Controlling, manipulating, codependent parents.

[Cowmanure]

I'm 30 years old. The last phone call I got from my mother was approximately 10 minutes long. It consisted of nonsense about her day and her asking me if I had forgotten about her.

 

Moved away from home at 23. I couldn't see the forest from the trees at the time. I knew I needed to "grow up" and I couldn't figure out why it wasn't happening at home. Well the more I grow up, the more I see how childish and needy she is. I have alot of anger and resentment for her. She "loves" me so much but she has never had an open and real honest conversation with me unless it was to open up to me about her marriage problems with my dad. By the way, my dad is the lesser of two evils. I can actually talk to him despite his issues.

 

I was the middle child so needless to say I got lots of love, but when sis came along, all the attention went zooming to her. I became a second class citizen in my own home. I've heard my mom say that all she ever wanted was a girl.

 

My struggle now is, I'm a grown up, I have my own life and yet I'm still expected to emotionally caretake for my mom. I'm having none of it, but I still get the random guilt call. I can't have a real conversation with her, she's not capable of it. Soon as I'd start "So you don't love us anymore huh?" and the truth is, I don't feel any love for her. Can anyone else relate to this bull ****?

[ohkaymy]

I registered specifically to reply as I can relate very strongly to this.

 

I used to get beaten up badly, on the slightest of 'mistakes' as a child. As a result, I grew up hating my mom. The part of the world I grew up in, the notion that you can move away from your parents just for the sake of your personal growth, is simply not present. I felt hated and trapped, my life was in a rut. Yet i somehow grew.

 

I was good at studies and therefore found myself admitted to a very good international institute in London.

 

The four years that I spent here, has profoundly shaped my personality. I am more compassionate, more kind and considerate. Having spent such a gloomy childhood, thanks to my mom, it is natural that I used to reflect very frequently on my past. During my childhood, I did not have the audacity or the intelligence to question why am I being beaten. It was simply accepted as my 'fate' as I was one of the 'naughty' ones. But this changed as I spent my time here. For the first time I found myself questioning my mom's despicable behaviour. How could a mom do this to her child? How could she favour one child over another (she loved and still loves my other sibling, but not me).

 

With these questions my contempt grew and I did give my mom a few mouthfuls over the phone. She never accepted her mistake.

 

So far so good? I hated my mom, she hated me back. But I was free of her shackles at last, as I was old enough to defend myself against her aggression.

 

But towards the end of my third year at college, the questions that I had regarding my mom's behaviour were so deeply rooted in my conscience, that these seemingly unanswerable questions started producing some answers. I was uncomfortable, as I was not willing to give up hating my mom. Without whom, my life would have been so much better. But as I thought more, I understood more, and my misery about her started to subside.

 

She, used to have a bad time with her in-laws. That happened to be the time while I was young and under her care. While that doesn't justify her behaviour with me, but it certainly provides some insight into her feelings? This led me to pity her, and not despise.

 

As I thought about it more, I realised that she is suffering from depression. I pitied her even more.

 

She had a terrible upbringing, quite similar to how she brought me up. More pity.

 

Her husband (my father), never stood against his family in her support. She must have felt so lonely and helpless. That's more pity!

 

These insights and a whole lot more piled up to an extent that all I had left for my mom was simply pity, and no contempt.

 

I learned that while she might have treated me so badly, that might have simply occurred to her 'naturally'; her nature shaped by the circumstances that life threw at her. She wasn't fortunate enough to be born to a 'good' family, neither was she fortunate to have a good husband, or in-laws. All this shaped her personality and her world view.

 

It became immaterial to me how she behaved with me. Seeing the world from her shoes, completely changed my perspective. I stopped whining about my childhood, and started pitying her. To a point that I started being extremely compassionate towards her. Nothing in life has given me more satisfaction than giving my mom what she never had!

 

You'd be surprised that she loves me now, but doesn't say it. I can feel it. Maybe she was hungry for love, which I gave and which she returned.

 

Comparing my past with yours now: I think you are in a way better position! I never had love, you have it and she shows it! You left your house, but she wants you back!

 

I understand that as children, we felt trapped and unable to breath (who would know better than me), when our parents try to force their orders down our throats. But when we grow up, I think it is only fair, for the sake of rationality and compassion, that we try to at least 'understand' our parents. Try to see the world through their shoes. I am sure, once you do that, you'll have a different view.

 

The way one behaves is simply a result of the unique journey one travels through life. Trying to understand it provides perspective and clarity, which results in understanding and ultimately compassion.

 

My suggestion to your unique situation would be that you just try to see the world through your mom's shoes. You said she says "she loves you". Man, she loves you unconditionally! Try to understand why she says what she says? I know you still feel her sort of squeezing you with so much love, love that you don't want. But simply for the sake of compassion, there's an old woman, who needs nothing but for you to say back "I love you too".

 

If there's a random woman I encounter on a street, who says "Son, I love you, give me a hug". I think I would not hesitate one bit. She's your mom!

 

You even said, she had some trouble with your father. Maybe this will provide you with some insight into her feelings? Imagine her helplessness in this situation! The only reason why she talked gibberish to you on the phone was simply so that she can talk to you SOMETHING, ANYTHING. It did not matter to her what she was talking, as long as she was talking something to you.

 

I can't even imagine how much your cold response might have hurt her, and her unconditional love for you.

 

Here's a challenge. Think of her, as not your mom, but an old woman hungry for love. Drop by her house and give her a hug. This might not mean anything to you at all, but this will mean the world to her! She is older than you of course, would almost certainly would not live as long as you might. Think of her as dying woman, and go see her. Be compassionate to her.

 

Pity her.

[pink_sugar]

10 minutes? Man, that's nothing. When my dad calls, I expect at least an hour of his random nonsense. It usually consists of his dates of the week, how petite they are, how young they are, random asenine comments about my husband or my mom and just other random stuff. So when I don't feel like dealing with that, I ignore his calls. We are not obligated to our parents. Although my dad likes to make me feel that way because he thinks I owe him for raising me. He chose to have kids and when you choose to have kids you don't raise them expecting something in return. It's part of being a parent. My dad hasn't been very good to me, but he's gotten better, so I keep my contact with him minimal. I don't buy in to his guilt trips. I owe him nothing. Whenever he calls and doesn't leave message about why he's calling, I ignore those calls. If it's that important, he needs to state the nature of the call. I don't need to listen to a bunch of crap all the time. You're 30, you have your own life now. I'm 23, moved out at 18 and it's taken me some time to realize my life doesn't need to revolve around my parents. Let her leave a message, if it's not that important, you don't have to answer or call her back. She'll get the message eventually.

Edited June 3, 2012 by pink_sugar

[UpwardForward]

My poor mother can go on for hours. It's everything that's ever happened in her whole Life.

 

She "never had a childhood", began working very early - then married.

 

I've always been the adult in our relationship - since the beginning.

 

Unfortunately we're stuck w our parents for better or for worse.

 

And a note, for OP and those who are the 'middle child': I feel for you. I was an only child, but two close people in my life were the middle child. It really left a bad impression on them. Even hating and resenting their eldest sibling into their adulthood. Perhaps the middle child has the shortest period of nurchuring?