Deciphering women! Should I mark her birthday?

[freddienonose]

Hello everyone.

 

I suppose my reason for joining this forum is not to bore my friends any longer!

 

Any advice on the following little age-old scenario would be much appreciated.

 

I'd been going out with a girl for the past nearly four months. She stayed at my place approaching two months in and told me that she loved me. I felt the same. The next six weeks or so were amazing - loving, affectionate, speaking every day etc. etc.

 

Then we started to hit some problems - to sum it up: I was jealous and felt that she was becoming a little elusive (not answering calls, not texting as much etc.). She felt that I was insecure and paranoid and, to be honest, there is some truth in that.

 

After a few fights, she asked for us to "slow it down a little" saying that it had become too intense for her too quickly. I wasn't happy but agreed. Three days later she called to say that she felt "ignored" . We met the next day. She believed that I was about to dump her and said that she wanted us to stay together. I admitted that I had considered finishing it but told her that I was still in love. The first hour of the night was difficult and awkward but the rest of the evening was great - holding hands, kissing etc etc.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short (!), she called on Saturday and I asked her to meet for breakfast the following morning (it was a ticketed event and I'd had to pull serious strings to get them). She was at her ex boyfriend's house (they're still close friends and this has caused problems between us also) and said that she'd call me when she got home to arrange.

 

Still no call at 11 - I call and she doesn't answer. I text and she says she's at another friend's house and that she'll call when she gets home. Still no call at 12:45AM - I call again and get no answer. I text - "Why won't you answer me??" and 15 minutes later she calls me from her home phone saying that she's just got in. I go crazy, demanding to know why she won't pick up her phone and she calls me a psycho. She asks does the fact that she doesn't answer her phone make me doubt her whereabouts. I say yes. She tells me I can call her friend to confirm etc etc.

 

Anyhow, we talk for a while and I calm down. She says she feels hurt and angry that I don't trust her and she feels that I've spoken to her with no respect. She then refuses to come to the breakfast. I get angry again and hang up the phone. She texts me 20 minutes later and we text back and forth for an hour with her going over the ground about me hurting her, being paranoid and my fears all being in my head etc. She still refuses to come to the breakfast.

 

That was Sunday. Monday and Tuesday we speak on the phone and she says she's not sure about our relationship anymore and that her life is too complicated for it at the moment (this is true. Trust me, she's been through some CRAZY stuff over the last few months). She says she needs to think and then dumps me with a text on Tuesday night.

 

There's no contact until Friday morning when I have a $100 bouquet of flowers delivered to her house along with a 1,000 word letter. Don't worry though - it wasn't over the top. It was nice and humourous. I outlined my favourite special moments that we'd shared - little ones that wouldn't neccesarily come to mind but that she'd remember upon being reminded.

 

She texts me "I'm overwhelmed. They're beautiful. Thank you!". And that's it.

 

That evening I text her and ask her to meet me for a drink - No dice. The next day she texts me that she hopes I had a good night out. I text her and ask has my letter made her think about things.

 

She says "It was beautiful but nothing has changed. I need to be alone for a while".

 

I ask her should I move on and forget about her or should we stay in touch and would there be a chance that she'd be interested in starting slowly again (Pathetic, I know).

 

She doesn't reply until the next day and says "Your letter meant so much to me. It was lovely. I don't want to rule out us getting back together but I don't want to promise anything either. You can understand that".

 

And that was it for five days. Then last Friday night I was standing on a street with some friends and I turned around to see her standing in front of me smiling. We spoke for 20 seconds max. It was horrific. Awkward, stilted, polite. I asked her where her and her friends were going. She said for something to eat and then out for a few drinks. "Will I text you?" she said. "Erm, yeah, okay," I replied and she left. I was shaking and couldn't even speak for an hour after she left and, of course, she didn't text.

 

There's been no contact since then (three days).

 

Sorry, I've made a meal out of that.

 

Anyway, the bottom line is that I've been a total mess since she dumped me (two weeks tomorrow) and I want her back. This has made me realise how in love I am. I even broke down and cried like a little girl on a crowded bus the other day.

 

Now, her birthday is coming up this week. What should I do? I was planning on using it to make another romantic gesture, another attempt to get her back. Thing is, everyone I know says that me ignoring her birthday gives me a better chance of winning her back as - knowing the type of guy I am - she'll be expecting me to send something to her on the day. They reckon that not acknowledging it will give me back some power, some dignity and will make her wonder why I'm not chasing anymore.

 

Any thoughts?

[HokeyReligions]

It may seem like it, but four months is not much time to know each other. She has issues that she needs to deal with and, no offense meant, but it seems like you have some of your own issues too.

 

Leave her alone - date others. It doesn't meant that you can't contact her again in a few months, but give yourself some time to evaluate how you acted and reacted in this brief relationship and make whatever changes to yourself that you want to make. Think about how upset you have been because of how she is treating you now--you don't want to live like that. Love does not necessarily mean that the relationship is a good one, or that you would be good for each other.

[freddienonose]

No offence taken. That comment actually perversely cheered me up!

 

But you're right, I do suffer from feelings of jealousy and paranoia. With her though, a lot of that stems from the fact that she has previously left a boyfriend of three years for his best friend.

 

And therein lies my dilemma. She's one of those slightly insecure girls who seem to always need a man in her life. She's also extremely beautiful, knows this, exploits it and is the subject of heavy male attention all the time. So, I feel that if I leave it a few weeks before trying to get her back it'll be too late. She'll have already found somebody else. Or been with a few other people - this too would be difficult for me to accept.

 

If anything, this has made me learn a lesson about my jealous behaviour. I'd like for her to be the beneficiary of that lesson though.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by freddienonose

she has previously left a boyfriend of three years for his best friend.

 

She's one of those slightly insecure girls who seem to always need a man in her life. She's also extremely beautiful, knows this, exploits it and is the subject of heavy male attention all the time. So, I feel that if I leave it a few weeks before trying to get her back it'll be too late. She'll have already found somebody else. Or been with a few other people - this too would be difficult for me to accept.

 

This doesn't sound like she is in any way ready to settle down and by continuing the relationship now, you may end up very hurt later. For a relationship to succeed your goals and priorities need to be aligned and that means that you both need to be on the same page as far as making a commitment. It may be better to nurse your hurt heart now, rather than subjecting yourself to the strong possibility of total devastation later on. Imagine if you had a couple of years "invested" in a relationship with her and she decides to leave or have a fling, or tells you that she just wasn't as serious as you about the relationship.

 

Maybe if you date some others now and then meet up with her in a couple of years, she will have reached a point in her life where she is more ready to settle down. (I'll bet by then you will have found someone whom you will love more then this girl)

[freddienonose]

Thanks again, Hokey.

 

I suppose there is the possibility that she perceived me as being very serious about the relationship. I'm a hopeless, hopeless romantic - something which I don't think she always appreciated. In fact, she said that my beliefs about love were too "Idealistic".

 

I don't want to get married or anything though. To be honest, I don't even believe that she's the one for me. I do, however, feel that our relationship hadn't run its course. I think we had a good bit of time left in us.

 

Something's going to give though. I may be able to hold out past her birthday on Thursday but if there's no contact over the weekend, I fear I'll do something pathetic (a drunken call to tell her how much I love her in the early hours is a distinct possibility).

 

I'm sure that this is the opposite of how you should behave if you want to win someone back but there's so much I feel went unsaid.

[dreamguy]

freddienonose I think HokeyReligions is giving you some pretty good advice in both replies ! Put it to use.

You admitted it and after reading your thread I admitted it as well (no offense): you suffer from excessive jealousy and paranoia. You have to change that if you want to be happy and want the other person to be happy in your future relationships.

 

The more you control yourself (don't know how much you can do that right now) the better the results.

I'm not telling you to forget about her as if she had never existed in your life. I'm just telling you not to do anything foolish (drunken calls, stalking, etc...) if you ever want to get a chance to live those "remaining" nice moments you talk about with her.

[J_weik]

Uhh i'm sorry, Who wouldn't be that way if their girlfriend/boyfriend was at their ex's house? Thats just plain stupidty in my book, im sorry.

[Hurt]

My girlfriend was at her ex's, constantly on the text, told me they were just friends, when you tell a man that you love him and that you will not hurt him am=nd then turn around and spend 4 hrs with an ex, there is somthing wrong in the relationship, she is not thinking of your hurt, but her instant satisfaction at keeping to people at bay, I still love my GF, but it hurts too much to stay there, the no contact is a miserable way to spend time, but someone here said that love has to be more, respect, caring for the others feelings and yes, letting go of an ex and give the present love a chance to grow! Some wrote me this:

 

Dear am I crazy,

 

No you are not crazy -- or if you are, I am too.

 

It may not be totally realistic to want your partner to cut off strong feelings for someone she was once in love with, but that is what most of us imperfect human beings do want.

 

Yes, it's OK to be friends. No, it is not OK to spend time at an ex’s house or having weekly messages. That applies to all grown-ups concerned, if it is tolerable for the new partner, then it is OK, but what you describe sounds like friends with an asterisk. Then she needs to respect your needs, after all, she says she loves you and yet hurts you with this ex. If she is not willing to let go, then you need to move on with your life, there is someone out there who will understand your wants and needs.

 

It also sounds like she is not at all finished with the relationship she is no longer in. What did your present partner sign up for with you? You talk about looking forward to sharing your life with her. The question is whether she has in her mind the same idea you do. If it was to have an exclusive, committed, from-the-heart pairing, then it probably has gotten a little too crowded in there for comfort.

 

I think a serious heart-to-heart with your girlfriend is in order. It is up to her to tell Mr. Ex that it is time to back off and leave the two of you to continue building your relationship without him shadowing your journey. He needs to know that she loves you.