Paisleyxoxo Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Hello. I have been married to a man with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction for 10 years. When we were dating, he swore that once we get married and living together, we would have more frequent sex and the sexual problems would be solved. I was naive and inexperienced so I married him. The first yer of our marriage we had sex every day since I woul initiate. It was over very quickly and I was left very unsatisfied. Once I started to express my dissatisfaction, he started to avoid sex completely. He started to blame me by telling me that I was too horny, that I was too demanding. He told me that while I may be attractive on the outside, my sexual openness was unattractive. I found out later that he had been sexually abused as a child. He had also been raised in a third world country that believes that women should not experience sexual pleasure. We tried sex counseling, marriage therapy, Viagra, cialis.... All short fixes. He shows no interest in pleasing me or making our sex life better. This has caused a lot of resentment and loneliness in our marriage. I have expressed to him hundreds of times how much the lack of sex and intimacy is affecting me, but he makes no effort to change. He has had a bottle of viagra in his closet for 4 years now and has only taken it a few times. I cant live like this anymore! I resent him so much that im not sure that i could ever love him again. I would divorce him in a heartbeat if we did not have three children. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. He is a very difficult person to deal with besides the sexual problems. He is very argumentative and selfish. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Paisleyxoxo Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 I just wanted to add that I feel horribly guilty breaking up my kids home due to my own sexual intimacy needs. This is why I have stayed so long. I am very confused as to what to do. I feel lik I have waste my youth and have become terribly depressed since my emotional and sexual needs have not been met. My mother stayed in an unhappy marriage which le to several suicide attempts. I fear to be old and miserable like her one day. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Tell him that you feel very unhappy in the bedroom and if things don't change, if he doesn't make more effort and also go see a sex therapist (maybe more counselling with you as well) then you two can either consider an open marriage or divorce. You can't stay together if you're this unhappy and building resentments towards him. That's an unhealthy atmosphere for your children and trust me, they WILL pick up on that resentment between you two. Kids aren't stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Paisleyxoxo Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Thanks for your reply. I have told him many times. I even told him I am tempted to cheat, and almost cheated. I don't want an open marriage since I know he could never handle it. Nothing has helped. How do I get the guts to file for divorce. I am so scared. Link to post Share on other sites
AussieDad Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Hi Paisleyxoxo, If you have truly tried everything and he won't try and fix things. Just like whichwayisup has said , the kids will pickup on vide between you and hubby and cause more issue's later. I would sit down and give it one last try to communicate with him and if you still hit a brick wall , try a trial separation to give him a shock to his system and remember Kids are resilent little things. My 3 girls have handled my separation well but my STXW wife and I have never used them as tools. They also have never had so much attention in our marriage the they do now that we are split . Individual counciling for you is a must as well to make sure your handling it for your sake and the kids . Good look and you will get some great support from some of the regular posters on here as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Hi and welcome to LS. Divorce is not the end of the world and it happens. If you start proceedings he'll take that much more seriously than anything else. It's tough to face and there will be lots of questions but time is wasting and perhaps being rid of him will give you some freedom to play the field. I don't see three children as the kiss of death and would marry a woman with three kids by someone else if I loved her. Try not to project that no one else will want you because you have children. Good luck whatever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Paisley, I can speak from much experience. I myself have sexual difficulties due to a back injury. My wife knew about this before marriage. She says she was okay with it, but you know how life is. Sometimes intentions aren't everything. Sometimes love isn't all that matters. I don't think she can handle it anymore and Id be lying if I said it didn't play a big part of our separation. She had a few partners before marriage. I didn't. So it's probably not just my ED by itself which causes problems, but the fact that she had a taste of normal sex with a young strapping guy, I'm sure. This is a sad life. There is no solution. I used to think people divorced by choice but now I realized it's sometimes that people get driven to that point. She had to deal with my ED. I had to deal with her domestic violence. It was a bad combination. I don't know what to say about it, or how to feel, or if anyone should even be at fault. If you divorce, it will suck and you might forever lose the person you love. If you stay together, it will also suck because the sex is bad. Hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 If he won't take your needs seriously, and won't attempt to make any changes to make life better for you, then it is your responsibility to make life better for yourself. You say he wouldn't accept an open marriage, but have you asked? Maybe he would prefer that to divorce. I would tell him that having a regular sex life is very important to you, and that either he can start working on making it better, you can start discussing an open marriage, or you will have no choice but to move on. Leave it in his court and see what he says. Or - as far as your question about getting the guts to file, just start taking steps in that direction. Go have a consultation with an attorney so you know what to expect when you do it. Read books about divorce. JOURNAL - it will help you sort through all your feelings. And lastly, take a vacation with a girlfriend or by yourself. Being away from your husband for a week will clear your head and help you know for sure what you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Paisleyxoxo Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Sometimes I pray to God to send me a lover. I really don't want to break up my kids stable home. I have told him many times that I am tempted to cheat, but he ignores me. I'm also afraid of the financial part of divorce. I fear that he will screw me over when it comes to money. He had done a really good job at making it appear like he makes less money than he does. He is an attorney and I fear thr a divorce will leave me with nothing. I am so confused and stressed out. I feel like a bird in a cage. We re starting therapy again on Tuesday. Any advice is welcome. I have to admit that I am very surprised by the replies I have gotten so far. I thought I would get a bunch of replies telling me that I am selfish and a bad mother. A lot of people threads on this forum are advocating staying married and I thought that's what people would tell me to do. I guess this confirms my feelings that no sex in a marriage is a deal breaker! Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 I'm also afraid of the financial part of divorce. I fear that he will screw me over when it comes to money. He had done a really good job at making it appear like he makes less money than he does. He is an attorney and I fear thr a divorce will leave me with nothing. These are EXACTLY the questions that would be answered by consulting with an attorney. He will let you know what to expect financially, with custody, and what your options are. I highly suggest doing this very soon... it really does help. I guess this confirms my feelings that no sex in a marriage is a deal breaker! It's not about sex. It's about one partner having needs that are very important and the other not caring to even try to work on meeting them in any way. And yes, that's a dealbreaker! Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Sometimes I pray to God to send me a lover. I really don't want to break up my kids stable home. I have told him many times that I am tempted to cheat, but he ignores me. I'm also afraid of the financial part of divorce. I fear that he will screw me over when it comes to money. He had done a really good job at making it appear like he makes less money than he does. He is an attorney and I fear thr a divorce will leave me with nothing. I am so confused and stressed out. I feel like a bird in a cage. We re starting therapy again on Tuesday. Any advice is welcome. I have to admit that I am very surprised by the replies I have gotten so far. I thought I would get a bunch of replies telling me that I am selfish and a bad mother. A lot of people threads on this forum are advocating staying married and I thought that's what people would tell me to do. I guess this confirms my feelings that no sex in a marriage is a deal breaker! Serve him papers even if you don't plan on going through with the divorce. He is not taking you seriously in more ways than one and official documents have a way of making things real and inescapable. If he's any kind of decent guy he'll try to make amends. If he's a hopeless fool he'll just act up in which case perhaps you should go through with it. You are projecting that because he is a lawyer he'll out fox you and leave you without support but that is only a projection. He will be bound by law just like everyone else. And a lawyer's salary is more apt to have so fat in it compared to other jobs. Be brave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Paisleyxoxo Posted June 7, 2012 Author Share Posted June 7, 2012 Our ten year anniversary is coming up. He thinks that I am waiting to file for divorce after that do I get more alimony. Last January I talked to an attorney and decided to file. I told my dad and he had a talk with him. He cried and begged and said he would change, but 6 months later and things have gotten worse The truth is that even when he does make an effort to hug me or kiss me, I cringe. Just knowing that it may eventually lead to sex and it will be such a horrible experience, makes me not want to get close to him. I also am so turned off by the years of rejection and dismissal. I feel like telling him to "**** off". I am full of rage towards him. Im not sure how to turn back from the years of rejection. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 7, 2012 Share Posted June 7, 2012 Our ten year anniversary is coming up. He thinks that I am waiting to file for divorce after that do I get more alimony. Last January I talked to an attorney and decided to file. I told my dad and he had a talk with him. He cried and begged and said he would change, but 6 months later and things have gotten worse See if he really wanted to work on his ED, he wouldnt wait until you threatened divorce to say he wanted to work on it. He most likely never will change, because he doesnt want to. Years of rejection can kill your attraction, its very hard to go back unless he wants to genuinely try. but he doesnt, which is why you cringe, you know by his actions that he really doesnt want to. Time to get out of this for real, and dont worry about what he does afterwards. BTW, prepare for him to retaliate against you when you do file. Since he was so fast to blame you for being too horny.... but you have to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Paisleyxoxo, Do not mistake my comments as advice for you to divorce him. I was just agreeing that life is hard sometimes and there isn't always an answer. Plenty of people stay with a spouse who has sexual dysfunction. But it sounds like it's not doable for you. There are no clear answers. In my case, my wife knew about my ED problem before marriage. I didn't want to trick her. I've tried to make her happy and, for example, give her alternate forms of pleasure when it's difficult. But sometimes she just wants straightup sex and the kind that can go on a long time with multiples. As much ad I desire that, I am not able to. She would rage at me and I felt so bad because what the hell can I possibly do? She even said she was tempted to cheat--and she might have for all I know. Don't assume that your husband isn't trying. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have ED? Imagine having a vagina that occasionally just didn't open, lol. I mean wouldnt that be horrendous? And how would you feel if your husband raged and couldn't accept you? You need to think about thes things. Link to post Share on other sites
HHC Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Is sex even the issue?? Or is it merely yet another issue that is the last straw for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Paisleyxoxo Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 (edited) There are many other issues that I might have been more tolerant of had we been having regular sex. I feel like sex is the glue that holds couples together. He is very emotionally manipulative and abusive. He has never been there for me. He is a bully. He is a self absorbed workaholic. If I confide in him about something he might use it against me when it is to his advantage. He doesnt show me appreciation. He loves to argue and will lie so he could be right. He has blames me for his sexual problems and our marital problems. He ignores me. He is cold and self centered. He has a huge ego. He doesn't take responsibility for anything. Al bundy is a role model of his. I can go on and on. I can admit that he has some good qualities that have kept me with him, besides the fear of leaving. He is a good provider. He spends time with our kids. He doesn't hold grudges. He is faithful. I am so grateful for this forum. This has been such a difficult time for me. I really appreciate your feedback. Xoxo Edited June 8, 2012 by Paisleyxoxo Typo Link to post Share on other sites
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