rosieisblue Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 If you read my other thread my MM and his wife hadn't filed. Well, she's signed and dropped off the papers and all the necessary paperwork and he's filing them next week! He's selling the family home and buying her and the kids a smaller, more affordable place. They're not thrilled but understand he can't afford to keep both his place and their old place, so that's going ahead. I am so excited and relieved it's all going forward! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 If you read my other thread my MM and his wife hadn't filed. Well, she's signed and dropped off the papers and all the necessary paperwork and he's filing them next week! He's selling the family home and buying her and the kids a smaller, more affordable place. They're not thrilled but understand he can't afford to keep both his place and their old place, so that's going ahead. I am so excited and relieved it's all going forward! Good luck Rosie. I hope things work out as you want them to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosieisblue Posted June 2, 2012 Author Share Posted June 2, 2012 Thanks for the good wishes. I don't know what will happen when we move in together. We're not really planning that right away, we're waiting for things to die down a bit with the kids and all. But they're getting a divorce! This is so great. No more will I feel like some bimbo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 If you read my other thread my MM and his wife hadn't filed. Well, she's signed and dropped off the papers and all the necessary paperwork and he's filing them next week! He's selling the family home and buying her and the kids a smaller, more affordable place. They're not thrilled but understand he can't afford to keep both his place and their old place, so that's going ahead. I am so excited and relieved it's all going forward! They're not thrilled? How about being uprooted? It seems you will now see what happiness is - at the expense of others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 Be patient, be understanding during this process and don't expect things to go so smoothly. This is a huge transition for all of them, especially the kids. There's going to be a lot of emotions and changes for them to get used to, so please, don't rush into living together. Take time to get to know eachother again in a new and healthier setting. The affair dynamic between you two has to disappear. He will need time to grieve the loss even though he filed, it still is a loss of their family unit as one. Don't push to meet his kids, in fact if possible, wait at least a year. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 I second WWIU's post. It is a major transition and even though this is best for all involved, STBXMM will still experience a "death". Now he may not recognise this, although even in bad marriges when divorce occurs it still needs to be grieved like WWIU stated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosieisblue Posted June 2, 2012 Author Share Posted June 2, 2012 Hey Rosie, I would suggest that you look out for yourself here and keep insisting on the counselling for both of you and particularly for him as his past history of repeated cheating is indicative of deep issues within him, not his wife, not his marriage but the greatest issues are within him. Unless he addresses it, as we all do, he will repeat the same pattern. I would suggest you do not move in with him and remain independent and more importantly I would suggest to not have any contact with kids at all for at least a year. Let them have time to heal from this trauma and realize that the best you can hope for is that of a friendly relationship with them far in the future for the older one especially. You would be wise to not trust this man until he has proved he is trustworthy and unless he addresses his demons, he will not change. Sorry to be debbie downer but I want you to take care of you. I don't think we'll do counseling. His wife suggested it when she wanted to meet to discuss the kids but MM went with her and didn't feel he got much out of it. We talk a lot and that seems to work. His younger child seems to be ok to meet me, but the older one still says no. I'm not sure when it's going to happen but no hurry. I trust him as he is with me whenever he's not with the kids. I see him every day, all day at work and even when he's traveling to and from work he texts me the whole time. He's ALWAYS in touch, constantly, so I have no worries that he's up to anything. I think the marriage was just bad and he wasn't getting what he wanted. He was really unhappy and he is happy now, with me. Cannot wait to see those papers filed! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 Rosie, WWIU gave me this advice when I was going through a similar situation. To this day I'll never forget it because I knew that to be true and she confirmed it. Granted, your situation may be a whole lot different in many areas than mine, although this is one of the areas that one size does fit all IMO. I am just happy we were able to remain friends because we almost killed each other...lol..(we quit smoking together too so maybe that had a little to do with it). Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 2, 2012 Share Posted June 2, 2012 Thanks for the good wishes. I don't know what will happen when we move in together. We're not really planning that right away, we're waiting for things to die down a bit with the kids and all. But they're getting a divorce! This is so great. No more will I feel like some bimbo. ((((((Rosie)))))), love, you weren't a bimbo in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Thanks for the good wishes. I don't know what will happen when we move in together. We're not really planning that right away, we're waiting for things to die down a bit with the kids and all. But they're getting a divorce! This is so great. No more will I feel like some bimbo. Would you please explain how his divorce and your feeling like a bimbo are correlated? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted June 3, 2012 Share Posted June 3, 2012 Good luck Rosie, and I wish his children and STXW all the best as well. Glad to hearya'll have decided to give the children time to adjust before moving in together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosieisblue Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Well, the past few weeks have been great. She gave him the divorce papers and he says he's filed. They're working out financial arrangements and they're selling the family home and she and the kids are moving to an apartment, which means much less financial stress for him, which is great. I met his younger son again the other day! I know you all say it shouldn't happen but he was taking his son to an amusement park and asked him if it was ok if I came along and his son said ok! So we spent hours together, just the three of us. I sort of hugged his son and we even sat together on a ride. I praised him for being brave on the scary rides and he was nice to me. He asked about a grey tooth I have and I told him all about the cavity I had and that I was getting it fixed and it was so much fun. His son was nice to me and it was awesome! I think we will slowly win over his older son, who hates me right now, now that his younger one is onboard. His wife has done some crazy stuff recently. She's been goig into the kid's FB accounts and posting some nutty stuff. Then she left a message for me that was 'from her son' that said nasty things about me but we know it's her. She's not taking this well but we hope that once the sale of the home goes through and she's in a new apartment and gets a job it will all settle down. He is completely done with her and she's completely done with him and after meeting his son and having a great day with the three of us I think we have a real future! We've done all day bike rides together, he's been hanging out with my friends, we have fun together and oh my god! I'm getting this man I love so much! I just wish his wife wouldn't keep giving him a hard time about what he did during their marriage. It's in the past, and we all need to look to the future. She wants me to be a stepmother but I*m happy to just be friends with the kids. I see no reason to be anything more than that right now. It's amazing that this happened. We are so happy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosieisblue Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 I should mention that she's being kind of horrible in the settlement, asking for basically everything, but he's fighting her and will get it to a managable point. She can't have everything, he needs to live and she will move to a better place than he has and he's paying for everything so hopefully she'll calm down and accept what she is due by law. She just won't let him off the hook for his cheating. She just hammars at him and it's making him so unhappy and angry. It's the past, she needs to move on. fingers crossed she gets a job and finds a man to take care of her! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 met his younger son again the other day! I know you all say it shouldn't happen but he was taking his son to an amusement park and asked him if it was ok if I came along and his son said ok! Wow he put his own kid on the spot. Geez, the ink isn't even dried yet, the process JUST started and he's asking his own son if it's OK to meet you? WTF is he thinking? Sorry that I'm reacting harshly it's just not cool and the timing is so wrong. He put his kid in a tough position, and the kid probably said OK so he wouldn't disappoint his father. Things could easily get hard and change, so don't hope for all to be excellent so quickly. The younger son can do a 180 so just because you feel he's onboard now doesn't mean he will be next week. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Wow Rosie the change and tone in your posts makes me think....well that's not important. I understand my wish for you to get reality wasn't well received, so Rosie all I can say is this. I really, really hope you get ALL that you deserve! And moreso I just bet you will! I'm intuitive that way! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 She's not taking this well but we hope that once the sale of the home goes through and she's in a new apartment and gets a job it will all settle down. She wants me to be a stepmother but I*m happy to just be friends with the kids. I see no reason to be anything more than that right now. ! She's not taking this well, and she wants YOU (the community marriage reorganizer) to be a stepmother of her precious children ??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Slight digression, but I hope that everyone here, especially rosieisblue, understand that filing is merely the first of a long series of steps required to negotiate and finalize a divorce. Filing just gets you a case number in the system and starts the clock for certain matters. In California, the form that is used to file for divorce (FL-100) is just an easy 2 pages: mostly names, addresses, a few dates, and about 7 "multiple choice" questions. Any one of us could fill it out in 20 minutes. Take a look here: http://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/fl100.pdf Most states will be similar. The only hard part is writing the check for $395 (the filing fee can be waived if you prove extreme financial hardship). Although the first filing is often called a divorce petition, it needs virtually no specifics. You don't need any income or expense statement, or anything else that takes time and looking up paperwork. Once again, it's a 20 minute job from start to finish. After filing, the filer needs to take many affirmative steps to move the dissolution along. Nothing happens automatically. If the filer does not push hard enought to reach a final judgment in a certain time (in California one is given 5 years), then the filing may expire and the process would have to be restarted. A fast divorce for a long-term marriage with children might take 18 months from filing to decree. A slow one, 5 years. Some, decades. Given how long a divorce takes, someone who really wants to be divorced should do the easy 20-minute form to start the process, when the decision is made. The party's lawyer will strongly advise it. Not 6 months later. I recommend that anyone in A or r/s fog, spend a morning in your local family law court, listening to the proceedings. They're not dramatic but they are educational. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I should mention that she's being kind of horrible in the settlement, asking for basically everything, but he's fighting her and will get it to a managable point. She can't have everything, he needs to live and she will move to a better place than he has and he's paying for everything so hopefully she'll calm down and accept what she is due by law. She just won't let him off the hook for his cheating. She just hammars at him and it's making him so unhappy and angry. It's the past, she needs to move on. fingers crossed she gets a job and finds a man to take care of her! Rightfully so. She took care of the kids, raised them, and he left her and the kids FOR you. Damn right he should pay her alimony and child support. I hope she gets a shark of a lawyer and squeezes every penny the courts allow her to. She shouldn't let him off the hook. People make choices and have to live with the consquences. Tough cookies. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 RiB, What brought about the change in heart? In your earlier thread you were adamant that you would NOT be stepmother - you essentially wanted nothing to do with his kids. If I recall, you did not tell this to your MM. Now...you are introducing yourself into one child's life as...well, who are you to the boy? Are you daddy's "special friend"? His girlfriend? His friend? What changed? Or do you still plan to have nothing to do with the children and are playing some game? You have been sagely advised to keep your distance - and you have ignored it. This is not the healthy way to go about this. Something is rotten in Denmark. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 She wants me to be a stepmother Again, This claim is the reason I think you are playing with us Rosie. A mother has built in protective instincts for her offspring. People are causing strife in her life i.e. divorce*, uprooting* - the H and OW have become her adversaries. No way she would wish for you to be a stepmother. *divorce & moving, rated about the 2nd & 3rd most stressful events. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 She wants me to be a stepmother but I*m happy to just be friends with the kids. I see no reason to be anything more than that right now. Has she actually said this to your face? Or are you hearing this through him? I find this very hard to believe since she is having a tough time with the D to begin with. Something feels very off about this whole story. Also, I know you're extremely happy about how this is worked out, but try not to be SO excited around their kids. Have some sympathy for their son since he is the one you've met. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fractious Fran Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 A man who cheats WITH you will cheat ON you. You're in a state of euphoria now, but everything new eventually becomes old. Those who lack...I don't know what the heck they lack... will always be on the lookout for something new. Hope you aren't destroyed when you're the one he leaves for the new. You should pray for his children every night. You've gained...whatever you think you've gained. They've lost, big time. Good luck. I have a feeling you're going to need it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 A man who cheats WITH you will cheat ON you. It's cute, but not the answer by any means. Some R's which started as affairs are very successful. Likewise there are a large number of WS and BS on the board where the R didn't start as an affair yet cheating still happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Wow he put his own kid on the spot. Geez, the ink isn't even dried yet, the process JUST started and he's asking his own son if it's OK to meet you? WTF is he thinking? Sorry that I'm reacting harshly it's just not cool and the timing is so wrong. He put his kid in a tough position, and the kid probably said OK so he wouldn't disappoint his father. Things could easily get hard and change, so don't hope for all to be excellent so quickly. The younger son can do a 180 so just because you feel he's onboard now doesn't mean he will be next week. I absolutely agree with this. I also have concerns about the following: His son was nice to me and it was awesome! I think we will slowly win over his older son, who hates me right now, now that his younger one is onboard. So you are pursuing a "divide and conquer" strategy - split them up, get one on your side, and hopefully, that will drag the other one over eventually, eh? Have you considered that it might actually drive a wedge between the brothers, as the older one, in his anger, sees not only his dad betraying the family, but now may perceive that his own brother is, as well? And the younger brother - with the same innocence that allows him to accept meeting you immediately - doesn't even understand the complexity of the dynamic in which he is now playing an unwitting role, among you and his dad and his brother. (Not to mention his relationship with his mom, once she learns from him that dad's new special friend is so much fun to spend time with...) That's why people have advised you to stay out of the kids' lives for a good long time. Are you sure you understand what you might be putting them through, here, right at a time when they are just starting to deal with a huge change that has destabilized their family? I trust him as he is with me whenever he's not with the kids. I see him every day, all day at work and even when he's traveling to and from work he texts me the whole time. He's ALWAYS in touch, constantly, so I have no worries that he's up to anything. So it's not really that you "trust him" as much as it is that you have confidence that he doesn't have the opportunity to stray. It sounds like you are completely reassured by the logistics - you didn't really say anything that supports a trust in him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rosieisblue Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 RiB, What brought about the change in heart? In your earlier thread you were adamant that you would NOT be stepmother - you essentially wanted nothing to do with his kids. If I recall, you did not tell this to your MM. Now...you are introducing yourself into one child's life as...well, who are you to the boy? Are you daddy's "special friend"? His girlfriend? His friend? What changed? Or do you still plan to have nothing to do with the children and are playing some game? You have been sagely advised to keep your distance - and you have ignored it. This is not the healthy way to go about this. Something is rotten in Denmark. There isn't any change of heart. I still won't be a stepmother, more of a friend to them. He had this day with his kid and asked me along. I didn't push myself on him, was just fun to be around and gave him loads of praise. It was really fun for everyone. I'm not playing a game but we're in each other's lives now and his kids are important to him so we figure it's time to start taking those steps. It's going to be hard but the first hurdle has been cleared. Link to post Share on other sites
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