Guy I'm dating shared bed with another girl

[cheshire_cat]

The guy I have been dating (5 months - almost 6) went on vacation two weeks ago for a long weekend with a group of friends to the beach. I have heard numerous stories from this trip, know all the people that were there, etc.

 

Monday night he and I were at a bar with two other guy friends of his. One I know (S), the other I've met in passing (J). S was at the beach with them part of the time as well. They start telling stories about the trip and S pulls up a picture on is phone of two of the girls that were there. Both of which I've met but he was just showing me photos of them as point of reference to the stories. The guy I am dating feels this is the oppurtun time to tell me that he shared a bed with one of the girls while they were there, "she" got drunk and attempted to "groped him and hook up with him."

 

I was livid! I sat there in silence for 3 or 4 minutes. Everyone could tell I was not happy. S finally asked me if I am mad at him to which I say "No." Guy I am dating says "She's mad at me." I decide it is time for me to leave. I tell them I am going home. I say goodbye to S and J. I tell the guy I am dating to stay, finish his beer. He says if I am leaving then so is he. I tell again to stay, finish his drink, I would prefer to go home alone.

 

I leave and he of course follows me out. I tell him to go back in. He stands in front of me to block me from leaving. He says that his is a flirty person and people hit on him all the time (I am well aware of this). Tells me nothing happened, he likes me too much for that to happen, etc. He says the only reason he told me them was because he didn't want me to hear it from someone else. I eventually go back inside, finish my beer and we go back to his place. Once we are there I tell him I don't appreciate him making me look like an ass in front of his friends. Again nothing happened, blah, blah, blah.

 

I wake up the next morning sober and pissed off again. His hand was on my back and it literally made my skin crawl. I got up and went to the living room to collect my stuff. He follows me and asks me why I am "storming out." He tries to convice me to stay and work from his apartment. He had surgery last week and wanted me to stay and "help him." As I'm leaving I'm told him I'm sure he can find someone else to help him with that. He attempted to text me last night (to see if I was still mad I'm sure) to which I gave a rather curt response to and he hasn't contacted me since.

 

Now, honestly with the way these people (aka his friends) operate...they all crash at each others houses, sleep on couches, party, get drunk, etc I'm not surprised that at some point during the weekend beds were shared in the condo. But whenever he has had people crash with him (aka any girls) or he's stayed at some else's house he has 1) immediately told me about...like within minutes of them arriving at his place or the next day, 2) never shared a bed with just a girl (that I am aware of) and 3) never said anyone of them attempted anything sexual. The fact that he didn't tell me immediately raises a huge red flag to me.

 

I try not to discuss my relationship with friends or family so only my best friend knows what happened. I guess I just really want more people to validate my feelings and to tell me this is bull$hit.

[WonderKid]

I think you did the right thing imo. Leaving him.

 

You're not out crashing in other guy's house sharing beds with them. So why is it okay for him? Doesn't matter what his habits are. He knows he is with you so he shouldn't do that regardless.

Good job!

[Leigh 87]

You were totally right, the way you went about it. Just because he knows he would not cheat, it is still not acceptable behaviour in a relationship...

 

 

Some people on here will tell you he surely cheated, or at least liked the attention.... Ignore them. NO ONE on here know what truly happened. He could have done nothing, and be totally into you.

 

Even if he is totally into you, which he may or may not be ( no one online can tell this), you should tell him that you need space. Tell him if he agrees to boundaries, you will take him back if he wants you badly enough.

 

He has lots of other girls chasing him. Let him come to you, if he wants you badly enough. Make it CLEAR that he hurt you, and you need time away from him.

If he is that crazy about you, he will do anythiing to get you back.

 

 

 

If it were me - I would explain very simply " look, you crossed a line, I do not want you sharing beds with females EVER, please think about how your actions hurt me.

... If you think things through, and agree to no engage in behaviour that is unaccaptable to me, and really feel that you want me back in your life - call me. But please think about what you did - it really hurt me, a person you apparently care about".

[Thornton]

I would dump him. Saying he's "a flirty person" isn't an excuse for cheating. He obviously isn't drawing clear boundaries with other women. He should have made it clear to these women that he has a girlfriend, should have rejected any initial advances and nipped it in the bud before it even got to the point where someone tried to get in bed with him.

 

When it happened, he should have immediately got out of bed and told her to back off, then got away from her and told you as soon as he saw you. He probably wouldn't have told you at all if his friends hadn't mentioned these girls and he was afraid they'd snitch on him.

[PegNosePete]

If you believe this story about sharing a bed and nothing happening, then I have a bridge to sell you!

[RiverRunning]

oh lord. "Babe, you know I'm hot, chicks hit on me ALL the time." lolololol. Comic GOLD right there. I'm not laughing at you, OP - I feel sorry that this jerk has done this to you - but I am LAUGHING at the absurdity of this guy's comments.

 

Shared a bed, nothing happened...and he decided the opportune time to tell you this was in front of other people? That adds yet another layer of humiliation to the story: making something he KNEW would upset you into a spectacle for his buddies to watch unfold. He could not have seriously thought that you would be okay hearing, "Shared a bed with a chick, she made a pass at me."

 

Dump his butt. For good.

 

IMO, it's rare that you can find a guy who brags about 'all the women who are after him' who actually treats women with respect and won't cheat. Seriously. I know plenty of guys who are smoking hot but I would NEVER hear such words come out of their mouths: either they're too humble to admit that they could have just about any woman, or they have a very level-headed view of themselves outside of their looks. And, surprisingly or not, those are the guys who are most loyal, most faithful.

 

If a guy has to brag about all the girls who are after him and how often he's hit on, it's a bad sign, imo. He's letting you know that he's got other opportunities. And, possibly, grooming you for half-truths: i.e., he really slept with the girl, but he'll tell you she made a pass and he turned it away or something. It's believable though, right? Because so many girls hit on him.

[CarboniteCammy]

First off, I agree with the poster that said basically that you will never know what happened. He could have cheated. He may not have cheated. It's kind of like the old X-files quip: "The Truth is Out There."

 

Secondly, I think that the way he handled the situation was incredibly poor indeed. Telling you in front of his friends was his way of trying to forgo having a big scene about it. He figured, "Well, if I tell her in public, she won't be able to make a fuss about it and she'll look rude if she up and leaves."

 

He has probably used that tactic before on other girlfriends.

 

It sounds like he has an issue with his ego, too. His mom probably told him he was handsome too many times, and it's gone to his head. ;-)

 

In my mind, men use the excuse, "Oh, I'm just flirty," to excuse poor behavior. He's probably not ready for a girlfriend in the sense that it would require him to stop messing around with other girls and being on the look out for his next easy hook up.

 

However, he DOES want the perks that come with a girlfriend: being taken care of when sick, always having someone to lean on when you need it, having someone come and pick up your apartment and help clean, having someone to go to movies with...etc.

 

BUuuuut you usually can't have both... you can't really have someone who is willing to take care of you like a wife who basically allows you to have your way with other women. I personally am not capable of that. I'm too jealous.

 

I would not waste my time on this dude. There are other guys out there who LOVE committment and who won't undermine you and make you feel like you're something special because they graced you with their presence. Please. He's no different then any other piece of male meat.

[veggirl]

If he REALLY cared about you knowing the truth from HIM and not someone else, he would have told you as soon as he got home, in PRIVATE. Telling you in public was totally inappropriate, he did it because a) he figured you wouldn't cause a scene in public and b) he was scared his friend was about to out him!!! I bet if he his friend never pulled out those pictures, you would NEVER have known!

 

Plus, I would bet that you are getting "trickle truth". First it's "she tried to grope me" and then it's "we cuddled" then "well we kissed once" so on and so forth.

 

I would dump him.

[cheshire_cat]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the feedback. Those who say he is to immature/wants the "girlfriend" without actually having a "girlfriend" are correct. We are both 31 years old but he acts like he is in college still as do most of his friends. I've even had one of his best friends tell me that this guy "respects the H*ll out of me." I find that sad...if this is him "respecting me" I would hate to think what he has done to previous girlfriends.

 

While I truly don't think they had "sex" in the purest sense of the word, I do believe something more than her just hitting on him occurred. To what degree...I have no clue. We talked for an hour or so after I posted this Wednesday night. He apologized again, told me nothing happened, and basically said I needed to believe him and let it go if we were going to continue to date. Which he is correct on. I just haven't decided what I am going to do yet. I have avoided seeing him for the past week. I was busy for most of last week until yesterday. We've texted a few times (all initiated by him) but that is it. At this point I know he is waiting for me to call him but I refuse. Perhaps that is immature but I still can't get over it and honestly don't know that I can.

[veggirl]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the feedback. Those who say he is to immature/wants the "girlfriend" without actually having a "girlfriend" are correct. We are both 31 years old but he acts like he is in college still as do most of his friends. I've even had one of his best friends tell me that this guy "respects the H*ll out of me." I find that sad...if this is him "respecting me" I would hate to think what he has done to previous girlfriends.

 

While I truly don't think they had "sex" in the purest sense of the word, I do believe something more than her just hitting on him occurred. To what degree...I have no clue. We talked for an hour or so after I posted this Wednesday night. He apologized again, told me nothing happened, and basically said I needed to believe him and let it go if we were going to continue to date. Which he is correct on. I just haven't decided what I am going to do yet. I have avoided seeing him for the past week. I was busy for most of last week until yesterday. We've texted a few times (all initiated by him) but that is it. At this point I know he is waiting for me to call him but I refuse. Perhaps that is immature but I still can't get over it and honestly don't know that I can.

 

As long as you are with him, you will wonder if you know the truth. You will wonder if you know what really happened.

 

And what happens next time he goes on a trip with friends? You'll be a nervous wreck, wondering what he is doing and who is in his BED with him.

 

It's not immature that you can't get over this--I wouldn't be able to either! You can't force yourself to and you shouldn't try to force it. A 31 yr old overgrown frat boy...blah I'd just leave.

[cheshire_cat]

As long as you are with him, you will wonder if you know the truth. You will wonder if you know what really happened.

 

And what happens next time he goes on a trip with friends? You'll be a nervous wreck, wondering what he is doing and who is in his BED with him.

 

It's not immature that you can't get over this--I wouldn't be able to either! You can't force yourself to and you shouldn't try to force it. A 31 yr old overgrown frat boy...blah I'd just leave.

 

And you are exactly right...I was worried while he was on the trip. The bad thing is (and I told him this) is that I had a feeling something like this was going to happen. I even told my best friend that I felt like something was going to end up happening. He went on two beach trips on back to back weekends. The second trip he told me immediately once he got back that he share a bed with the aforementioned best friend and another girl. Which I didn't even bat an eye at. I know them both and there is not even a doubt in my mind that nothing happened there. He ALWAYS has told me when random people stay at his apt or whatever. Heck he normally calls me the night of to tell me they are there. And I can say every time he has told me these instances they always pan out to be true. The fact that he waited until other people were bringing up these two girls to tell me something happened gives me serious concern. It's very unlike him to not share that info right off the bat.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Did he invite you to go with them on this trip? Also, kudos to you; you handled it fine.

[cheshire_cat]

Did he invite you to go with them on this trip? Also, kudos to you; you handled it fine.

 

To answer your question, yes he did invite me. I didn't have a ticket to the music fetival he and his friends were going to see but he did ask me several times if I wanted to come down there and just hang out with them and if I did then he said I would have a place to stay. I told him I didn't want to drive down there alone because I did have to work on Friday (they left Thursday) and he even suggested me to follow a friend of his that was leaving Friday as well.