Advice?

[Heather]

Okay I know I am always saying what a good relationship I have but its not doing that great.

 

Well here it goes My finace' used to have a problem with Marijuana, well we both did it and everything was cool until he started getting in trouble alot because of it. I quit because of my daughter and also I am pregnant. Well back in July he went to jail for a month until I had enough money to bail him out. When he got out everything was going great. He said the most important thing to him was myself and the kids and that he wouldn't touch it anymore. Well he didn't for awhile and was doing really good! Then his old friends(if you want to call them that) came back around and he relasped. Well he talked me into letting him do it every once in a while. Then that lead to buying it every once in a while. Now I said it has to stop because he is getting out of hand. Well he got mad at me.

 

Now on the other hand our relationship was doing really good until he started making this habit a priority. It is starting to drive me crazy. We are broke, and yet he still wants to buy it. I know there is only so much that I can do. He has got to want to stop. What do I do if he doesn't want to. I do not want to lose him because I love him and we have a family and have been together for a long time now. I don't want him to go back to jail and that is what is going to happen if he doesn't stop. We don't talk about things anymore, we don't have sex anymore (I think that is because we have busy schedules and I am tired a lot.) Please don't tell me to just leave him because that is my very very last resort. I know he loves me too and he tells me I am more important but than why can't he stop?!!! Please help

 

thanks

 

Heather

[Heather]

He just called me and appologized for getting mad and agreed that we need to talk. I know that most of you are going to think that there are other reasons why we don't have sex anymore but there isn't. The fact is Im pregnant, tired, feel fat, and just have no energy. I don't think that has anything to do with it. He has a problem and I need help with dealing with it! Since noone has posted a reply yet I will see what everyone has to say tomorrow. I will also let everyone know how our little talk went.

 

Thanks in advance for your help!

 

Heather

Okay I know I am always saying what a good relationship I have but its not doing that great.

 

Well here it goes My finace' used to have a problem with Marijuana, well we both did it and everything was cool until he started getting in trouble alot because of it. I quit because of my daughter and also I am pregnant. Well back in July he went to jail for a month until I had enough money to bail him out. When he got out everything was going great. He said the most important thing to him was myself and the kids and that he wouldn't touch it anymore. Well he didn't for awhile and was doing really good! Then his old friends(if you want to call them that) came back around and he relasped. Well he talked me into letting him do it every once in a while. Then that lead to buying it every once in a while. Now I said it has to stop because he is getting out of hand. Well he got mad at me. Now on the other hand our relationship was doing really good until he started making this habit a priority. It is starting to drive me crazy. We are broke, and yet he still wants to buy it. I know there is only so much that I can do. He has got to want to stop. What do I do if he doesn't want to. I do not want to lose him because I love him and we have a family and have been together for a long time now. I don't want him to go back to jail and that is what is going to happen if he doesn't stop. We don't talk about things anymore, we don't have sex anymore (I think that is because we have busy schedules and I am tired a lot.) Please don't tell me to just leave him because that is my very very last resort. I know he loves me too and he tells me I am more important but than why can't he stop?!!! Please help thanks Heather

[star]

heather,

 

unfortunately, i know some good friends who smoked weed..and eventually they stopped caring about school and their jobs. they stopped caring about doing anything but relaxing and getting high, so first of all, you have to ask yourself if you really want to put up with a husband who might turn like that. i would recommend you and your fiancee both goto counseling, but then again, you said you were broke..and that might not be a possibility.

 

I would tell you that the best but hardest thing to do is to leave him, and that you can find better guys out there. but if you're not ready to, then you need to try to make it work out. you said you have a daughter and a baby on the way. what type of father do you want for your children? besides their mother, their father will be a big influence on their lives, and what they learn.

 

Think about yourself and your children. if you want to make a change, you need to sit down and have a talk with him. you have to firmly tell him that you want to make your relationship work out, but that you won't tolerate him smoking. and that if he thinks you're more important, then he will be willing to get help. there are various toll-free numbers and anonymous non-profit agencies in most areas that can help with people get off drugs/weed.

 

don't accept "oh i'll only smoke once in a while" as a good enough answer.

 

You're compromising by choosing to stay with him. that's enough on your part. he needs to completely stop smoking..that should be his compromise for you.

 

keep us updated on how thhings are going..

 

star

Okay I know I am always saying what a good relationship I have but its not doing that great.

 

Well here it goes My finace' used to have a problem with Marijuana, well we both did it and everything was cool until he started getting in trouble alot because of it. I quit because of my daughter and also I am pregnant. Well back in July he went to jail for a month until I had enough money to bail him out. When he got out everything was going great. He said the most important thing to him was myself and the kids and that he wouldn't touch it anymore. Well he didn't for awhile and was doing really good! Then his old friends(if you want to call them that) came back around and he relasped. Well he talked me into letting him do it every once in a while. Then that lead to buying it every once in a while. Now I said it has to stop because he is getting out of hand. Well he got mad at me. Now on the other hand our relationship was doing really good until he started making this habit a priority. It is starting to drive me crazy. We are broke, and yet he still wants to buy it. I know there is only so much that I can do. He has got to want to stop. What do I do if he doesn't want to. I do not want to lose him because I love him and we have a family and have been together for a long time now. I don't want him to go back to jail and that is what is going to happen if he doesn't stop. We don't talk about things anymore, we don't have sex anymore (I think that is because we have busy schedules and I am tired a lot.) Please don't tell me to just leave him because that is my very very last resort. I know he loves me too and he tells me I am more important but than why can't he stop?!!! Please help thanks Heather

[star]

i replied and then i saw you had just posted this message..i was off 3 min.

 

i was thinking about you being pregnant..tired..lacking energy, etc. maybe he's smoking because he's stressed out by your pregnancy to? i'm glad he apologized and agreed to talk, that's a step in the right direction.

 

especially since you're pregnant..you must be going thru a rough time. maybe you two just need to spend some relaxing time together and get things off your mind..spend relaxing evenings together alone..maybe bring some romance into the relationship..and it might make him feel better..and he might cut back on the smoking..

 

worth a try

 

star

He just called me and appologized for getting mad and agreed that we need to talk. I know that most of you are going to think that there are other reasons why we don't have sex anymore but there isn't. The fact is Im pregnant, tired, feel fat, and just have no energy. I don't think that has anything to do with it. He has a problem and I need help with dealing with it! Since noone has posted a reply yet I will see what everyone has to say tomorrow. I will also let everyone know how our little talk went. Thanks in advance for your help! Heather

[Tony T]

Ok, you want to stay with someone who is irresponsible, who risks going back to jail, and thinks more of his own selfish desires than providing for his family. That's your right.

 

If you find sometime when he shows signs of being weak and actually expresses that he cares just a tiny bit, tell him he can show that by geting involved with Narcotics Annonymous or some other twelve step program for recovery of his addiction.

 

You can find links to this program in the links tab of the home page of this site. Look under addictions and recovery.

[Heather]

We had a good long talk last night and he said that he is going to get into a program and he wants me to go with him. I agreed to that because I want to help him and I want to support him in getting better. I think he is very serious about this. He even cried to me, that we (me and the children) are more important to him than anything. And he does not want to go back to jail! He is very stressed out (we both are!) not just about the pregnancy but our financial situation. We live with his mother so that makes things alot worse.

 

I am not going to leave him. Well that is my last resort, because him and I have been through alot worse! I was only 16 when I had my daughter, and am only 18 now. As for our sex life, I think it is going to get alot better too!

 

I will keep everyone updated on how things are going.

 

Thanks very much for your support!

 

Heather

i replied and then i saw you had just posted this message..i was off 3 min. i was thinking about you being pregnant..tired..lacking energy, etc. maybe he's smoking because he's stressed out by your pregnancy to? i'm glad he apologized and agreed to talk, that's a step in the right direction. especially since you're pregnant..you must be going thru a rough time. maybe you two just need to spend some relaxing time together and get things off your mind..spend relaxing evenings together alone..maybe bring some romance into the relationship..and it might make him feel better..and he might cut back on the smoking.. worth a try star

[Heather]

Tony thank you for your input. But he is not irresponsible, and he does provide for us. He works 8 hours a day everyday. His problem is he is sick. He has a problem, and after we talked last night he is ready to get better. I am going to be there for him and support him all the way. I know how some people can look at this situation and say the best thing to do is leave, because you are not the only person who has told me that. Him and I have been through alot worse and I hope we can get through this. I think things are going to get better, and appologized about a million times last night for getting mad at me yesterday.

 

Thank you very much for your advice.

 

Heather

Ok, you want to stay with someone who is irresponsible, who risks going back to jail, and thinks more of his own selfish desires than providing for his family. That's your right. If you find sometime when he shows signs of being weak and actually expresses that he cares just a tiny bit, tell him he can show that by geting involved with Narcotics Annonymous or some other twelve step program for recovery of his addiction. You can find links to this program in the links tab of the home page of this site. Look under addictions and recovery.