They're filing!

[rosieisblue]

Wow, he's some piece of work. From everything you've written, especially the way he parades you around his friends and family, etc. --- it sound more and more like he's using you to get back at his wife for dumping him.

 

 

She didn't dump him, she found out about me, he told her he had feelings for me and she asked him to leave. And then wanted him to come running back to her but he refused. He waited for me instead. And now she's done and we're all moving forward with our lives.

[rosieisblue]

RiB,

 

What brought about the change in heart?

 

In your earlier thread you were adamant that you would NOT be stepmother - you essentially wanted nothing to do with his kids. If I recall, you did not tell this to your MM.

 

Now...you are introducing yourself into one child's life as...well, who are you to the boy? Are you daddy's "special friend"? His girlfriend? His friend?

 

What changed? Or do you still plan to have nothing to do with the children and are playing some game?

 

You have been sagely advised to keep your distance - and you have ignored it. This is not the healthy way to go about this. Something is rotten in Denmark.

 

 

They know that I am his girlfriend. We were lightly affectionate with one another but not all over each other. He kissed me goodbye when they left and it was fine. They've known about me since his W found out, as she told them about me. So it's not a big secret to the kids that he's in love with me.

[rosieisblue]

Has she actually said this to your face? Or are you hearing this through him?

 

I find this very hard to believe since she is having a tough time with the D to begin with.

 

Something feels very off about this whole story. Also, I know you're extremely happy about how this is worked out, but try not to be SO excited around their kids. Have some sympathy for their son since he is the one you've met.

 

 

She sent me an email saying she wanted to meet and discuss what my role would be as a stepparent. That's when I made it clear that I wasn't going to be one, I was going to be their friend. She didn't like that, saying if we move in together I'll have to take them to activities and make sure they do homework and all that but I don't see that as my role. That's MM role. I will support him and help him but he's in charge of the kids, not me.

[rosieisblue]

A man who cheats WITH you will cheat ON you. You're in a state of euphoria now, but everything new eventually becomes old. Those who lack...I don't know what the heck they lack... will always be on the lookout for something new. Hope you aren't destroyed when you're the one he leaves for the new.

 

You should pray for his children every night. You've gained...whatever you think you've gained. They've lost, big time.

 

Good luck. I have a feeling you're going to need it.

 

He won't cheat on me. He is completely in love with me, and me with him. He was just unhappy with her and finally found a way out. It will work, we talk about it alot and it will work with us.

 

the kids are adjusting and will be ok in the end. He's a great father, really loves his kids and would do anything for them. He lives in a small apartment while they live with W in a big place. Even though they're moving to a smaller place, it's still bigger than his and he's paying for everything. He's responsible and will always be there for his kids.

[rosieisblue]

I absolutely agree with this. I also have concerns about the following:

 

So you are pursuing a "divide and conquer" strategy - split them up, get one on your side, and hopefully, that will drag the other one over eventually, eh?

 

Have you considered that it might actually drive a wedge between the brothers, as the older one, in his anger, sees not only his dad betraying the family, but now may perceive that his own brother is, as well? And the younger brother - with the same innocence that allows him to accept meeting you immediately - doesn't even understand the complexity of the dynamic in which he is now playing an unwitting role, among you and his dad and his brother. (Not to mention his relationship with his mom, once she learns from him that dad's new special friend is so much fun to spend time with...)

 

That's why people have advised you to stay out of the kids' lives for a good long time. Are you sure you understand what you might be putting them through, here, right at a time when they are just starting to deal with a huge change that has destabilized their family?

 

 

So it's not really that you "trust him" as much as it is that you have confidence that he doesn't have the opportunity to stray. It sounds like you are completely reassured by the logistics - you didn't really say anything that supports a trust in him.

 

 

We're not trying to divide and conquer. It just happened he was spending the day with this kid and the other one was busy and Mm thought it would be fun for me to join. It was not dramatic, it was fine and fun for everyone. The older one is very angry with his dad. I think the W is part of this, as she talks to them about everything and is probably filling the kids heads with a lot of things they shouldn't have put in their heads.

 

Just like her telling them about his relationship with me, it hurt them more than anything. They didn't need to know that. All they needed to know was that the marriage was not good for a long time and it was time to end it. Then it would have gone a lot more smoothly.

 

Like I've already said, they know about me, that he loves me, not their mother, and that we are planning our lives together, so we are slowly making that happen with them.

 

It will work out in the end because we're both determined to make this work, no matter what. And he loves me so much. It's amazing how great he is to me.

[Drseussgrrl]

It's always so amazing to me how people can claim to be "unhappy" in their marriage, and go running into the arms of someone else, never having thought twice to figure out what it is that they are struggling with on the inside, themselves. When do people start taking accountability for their own happiness?

 

You are living in a fantasy land if you don't think you'll have to saddle up and help with these kids if you are living with their dad. You can't just sit back and enjoy the sex and romance without taking an active role in something so incredibly integral to his life as his children. You played a significant role in the breakup of a family, and all you can say is - "Meh - they're HIS responsibility." Unbelievable.

[whichwayisup]

There isn't any change of heart. I still won't be a stepmother, more of a friend to them. He had this day with his kid and asked me along. I didn't push myself on him, was just fun to be around and gave him loads of praise. It was really fun for everyone.

 

I'm not playing a game but we're in each other's lives now and his kids are important to him so we figure it's time to start taking those steps.

 

It's going to be hard but the first hurdle has been cleared.

 

It's time to start taking those steps? SO SOON? WTF. Neither of you are putting those kids feelings first. Their world just got rocked and turned upside down. He made a huge mistake by asking you along when it was HIS day to be with his son and you made a mistake by saying yes and going. It is too soon. Any shrink would tell you this too.

[UpwardForward]

She sent me an email saying she wanted to meet and discuss what my role would be as a stepparent.

 

Probably just trying to give you a wake up call, by letting you know there were three people involved, not just the husband. Possibly even trying to use if to discourage you.

 

I would never use my children in this manner.

[rosieisblue]

It's always so amazing to me how people can claim to be "unhappy" in their marriage, and go running into the arms of someone else, never having thought twice to figure out what it is that they are struggling with on the inside, themselves. When do people start taking accountability for their own happiness?

 

You are living in a fantasy land if you don't think you'll have to saddle up and help with these kids if you are living with their dad. You can't just sit back and enjoy the sex and romance without taking an active role in something so incredibly integral to his life as his children. You played a significant role in the breakup of a family, and all you can say is - "Meh - they're HIS responsibility." Unbelievable.

 

He was unhappy in his marriage, which is why he had other affairs. They were just a distraction but when I came along he really fell in love and that's why they split. She knew about one other affair but didn't leave him. When she found out about me she learned about the others and realized that this time it was not a fling on the side but the real thing-we're in love.

 

As far as teh kids, they have a mother. I will be there for him to help him with them but since they live mainly with W they'll be with MM a few times a week and that's for dinner and bed and some weekend stuff. I don't see how that means I will play a big role in their lives other than being their friend.

 

And I didn't break up the family, they broke it up by having their marriage not work. It wasn't anyone's fault, they just grew apart and the whole thing ran out of steam. I*m sorry people got hurt but it would have ended anyway.

[Radagast]

You are living in a fantasy land if you don't think you'll have to saddle up and help with these kids if you are living with their dad. You can't just sit back and enjoy the sex and romance without taking an active role in something so incredibly integral to his life as his children. You played a significant role in the breakup of a family, and all you can say is - "Meh - they're HIS responsibility." Unbelievable.

 

I don't believe Rosie's attitude toward her role with the children is too far off. When I remarried I certainly did not expect my wife to become a parent to my children any more than I expected to become a parent to hers. It was not my wife's responsibility to taxi my kids around, nor to supervise homework nor anything else, it was mine. Of course she helped out, of course she cared for them and of course she became much more to them but that was not her responsibility, that was her choice. The responsibility was mine and my ex-wife's, not hers. Rosie is accepting the limits of her role here - her relationship is with her boyfriend, and the children are his responsibility. If over time she develops her own relationships with the children, as she seems to be starting with the younger one, then things will shift and change, but for now it is not her responsibility to be their taxi or their cook or their nanny. She is not the parent, he is. He could ask her to help out (and she could of course refuse) but the responsibility lies with him and it is good that Rosie recognises this.

 

If Rosie was making plans for their schooling or listing all kinds of "fun" things she wanted to do with them, no doubt she'd be getting a flood of responses telling her that these were not her kids but his and she should back off and remember her place with them. That she is backing off and remembering her place with them is not earning her any brownie points but instead criticism for not wanting to be a step-parent! Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

Rosie, I've been on all sides of this. I've had a step-parent, I've become a step-parent and I've remarried and seen my wife step-parent, and I don't think you're a million miles off in your approach. Your making friends with his children and taking things slowly with them sounds to me like the right way to approach this. As long as you remain sensitive to them while then are with you, you should be fine. I wish you well.

[Drseussgrrl]

You're getting involved with someone who has a history of cheating when he's not "happy". And you're ok with this? "It wasn't anyone's fault." You know - maybe if he had worked on his marriage rather than sleep around with other women when sh*t got rocky, they would have had a fighting chance. Grass is greener where you water it.

 

Speaks volumes of this guy's character. I think you guys deserve each other.

 

I'm getting worked up so I'm bowing out of this thread. Good luck.

[rosieisblue]

You're getting involved with someone who has a history of cheating when he's not "happy". And you're ok with this? "It wasn't anyone's fault." You know - maybe if he had worked on his marriage rather than sleep around with other women when sh*t got rocky, they would have had a fighting chance. Grass is greener where you water it.

 

Speaks volumes of this guy's character. I think you guys deserve each other.

 

I'm getting worked up so I'm bowing out of this thread. Good luck.

 

He tried with her but she was always complaining, never happy, everything was wrong. He gave her a fantastic lifestyle and it wasn't good enough because she didn't like where they lived or something. And it was always her friends, never his. He didn't cheat all the time, he just became lonely and unhappy and was desperate for affection and attention. She basically ignored him the last couple of years of their marriage.

[skywriter]

I'm sorry but, it takes two to make a marriage and there's two sides to every story and then there is the truth.

 

It sounds like this woman is getting all the blame and he's this wonderful person that never did anything to contribute to the problems in there marriage.

[rosieisblue]

I'm sorry but, it takes two to make a marriage and there's two sides to every story and then there is the truth.

 

It sounds like this woman is getting all the blame and he's this wonderful person that never did anything to contribute to the problems in there marriage.

 

I'm sure he wasn't perfect but he provided everything they needed, and I mean REALLY well, and she still complained, gave him no attention or affection, sex was infrequent, she let herself go a bit, she basically became a scolding mom to him. I'm sure he did stuff as well but he was really devoted to them and then it just fell apart. He tried a lot towards the end, before she found out about me, but nothing changed and he was relieved when she found out because it's what he needed to finally leave. He had been thinking about it for a few years.

 

I don't like seeing a family break up but he is so different now, so happy and he's lost weight and lives much more healthy (she drinks a lot). The kids are having a hard time but he's doing everything he can to make sure they're ok.

[nofool4u]

I met his younger son again the other day! I know you all say it shouldn't happen

 

It should happen so quick. Eventually when the smoke clears, it would be appropriate, but with the divorce not over, I don't think it is.

 

 

His son was nice to me and it was awesome! I think we will slowly win over his older son, who hates me right now, now that his younger one is onboard.

 

The younger ones aren't as aware of matters of the heart. I wouldn't count on the older son accepting you. Maybe he will, maybe he won't.

But you don't push it. Don't TRY to win him over, just let things happen naturally. And if he never comes around, never you or his dad chastise him for it. He didn't ask for any of this.

 

His wife has done some crazy stuff recently. She's been goig into the kid's FB accounts and posting some nutty stuff. Then she left a message for me that was 'from her son' that said nasty things about me but we know it's her.

 

She's not taking this well

 

Of course she isn't going to take it well. Posting on her son's FB is a little over the top, but you can't judge her for her state of mind. Being cheated on is tantamount to mental abuse. It causes the most level headed people to do stupid things at times.

 

 

I just wish his wife wouldn't keep giving him a hard time about what he did during their marriage.

 

Sorry, that goes with the territory. He doesn't get to be a cheating jackass and expect the person he was crappy towards to not vent about it.

 

 

It's in the past, and we all need to look to the future.

 

Thats easy for you to say. And it will be easy for her to say once some time has passed, but for right now, she is the one that got dealt the s****y hand here. She is entitled to be angry for a while. And being an accomplice to her betrayal, you should understand that she is entitled to feel a certain way until the shock of it has all settled down.

 

One doesn't get to treat someone else like crap and expect them to be civil.

[nofool4u]

I should mention that she's being kind of horrible in the settlement, asking for basically everything

 

I've been through divorce, thats the way it works. My X was the cheater, and its an old attorney's trick. Even though they knew splitting marital assets 50/50 is all that would happen, they ask for everything up front in hopes the other attorney isn't a bulldog. I freaked when I saw the first list of her demands. But my attorney said not to worry, this is what they do, that "they aren't getting half the things on this list, its 50/50".

 

 

She just won't let him off the hook for his cheating.

 

She will in time, but right now, I don't blame her.

 

 

She just hammars at him and it's making him so unhappy and angry.

 

Again, goes with the territory. He betrayed her and made her unhappy and angry, so whats good for the goose. But she will calm down in time. Its too raw for her right now.

 

 

It's the past, she needs to move on.

 

Its not that far in the past. Again, too soon, to raw. And its easy for you and cheater to say this, you weren't the ones betrayed.

[nofool4u]

He won't cheat on me. He is completely in love with me, and me with him.

 

And you don't think at one time him and his wife weren't this way too?

 

Sorry, they were. What changed? Time.

[Drseussgrrl]

This guy is feeding you a sob "poor me" story about how terrible his wife was, to justify his infidelities. The fact is you don't know. Perhaps she withheld her love and attention toward the end BECAUSE he was CHEATING. Wouldn't that make sense?

 

Of course she's angry. Of course she's sad. Of course she can't just "move on from the past". Her husband left her - for another woman. The ultimate betrayal. Her entire life is changing as she knows it. Her kids are being uprooted. Her marriage is over.

 

I really don't understand how you can be so happy-go-lucky in the wake of someone else's demise, that you helped create, and then have the gall to dictate how she should be feeling about it, because her husband is "so in love" with you.

 

Geez, have a little compassion.

[nofool4u]

And I didn't break up the family, they broke it up by having their marriage not work. It wasn't anyone's fault, they just grew apart and the whole thing ran out of steam.

 

If what you say is true, then she wouldn't care if he cheated, she'd be relieved and it makes splitting that much easier for her.

 

I had a friend who got a divorce because he wasn't happy with her, he didn't cheat, but he told me, "I wish I'd find out she is cheating or something, that would make the decision to divorce that much easier"

[nofool4u]

Best thing OP can do is get her MM some calamine lotion. Because I think he has the 7 year itch.

[rosieisblue]

rosie, you discount everything that anyone posts in response to you. You discount that he IS a serial cheater and you rationalize it by saying, oh he just wasn't happy. You discount that he had any blame in the bad state of his marriage and you aren't even acknowledging the possibility that his previous affair that his wife found out about had everything to do with why his wife was not easy to live with. You discount that you need to give these children time to process what has happened to them and you don't seem to understand that it would be better for them for you to keep your distance for at least a year. You think your mm is father of the year.......he is not, his lack of thoughtfulness toward his children is selfish at best.

 

Your love hasn't transformed him. He is still the same man who is a serial cheater and has all the issues that accompany that. Oh he thinks right now that you are the answer but when normal settles in with you and the new wears off, he will be looking at your faults and not with kindness. He will start to feel as if he was wrong about you and unless he addresses the deep seated issues, he will start the next round of cheating on you with a new woman.

 

Deep down I think you are scared that there is truth in what people have posted to you, but you are not going to admit it here because you don't want to let go of the future you think you are going to have with this man. Sadly I think it's not going to be the future you dream of, unless he addresses his problems. He is the problem rosie, it wasn't his wife.

 

I just don't see him as a serial cheater. It's not like he had a million affairs. He had one or two real affairs, years apart, and then a couple of ONS and some emotional affairs. I kow how bad that sounds but it was over 20 years that it happened and there were long stretches where it never happened. It all happened in the last 7 or 8 years of the marriage, when he started to be unhappy.

 

After the kids came she changed a lot and he admits he needs a lot of attention and affection and is quite needy but that's ok, I*m happy to provide all of that. I love being there for him and he really needs someone like that.

 

As far as the kids, that bridge has already been crossed, at least partly. Most people think it's time. It's been more than 6 months since she asked him to leave, divorce has been filed, we've been openly seeing each other for months, everyone knows and we're planning a future together. I plan on taking it slow, a little meeting here and there to do something fun together, the four of us and not for two long. Maybe an hour playing laser tag or something, where the focus is on fun and laughter.

 

I hear what everyone is saying but what am I going to do? I love him, he loves me, I don't think he'll cheat on me, as he didn't cheat on her for a long time, and only when things went bad.

[rosieisblue]

And you don't think at one time him and his wife weren't this way too?

 

Sorry, they were. What changed? Time.

 

I'm sure they were happy when they were young and first met but she got miserable and just checked out, didn't show him any love or affection for a long time. Maybe the first affair she found out about had an impact, I can see that, but it was seven years ago that she found that out and she said she wanted to rebuild so he stayed. And it was downhill from there. He just wasn't happy after that, really, and that's when he did much of his cheating.

 

Sometimes peopel don't throw in the towel when they should and it takes a few years for that to come to the decision.

[rosieisblue]

This guy is feeding you a sob "poor me" story about how terrible his wife was, to justify his infidelities. The fact is you don't know. Perhaps she withheld her love and attention toward the end BECAUSE he was CHEATING. Wouldn't that make sense?

 

Of course she's angry. Of course she's sad. Of course she can't just "move on from the past". Her husband left her - for another woman. The ultimate betrayal. Her entire life is changing as she knows it. Her kids are being uprooted. Her marriage is over.

 

I really don't understand how you can be so happy-go-lucky in the wake of someone else's demise, that you helped create, and then have the gall to dictate how she should be feeling about it, because her husband is "so in love" with you.

 

Geez, have a little compassion.

 

I have compassion and I feel reallly badly about what happened and the way it happened. And I understand she's been upset and angry and hurt but she didn't really want him anymore anyway. She told me herself that he was all mine, she didn't want him, a few months after she kicked him out.

 

I see all three of us responsible for this: her for not being the wife he needed, him for not leaving when he was first unhappy, and me for getting too involved before he left.

 

But the end result is taht we're together and they are divorcing. And I am happy. I can't help it. Yes, I feel guilt, mostly for the kids, but I know that I make him happy and if he's happy then they will see this and be happy as well. I hope she finds someone as well to make her happy.

 

I just want everyone to be happy and eventually we all will be. Right now I love him with all my heart and he loves me. And he IS a great dad. He has taken so much crap from the kids over this and he still goes back for more, no matter what they say. he loves them so much and is hurt by their anger but is trying to help them find a way to feel happier.

[rosieisblue]

If what you say is true, then she wouldn't care if he cheated, she'd be relieved and it makes splitting that much easier for her.

 

I had a friend who got a divorce because he wasn't happy with her, he didn't cheat, but he told me, "I wish I'd find out she is cheating or something, that would make the decision to divorce that much easier"

 

I think she is scared because she has been staying home with the kids for years and this means going back to work. i understand that but she had a career years ago and as MM says, part of why she was unhappy was she was bored at home and felt useless. He thinks her going back to work will give her a sense of purpose again.

 

And MM is hugely relieved to be out of the marriage. He says it's like a weight off his shoulders. he didn't even realize how bad it was until he left and she went absolutely nuts. He realized she was a very angry person and said the most horrible things she could think of to him. Taht's one of the reaons he could never go back.

[skywriter]

Ok? So, I'm still wondering if everything is great, you're so happy. he's healthier,etc,etc.

 

What brings you to this forum?