some true soul searching. What does your brain tell you? What does your gut (your instincts) tell you? What does your heart tell you? Edited June 8, 2012 by CopingGal Link to post Share on other sites
Author Domino63 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 As a matter of fact, I did this just this morning with a parent who asked me the same thing. I would like much of the same relationship returned with the exception of no emotional abuse and her having much more self esteem and independence (which she now seems to have) which would challenge me more. My heart most certainly tells me to get her back for our girls, for me, for my extended family. I love her and miss her dearly. We've been through an awful lot over 26 years and I feel that we know each other well. She has now gained the strengths that I so desperately wanted her to acquire and until she did, held a much lower respect for her. Why did it require things becoming this bad for her to get motivated (mad a me) enough to go get empowered with self esteem and independency? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Domino63 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 Also we were just coming out of a 7 year financial crisis so we didn't have hardly any extra funds. I have given up all my toys, started paying her child support, she started up another home which together we can't afford so I may lose the only home our girls have known. I have them and the home but now with my childcare support she is comfortable living in a rental. I tell her we now have much in common and she says no we don't. I said I have a home, our girls 50% of the time and work to feed, cloth and make them happy when they are with me. She tells me that I'm not caring, all I care about is money and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Domino63 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Yesterday at our daughters softball game she seen I was there with my mom, sister and her baby. My wife came over to us directly after we arrived. She was all chatty, seemed very happy. She had not spoken to any of my family since she filed the divorce papers. All the years when things were good she was emotionally closer to my side of the family, especially my sister. What does this mean, could she be lonely? According to my daughter she had got her hair done yesterday at lunchtime. I thought it looked very nice so I complimented her on it, not standing that close but she turned around took 2 steps back and said thanks. What does all this mean, does she still want to be in my family but just not associated with me? My family still treats her very warm no matter the way she continues to treat me. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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