Fiance is easily offeneded (new behavior)

[Verymuchinlove]

I met my fiance about a year ago. We had a whirlwind of a relationship where *nothing* could go wrong. The love that was there was so genuine and so strong I though our relationship was bullitproof. Then we got engaged. She had told me she wanted to marry me and was excited for that day. She said yes and everything was mostly the same except now she had a fuze. We never had a single argument, not one until after we were engaged. Now we seem to have some type of disagreement about once a week and it is always stemming from some simple stupid little thing that explodes in about 20 seconds to something grand.

 

For instance, last night my finace was out all day and when she got home and I started to make dinner for her. She said she was hungry and so was I, so I made grilled chicken, those packaged instant noodle things and steamed corn. When everything was ready she took the pot of pasta and dumped it on her plate, filling 3/4 of the plate with pasta. I was like "wow, someone's hungry huh?" BOOM! That was the wrong thing to say, she looked at me with daggers in her eyes and took it as a personal insult and insisted I said it with a mean intensions. On confronting her on why she would think I would be mean she said I say things without realizing how I say them. We are on opposite ends of the spectrum on this. She insists I say things meanly without realizing it and I say that I could say that to 100 other people the same way and nobody but her would get offended. In my mind, I said it like a joking funny way, becuase frankly, it looked a little silly, so I joked. It seems to me that she's almost looking for an excuse to get mad at me. We'll argue and reconcile and be 100% in love again, vowing never to argue over such petty things, but it happens.

 

So what could be causing this? As of right now we are the most loving couple on the planet and everything is skippy dorry. But within a week I fear I will walk on the proverbial landmind by saying just one wrong thing and it will blow up again.

 

I do know that she is stressed out over the wedding planning. She does not not change well and I do, she is a little pessemsitic and I am always optimistic, she is an ultra planner and I am more care free. So is it possible she is just under too much stress (stress I don't have) and little things blow up because of this? Anyone experience this before? What did you do to resolve it and prevent it from happeneing more? Many thanks.

[tiki]

Originally posted by Verymuchinlove

she took the pot of pasta and dumped it on her plate, filling 3/4 of the plate with pasta. I was like "wow, someone's hungry huh?" BOOM! That was the wrong thing to say, she looked at me with daggers in her eyes and took it as a personal insult and insisted I said it with a mean intensions.

 

This would have hurt my feelings too. Are you measuring how much she eats? Is it really any of your concern or are you trying to make small talk? What's on her plate shouldn't be an issue. I'd blow up too, sorry dude.

 

You guys may have added stress from the wedding plans, that stuff is hard to deal with. Are you helping her out? Suggest lending an extra hand during the tough times, she will appreciate the offer. Try to be involved in the wedding planning/coordination...don't leave her swamped with stuff to do. It's the TWO of yours wedding.

[Debster]

I've never heard of skippy dorry - is he any relation to hunky dorry?

 

Once engaged, many things go through a woman's head. At least they did in mine. It is naturally a point to evaluate the relationship and try to iron out things before they become issues. You don't want to change your partner once married. Instead, the engagement is the time where you air any issues/concerns and come to mutually beneficial ways of handling things. It's learning to fight fair and setting the stage for how you two will treat each other for the rest of your life and what is acceptable behaviour. IMO, It is a natural phase of the relationship.

 

My fiance and I had rarely fought until we got engaged. The stress of planning a wedding and melding of the families that you need to cope with. It can get pretty tiring. But that is also how I learned that my fiance and I can get through anything. Yes, he might piss me off one day. And I might piss him off the other. But we talk about it, deal with it and we learn from it.

 

She insists I say things meanly without realizing it and I say that I could say that to 100 other people the same way and nobody but her would get offended. In my mind, I said it like a joking funny way, becuase frankly, it looked a little silly, so I joked. It seems to me that she's almost looking for an excuse to get mad at me. We'll argue and reconcile and be 100% in love again, vowing never to argue over such petty things, but it happens.

 

Who cares what 100 other people say or think. You should care how your fiance feels, whether or not you agree with it. Mind you, I side with your fiance on this one. It was insensitive. As a bride who feels a bit like a sausage herself, weight is not something to joke about. No matter what. It can be taken the wrong way, so many ways that it is best avoided.

 

When issues like this occur with me and my fiance, he will say he didn't mean it that way but will say that if that is how I feel or how it made me feel he apologizes. I do the same thing. It might not be what I meant to say or how I meant it, but that isn't what matters. What matters is how it made your fiance feel.

[moimeme]

I would've laughed and said 'yeah - wanna make something of it?' and then maybe we'd play wrestle. If you two can't tease each other kindly, this is not a good sign. If she doesn't understand that you love her and so you would not say something hurtful, also not a good sign.

 

You marry someone you trust to want good things for you, not someone you expect to hurt you. It doesn't sound as though she believes you care about her, IMHO.

 

Obviously, I disagree with the others. If you are both stressed, the best antidote is to try to lighten up and have fun, rather than both becoming tightly coiled and ready to pounce. If you were smiling and had a demeanour of kidding when you said it, then she was taking it too hard. I also disgree about whether people understand your humour or not. If everybody else can tell when you're kidding and she can't, that could be another basic difference. Sharing a sense of humour is pretty important. If neither of you appreciates the other's humour, that'll be another point of disconnect.

[Debster]

moimeeme, I respectfully disagree.

 

While his fiance may know and understand he cares about her, she still has to voice areas where she feels hurt or upset. Otherwise it will get buried and can cause a ton of issues down the line.

 

While my fiance and I do tease each other quite often, there is a time and a place for it. If one of us is hurt or upset, it is not the time to tease each other. I come from a family where some sayings are seen as funny - where other families/people might be offended or hurt. I used to say 'What's Wrong with you?' in a joking, teasing way with a smile to my fiance. In my family, it was a reminder of a TV show or movie we watched together. He didn't appreciate it and thought it was belittling him. I apologized and said that I didn't mean it taht way and explained how I did mean it. He understood but asked me not to say it again. It is respecting each other's differences and what they do and do not appreciate. My fiance used to just brush those things aside until he realized the were building up resentment. Now I know the areas where I can and can't tease him as well as the sign when he has had 'enough' teasing - and vice versa. In my case, I vetoed weight / appetite comments.

 

If you don't set the 'ok, enough' signal in advance or talk about 'don't go there' areas, it could cause problems down the line.

[thecake]

That comment wouldn't have offended me...I would have made a joke out of it.

 

Is this the first marriage for each of you? Having been married myself a long time ago one thing I realized when I got married is that the things that seemed like a problem or bothered me BEFORE we got married became much worse after we were married. I divorced him after a year and we had dated for 3 years...

 

Just something for you to think about.

[moimeme]

I agree people should stay away from others' tender spots, but remember the poster gave that as one example of behaviour he says is constant; he feels he's 'walking on eggs' around her. Which is *very* different from once in a while hitting someone's sore point.

[jmargel]

Verymuch,

 

I'm not sure what kind of condition you are in, but if you were a little overweight and she said 'Oh, that shirt makes you look like you have man-boobs', how would you feel? Probably like you aren't good enough for her, and she is pointing fun.

 

It's not funny when the joke is at your fianacee's expense. Guys do say stupid things, without it having much meaning to them, but to a woman it's totally different. Wedding plans are very stressful, me & my fiancee are going through that ourselves. And it's natural to analyze the other, when these little things happen. In that, she may think 'Do I have to put up with these put-downs the rest of my life?'. I'm sure you didn't say these kind of things before the engagement. Don't get so comfortable with her that you take her for granted. Before you say something that you think might be funny for you, wait about 30 seconds and think.. If it's going to be at her expense, then don't do it.

[Debster]

I do agree that the walking on eggshells thing is not good.

 

But I stand by the fact that IF you want to marry HER - stop thinking about what other people think/feel and focus on how she thinks/feels.

 

The Cake:

 

I realized when I got married is that the things that seemed like a problem or bothered me BEFORE we got married became much worse after we were married. I divorced him after a year and we had dated for 3 years...

 

I'm curious. How were the problems handled before you got married? What problems did you guys have?

[Verymuchinlove]

This is out 1st marriage for both of us, we are both 30. My fiance is very sexy and has the least to worry about weight than 99% of the entire nation, so unless there was some hidden food disorder, the comment should not have offended her. She said it wasn't what I said, but how I said it (after I did some digging to find out the source of the problem). This was just an example.

 

One other time I asked her to repeat it was I said that upset her, she said it in a way that was vindictive, actually adding a nasty inflection that I absolutely did not have when I said it. I don't remember what it was, but if I said "How was your day?" She would have heard "HOW WAS YOUR DAY! <roll eyes>". And I don't realize it is a problem until I see this look of disgust on her face. I can't seem to undo it until after a major talk.

 

I guess that is one of the problems, there is no middle gournd we go from hunky dorry , to semi-major problem. After our last argument I asked her to help me find out why tings upset her sometimes. Iasked her to tell me when I say something bad, not to let it reach the boiling point, to tell me "hey, what you said makes me feel bad". But in the past it wouldn't be this way, she would simply assume that I am being mean or vindictive. And that's the part that hurt me most that my loving fiance whom I adore would assume that what I said was mean. I wish she could take it as a joke, or even if it sounded mean say something like "did mr. grumpy get up on the wrong side of the bed <jokingly>." I would love a comment like that rather than assume I am out to get her and have it blow up. She takes some of the things I say WAY WAY to seriously.

 

97% of the time things are great and I can say anything and be as close as any other couple out there, but in the last couple months the 'fuze' gets lit and I don't know why. The things I say should really not offend.

 

I gave her an example of how I handle it differently. I have Fridays off work. Since I wake up at 6:30 AM by the time Friday rolls around I sleep in to about 11:30. She called at lunch while with her girlfriend and asked what was I doing? I said I slept in and had lunch and was checking e-mail. She says jokingly "k, just making sure your vacuuming the house and cleaning the kitchen" and I hear her girlfriend chuckle in the background. I laugh it off and it was a no issue. Had the roles been reveresed and I called her while out with the guys and said that, I KNOWit would have been possibly the biggest fight we ever had. She doesn't take jokes well, she takes them as personal attacks. I guess one thing I am learning, even by writing here is that I am a very jokey guy, I love humor and she does not mesh well with humor. She takes many of the jokes as if they were litteral. Hmm. I might be on to something. Thoughts?

[Debster]

It does sound like you have tried to be sensitive to her feelings. It might not be what you are saying that is the issue. Could something else be upsetting her?

[thecake]

Well, we never really argued before we got married...I got married in my early 20's and he was a few years older than me and pretty set in his ways...he required a lot of space...we rarely spent the whole night together...he was a very picky eater...very stingy with money...etc. Granted I probably wasn't mature enough to look at some things as red flags until after we were married...he was very controlling about money, what I bought as far as clothes, food, etc. It was hard for him to sleep in the same bed with someone so he would put a big pillow in between us. Also, he just picked at me in general...took everything I said out of context and made it into an argument. He was also very disrespectful of my feelings...not supportive in certain area's.

 

Needless to say, I grew up fast and realized I wasn't going to allow anyone to treat me like that. I worked at it...we went to counseling and the counselor basically told me to get out of that marriage as soon as possible.

 

His mother told me once not to let him break my spirit and he almost did. My ex told me after we got divorced that he used to purposely try to "burst my bubble" because he thought I would get excited over stupid things...but it just doesn't take much to make me happy. Who wants to be with someone who irritates them?

 

I just think that everyone should understand that problems that are occurring before a marriage usually end up getting worse. It sounds to me like "Verymuchinlove" deals with things in a humorous way and she tries to burst his bubble by taking things the wrong way....kind of like how my ex would treat me.

[Verymuchinlove]

Originally posted by Debster

It does sound like you have tried to be sensitive to her feelings. It might not be what you are saying that is the issue. Could something else be upsetting her?

 

One thing that I know is different between she and I is she is a bigtime worrier. She tells me she is scared and needs my reassurance, which I am more than hapy to provide. When we have deep talks it makes her happy, and we do have them fairly often. She is scared of many things, death for example. She realy likes that I am religious and she wants me to help her gain the faith that I have, because death does not really scare me. That is somethig that has brought us pretty close (religion). She's worried about safety at home (so we have a full fledged burglar alarm, motion detectors outside, etc. but she stll worries. She is scared of her own shadow. So being a fearful person by nature, I really don't think she fears the relationship, but maybe she is neggative by nature and if she sees something that could be construed as 'bad', she'll take it that way, where most people would not assume so. That could be it. Maybe I need to reassure her very often, just to releive her fears, to disarm her from thinking of negatively. Could that be it?

[Verymuchinlove]

Originally posted by jmargel

Verymuch,

 

I'm not sure what kind of condition you are in, but if you were a little overweight and she said 'Oh, that shirt makes you look like you have man-boobs', how would you feel? Probably like you aren't good enough for her, and she is pointing fun.

 

It's not funny when the joke is at your fianacee's expense. Guys do say stupid things, without it having much meaning to them, but to a woman it's totally different. Wedding plans are very stressful, me & my fiancee are going through that ourselves. And it's natural to analyze the other, when these little things happen. In that, she may think 'Do I have to put up with these put-downs the rest of my life?'. I'm sure you didn't say these kind of things before the engagement. Don't get so comfortable with her that you take her for granted. Before you say something that you think might be funny for you, wait about 30 seconds and think.. If it's going to be at her expense, then don't do it.

 

Good advice. Maybe I feel too comfortable and feel like she can't possibly take anything I say as bad (which is obviously not the case). I do feel different after the engagment, I feel closer, but that closeness may be taken differetn between she and I. I can try and think a little more before say something, sort of like when we were dating. In my case, getting closer mayb not be a good thing and I may have to ease my way in to my humorous nature very slowly.

 

And just a FYI (for all)... the food example was only an example. I could be talking about how I noticed her car had some problem and she might insunuate that I am making fun of her driving. I just never know.

[Verymuchinlove]

One other note to add to the "she worries a lot" is she'll ask me if "I'm ok" or "if I'm mad" when I'm not and have no reason to be. After she asks that she'll be on the defensive sometimes. Maybe I'm showing signs of beinh upset without realizing it? I am open and want to fix whatever the problem is. She ask it a lot, like is she was out for a few hours and comes home. If I don't give her the baby talk way of saying I'm ok she'll assume I'm not. It's hard to do the babaytalk way of saying it ALL THE TIME. LOL I wonder what all of you are picturing in your heads right now.

[Fritz]

I'm sorry but thats just being over sensitive. Perhaps she's stressed lately (makes sense) but I mean come on.. I've had my family and others say that "someones sure hungry" line to me lots of times and hell, I'm overweight. Its just a joke for pete's sake.

[Jacksin]

With her insecurity and your walking on egg shells I would definitely put the wedding off until you have both (or at least you) have examined if you want to be in a relationship that you never know when its going to turn to arguing at the virtual drop of a hat.

Thats no way to live, irregardless of how you feel to one another, I cant see this marriage lasting more than a couple of years at tops, with the current carry-on

 

Jack

[moimeme]

she would simply assume that I am being mean or vindictive. And that's the part that hurt me most that my loving fiance whom I adore would assume that what I said was mean

 

Exactly my point. If she's willing to marry you, then she should, by now, believe that you love her and would not hurt her. Instead, she regards you as an enemy; things you say are treated with suspicion.

 

Now, you're also saying that

 

She doesn't take jokes well, she takes them as personal attacks. I guess one thing I am learning, even by writing here is that I am a very jokey guy, I love humor and she does not mesh well with humor. She takes many of the jokes as if they were litteral.

 

There are people who actually do not ever 'get' jokes. Many of them have disorders, in fact. I'm finding it hard to tell whether she *always* takes jokes wrong or if it's just lately. If she always does, you have trouble. It's hard to be a lighthearted person and live with someone who is a pessimist, a worrier, and who can't get your jokes. You'll end up depressed living with such a bundle of negative energy!

[jmargel]

I disagree moimoi. I highly doubt she looks at him as the enemy. Perhaps she had a bad past relationship so she is insecure. I'm getting over that myself, due to an ex-fiancee. My fiancee now is coping with the problem I have.

 

It's apparent she reads into alot of things and analyzes them. It's because she loves him so much. When she asks if you are 'Ok', and you answer with a straight, mono-tone voice then she's going to pick it up as 'Something is wrong and he doesn't want to tell me'.

 

Apparently she knows she has this problem, since she told you she needs reassurance. It's not because she is mentally unstable or anything like that. It's not because she can't take a joke. It's because something has happened in her past which affects her today. It's easy to say, 'Get over it, it's a joke', but to that person who is experiencing anxiety or insecurity it's a pretty difficult task.

 

If you had a hard time dealing with something, I'm sure she would be very accomidating to you. You need to do this for her as well. Accept this as a part of her, that in time it will heal itself. But for now she needs you to be understanding. Being stubborn on this will push her away.

 

I don't think you have to re-evaluate if you want to get married now. Sounds like the issue isn't a very big one, but it can be if not treated with care. Show her your love, don't be too critical of her, give her the confidence she needs in this relationship.

[Verymuchinlove]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

Thanks for the kind words and the (no pun) reassurance. After some input on these boards yesterday I put into use some of these ideas and basically tried this:

 

-Don't make jokes that involve her.

-Reassure more often

-After anything that could be taken as a negative, instead of just sitting on it like I often could/do, I get over it and tell her I'm ok and just go to the next topic and be happy(show possitiveness).

 

There was one point yesterday where a minor situaton happened and it turned out just fine because I didn't let the minor thing show it bothering me. In turn she looked at the situation unsure for only a few seconds and then was fine because of my strength.

 

jmargel, I think you are more right than you know. My fiance did say there was a previous experience, and I think it was an ex-fiance that either said something to her, or she was in a bad situation for too long. So she has some issues regarding that, that is probably the root of the problem. I am way more than willing to work with her on this and adapt slightly to make her more confortable. I'll post here time to time to let you know how it is going. Thanks for everyones input. Cheers.