They're filing!

[rosieisblue]

As wrong as it is IMO that she is sharing these personal things with her kids, they are the truth. You say he is such a great father. Would a great father do something that would cause his kids to hate him if they found out?

 

She told them right away that he was having an affair. And his kids were destroyed by that information. He wanted to tell them that the marriage was falling apart but she insisted on telling them the 'truth' because she felt 'lying' tot hem was wrong. And she hurt her kids in the process. MM was devasted by this.

[Drseussgrrl]

What we are all trying to get you to understand is that you are NO BETTER than the overweight ex wife with bad skin who withheld attention from him. He is the same person who will cheat when you let him down - which you WILL because you are human and will make mistakes.

 

And when he does, are you going to blame yourself the way you both are blaming his wife?

[rosieisblue]

Yeah well you're going to have to get used to that Rosie. He supported her throughout their 20 year marriage while she raised his two kids, while he fooled around behind her back.

 

Tough sh*t.

 

Sure, but she hasn't done anything for over seven years, just sat at home complaining while he worked his butt off to get up the ladder. And now she wants him to take care of her for the rest of her life? She can't be serious. She's in her 40's, she has 20 years left before retirement, she is educated and had a career before so I would think she'd want to get back to it.

 

I'm ok either way, I can live in a small place with him as long as we're together. We both have small apartments right now and he doesn't ahve a lot of money but we're happy so that is what matters, I think. Money doesn't buy happiness, as his marriage shows.

[herenow]

She told them right away that he was having an affair. And his kids were destroyed by that information. He wanted to tell them that the marriage was falling apart but she insisted on telling them the 'truth' because she felt 'lying' tot hem was wrong. And she hurt her kids in the process. MM was devasted by this.

 

Sorry honey, MM did what he did and that is the truth that hurt the kids. His wife told them the truth. Had he not had his affairs, the kids would not be hurt by them. That is fact and there is no way ti spin it. MM hurt his kids by his actions.

[Drseussgrrl]

Um - no. HE hurt his kids with this information. HE CHEATED. And how was she to explain away your presence in their lives?

 

Please stop making her out to be the bad person here Rosie. Please.

[rosieisblue]

So, are you saying he wasn't ready to get a divorce and she forced it?

 

He was trying to take things slowly, do counseling, let her and the kids down slowly and she just rushed to a lawyer and shoved divorce papers at him. And kept demanding he sign while he was trying to make is a soft landing for the kids. He wanted a divorce but wanted to take it slowlyl. Then she went nuts and he was ready. So she delivered them to him and they've filed.

[herenow]

Sure, but she hasn't done anything for over seven years, just sat at home complaining while he worked his butt off to get up the ladder. And now she wants him to take care of her for the rest of her life? She can't be serious. She's in her 40's, she has 20 years left before retirement, she is educated and had a career before so I would think she'd want to get back to it.

 

I'm ok either way, I can live in a small place with him as long as we're together. We both have small apartments right now and he doesn't ahve a lot of money but we're happy so that is what matters, I think. Money doesn't buy happiness, as his marriage shows.

 

I though you said she was going to get a job. You also said he felt it would be good for her to work. Which is it? I'm am getting confused by your inconsistencies. BTW, didn't she spend time taking care of those kids they have.

[herenow]

He was trying to take things slowly, do counseling, let her and the kids down slowly and she just rushed to a lawyer and shoved divorce papers at him. And kept demanding he sign while he was trying to make is a soft landing for the kids. He wanted a divorce but wanted to take it slowlyl. Then she went nuts and he was ready. So she delivered them to him and they've filed.

 

Good for her. She took her life into her own hands. Why should she let him have time to "take things slowly"? It's is her life too she wanted out, so she made it happen.

[Alice2012]

He was trying to take things slowly, do counseling, let her and the kids down slowly and she just rushed to a lawyer and shoved divorce papers at him. And kept demanding he sign while he was trying to make is a soft landing for the kids. He wanted a divorce but wanted to take it slowlyl. Then she went nuts and he was ready. So she delivered them to him and they've filed.

 

In other words, he wanted to cake eat.

[herenow]

In other words, he wanted to cake eat.

 

With frosting.

[Drseussgrrl]

I love how everything surrounding this MM is all about his wants, his needs, his timing.

[Alice2012]

With frosting.

 

Little does Rosie know, her MM would still be "in the process of divorcing" two years from now had his wife not gotten the ball rolling.

[rosieisblue]

So much for taking thing slowly and allowing them time to adjust.

 

We are taking it slowly. We're not moving in tomorrow, we're talking about it happening sometime down the line, when the kids are more calm and everyone is ok with things.

[rosieisblue]

"Plus, she's kind of a dinner party queen and has lots of friends so she isn't sitting home alone."

 

Does saying things like this to yourself make you feel better and able to sleep at night?

 

Not at all but I do know that she has a very active social life, has some very high profile friends who are there for her and she's out a lot. She has a grea tlife, really, no money worries for now, loads of friends, her kids, a great home. She can achieve a lot with that.

[rosieisblue]

Of course he would have moved in with you. Once again, you are a sure thing. It's very easy for him. No chance of rejection and instant attention all the time.

 

No, we wanted to be together, all the time. We BOTH wanted this. We were in love ver quickly after we met and we couldn't stay away from one another. Even after she found out, during those three days when he went home each night, we were in touch all day and could not bear the thought of not seeing each other. So if i hadn't still been living with my bf he would have moved in with me. But i had to play it out with my bf and make sure that this is what I wanted. And I do.

[rosieisblue]

Yup, so now you have a scared man who makes a habit out of doing whatever he needs to do to feel better about himself. You also have a man who was forced into a divorce he wasn't ready for (your own words in a previous post). What choice does he have but to run to you and do whatever it takes to keep you around?

 

He is the one who wanted divorce but he wanted to take it slow so the kids weren't so upset. She's the one who pushed it and told the kids it was divorce. There was no way he was going back-she humiliated him by telling his family about his cheating with me and their friends as well-but he wanted to do it the right way. She did not. She wanted to embarrass him and make him pay.

[Alice2012]

We are taking it slowly. We're not moving in tomorrow, we're talking about it happening sometime down the line, when the kids are more calm and everyone is ok with things.

 

 

Regardless of how much he tells you he doesn't want his wife, your MM man's ego is bruised and his actions make it very obvious. His wife doesn't want him anymore. He would still be with her had she not kicked him to the curb. There was no letting everyone down easy - they ALL say that when they don't plan to leave. He was forced out and you "won" him by default.

 

He will most likely propose to you even before the divorce is final because now he needs to save face, especially with his wife.

 

You're being used.

[rosieisblue]

But you were the 'one of the many', who achieved the breakup.

 

The oldest son in particular, will always know he was uprooted - and w different surroundings, and their father isn't with them. Not because of prev affairs, but because of you.

 

I was the one he fell in love with. The others were him trying to find what he was missing but he didn't find it until he met me. I was the key and he was the key for me. I knew I wasn't happy with my bf but wasn't sure what to do until I met MM. Then it was clear...go for real love, not settling for what is there. I think it was the same for both of us.

 

HIs son is very angry but he is a lot like his mother, very tempermental. HIs other one is more like him, laid back and goes along with things. He's the one I met last weekend. Very sweet kid and even looks like MM! The other one looks like his mother, but better looking.

[Alice2012]

I was the one he fell in love with. The others were him trying to find what he was missing but he didn't find it until he met me. I was the key and he was the key for me. I knew I wasn't happy with my bf but wasn't sure what to do until I met MM. Then it was clear...go for real love, not settling for what is there. I think it was the same for both of us.

 

HIs son is very angry but he is a lot like his mother, very tempermental. HIs other one is more like him, laid back and goes along with things. He's the one I met last weekend. Very sweet kid and even looks like MM! The other one looks like his mother, but better looking.

 

Rosie - if you spoke with all his OW, you would see that he was "in love" with them too. You happen to be the OW he was with when he got caught and his wife kicked him to the curb.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie - you'd better get on some pretty good birth control or make sure he gets a vasectomy right away. Once you have a kid or two, you will be his STBX-wife at some point.

 

How exhausted I feel for you and I don't even know you. You won't be able to gain a pound, have a bad day or put your child before your man child. A true Super Woman you will be required to become.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I am on birth control and am not having children for a few years. He doesn't need a vasectomy because I won't get pregnant until I'm ready.

 

And I won't gain a pound because i work out all the time, jog regularly, go to the gym (he joins me now) and generally take very good care of myself. He's not a man child, he's a man who needed love and found it.

[herenow]

He is the one who wanted divorce but he wanted to take it slow so the kids weren't so upset. She's the one who pushed it and told the kids it was divorce. There was no way he was going back-she humiliated him by telling his family about his cheating with me and their friends as well-but he wanted to do it the right way. She did not. She wanted to embarrass him and make him pay.

 

Why is that her fault? He is the one who cheated. If he is embarrassed and humiliated by what he did, how is that not his own fault? How could he possibly "do it the right way" when he cheated for so many years of their marriage. Doing it the "right way" would have been getting a divorce first and then dating. No matter what the BW did, he was wrong and now he is paying for his actions. It is his own fault in every way, 100%, no doubt about it!!!

[herenow]

I was the one he fell in love with. The others were him trying to find what he was missing but he didn't find it until he met me. I was the key and he was the key for me. I knew I wasn't happy with my bf but wasn't sure what to do until I met MM. Then it was clear...go for real love, not settling for what is there. I think it was the same for both of us.

 

HIs son is very angry but he is a lot like his mother, very tempermental. HIs other one is more like him, laid back and goes along with things. He's the one I met last weekend. Very sweet kid and even looks like MM! The other one looks like his mother, but better looking.

 

What do you want to bet had she kicked him out and filed years ago, the love of his life would have been whatever woman he was cheating with at the time?

[MissBee]

He can be alone. he was alone for six weeks while he waited for me, with only seeing me at work and for maybe a quick dinner before i went home to my bf. He saw his kids, spent some time in the home but realized he hated being there and was grateful that when he went over to the see the kids a lot of times she went out for the night and he didn't have to deal with her.

I don't think being alone for 6 weeks counts as being alone....I thought you were going to say, he was alone for 6 years or something, but a month and a week??? That is hardly anything and doesn't disprove the fact that he is a man who can't be alone. Being alone while also seeing you for a quick dinner? That doesn't count IMO. He is going from marriage to affair to hopping into another supposed commitment...that is not someone who seems to like being alone. And a 6 week period where he sees his OW for dinner and she goes home doesn't count.

 

He was done, that's the thing. The marriage was over for him. I appreciate all that you say but while i am young I am aware of what I'm getting into. The divorce is messy but that will pass. The kids will eventually come around. and while I'm the other woman it wasn't for very long, just a few short months before she found out and he was free and he has been clear since then that he doesn't want his marriage, he wants me. His parents did this as well. HIs mother was the other woman and his parents have been together for 40 years so he knows that it can work.

Well I suppose he and his dad may have the same issues.

 

I do want children but not right now. Maybe in five years, when my career is established. By then everyone will be settled into their new lives and it won't be a big upheaval for the kids. One will be grown and the other nearly grown so they'll be off doing their own thing so it shouldn't be such a big thing. And hopefully his wife will have found someone else and won't be bothered by the new family.

 

And in a way I am better for him. I am learning from her mistakes and know that I can be the woman he needs, the woman who will make him happy. Sometimes, I think, people get married too young and their needs change over time and they aren't able to meet them for each other and it's best to split and find the person that meets their current needs, not their needs from the past.

 

This is the most troubling part. Every time I hear anyone, single or A, measure their relationship against the person's ex...it spells trouble! How can you learn from HER mistakes? I'm sorry this doesn't make sense to me. That's like me dating some guy now and he tells me why he broke up with his alst woman and I'm hell bent on learning from her mistakes. I personally don't want a relationship with a man that I feel I am what he needs to make him happy. I want a man who is happy and fulfilled within himself who sees me as an addition to what he already has. Not his savior, not his happiness machine, and certainly not the foil against his ex-wife. That puts a lot of pressure on you as well to always try to make sure you're better than her and to always try to make him happy. Then when he isn't...which one fine day he won't be...you will blame yourself, wrongfully. Even when you have a husband or wife, life sometimes gets hard, you're not always happy and if you are unhappy within yourself, you could have the best partner, it won't cure you.

 

We've done reality. It's not all parties with us. We have quiet nights in with cooking and just hanging out and watching tv. We meet with friends, we jog and bike and do fun things together and when problems arise because of his wife and kids we talk it through and work it out. We TALK. And we are good friends. And that's what is going to make this work.

Jogging, biking, watching tv, and cooking...fun things as you said are part of reality. But the fun part of reality. My ex and I did all that and more..we still weren't a good match for the long haul. Hopefully you guys have primary values in common and not just common interests. You should also probably go to couple's counseling to get some tools to help you in the future.

 

He knows he made bad decisions in his marriage but he is determined to never do it again. It happened because they weren't well suited, they're into different things, they were probably good at the start but THEY are the ones that had things rocked when real life hit because they didn't meet each other's needs.

And how do you know when real life hit you'll meet his needs?? Again...the example you give of why you are a match is because you jog, meet friends, cook together and talk about problems. You can do that with ANYONE and I am sure when he was dating his wife, they could do those things too. You're hell bent on making it about her and them not being a match...but downplaying the fact that maybe he contributes to it by not dealing with problems well.

 

 

I meet his needs and he adores that I am so loving towards him because he missed it for so long. It's sad to see a man of his age needy like a little boy but I can see hat he hasn't been loved in a long time and he needs it badly. And I love him so much so can give him all of that.

 

How long have you been together? I hope you realize that you are still a novelty....you haven't been together for years and years with kids and life, so it is not at all surprising that it's great now. You do realize in EVERY relationship, it is like this right? As for a grown man being needy like a little boy.... That is a red flag to me frankly. My dad for example is a serial cheating man-child who I'm sure seems so needy to his OW who are only too glad to nurture him and his issues smh. Of course he loves that you're loving and adoring...who wouldn't??? I'm sorry...any man, especially a needy man-child would!

 

Responses bolded.

 

Anyway Rosie...I wish you the best, yet I cannot help but see so many red flags in your situation. I would be remiss if I didn't point them out. However, you are enamored with this man and may have to learn for yourself. If we're wrong, then I'd be very happy that I read the signs wrong. If we are right, hopefully, you wake up to it before you start having babies with him.

[rosieisblue]

Oh Rosie - if you only saw all the posts I've seen on various betrayed spouse message boards about the STBX and ex-husbands. They all try to bed the "evil and unattractive" ex-wives, even long after the divorce. Especially the MM who were kicked to the curb like your MM.

 

She may have kicked him out but he was on his way out anyway. He just wanted to do it his way, to make it easy for everyone but when she found out about me that all changed. He would never have stayed with her, though, and no way would he sleep with her. She grosses himout.

[Alice2012]

She may have kicked him out but he was on his way out anyway. He just wanted to do it his way, to make it easy for everyone but when she found out about me that all changed. He would never have stayed with her, though, and no way would he sleep with her. She grosses himout.

 

It's easy to see why he chose you.