'Choosing' to feel miserable or happy

[Ross MwcFan]

This ****ing annoys me. So often I hear people who say 'You are choosing to be miserable' like it's a choice, like you can just think ' I choose to be happy' and then magically you'll feel happy.

 

No one wakes up in the morning and thinks 'You know what, I'm going to always feel miserable'.

 

Sure, people may not take the steps to make themselves happy/stop themselves from feeling miserable (because of thinking it's too hard/not having the belief it will happen/whatever), or maybe they are taking the steps and it's not working, but that's not the same as actually deciding 'I'm going to be miserable'

 

I just find it insulting when people say I or anyone else are 'choosing' to be miserable, or that we can just magically 'choose' to be happy.

[CopingGal]

Sometimes being happy takes a lot of work. I suffer from depression. I am on medication. But it's not a miracle pill, I still get depressed. But without the pills, my depression is much, much worse.

 

I guess there are times I choose to be miserable. If something bad happens to me, I know I will be better if I do certain things like journal, exercise, and do things I like...but sometimes I feel so down, I do nothing and just let the depression come.

 

Do you have a problem with depression?

[Philosoraptor]

Everyone gets down and I really doubt anyone chooses to be miserable.

 

The choice comes down to whether to accept misery or not.

[Ross MwcFan]

Sometimes being happy takes a lot of work. I suffer from depression. I am on medication. But it's not a miracle pill, I still get depressed. But without the pills, my depression is much, much worse.

 

I guess there are times I choose to be miserable. If something bad happens to me, I know I will be better if I do certain things like journal, exercise, and do things I like...but sometimes I feel so down, I do nothing and just let the depression come.

 

So do I, usually I'll just curl up on my bed and isolate myself, I find it to be like grieving, it helps me get over it. I have tried to fight it, and to force myself to feel happy, but that actually makes me feel worse.

 

Do you have a problem with depression?

 

Yeah, I rarely feel that genuinley happy inside, and the smallest of things can make me come crashing down.

[aiyam]

Sometimes, I do. But I try to think positively. And I usually talk myself out of being sad. That nothing good will come out of staying sad, and doing nothing. But I am also a nurse, depression is also due to dopamine/endorphins, so you should continue taking your medications. That in time, will help you to get to do the activities you know will help you, but feel not doing so. Usually the medicine kicks in its effect 2-3 weeks. Talk to people you are comfortable with. I hope you get better.

[Ross MwcFan]

Everyone gets down and I really doubt anyone chooses to be miserable.

 

The choice comes down to whether to accept misery or not.

 

I think I accept it, because I've not found a way to fully beat it.

[Ross MwcFan]

Sometimes, I do. But I try to think positively. And I usually talk myself out of being sad. That nothing good will come out of staying sad, and doing nothing. But I am also a nurse, depression is also due to dopamine/endorphins, so you should continue taking your medications. That in time, will help you to get to do the activities you know will help you, but feel not doing so. Usually the medicine kicks in its effect 2-3 weeks. Talk to people you are comfortable with. I hope you get better.

 

Thanks. I've been on meds for around 6 years though.

[aiyam]

Thanks. I've been on meds for around 6 years though.

 

Have you talked to your doctor about it?

[pteromom]

It's not about CHOOSING to be happy or miserable. It is about the way you look at things.

 

I am an optimistic person because I choose to focus on what I have rather than what I don't have (because nobody has EVERYTHING they want) and because I make an effort to find the silver lining in bad situations.

 

So someone who is miserable isn't saying "Yes, I think I'll sit around being sad." But they are choosing to think about everything that is wrong with their life, rather than choosing to be grateful for what they do have (or alternately, getting up off the couch and changing what they don't like.)

 

Of course, if someone is clinically depressed, that's different. And if you think you may actually be depressed, you need to see someone for help.

[Ross MwcFan]

Have you talked to your doctor about it?

 

I have. He's against me trying any other meds, and has suggested things like going to 'groups', I went to one, but it didn't help.

[Ross MwcFan]

It's not about CHOOSING to be happy or miserable. It is about the way you look at things.

 

I am an optimistic person because I choose to focus on what I have rather than what I don't have (because nobody has EVERYTHING they want) and because I make an effort to find the silver lining in bad situations.

 

So someone who is miserable isn't saying "Yes, I think I'll sit around being sad." But they are choosing to think about everything that is wrong with their life, rather than choosing to be grateful for what they do have (or alternately, getting up off the couch and changing what they don't like.)

 

Of course, if someone is clinically depressed, that's different. And if you think you may actually be depressed, you need to see someone for help.

 

I do try to focus on what is right with my life, and to try and not focus on what I don't have (like not having a woman/not being able to attract a woman, etc).

 

And today, I have actually been feeling quite good, because I've been feeling so lucky, and so much better off, that I don't have kids, when most people my age do. I would feel so much worse if I had kids.

 

I've got so much more freedom, and money than a lot of other people my age.

[pteromom]

Very true. And you are articulate and able to communicate well. And you are nice looking. And you are healthy and have your sight, your hearing, and all your limbs. Your body functions.

 

Keep working on focusing on the positive. And whenever you say something negative to yourself, try to replace it with something positive.

 

And if you find yourself sitting around wallowing, make yourself get up and go do something constructive or go for a walk.

 

If you start working on changing how you think, I think a lot of things will start changing in your life (for the better)

[Ross MwcFan]

Very true. And you are articulate and able to communicate well. And you are nice looking. And you are healthy and have your sight, your hearing, and all your limbs. Your body functions.

 

Keep working on focusing on the positive. And whenever you say something negative to yourself, try to replace it with something positive.

 

And if you find yourself sitting around wallowing, make yourself get up and go do something constructive or go for a walk.

 

If you start working on changing how you think, I think a lot of things will start changing in your life (for the better)

 

Thanks for liking my post pteromom.

 

I'm not sure about the nice looking thing, sometimes I think I look really great, other times I think I look/feel really ugly.

 

My sight and hearing isn't the best either. I have to wear glasses/contact lenses. And my ears are blocked up too.

[pteromom]

Thanks for liking my post pteromom.

 

I'm not sure about the nice looking thing, sometimes I think I look really great, other times I think I look/feel really ugly.

 

My sight and hearing isn't the best either. I have to wear glasses/contact lenses. And my ears are blocked up too.

 

LOL! I know - but that's just your own insecurities and has nothing to do with reality. When you are inspecting yourself in the mirror thinking you are ugly, you have to realize that other people simply don't look that closely.

 

If I inspect myself in the mirror, I see wrinkles and pores and under-eye circles and think "Holy cow, I am a hag!" but then I see pictures of myself, and can see that I am cute and happy looking and that there's nothing wrong with me.

 

Having contacts doesn't mean you can't see. It means you need assistance to see well. So does probably 40% of the rest of us humans. (I had Lasik so I am no longer among you.)

 

And if your ears are blocked, get 'em cleaned out. You still have your hearing.

 

But see what you did? Rather than say "Hey, she's right", you found something negative to say about everything I told you. You gotta work on stopping yourself from doing that. It's self-defeating.

[Ross MwcFan]

LOL! I know - but that's just your own insecurities and has nothing to do with reality. When you are inspecting yourself in the mirror thinking you are ugly, you have to realize that other people simply don't look that closely.

 

If I inspect myself in the mirror, I see wrinkles and pores and under-eye circles and think "Holy cow, I am a hag!" but then I see pictures of myself, and can see that I am cute and happy looking and that there's nothing wrong with me.

 

Having contacts doesn't mean you can't see. It means you need assistance to see well. So does probably 40% of the rest of us humans. (I had Lasik so I am no longer among you.)

 

And if your ears are blocked, get 'em cleaned out. You still have your hearing.

 

But see what you did? Rather than say "Hey, she's right", you found something negative to say about everything I told you. You gotta work on stopping yourself from doing that. It's self-defeating.

 

Yeah but for me, it's not about scrutinising my face. I can just look at it in the mirror/on photo/on video, and instantly really think/see that, I don't look like the type of guy any woman would go for.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[pteromom]

Yeah but for me, it's not about scrutinising my face. I can just look at it in the mirror/on photo/on video, and instantly really think/see that, I don't look like the type of guy any woman would go for.

 

And you did it again.

 

Me = complimenting you and explaining why your negativity was wrong.

You = insulting yourself again.

 

You simply don't know what ANY WOMAN would go for. Every woman is different, and every woman is attracted to different things. There are some characteristics that may give a guy a larger pool of women to choose from (looks, height, money, etc) but that doesn't mean that guys who don't possess those qualities can't get ANY WOMAN. I have known some pretty unattractive men who have ended up with great women.

 

There are plenty of girls who have a THING for redheads, for example. They would be attracted to you simply for that one reason without you doing anything further.

 

You gotta quit being so hard on yourself, and QUIT TALKING TO YOURSELF NEGATIVELY.

[CopingGal]

So do I, usually I'll just curl up on my bed and isolate myself, I find it to be like grieving, it helps me get over it. I have tried to fight it, and to force myself to feel happy, but that actually makes me feel worse.

 

 

 

Yeah, I rarely feel that genuinley happy inside, and the smallest of things can make me come crashing down.

 

 

There's a condition called Dysthymia. It's normally a low grade depression that lasts a very long time, even years. Whereas Major Depressive Disorder comes in spurts, but the person gets intensely, intensely depressed.

 

I have dysthymia. I laugh a lot. I smile a lot because it is within me, but the blusiness is very close to the surface and when things happen like a break up, I go way down...but not as far as I used to without meds.

[CopingGal]

Thanks. I've been on meds for around 6 years though.

 

 

Lexapro works very well. I know someone on Prosac. It doesn't seem to work as well.

[CopingGal]

I've got no job except my volunteer jobs. I got no boyfriend, no place of my own, no money, etc. When I look at my life sometimes I get really down. But I'm in the process of going to school, so that helps. But I'm in my late 40's...no kids, no husband. Sometimes it hurts.

[johan]

Actually, I believe in many, maybe the majority, of cases people who are depressed, isolated, lonely, or miserable in some way are perfectly able to escape their condition. They are more able than even they realize. But to take action and make change and adopt a new way of life takes courage.

 

While it doesn't feel good to be sad and lonely, there is security and routine in that kind of life that feels safe compared to shedding those feelings and emerging out into the world. Once you do that, there is no longer any excuse for not doing what it takes to achieve the life you claim you want to live.

 

So it really can be a rational choice to live in a depressed state.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I absolutely agree with what Johan said.

 

If you think of a law of physics that says "a body in motion remains in motion" - if you are used to a long standing situation of loneliness and misery, it's easier to stay that way. The same applies to bad long term relationships - it's actually easier to stay.

 

I have been there and now that I'm single it scares me how comfortable I can get with my own melancholy.

 

Changing your life entails going through a period of discomfort and unease, a period which will seem worse than simply accepting that you are depressed and miserable. But if you have the courage to endure that period, well anything is possible.

[d'Arthez]

I am not exactly the most optimistic person myself. And I do catch myself from time to time talking myself down. But one must never get complacent with life. Never get comfortable with such self-evaluations.

 

The trick is to break the cycle. Do something. Just about anything - even with walking for 30 minutes a day, you can alleviate depression and a depressed mind quite substantially.

 

Life, like the mind is dynamic. It is only once we come to a standstill that we are really starting to suffer. Doing something to beat that feeling will only get you so far - once life has become a routine again, you end up in the same spot again. And because you are feeling down, you are quite likely to even give up on doing the things that you started doing. That is why you have to keep expanding your horizons.

 

Ross, stop making excuses as to why others should not like you. As difficult as it is to make the first step, do something to get out there, and do thing you enjoy, and work on the aspects of your life (the things you do / do not do) that need improvement in your mind. Start with small steps, and once you have the confidence rolling, it will be easier to make the big steps.

[Ross MwcFan]

I've got no job except my volunteer jobs. I got no boyfriend, no place of my own, no money, etc. When I look at my life sometimes I get really down. But I'm in the process of going to school, so that helps. But I'm in my late 40's...no kids, no husband. Sometimes it hurts.

 

Sorry to hear that, CG.

[Ross MwcFan]

I am not exactly the most optimistic person myself. And I do catch myself from time to time talking myself down. But one must never get complacent with life. Never get comfortable with such self-evaluations.

 

The trick is to break the cycle. Do something. Just about anything - even with walking for 30 minutes a day, you can alleviate depression and a depressed mind quite substantially.

 

Life, like the mind is dynamic. It is only once we come to a standstill that we are really starting to suffer. Doing something to beat that feeling will only get you so far - once life has become a routine again, you end up in the same spot again. And because you are feeling down, you are quite likely to even give up on doing the things that you started doing. That is why you have to keep expanding your horizons.

 

Ross, stop making excuses as to why others should not like you. As difficult as it is to make the first step, do something to get out there, and do thing you enjoy, and work on the aspects of your life (the things you do / do not do) that need improvement in your mind. Start with small steps, and once you have the confidence rolling, it will be easier to make the big steps.

 

I'm not sure what you mean. At least where I used to live, I wasn't liked by a lot, if not most people, and I was met with a lot of hostility and rudeness. I'm worried that when I get out into the world where I'm living now, that it'll be the same. Not that I'm going to let it stop me from getting out into the world.

[d'Arthez]

I'm not sure what you mean. At least where I used to live, I wasn't liked by a lot, if not most people, and I was met with a lot of hostility and rudeness.

Remember, unless you behaved like a hoodlum (and you really don't strike me as the type), such behaviour towards you is more telling of them than of you.

 

I'm worried that when I get out into the world where I'm living now, that it'll be the same. Not that I'm going to let it stop me from getting out into the world.

It is natural to be a bit fearful, but as long as you don't let that stop you, you will be fine.