Where do I go from here?

[Iamnowlost]

We have had a very rough relationship for the 25 years I have been with my wife.

Basically she would just coast along in her own world, happy as a lark, but I wanted more.

I wanted her to take part in the relationship. I made most of the decisions, I did not really want to but she wouldn't so I had to.

I wanted to marry and have a partner to walk side by side with me, but she always took the back seat.

I suggested she see a therapist so she could take ownership of her life. That didn't work.

We have no kids.

Over the years I have been an a-hole and I got angrier and angrier.

I would yell, I put a few holes in the wall, broke a few things, never touched her. All that would do is make her withdraw from me.

I pushed for her to take part so hard that I pushed her away. It has been pretty bad for the last few years.

I have talked of divorce a few times thinking if she saw our marriage ending, she would step up to the plate. Of course that didn't work.

We went to a social worker/marriage consoler, for the first 2 weeks things got better, then I got angry over something stupid and that was it she stopped trying. After 6 visits the MC suggested we both take anti depressants to take the edge off so we can try to work this out.

That turned off my wife and now she is really leaving me.

I know that if we would work together we could have a great marriage. We can't seem to get on the same page.

Since she told me she wants a divorce (2 weeks ago) I said OK and I have been keeping it cool. Not trying to stop her.

Now she is looking for apartments and I know she met someone from the internet over the last 2 weeks and she actually went on a lunch date with him. She doesn't know that I know.

I don't want this to end. I love her.

But now that I found out she is starting to move on for real I am having a hard time playing it casual.

I want to tell her what I feel.

I don't want her to leave and that we should keep trying to make this work.

I have always been the emotional one in this marriage.

What do I do now?

 

We started on a blind date. She was 18 and a virgin, I was 24 and not.

We dated for 7 years then got married. I lived in Florida and she lived in NY for 3 of those years and we made it work. She would come down and visit once a month. When she graduated college she moved to Florida and we lived together for 1 year then got married.

I own a small retail store she came to work with me instead of following a career. Since 1993 we have been together every day working and at home. She has become like my right hand. I took on the daddy role being older and more experienced. I was put and fell into that position and then she would rebel against me. I keep asking her for more then she had to give. She was content to live that way, I should have left well enough alone but I wanted more and now I have nothing.

Wow I really messed up.

I don't want to start over. Get this, we have had it hard, working 6-7 days a week for 20 years with little to no vacation time. In 2 more years we would be able to step back and start to enjoy our hard work. We did this 6-7 day a week thing so we could have it easier at a younger age. At this point we would still have to work but our retirement money is now pretty much set if we stay together. Its like we are about complete the clime to the top of the mountain and quite just before we get there.

[Radu]

What's more important, money or being happy ?

[Iamnowlost]

What's more important, money or being happy ?

The "right answer" is happiness but I think it takes both.

RANT

I read that I should stay aloof and make it easy for her. No confrontations and such.

I want to talk, to her I want to tell her to give us more time. I will not renew the lease and close the store in December. Then we can go on vacation and try to make us work.

I want to suggest she leave the store and get a job to give us some space instead of leaving the marriage.

I am just now facing the reality of this and boy does it hurt. I am 50 years old and I don't want anyone but her. I don't want to start over. I love her.

You can't always have what you want. I keep thinking there has to be something I can do. There is no magic pill.

I have to try one more time.

I guess I can't make it worse. If she went on a date then she has already left, right?