They're filing!

[rosieisblue]

So, remember when he gets unhappy, clams up and doesn't communicate his needs, he takes the easy way out and cheats. Either physically or emotionally with someone else. I hope for your sake this guy SEEKS counselling to fix himself and learns how to communicate with you if he is unhappy or feels his needs aren't being met. Otherwise you will find yourself the 'betrayed spouse' and get a taste of what his wife has been through.

 

But I'm aware of his needs so can meet them. I think he just met his wife too young and she didn't really realize what he needed and they grew up and grew apart. It happens to a lot of people, especially if they don't recognize each other's needs and I don't think she saw what he really needed. He needs to feel attention and I can give that to him, so he'll have no need to stray. I don't think he'll try counseling again, although he said it was good for his wife to do it with him as she realized it was over between them, which wass his point in going in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

Also, he was planning to leave, just wanted to do it slowly and gently and make sure that it wasn't this big traumatic, dramatic upheaval it turned into. We both wanted to let our partners down gently but her finding out changed that, badly. It got quite ugly.

 

And this is why I find it sickening that you already have met his one child and HE allowed it.

 

And why I am having trouble believing that his wife is OK with you around her kids so soon. Makes no sense, that is why I'm questioning this. Either way, it's a messed up situation.

[rosieisblue]

Rose, get your story straight. First you say that she is being crazy and filling the kids heads up with bad stuff about you and talkin to her older kid about you and the affair, now you say she encourages the kids to be nice to you? Something is off here. Sorry.

 

She encourages the kids to have a good relationship with me on the surface but then tells them terrible things about me and MM. She told them he cheated with me (and hinted that there was more) and then tells them that I will be their stepmother and they need to be nice to me. It's really messed up, to be honest.

 

One of the reasons the kids hate me is because she is blaming me for the entire breakdown of their family, even though she told me in an email that she didn't see a reason to hate me because I was just 'one of many'. So she gets her digs in and then pretends she's taking the high road. It's kind of bitchy.

[rosieisblue]

I'm wondering if this woman even has an attorney, while you and her H are ordering/organizing her and her children's life. (So that she can go 'forward' )

 

In my state the H to financially contribute/allow W and children to remain in the family home until children are of age.

 

She was the one who got an attorney, handed him divorce papers before he was ready and has pushed the whole thing, while still holding out a carrot if he wanted to come home. She stopped that a few months ago after he made it clear he wasn't interested and was done with her. Then she got nasty and is asking for everything, basically. He lives in a small apartment while he pays all the bills for their very expensive home on the water and all that goes with it. She wants to keep up the upper class life and doesn't realize things have changed and they both need to come down in the world. She's an upper class princess, as he says, and just sees him as a paycheck.

[whichwayisup]

But I'm aware of his needs so can meet them. I think he just met his wife too young and she didn't really realize what he needed and they grew up and grew apart. It happens to a lot of people, especially if they don't recognize each other's needs and I don't think she saw what he really needed. He needs to feel attention and I can give that to him, so he'll have no need to stray. I don't think he'll try counseling again, although he said it was good for his wife to do it with him as she realized it was over between them, which wass his point in going in the first place.

 

so this is all her fault. Like he was perfect husband and could do no wrong. So many OW and OM believe that the BS was the devil in disguise.

 

OBVIOUSLY they did fall in love and create two children. So things couldn't have been that bad..

 

Yeah he doesn't want to do therapy because he feels there's nothing wrong with him! Do you want a broken man? Well, you're getting one now. Good luck, sorry but you're going to need it. He is ending his marriage and starting a new life with you so fast. There's no time in there for him to be alone, grieve the loss of his family unit as one. no time to just BE alone.

 

It is so unhealthy to bounce from a marriage to another relationship with no time alone in between.

[rosieisblue]

I'm wondering if this woman even has an attorney, while you and her H are ordering/organizing her and her children's life. (So that she can go 'forward' )

 

In my state the H to financially contribute/allow W and children to remain in the family home until children are of age.

 

And we're not trying to order her life. We're just trying to free up money so everyone can have some margins and live a good life. Right now all the money he makes goes into supporting her and her lifestyle, while he has hardly any money and i pay for a lot, which is fine as I have a good job but he doesn't like not being able to have money to do things.

[herenow]

She encourages the kids to have a good relationship with me on the surface but then tells them terrible things about me and MM. She told them he cheated with me (and hinted that there was more) and then tells them that I will be their stepmother and they need to be nice to me. It's really messed up, to be honest.

 

One of the reasons the kids hate me is because she is blaming me for the entire breakdown of their family, even though she told me in an email that she didn't see a reason to hate me because I was just 'one of many'. So she gets her digs in and then pretends she's taking the high road. It's kind of bitchy.

 

As wrong as it is IMO that she is sharing these personal things with her kids, they are the truth. You say he is such a great father. Would a great father do something that would cause his kids to hate him if they found out?

[rosieisblue]

Yup, sounds about right. The "singles thing" is really scary for someone who needs as much attention as you say he needs. You are a sure thing. He knows he will get his fix from you. It's very safe.

 

I'm not saying this is definitely going to be the case n your situation. All I am saying is that it sounds very familiar and maybe something you should consider to be a possibility. All it takes is a taste of what he can have as as single man and his fears about being alone will be gone. Right now he has you as a sure thing. Just be careful after that divorce is final. Again, it happens all the time. Protect yourself.

 

If I hadn't been living with my boyfriend at the time he would have moved right in with me. As it was, he lived in a series of tiny apartments and then finally bought one so he could have a place to bring the kids. But we're planning to move in to gether at some point, and probably fairly soon so the kids needs to meeet me as they'll be staying with us.

[Drseussgrrl]

Yeah well you're going to have to get used to that Rosie. He supported her throughout their 20 year marriage while she raised his two kids, while he fooled around behind her back.

 

Tough sh*t.

[herenow]

She was the one who got an attorney, handed him divorce papers before he was ready and has pushed the whole thing, while still holding out a carrot if he wanted to come home. She stopped that a few months ago after he made it clear he wasn't interested and was done with her. Then she got nasty and is asking for everything, basically. He lives in a small apartment while he pays all the bills for their very expensive home on the water and all that goes with it. She wants to keep up the upper class life and doesn't realize things have changed and they both need to come down in the world. She's an upper class princess, as he says, and just sees him as a paycheck.

 

So, are you saying he wasn't ready to get a divorce and she forced it?

[whichwayisup]

If I hadn't been living with my boyfriend at the time he would have moved right in with me. As it was, he lived in a series of tiny apartments and then finally bought one so he could have a place to bring the kids. But we're planning to move in to gether at some point, and probably fairly soon so the kids needs to meeet me as they'll be staying with us.

 

So much for taking thing slowly and allowing them time to adjust.

[herenow]

If I hadn't been living with my boyfriend at the time he would have moved right in with me. As it was, he lived in a series of tiny apartments and then finally bought one so he could have a place to bring the kids. But we're planning to move in to gether at some point, and probably fairly soon so the kids needs to meeet me as they'll be staying with us.

 

Of course he would have moved in with you. Once again, you are a sure thing. It's very easy for him. No chance of rejection and instant attention all the time.

[rosieisblue]

Yup, sounds about right. The "singles thing" is really scary for someone who needs as much attention as you say he needs. You are a sure thing. He knows he will get his fix from you. It's very safe.

 

I'm not saying this is definitely going to be the case n your situation. All I am saying is that it sounds very familiar and maybe something you should consider to be a possibility. All it takes is a taste of what he can have as as single man and his fears about being alone will be gone. Right now he has you as a sure thing. Just be careful after that divorce is final. Again, it happens all the time. Protect yourself.

 

And anyone would be scared of the singles scene after 20 years with someone. It's basically his whole adult life. He had girlfriends before that but she is his big relationship, the one that really went somewhere so he hasn't faced that in a long time. She's older than him so had more experience so she will probably have an easier time. Plus, she's kind of a dinner party queen and has lots of friends so she isn't sitting home alone.

[rosieisblue]

Exactly. Unless he gets to the root of his own issues, Rosie will be his sure thing sitting at home while he is out living the single live.

 

Or, even worse, he will cheat with his ex. How many times have we read this stuff WWIU?

 

I'm not sitting home alone. when he's not with the kids he's with me. We do everything together. He's joined my social group, met my friends and is incredibly charming with them. I've met a few of his friends and they're really nice.

 

And no way will he cheat with his ex. She's overweight, has bad skin and is not nice to him so no way would he sleep with her. He says he can't stand it if she even puts a hand on his arm. It makes him really uncomfortable.

[Drseussgrrl]

"Plus, she's kind of a dinner party queen and has lots of friends so she isn't sitting home alone."

 

Does saying things like this to yourself make you feel better and able to sleep at night?

[herenow]

And anyone would be scared of the singles scene after 20 years with someone. It's basically his whole adult life. He had girlfriends before that but she is his big relationship, the one that really went somewhere so he hasn't faced that in a long time. She's older than him so had more experience so she will probably have an easier time. Plus, she's kind of a dinner party queen and has lots of friends so she isn't sitting home alone.

 

Yup, so now you have a scared man who makes a habit out of doing whatever he needs to do to feel better about himself. You also have a man who was forced into a divorce he wasn't ready for (your own words in a previous post). What choice does he have but to run to you and do whatever it takes to keep you around?

[UpwardForward]

She encourages the kids to have a good relationship with me on the surface but then tells them terrible things about me and MM. She told them he cheated with me (and hinted that there was more) and then tells them that I will be their stepmother and they need to be nice to me. It's really messed up, to be honest.

 

One of the reasons the kids hate me is because she is blaming me for the entire breakdown of their family, even though she told me in an email that she didn't see a reason to hate me because I was just 'one of many'. So she gets her digs in and then pretends she's taking the high road. It's kind of bitchy.

 

But you were the 'one of the many', who achieved the breakup.

 

The oldest son in particular, will always know he was uprooted - and w different surroundings, and their father isn't with them. Not because of prev affairs, but because of you.

[Alice2012]

Rosie - you'd better get on some pretty good birth control or make sure he gets a vasectomy right away. Once you have a kid or two, you will be his STBX-wife at some point.

 

How exhausted I feel for you and I don't even know you. You won't be able to gain a pound, have a bad day or put your child before your man child. A true Super Woman you will be required to become.

 

Good luck to you.

[herenow]

I'm not sitting home alone. when he's not with the kids he's with me. We do everything together. He's joined my social group, met my friends and is incredibly charming with them. I've met a few of his friends and they're really nice.

 

And no way will he cheat with his ex. She's overweight, has bad skin and is not nice to him so no way would he sleep with her. He says he can't stand it if she even puts a hand on his arm. It makes him really uncomfortable.

 

He needs you now. I'm trying to help you understand that you may be his safety net. Please be careful because all the things I have said do happen. Maybe not to you, but it is a possibility if you step back and read your own posts.

[Alice2012]

And no way will he cheat with his ex. She's overweight, has bad skin and is not nice to him so no way would he sleep with her. He says he can't stand it if she even puts a hand on his arm. It makes him really uncomfortable.

 

Oh Rosie - if you only saw all the posts I've seen on various betrayed spouse message boards about the STBX and ex-husbands. They all try to bed the "evil and unattractive" ex-wives, even long after the divorce. Especially the MM who were kicked to the curb like your MM.

[PhoenixRise]

She encourages the kids to have a good relationship with me on the surface but then tells them terrible things about me and MM. She told them he cheated with me (and hinted that there was more) and then tells them that I will be their stepmother and they need to be nice to me. It's really messed up, to be honest.

 

One of the reasons the kids hate me is because she is blaming me for the entire breakdown of their family, even though she told me in an email that she didn't see a reason to hate me because I was just 'one of many'. So she gets her digs in and then pretends she's taking the high road. It's kind of bitchy.

 

Rosie

 

It sounds like what she told them was the truth. He DID cheat with you and there was more.

 

It really doesn't sound like she is the one blaming you. It sounds like based on the truth of what actually happened at least one of the kids is blaming you.

 

The wife is not under any obligation to lie to the children to make you or MM more comfortable. It sound like the kid's lives are being impacted in a MAJOR way. They are losing their family. They are losing their home. Will they have to change schools too?

 

It is huge Rosie.

 

And their mother told them the truth about why that is happening.

 

 

and Rosie, I know you won't listen, but this situation is not healthy for you. It is not healthy for a man to need the amount of attention this man apparently needs. And even if you are willing to give him that attention now, what happens when you can't anymore?

 

What happens when you have a child of your own?

What happens when you have a sick parent to take care of?

What happens when/if you get sick yourself and can't focus on him?

 

You love him. You see him in the best possible light. I get it. But you really need to take a look at the reality of what this man is and how he copes with his unhappiness. And you need to realize that nobody can make another person happy every minute of every day.

[rosieisblue]

Rosieblue,

 

I know you're going to go ahead with this and make this guy your future.

 

All I have to say is good luck - I really think you're going to need it.

 

You are young, you're in your child bearing years and you could have a bright future with someone without the angry ex wife, the betrayed kids, the messy divorce, the fact that you're the "other woman".

 

Of course this guy is afraid to be back on the singles scene. It's different now that he's 40 with baggage. Aside from that he cannot be alone. You're his emotional tampon. And I think what bothers me the most about your posts, is that you seem to think you're "better" for him in some way, that you wouldn't stay home with his kids, that you would love him better or give him the attention that he needs, therefore not cheating on you. You haven't lived reality with him yet, not by a long shot. You're caught up in the fantasy of a sordid love affair in which love conquers all and that you'll get your happily-ever-after, awful ex-wife be damned. With the string of affairs peppering his marriage that you are so easy to dismiss, I am not one bit surprised that she turned cold on him. I'm sure he invalidated and minimized her feelings about them, too. You cannot blame one person for the poor and selfish choices that you ultimately make for yourself. And he chose to be liar and a cheater. How you are ok with this, I don't understand.

 

I just think you should really think long and hard about this. We only have one shot at this thing called life, and I honestly and truly believe that you're going to look back on this one day and wished you had made a different choice.

 

He can be alone. he was alone for six weeks while he waited for me, with only seeing me at work and for maybe a quick dinner before i went home to my bf. He saw his kids, spent some time in the home but realized he hated being there and was grateful that when he went over to the see the kids a lot of times she went out for the night and he didn't have to deal with her.

 

He was done, that's the thing. The marriage was over for him. I appreciate all that you say but while i am young I am aware of what I'm getting into. The divorce is messy but that will pass. The kids will eventually come around. and while I'm the other woman it wasn't for very long, just a few short months before she found out and he was free and he has been clear since then that he doesn't want his marriage, he wants me. His parents did this as well. HIs mother was the other woman and his parents have been together for 40 years so he knows that it can work.

 

I do want children but not right now. Maybe in five years, when my career is established. By then everyone will be settled into their new lives and it won't be a big upheaval for the kids. One will be grown and the other nearly grown so they'll be off doing their own thing so it shouldn't be such a big thing. And hopefully his wife will have found someone else and won't be bothered by the new family.

 

And in a way I am better for him. I am learning from her mistakes and know that I can be the woman he needs, the woman who will make him happy. Sometimes, I think, people get married too young and their needs change over time and they aren't able to meet them for each other and it's best to split and find the person that meets their current needs, not their needs from the past.

 

We've done reality. It's not all parties with us. We have quiet nights in with cooking and just hanging out and watching tv. We meet with friends, we jog and bike and do fun things together and when problems arise because of his wife and kids we talk it through and work it out. We TALK. And we are good friends. And that's what is going to make this work.

 

He knows he made bad decisions in his marriage but he is determined to never do it again. It happened because they weren't well suited, they're into different things, they were probably good at the start but THEY are the ones that had things rocked when real life hit because they didn't meet each other's needs.

 

I meet his needs and he adores that I am so loving towards him because he missed it for so long. It's sad to see a man of his age needy like a little boy but I can see hat he hasn't been loved in a long time and he needs it badly. And I love him so much so can give him all of that.

[herenow]

Oh Rosie - if you only saw all the posts I've seen on various betrayed spouse message boards about the STBX and ex-husbands. They all try to bed the "evil and unattractive" ex-wives, even long after the divorce. Especially the MM who were kicked to the curb like your MM.

 

I know Alice, it happens all the time. I haven't posted in a while, but it's still kinda the same stuff. Either this story is more convoluted than others, or Rosie is confused, either way it's a mess. I feel so sorry for Rosie. I hope I'm wrong, but at least we have given her something to think about.

[whichwayisup]

And in a way I am better for him. I am learning from her mistakes and know that I can be the woman he needs, the woman who will make him happy.

 

And he hasn't learned from HIS mistakes.

 

You are going to be the perfect little wife to him, do everything that makes him happy 24/7 and never upset or piss him off, or let him down.

 

If you do let him down or if a need isn't met, his behaviour, his coping mechanism is to go and cheat. How he handles stress, how he is a non communicator, how he is passive.. A 20 year marriage with habits, he hasn't had ANY TIME ALONE to change and learn more about himself. This is why he SHOULD go to counselling otherwise the baggage (emotionally) he brings to you and your new relationship is going to repeat itself.

[herenow]

And he hasn't learned from HIS mistakes.

 

You are going to be the perfect little wife to him, do everything that makes him happy 24/7 and never upset or piss him off, or let him down.

 

If you do let him down or if a need isn't met, his behaviour, his coping mechanism is to go and cheat. How he handles stress, how he is a non communicator, how he is passive.. A 20 year marriage with habits, he hasn't had ANY TIME ALONE to change and learn more about himself. This is why he SHOULD go to counselling otherwise the baggage (emotionally) he brings to you and your new relationship is going to repeat itself.

 

And he think it's OK to cheat as Rosie should understand. It's not his fault.