Could LDR have some mental problem or what?

[sorethumb]

New to this site but, seems the best place to find answers from those familiar with LDR's. I'll try to be brief in describing the awful outcome of our first meeting.

 

We've been communicating by email, text, phone, the usual ways for several months. Met online and really hit it off, seemed like we were soulmates and were making plans for future together following initial meeting. I finally got to travel to where he lives and everything was beyond great and we were really into each other, everything was so perfect.

 

He has a very large dog that came into the house covered in mud and jumped all over me and while I didn't get upset I did ask that he put the dog out and that if I lived with him, I wouldn't want those long white hairs all over the house. He didn't remove the dog and the next morning avoided coming near me, I could tell he was upset. We parted without so much as a goodbye.

 

I got home and emailed him about it and he replied that he wasn't angry at me but that we are through, no explanation.

 

I feel like an idiot now, duped, wasting time with an LDR that ends over some insignificant grievance on my part. How does someone go from 'you're just the woman I've been looking for' to...it's over? Could this be due to some underlying mental problem? He also refuses to speak with me about us, only to send an email wishing me future success so, it's over and he could care less.

 

Has anyone encountered this type behavior before and what does it mean?

[d'Arthez]

You were not what he wanted you to be. He probably has a list of hundreds of potential deal breakers, and you just ran into one of them - he may also use it as a convenient excuse for all the other "flaws" he noticed.

 

It may not feel like it now, but you dodged a bullet there. Can you imagine how wonderful this would have been if you had moved in together by that point?

 

Forget about the guy. He probably has way too unrealistic expectations of you or any other woman for that matter.

[sorethumb]

Then why did he tell me we were 'perfect together', that I was the 'woman he'd been looking for for so long'? That's what makes me think maybe it's some personality defect or something that would allow a person to just discard someone the way he did me.

[d'Arthez]

Probably the infatuation. It is easy to think of someone as perfect as long as you have not met, and spent time together in various different situations. After all, you only get to see part of the life of a person.

 

If you meet a person, and they share seven or eight characteristics with you, the way our mind works is to assume that the other person shares a lot of characteristics with us, even though we have no evidence to back that up (it is a well-known bias, that shows up in psychological research time and again).

 

It is not you, the issue is him. It is one thing to feel that you cannot work out, but to be discarded in the style you were is really rude and showing of little class.

[sorethumb]

What struck me as strangest of all is that he said he had a previous girlfriend who complained constantly and was always miserable and yet, he stayed with her for several years until she left him one day. My personality is the opposite of what he described as hers.

 

He turned so cold, it was as if he were two different people.

[HeavenOrHell]

I understand where he's coming from, he loves his dog and he needs any partner of his to love his dog too. How could you have lived together if you couldn't stand dog hairs?!

 

I'd feel the same as him; love me, love my dog/cat/bird whatever. I wouldn't date someone who wouldn't tolerate my animal/s, part of their appeal would be that they would like my animals, even just tolerating them wouldn't be enough. It's something very important.

 

You making it clear you wouldn't tolerate dog hairs is not an insignificant grievance to him, or wanting the dog out, not like he's going to get rid of his dog for you if you'd lived together, why should he, sounds like the dog was just being friendly, not like he was aggressive.

 

However he should have told his dog to not jump up at you when he was covered in mud, and he should have explained to you why he didn't want to continue with the relationship.

 

He said you're the woman he's been looking for *before* you met/before you said what you said about his dog.

 

Reiterates my point about no-one can tell how well they will get on until they actually meet.

 

New to this site but, seems the best place to find answers from those familiar with LDR's. I'll try to be brief in describing the awful outcome of our first meeting.

 

We've been communicating by email, text, phone, the usual ways for several months. Met online and really hit it off, seemed like we were soulmates and were making plans for future together following initial meeting. I finally got to travel to where he lives and everything was beyond great and we were really into each other, everything was so perfect.

 

He has a very large dog that came into the house covered in mud and jumped all over me and while I didn't get upset I did ask that he put the dog out and that if I lived with him, I wouldn't want those long white hairs all over the house. He didn't remove the dog and the next morning avoided coming near me, I could tell he was upset. We parted without so much as a goodbye.

 

I got home and emailed him about it and he replied that he wasn't angry at me but that we are through, no explanation.

 

I feel like an idiot now, duped, wasting time with an LDR that ends over some insignificant grievance on my part. How does someone go from 'you're just the woman I've been looking for' to...it's over? Could this be due to some underlying mental problem? He also refuses to speak with me about us, only to send an email wishing me future success so, it's over and he could care less.

 

Has anyone encountered this type behavior before and what does it mean?

[d'Arthez]

What struck me as strangest of all is that he said he had a previous girlfriend who complained constantly and was always miserable and yet, he stayed with her for several years until she left him one day. My personality is the opposite of what he described as hers.

 

Part of it may be projecting the relationship issues on his ex. I am sure the ex had a few flaws. Undoubtedly however, he has contributed to some of the problems he had in the relationship with her - and that is the part that people often conveniently leave out.

[sorethumb]

I think I'll just stay single, this is just too depressing.

[LittleTiger]

No he doesn't have a mental problem, he has a problem getting into a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't feel the way he does about dogs.

 

I love animals and I wouldn't/couldn't live with someone who didn't feel the same way. I currently have two cats. They leave hairs all over the place - it doesn't bother me at all and the hairs are easy to vacuum up.

 

I was in a similar situation to you when I met my LDR partner - we talked online for two months before we met and we hit it off straight away. Luckily for me he loves animals and my cats sleeping on the bed and leaving hairs everywhere is not a issue for him.

 

Had I detected at any point during our first meeting that this was going to be an issue he would have been history from that moment on - no matter how wonderful he was in every other way.

 

I agree with HOH. He should have given you a little more explanation but, other than that, his behaviour was completely 'normal' for a dog/animal lover.

[d'Arthez]

Not all guys are like that (I hope , I am one).

 

Some people have issues. Not all people do. You just happened to run into one.

 

 

His dog may be important to him, but his showing / lack of explanation hints at other real red flags. Chalk it up to experience.

Edited June 2, 2012 by d'Arthez

[LittleTiger]

I think I'll just stay single, this is just too depressing.

 

What is depressing?

 

You met a guy online who turned out not to be compatible with you. C'est la vie. "Next!"

[sorethumb]

Well, for those replying to me that it was because I'm not an animal lover, you're wrong. I own horses (they smell bad and shed), I have cats (litter boxes can stink if not kept clean) and surprise! I own three dogs BUT, I do not allow my house to be covered in hair so that when you walk or sit down the hairs fly all over the place.

 

My question was regarding an immediate, physical, non-verbal response to dumping me like a hot piece of coal which doesn't seem normal to me unless someone can provide an explanation. The muddy dog could've been put outside, problem solved and it's not a good enough reason to suddenly, rudely dismiss someone from your life since most animal owners due tend to their living spaces in healthy ways.

[darkmoon]

"if I lived with him, I wouldn't want those long white hairs all over the house."

 

you were only in an LDR, but jumped to discussing living with him, possibly with a very clear lack of compliance, could even be taken as a demand

 

no more dog lovers, is my two cents, he's was already in love with his mutt

[LittleTiger]

Well, for those replying to me that it was because I'm not an animal lover, you're wrong. I own horses (they smell bad and shed), I have cats (litter boxes can stink if not kept clean) and surprise! I own three dogs BUT, I do not allow my house to be covered in hair so that when you walk or sit down the hairs fly all over the place.

 

My question was regarding an immediate, physical, non-verbal response to dumping me like a hot piece of coal which doesn't seem normal to me unless someone can provide an explanation. The muddy dog could've been put outside, problem solved and it's not a good enough reason to suddenly, rudely dismiss someone from your life since most animal owners due tend to their living spaces in healthy ways.

 

"He has a very large dog that came into the house covered in mud and jumped all over me and while I didn't get upset I did ask that he put the dog out and that if I lived with him, I wouldn't want those long white hairs all over the house".

 

The way you phrased this, it sounds as though you were upset (whether you admit it or not). It also sounds critical and demanding to me!

 

What were your non-verbal signals when you were saying this? You clearly disapproved of the dogs behaviour, the hairs everywhere and the fact that he apparently refused to put it outside.

 

It seems to me that you gave very clear signals, verbally, if not also non-verbally, that none of this was acceptable to you.

 

He was understandably upset. If someone had done that to me, I would have tried to make a joke of it but still been quite annoyed. You may indeed love animals and have lots of them, but you clearly don't have the same 'rules' regarding them. I think his behaviour was rude because he was annoyed with you.

 

It's a mismatch. Forget it and move on.

[d'Arthez]

He was understandably upset. If someone had done that to me, I would have tried to make a joke of it but still been quite annoyed. You may indeed love animals and have lots of them, but you clearly don't have the same 'rules' regarding them. I think his behaviour was rude because he was annoyed with you.

He hoisted an expectation on OP (namely that such behavior was normal, else they probably would have discussed it). Which is a very common thing to do in LDRs.

 

He felt it was a non-negotiable, and proceeded to act like a child (not even saying goodbye, come on) after that - those are major red flags. I don't see where the OP was in the wrong. He definitely believes OP is in the wrong, but that is because he imagined that OP would respond in a certain way to his dog jumping her.

 

Chalk it up to experience OP. Nothing you could have done about it, since everything can be a potential dealbreaker. That is why in general it is a good idea to meet soon in the LDR. Less time to form an idealized image of your SO that way, and the sooner you can discover such incompatibilities.

[sorethumb]

I have to wonder, at what point, you'd consider the hygiene of your home environment to be unacceptable. Just because we have pets doesn't mean we allow our homes to become hazardous to our health, that's not responsible pet ownership, not healthy for people or pets. I've been inside the home of a woman who owned birds, cockatiels, and there were droppings everywhere since they flew freely about, that okay? Didn't bother her, she was a bird lover.

 

I'm not an ogre, I don't get physical with people so, there were no non-verbal gestures, just a request.

[LittleTiger]

He felt it was a non-negotiable' date=' and proceeded to act like a child (not even saying goodbye, come on) after that - those are major red flags. I don't see where the OP was in the wrong. He definitely believes OP is in the wrong, but that is because he imagined that OP would respond in a certain way to his dog jumping her.[/quote']

 

I agree his behaviour was a little extreme but she hardly knows the guy so anything he did shouldn't really be that much of a shock.

 

I don't believe the OP did anything 'wrong'. She behaved in a manner that was true to herself and her beliefs and values - nothing wrong with that at all. The problem is that this guy has different values to her and he wasn't impressed with how she responded negatively to what he clearly considers normal in his home.

 

If you want to criticise someone for the way their dog behaves and for having a house covered in dog hairs - especially someone you hardly know - you have to be prepared to take the backlash. The same goes for making demands on how things will be when you move in together - on what was effectively a first date!

 

Just because there is a mismatch in values etc doesn't mean the guy has a mental problem. This is just a case of different values and different ways of communicating.

[d'Arthez]

Just because there is a mismatch in values etc doesn't mean the guy has a mental problem. This is just a case of different values and different ways of communicating.

The dog issue itself does not point to a mental problem. The way he responded afterwards, including not even bothering with saying goodbye, nor even providing a basic explanation, does point to some serious issues though.

[LittleTiger]

I have to wonder, at what point, you'd consider the hygiene of your home environment to be unacceptable. Just because we have pets doesn't mean we allow our homes to become hazardous to our health, that's not responsible pet ownership, not healthy for people or pets. I've been inside the home of a woman who owned birds, cockatiels, and there were droppings everywhere since they flew freely about, that okay? Didn't bother her, she was a bird lover.

 

I'm not an ogre, I don't get physical with people so, there were no non-verbal gestures, just a request.

 

With all respect, you don't have to wonder any such thing because we have never met and the hygiene level of my home environment doesn't concern you.

 

However, to illustrate my point, my home is perfectly clean and hygienic (cats are very clean animals as you probably know) but I have no problem with cat hairs on my clothes or on the carpets - it can't be avoided with two thick coated cats. My guy's house is also clean. He also has a cat, as well as a dog which is washed when it gets muddy and is allowed to sit on his knee on the sofa and to sleep on his bed. He doesn't worry about a few dogs hairs here and there.

 

Those are 'our' values. We don't expect anybody else to like them or to live with them but they work for us.

 

The lady with the bird droppings in her house? No, that wouldn't be okay with me - but it's not my house and I'm not planning to live there so I wouldn't consider it my business to comment...... and this is where your problem is.

 

This guy has one set of values concerning animal behaviour, discipline and hygeine in the home - you have another. You spent months talking to him online etc and developed a false sense of intimacy. Consequently, when you met in real life, you felt it was acceptable to criticise him - because that is exactly what you did. You told him his house was unclean and you asked him to put his dog outside because you didn't like the way it was behaving or the fact that it was muddy.

 

If your values and rules concerning animals are different, that's fine - you can even believe your own values to be right and his to be wrong - but you can't expect to go into someone's house, someone you don't really know, and start to criticise them or tell them that 'things will have to change'. Actually you can, but you can't be surprised if that person gets a little upset about it.

 

You may not be a physical person and you may not have made any non-verbal 'gestures', but you would undoubtedly have been giving off non-verbal signals because most of human communication is non-verbal. Whatever words you used, he got the message that you disapproved of him - loud and clear.

[LittleTiger]

The dog issue itself does not point to a mental problem. The way he responded afterwards' date=' including not even bothering with saying goodbye, nor even providing a basic explanation, does point to some serious issues though.[/quote']

 

I think it points to immaturity and an inability to deal appropriately with what was probably a very uncomfortable situation for him.

 

A girl he barely knows and thinks he is in love with and, no doubt, is hoping to impress, comes into his home for the first time and proceeds to criticise him, his behaviour, his dog's behaviour and the cleanliness of his home, and then tells him if he wants to live with her then he will have to change (his behaviour, his dogs behaviour, his hygiene in the home).

 

That would be a tough situation for anyone to handle, even for a socially skilled, mature adult with a tonne of relationships under their belt. He got scared and bolted that's all. Not a very 'grown up' response but not, in my opinion, a sign of a mental problem.

[usps68057]

Sorethumb, I can understand not wanting to be jumped on by a muddy dog. It's not fun for anyone. Depending on how you responded to the situation, may be what set him off. I love animals, but I also train my animals to behave.

I like you just ended a LDR. She ended it. It's been on and off with us for 2 years now.Both ending it at various times.

LDR are not easy. as many have said already, you don't know how you would handle being with someone, until your with them.

My now-Ex-Fiance, and I were great on the phone, and had a lot of fun to begin with. Then she decided to move out of her dad's and in with me. I didn't have a problem with that. The problem came when she decided to leave me for her other ex-fiance.

So, Forget that guy. Believe me, I am starting to listen to my friends. I am better off with out her. And taking my days off work to do what I enjoy doing, and mrs. right will just happen. It may be close to home, it may be 1,500 miles away. You never know. But you can't get hung up on one person. HE obviously doesn't want a relationship with you. As my friend told me "NO CONTACT". good advice.