two weeks after discovering my wife in an affair

[jiltedkoss424]

what was the deal with the $500.00 cash in her drawer? was it his money he gave her or your joint acct money?

 

No it was money that she exchanged. It really doesn't sound like they were making any plans any more serious than meeting with each other for sex (in case that's not serious enough).

[jiltedkoss424]

Hey JK----Bryan's question was on point----where is the accountability here.

 

Your wife is still lying to you---she told you she had sex for the 1st time, the 2nd trip---if that is the case---what did she, all the other women, and all those men do for the 3 days they were in that hotel, the 1st trip,----maybe they played darts, maybe pictionary, how about 20 questions, or maybe they played truth or dare---and the dare was to have sex----or maybe it was strip poker---SOMETHING HAD TO HAPPEN IN THREE DAYS TIME, and I promise you it wasn't complimentary toward your mge.

 

You have given us some reasons why, in her mind she found it necessary to destroy the lives of her own children, along with your life---for this will never go away-----it may lessen somewhat, but you may trigger, the rest of your life-----tell me, the sex you had, did you enjoy it, knowing there was an elephant in the room, did you mentally try to compare yourself with him-----these are problems you are gonna face as long as you stay with her---they have to be dealt with and overcome----can you honestly say you can look at her, at times, and not wanna puke.

 

Why is she all of a sudden wanting to be back in your good graces, why does she all of a sudden "get it"---after she was willing to do everything for her lover---money that belonged to the family, was to go toward him, clothes she never got for you----they were for him----why all of a sudden is she back

 

Is it cuz she is scared sh*tless of having you D., her, making her a divorced, single mother of 2 kids, with an adulterer label on her----knowing she will have to work extremely hard to make ends meet----knowing there probably are not a whole of great choices out there for her to hook up with----the above could very well be why she is all of a sudden allegedly working her butt off----Do you really think it is cuz she loves you-----you are gonna wonder about this the rest of your married life

 

When you took vows did you sign on to become a parole officer, well guess what, that is exactly what you will become---for how long only you and your sub--conscious knows

 

I will tell you one thing---you had better treat this whole A., with harshness, for if she percieves you were easy about the way this went down, she will KNOW she can cheat again, cuz you will basically do nothing about it!!!!!!---Good luck to you, you got a long road ahead, and a big mountain to climb, if you stay with your children's mother.

 

I appreciate your post, and I've acutally saved it so I can read again (and maybe again and again). Honesty you've hit the nail on the head. There is nothing that you've written that I haven't already thought about. In fact these thoughts are getting stronger now that I'm getting past the shock of the actually A.

 

I know that something went on on the first trip, and even if she was honest with me about that, it would still be way outside of what is acceptable for a wife to do in a marriage. However, that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, because she did admit to what she did to on the 2nd trip. SO really doesn't it matter if they slept together once, twice, or 7 times?

 

However, my wife has not resisted any of the things that I've told her I need from her and has been very co-operative in helping me deal with things. From what I've read, this is not always the case in all similar situations.

 

We are both seeing counsellors at this time, and at some point in the future will start couple counselling. She also doing her best from what I see to avoid any suspicious behaviour. She has volunteered her passport to me, provided me with all the passwords to email, facebook, her phonebill ect. (I already got these with my own methods any way during the suspicious period) and giving me access to her phone on demand.

 

There is no doubt that it's going to be a long road, however, I know in my heart that I'm not staying in this marriage at this point because I'm sacred of leaving her. I'm actually very confident in myself at this point. I'm here right now because I want to be even as hard as it is. (even though sometimes I think I'm a fool for doing so).

 

At this point though, nothing is off the table, and I remind my wife of that often.

Edited June 7, 2012 by jiltedkoss424

[Owl]

It sounds to me like you're started down the right track if you're wanting to try to reconcile.

 

Let me ask a couple of things tho.

 

Has she sent an "NC letter" to OM...informing him that she regrets her actions, that she's working on the marriage, and that she wants NO further contact with him...and copied you on that correspondence?

 

What is the delay in starting marriage/couples counseling?

 

What's the current status on telling OMW?

[jiltedkoss424]

It sounds to me like you're started down the right track if you're wanting to try to reconcile.

 

Let me ask a couple of things tho.

 

Has she sent an "NC letter" to OM...informing him that she regrets her actions, that she's working on the marriage, and that she wants NO further contact with him...and copied you on that correspondence?

 

What is the delay in starting marriage/couples counseling?

 

What's the current status on telling OMW?

 

 

She informed me that she called him and told him that there would be no contact. At this point, I think that's good enough for me. If she has called him then I don't there is any point in having her contact him again. And if she is still in contact with him (which I have not seen any evidence of) and she did call him, text him or write him in my presence, there is no guarantee that she couldn't call him again and say that it was all for my benefit and she didn't mean it.

 

As far as counselling goes, it was my decision to start things alone before going in together. I've only had one appointment at this time and I'm going again next week. My wife has been once. I wanted to feel out the councillor and, get some things of my chest away from my wife and get confirmation that we're on the right track. Our councillor thinks we've actually done amazing so far given the circumstance.

 

I've tried calling the OMW but there was no answer and no answering machine. So I created a fake facebook account (I don't want her to know my details) and friended her on facebook. I've since messaged her that way giving her the details and letting her know that this should all match up with her husbands phonebill (which according to the report I got on the phone number is in her hame anyway). There has been no response. I think I'm leaving it at that for now.

[Snowflower]

 

I've tried calling the OMW but there was no answer and no answering machine. So I created a fake facebook account (I don't want her to know my details) and friended her on facebook. I've since messaged her that way giving her the details and letting her know that this should all match up with her husbands phonebill (which according to the report I got on the phone number is in her hame anyway). There has been no response. I think I'm leaving it at that for now.

 

FWIW, I think you have done the right thing. I'm often "on the fence" about telling others about the A. I think so much depends on the circumstances but in your particular situation, I think the other BS needed to know. Since you are across the border from each other, it makes backlash more difficult than if you all lived in the same town for instance.

 

Again, I'm glad you have tried to let her know. I wish you would get some type of confirmation that she has indeed gotten your FB messages. (how in the world did you get her to accept your friend request when she doesn't know you-or your alias? )

 

One caveat...if/when she does find out and the sh*t hits the fan with her WH/OM, he might try to contact your wife out of desperation/commiseration.

 

Be wary! But I truly believe you did the right thing.

[2sunny]

So she called him behind YOUR back... And didn't allow YOU to be present for THAT very important phone call? The phone call that should set the stage for HER transparency and the phone call that should have ALLOWED YOU to SEE and HEAR first hand that she would begin to be open and honest about what she's saying and doing!

 

No can do - that's not good enough! No way!!!!!

 

For all you know - she could have asked him to keep quiet and lay low until you're no longer paying CLOSE enough attention to her - and that she would secretly contact him when the coast is clear.

 

She's not earning your trust back at all - that trust she has broken - she's still being sneaky.

 

And since she's not making it HER priority to immediately get other counselor - she's not looking like she trying to find out what is broken inside of HER!

 

I'm not convinced she's sorry she did it- maybe only sorry she got caught.

[jiltedkoss424]

 

Again, I'm glad you have tried to let her know. I wish you would get some type of confirmation that she has indeed gotten your FB messages. (how in the world did you get her to accept your friend request when she doesn't know you-or your alias? )

 

One caveat...if/when she does find out and the sh*t hits the fan with her WH/OM, he might try to contact your wife out of desperation/commiseration.

 

Be wary! But I truly believe you did the right thing.

 

See I can be sneaky too. OMW didn't lock down her friends info on Facebook. So was able to find someone that she friended years ago. I copied that person's profile pic and noted her personal info. Then I created a throw-away gmail account to create a facebook profile that looked like someone OMW knew. She accepted by friend invitation almost instantly. I then sent her a message.

[jiltedkoss424]

So she called him behind YOUR back... And didn't allow YOU to be present for THAT very important phone call? The phone call that should set the stage for HER transparency and the phone call that should have ALLOWED YOU to SEE and HEAR first hand that she would begin to be open and honest about what she's saying and doing!

 

No can do - that's not good enough! No way!!!!!

 

For all you know - she could have asked him to keep quiet and lay low until you're no longer paying CLOSE enough attention to her - and that she would secretly contact him when the coast is clear.

 

She's not earning your trust back at all - that trust she has broken - she's still being sneaky.

 

And since she's not making it HER priority to immediately get other counselor - she's not looking like she trying to find out what is broken inside of HER!

 

I'm not convinced she's sorry she did it- maybe only sorry she got caught.

 

Hold on. I see your points. But to be fair, she told me that she called him the morning after our D-Day. This was not something that we discussed the night before, as I had bigger issues to worry about then how I was going to monitor my wife breaking off the affair. In fact, she thinks, or at leasts tells me, that she took that action because she really wanted to be done with it.

 

Having said that, I think it is prudent is retrospect to have her call or text him one more time with myself present.

[2sunny]

Hold on. I see your points. But to be fair, she told me that she called him the morning after our D-Day. This was not something that we discussed the night before, as I had bigger issues to worry about then how I was going to monitor my wife breaking off the affair. In fact, she thinks, or at leasts tells me, that she took that action because she really wanted to be done with it.

 

Having said that, I think it is prudent is retrospect to have her call or text him one more time with myself present.

 

I think she can say anything she wants - but it doesn't make it her truth.

 

Does she know WHY she cheated? Can she explain why she deprived YOU of sex for so long but WILLINGLY gave it to him - and traveled FAR to be sure to get more from HIM?

 

Why are YOU not totally outraged with HER behavior?

 

She purposely ignored YOUR NEEDS and focused on giving a ton of things to HIM that she wouldn't do with/for you!

 

She's not the woman you THOUGHT she COULD be.

[Snowflower]

See I can be sneaky too. OMW didn't lock down her friends info on Facebook. So was able to find someone that she friended years ago. I copied that person's profile pic and noted her personal info. Then I created a throw-away gmail account to create a facebook profile that looked like someone OMW knew. She accepted by friend invitation almost instantly. I then sent her a message.

 

Interesting. Well, I hope the other BS takes the information you sent seriously.

 

Have you checked the account? Are you still "friends" with her, or more accurately is she still "friends" with your alias?

 

Hold on. I see your points. But to be fair, she told me that she called him the morning after our D-Day. This was not something that we discussed the night before, as I had bigger issues to worry about then how I was going to monitor my wife breaking off the affair. In fact, she thinks, or at leasts tells me, that she took that action because she really wanted to be done with it.

 

Having said that, I think it is prudent is retrospect to have her call or text him one more time with myself present.

 

I know it might seem like you're getting hammered with questions here about believing your wife at this point. You see, many of us have been in your shoes at one time or another. From my own experience and from what I have read here and elsewhere, we betrayed spouses want to believe and trust very badly everything our WS is telling us.

 

We want some semblance of normalcy and stability after our world has imploded.

 

We want to go back into the default mode of trusting our spouse because after all, we were able to trust them for a long time.

 

I hope that your wife is telling you the truth now and she has indeed cut off all communication with the OM. Thing is, it is not prudent to accept at face value anything she says. Not yet. 'Trust but verify' is often touted as good advice and having been through it myself, I would agree.

 

I think many posters here are urging you to be cautious and yes, suspicious of your wife for now. Because all too often, a BS will find out sooner rather than later that contact never really ceased between the WS and the AP but went deeper underground. I hope that is not your situation but caution is a very good thing.

 

It is hard to know exactly what to do after all this. Believe me, I understand and know that you're doing your absolute best.

 

Just... be wary. You have been hurt enough.

[jnj express]

Hey JK---Why are you going to counseling------you did nothing wrong---you did not cheat---you did not do anything to cause major problems, in your case counseling for you would be a waste of your money---as to your children's mother, she needs to find out why she went willingly to another man to get what she wanted, instead of her kids father, and her husband.

 

The major thing you are guilty of is lack of forced communication with your wife----when things became dead, you both just let it slide---neither making the other spouse do what was necessary to get this mge., going again

 

Many mge.'s hit low points 7 to 10 yrs out---same old, same old, boring--etc.

 

I don't know what you will do, when this is all over and done---but you must take this away from all of this----your wife knew what she was doing, she was with the guy for, what, 3 days the 1st trip, and she knew every step of the way what the results of her cheating were going to be, the murder of your mge, the possible destruction of your kids lives, the destruction of your soul---she knew all of that as she step by step did what was necessary to get it on with her new lover---and she did it all happily/willingly

 

On top of that she lied, manipulated her way into a 2nd trip immediately, just so she could further destroy you---SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING, AND SHE WANTED IT TO HAPPEN---she did not give a hoot about her family---WHY WAS THAT----was her cheap, sex worth it to the family/mge., that now lies in ruin.

 

You only caught her cuz she wanted to go right back for a 3rd trip.

 

Your wife can be doing everything possible to make this right---BUT WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW IS, WHY?????---She certainly does not care about you and her kids, if she cared, truly loved you, we wouldn't be here, WOULD WE!!!!! if you hadn't caught her, she would be continuing her bold face lies, even now as we speak, leaving a H/Kids, in the dust---just for what cheap, tawdry sex.

 

Have you gotten STD tested, has she?????----Are you going to really want to touch her lips, the lips that she allowed a complete stranger to touch, are you really gonna wanna touch her body, or enter her, knowing a strange man was just there----a man she had no right by SACRED VOWS, allowing there----------

 

Do you really think, your future, as a married couple can be anything---but misery, heartache----yours for the destruction---hers, IF SHE HAS ANY SHAME, REPENTENANCE, REMORSE, CONTRITENESS, for what she has done to those innocents who loved her unconditionally----how do you get past what she has willingly/happily wrought down on her own family.

 

As to her GF's----IMHO----you should just plain---blast away at all of her GF's, for not protecting their own mge's-----this was just a hunting expedition for married women, to cheat on their families---and EVERYONE OF THOSE WOMEN SHOULD BE DROPPED FROM YOUR LIFE IMMEDIATELY----if their H's were your friends, too bad---that is the price they pay for living with woman who think it is great fun to go out and have cheap sex, and wreck families along the way

 

If you R., some of your boundaries MUST BE---and they are ACTIONABLE DEALBREAKERS------NO MORE CONTACT WITH ANY OF THOSE WOMEN, AND THEIR FAMILIES, FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER----THEY ARE GONE, THEY DO NOT EXIST TO YOU ANYMORE---It may be a shame that their H's, and kids, your friends, the friends of your children have to be dropped from your life, but that is the way it has to be----there has to be accountability for what was done---and this is part of that penance----All of that NC, goes into existence NOW.

 

There will be no more GNO's of any kind---EVER----your wife cannot be trusted---she has a family---that is where her time needs to be---she needs to plan and do extra things for her family---the family that she tried so hard to wreck.

 

If I were you, I would also make her sign a POST--NUP, with a DURESS clause.---Whatever other boundaries, you put in, and I am sure you have many---they should be in place

 

If she says ONE WORD, in opposition to any of this---TELL HER TO GO AND HIRE AN ATTY.---to defend a Divorce action---cuz D. goes on the table immediately.----You are to put up with NO arguments from her at all

 

Or you could just suggest she pack all her belongings, and go live with her lover

 

If you take anything else away from what I say here---IT IS THAT YOU MUST BE EXTREMELY HARSH ---(Not abusive) BUT HARSH----she has to know this is a deadly serious matter, and she at all times is w/in one step of having D., filed agst her

 

Enjoy your life as a PAROLE OFFICER---for that is what you will be for a long time to come------good luck to you---may you find some happiness in your life, somewhere down the line----same for your girls---try stay in good health!!!!!!

[2sunny]

Has your W ended all communication with those "friends" she traveled with? The ones that helped plot and plan cheating...

 

If she hasn't - I'd suggest it!

[jiltedkoss424]

Yes, but I was her choice. I didnt make her, but I told If she didn't I was dobecwiththe marriage.

[2sunny]

Has she seen the counselor yet?

[jiltedkoss424]

yup she is. She's seen her councillor twice already and their already talking about her childhood. I'm not a big fan of that as I don't think I'm ready to start working on anything prior to the A, and there is no excuse for what she did. However, I do realize that if we continue on this path we will need to talk about this.

 

We have the same councillor and I really liked my first session. I've went in with an agenda of what I need to work on right now and have been keeping a journal of my thoughts so I can stay on track in future meetings.

[2sunny]

yup she is. She's seen her councillor twice already and their already talking about her childhood. I'm not a big fan of that as I don't think I'm ready to start working on anything prior to the A, and there is no excuse for what she did. However, I do realize that if we continue on this path we will need to talk about this.

 

We have the same councillor and I really liked my first session. I've went in with an agenda of what I need to work on right now and have been keeping a journal of my thoughts so I can stay on track in future meetings.

 

If there's no excuse for what SHE did - then why are YOU willing to live with that?

[robf1971]

Or you could just suggest she pack all her belongings, and go live with her lover!!!!

 

You to wife.

 

'Wife you are right, I think you and OM should be together, in fact I want you to be together, so I've packed your suitcases, sent them to OM's house, I've also informed OM's wife so that she will know to expect you'

[jiltedkoss424]

If there's no excuse for what SHE did - then why are YOU willing to live with that?

 

Because that is the decision that I've made at this point.

[2sunny]

Because that is the decision that I've made at this point.

 

Then you have made a decision - and you obviously don't need any more input from us.

 

You decide to live with her cheating and give her no clear consequences for her bad behavior - she is likely to do it again. There's nothing to help you with since this IS YOUR CHOICE.

 

You deserve better than to settle for so little - but I can't help you see that.

 

 

Best wishes.

 

Please stop contradicting yourself. You say there's no excuse yet you take her back without here've finding what the reason may be. Her choices show her character! Her lack of character is the heart and soul of WHO she is. Yet you take her back.

Edited June 8, 2012 by 2sunny

[Steadfast]

I know it might seem like you're getting hammered with questions here about believing your wife at this point. You see, many of us have been in your shoes at one time or another. From my own experience and from what I have read here and elsewhere, we betrayed spouses want to believe and trust very badly everything our WS is telling us.

 

Well said and well put. You would be well advised to read and let this sink in jilted. Your behavior is not unusual; when we experience great shock, sadness or any kind of pain (emotional or physical) our built in intuition is to make the pain go away. For many of us, looking back on that allows many of us to see and recognize it. Take the advice as it is presented.

 

Think it out.

 

What you're doing is not easy. Breathe. Look at it from all sides. Think.

 

Hang in.

[jnj express]

OK---so you are willing to be a parole officer, and live in misery

 

What has she/is she doing to make this all work out

 

She is going to counciling---they are trying to work this thru her FOO---that may be the answer---but

 

What about her actions, what is she doing to rectify what she has done to you and her won flesh and blood kids.

 

-----how do you accept what she actually did

 

Instead of really, really talking to you---she went on a man hunting expedition with 6 other women---THEY F'ing KNEW WHAT THE WERE GONNA DO---how does she rectify, spending 3 days with a strange guy---who she F'ing knew absolutely nothing about---yet she gives herself to him, just like that----where did you and the kids come in---you didn't---and you are just gonna let it all slide under the rug---you know darn well they had sex that 1st time---what else would there have been for those women to do, they were cloistered with those guys for 3 days. Do you think they all just sat there on opposite sides of the room and looked at each other---you better believe, there was booze, and probably drugs---but it doesn't matter ------right it doesn't matter, cuz she is such a good wonderful woman---can I puke now?????

 

She immediately now goes into deceit mode, lying, conniving planning---and she rushes right back for round 2 with her lover---but I guess that's OK, with you---right, you will never think about it, you won't have visions---your sub--conscious won't talk to you---some more rug sweeping

 

The only reason you caught her, was cuz she bought the lingerie, put aside money, which was unusual, and immediately wanted to go back for round 3.

 

Where were you, as to her, where were her own kids, YOU F'ing WEREN'T--SHE WAS SO HOT TO HAVE HER LOVER, AND HIS CHEAP TAWDRY SEX, THAT SHE DIDN'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT HER FAMILY''

 

What are you basically doing about it---I am willing to bet---and believe me I do bet---you sleep together, she has her life as it was before, she comes and goes as she needs to----WHAT THE F, has been done to make her show some ACCOUNTABILITY, some PENANCE---or to you is counseling what it is all about, that being enuff.

 

What do you not understand, about that, she has allowed, a total stranger, inside of her---into your lives---someone she knows absolutely nothing about---and you don't seem to care---cuz you have decided to conduct life as usual

 

I hope for your sake you are willing to live the rest of your life in a form of misery---the only thing, that has any possible chance of making all your pain and hurt lessen, and maybe go away---is if she goes away---and then there is no guarantee---but then again--maybe none of this bothers you----

 

I do really wish you luck---to many this may not seem as a horribly major bout of cheating-----to others it would be zero tolerance, and the mge., would already be in D., mode---only you live in your shoes---so you will do what you deem necessary---once again---good luck to you as you spend the rest of your days, with this woman, who threw you over, and gave herself, to a scumbag!!!!!!!

[Steadfast]

I hope for your sake you are willing to live the rest of your life in a form of misery---the only thing, that has any possible chance of making all your pain and hurt lessen, and maybe go away---is if she goes away---and then there is no guarantee---but then again--maybe none of this bothers you----

 

I agree with your advice, but you're beating the poster over the head with it.

 

We sometimes forget that it takes some time to gain clarity and work up the direction we need to move on and be happy. And while I _do_ believe there there is black-white/right-wrong, we each make our own path. This poster has a mouthful of information and emotion. Let him chew on it for awhile.