After cheating my boyfriend is not attracted to me any more

[ECBJCM]

New here and hoping for some valid adivice from experienced people.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years now . Two years ago i cheated on him, more of in an affair manner. Biggest mistake of my life and i regret it fully. After him findidng out all ties were cut and he decided to stay to my shock. Things have been rocky ever since. He stayed faithfull to me for about 6 months and broke up with me briefly for 2 months or so and we got back together. mind you we live together so had to move out and do the whole nine yards. We got back together to work things out. In the two months that we were broken up he rekindeled with an ex. When we got back together i assumed his relations with her ended. I was wrong. They continued for over a year without my knowledge. Everytime i would suspect something or find something out he would deny it or if he was flat out caught he would apologize and promise to end it. I stayed because i love him and felt guilty for myself cheating on him and assumed that maybe since he cheated in revenge that he would get over my cheating. I was wrong. My boyfriend re-established feelings for his ex and lived a double life up until recently (4 months ago when i found out that i am pregnant). The thought of him giving love and affection to another women kills me, especially her for reasons i do not need to get into. For the last year my boyfriend sex drive has decreased dramatically we went from everyday to 4 times a week to once a week to twice a month and now im lucky if i get anything once every two months. I am a very sexual person and crave affection from him, i need it if you will. Sex before me cheating was mind blowing.(and for those who are going to say to spice it up in the bedroom, no need to we are already wild and have done most everything). Now sex is okay and he barely gets off half of the time. Im not into it either anymore i mean how can i be? I dont feel sexy or wanted or special or anything. i feel almost as if he is having sex with me because he has to and it is clear that he is not into it either. Its depressing. I know that it is not the case that he does not love me any longer or that i am pregnant that would never bother him he ahs even told me that he is just not attracted to me any longer and hasnt been since he found out that i cheated on him (mind you two years ago...). Immediatly after finding out sex was still good, it only decreased since we got back together after he cheated on me. Its almost as if the more sex he had with other women the less attracted to me he became . I am a very pretty girl and get compliments all of the time and hit on as well so i know that i am attractive to other people but i just want some attraction back from him. Among all of this other crap going on in our lives, last week i found emails through his phone from personal ads on craigslist and texts from other girls with flirtations. I could not believe my eyes when finding this out especially since a baby is on the way. Reading the way that he talks to other girls hursts my feelings SO much, calling the beautiful and goodlooking and pretending he is single and sending them pictures of himself. I confronted him on the issue and he said that he had no intentions on ever meeting or following through with the girls. He insisted that it is a sort of fantasy life so that he can get attention from other girls. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK! With all this being said my boyfriend whom i adore and crave no longer finds me attractive and i cant stand it any longer it makes me depressed and feeling empty. I am lost without his affection and i do not want it from anyone else just him. what is a girl to do!?

[ECBJCM]

oh and i forgot to mention that i am 26 and him 29, if this matters.

[pteromom]

You cheated on him, so how he viewed you changed. It's hard to get that back.

 

THAT SAID, his actions aren't a model of integrity either. It sounds like he is actively looking for sex from other women.

 

FYI, when a woman is pregnant or has a new baby is one of the most common times for a guy to cheat, so a baby doesn't make it more implausible.

[pteromom]

I am lost without his affection

 

And - no you aren't. Quit being dramatic with yourself.

 

See what happens next and react accordingly.

 

No matter what comes, you will be ok. Not lost.

[firemanq]

Is basic English and writing skills no longer taught in schools?

[dasein]

He is very obviously and cruelly punishing you for the past. No matter your cheating in the past, that's not OK. You should consider walking from this relationship and raising the child yourself. This is not a healthy environment in which to raise a child. Good luck.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ah, so now that you're having a crappy relationship you've decided to get bring a child into this world? please tell me you were at least on birth control (lie to me at least like the others), or at least the rationale in that...is just "that time"?

 

Why in the world would you bring that upon this relationship is really the bigger question that I have...I don't get the mentality here, how do you expect things to get better? maybe he'll be more invested, dedicated and faithful? maybe to the child not to you.

 

The situation appears to be that IF you were the first to cheat on him and yet regardless he stayed after finding out (which makes me wonder how he found out) then from that point on you can pretty much guarantee that things in the relationship will change forever...and why wouldn't they? you said that you were having an amazing sex life before and you to a degree have to be emotionally sound to accomplish that in the relationship or at least really avoid at ignoring the issues, so what caused you to cheat in the first place? (I'm just asking, I don't want to know, just trying to show you how this picture is coming together from your words)

 

I think now since then he's lost respect for you, not attraction. He's lost the respect for you as someone he trusted in a relationship due to your cheating, now that the gloves are off so to speak It's not like things are going to go backwards and to the way things were before, before you had cheated and scarred him. It would scar anyone and they would be constantly reminded of what you have done thanks to their own memories and emotions.

 

But now he's clearly at least to some degree given up on you, and seeing that you both appear trapped in the relationship because of your living situation it appears that It's the only thing he can do, plus why would he feel bad IF you cheated on him already? I'm sure that every time he cheats he is thinking in the back of his head that this is in a way getting back at you...at least for himself, because of the betrayal...you basically told him by cheating that he wasn't good enough...now he goes around building his ego pulling in the whores to feel like a confident man again and he reverts back tot he safe zone...his ex gf for reassurance and something he was sure about.

 

All of his actions appear to be triggered from the time he found out what you have done...he's just acting out in all the unhealthy ways a man could to address them within himself. Does this make you forever guilty and him excluded from "cheating"? If it was an eye for an eye then he'd already be waaay past that statement...so this is obviously an emotional thing he cannot get past. He is still responsible for his cheating and what he has done beyond that point...he's just basically took that and ran with it.

 

You guys should really seek counseling because the issues you two have appear to run deep, a wise person would have gotten out of this relationship already but you appear to enjoy abusing each other then glazing over it and calling it "love"...is this what you think love is? hurting each other? acting immature and beating up on each other and emotionally distancing yourself away? It's not...and the "love" stopped when you cheated, because he pulled away when he found and likely never gave anymore beyond that point...so whatever it is you two have now that you've created is just a mess. Both of you would need to a do a lot of self healing, repair and work to make this ever work again...even IF you did have some kind of love to begin with...this doesn't seem like love to me...it seems like convenience, no other options, laziness, and immaturity...no one is being the adult here and really saying "whoa, wtf is going on here? this isn't the kind of relationship or person that I am or want to be"...instead it's filled with the ignorant hopes and dreams/faith in that magically someday things will get better...on their own....well guess what? they just usually get worse..90 percent of the time if not more.

 

Imo you guys both need to grow up, especially him at 29...figure out a way to separate and move on from this place/rut that you are in, which would take a lot of work as I mentioned...then maybe..If by chance...which I doubt, that you'd want to be together again...you'd be coming from a completely different place emotionally, mentally and maturity wise..because eventually you're both going to realize the stupid games you've been playing with each other were a waste of each others time and wasn't all that loving....but you'll only see that in retrospect, right now it's just drama, drama that you call love so you can keep fighting for it.

 

Now that you're with child in belly, I'm sure you're just as easily and more likely to have an even more dysfunctional relationship. Sure, maybe for a little while things will be ok when the baby is born...but chances are things will revert back to the way they are now and get worse, and then who knows If he'll even want to be with you in the end afterall, especially once he falls "in love" with one of these random women he's banging. But IF you don't at least try to communicate and get over these issues like grown-ups, then of course you're going to go around in circles, you're both avoiding serious relationship topics and issues, and If you can't compromise and communicate then what kind of relationship do you think you're really going to have? not to mention the trust is absolutely destroyed.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Maybe he was cheating all along and he used your situation as an excuse to continue his doings. Also, could be he's not attracted because you are expecting---some fellows are afraid they will hurt a woman/baby during relations. I personally think he is using your fling as an excuse to do what it is he's doing---and was he even ready to have a family/was it something you guys discussed/planned? It doesn't sound like he will want to stick around; he is probably using his ex, too. And he's all over Craigslist, etc.? Not sure why you would want to stay with him after all of this.

[WonderKid]

When I was cheated on and told details about it my view of my gf definitely changed I can't lie. I saw her just as a common slut. So I treated her that way. Cruel, but I didn't cheat she did. Honestly, she could've patched things up if she would've confided more feelings and showed me she cared and was sorry, and not just say it.

 

My advice is leave the relationship alone. Too much cheating has been done. And if you don't resolve the conflicts before you guys ever decide to get together, whenever you do argue, all the cheating and lies will come to flames.

[wheream_i]

Is basic English and writing skills no longer taught in schools?

 

No sh*t, huh?

[wheream_i]

OP, was it necessary to stick the little "lovestruck" emoticon in right after you said y'all had been together for four years then immediately following that, state that you cheated on him?

[WonderKid]

^^^ She was happy

[Joaquin]

It's a very toxic relationship you guys have cooked up here.

 

The guy was emotionally gone from you after he found out you cheated. Any other attraction went with this.

 

Still you both push on and in the following years enable cheating, lying, manipulation and all manner of emotional abuse.

 

It's like you guys are just addicted to the drama and aren't able to see it for what it is and let go.

 

I think youd have to be very damaged to see any long term potential in this.

 

Now a baby. Great job. Congratulations.

Edited June 2, 2012 by Joaquin

[samsungxoxo]

Why do some people complicate themselves??? I may never know.

[stillafool]

When I was cheated on and told details about it my view of my gf definitely changed I can't lie. I saw her just as a common slut. So I treated her that way. Cruel, but I didn't cheat she did. Honestly, she could've patched things up if she would've confided more feelings and showed me she cared and was sorry, and not just say it.

 

My advice is leave the relationship alone. Too much cheating has been done. And if you don't resolve the conflicts before you guys ever decide to get together, whenever you do argue, all the cheating and lies will come to flames.

 

I have to agree with this. He has lost all respect for you. He probably still loves you but is definitely not in love with you anymore. He desires someone he can put on a pedestal and you will probably never regain that position again. I feel sorry that a little baby is being brought into this situation. He may only be staying with you at this point because of the baby. Do you want to marry one day? If so, maybe you should leave this relationship and move on because I don't see your bf wanting to marry you. Don't waste the rest of your 20's waiting for him to want you.

Edited June 2, 2012 by stillafool

[Joaquin]

It may reduce your day to day excitement but in your next relationship it would pay to remember that healthy boundaries, like being honest, not f###ing other men and not accepting that kinda thing from a partner, exist for the good of the relationship.

Edited June 2, 2012 by Joaquin

[nofool4u]

With all this being said my boyfriend whom i adore and crave no longer finds me attractive and i cant stand it any longer it makes me depressed and feeling empty. I am lost without his affection and i do not want it from anyone else just him. what is a girl to do!?

 

What's a girl to do? Not cheat. You screwed up. Cheating makes even the most attractive people unattractive.

 

I think you two need to break up so he can find someone that won't cheat on him and that will respect him, and you then can move on, learn your lesson, and not cheat on any future sig. others.

[nofool4u]

You cheated on him, so how he viewed you changed. It's hard to get that back.

 

THAT SAID, his actions aren't a model of integrity either. It sounds like he is actively looking for sex from other women.

 

And really, I don't blame him, except he needs to break up first. If he cheats, he becomes no better, and will have as part of his character no other decent girl should want.