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what's 180?


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1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

 

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don't schedule dates together.

 

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…with out them!

 

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

 

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

 

Its a set of guidelines that helps a lot of people. Read them all, but pick and choose what works for your situation because there is no perfect fit for everyone.

 

It can help you through the hard times though, keep you pointed in the right direction (which is often against your instincts). Take what you can use, mold and adapt it and don't be afraid to change things as your situation changes.

 

TOJAZ

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Snowflower

OP, the 180 approach might work in the situation you have described with your husband (on your other thread) but remember, there is no guarantee that the 180 will work.

 

The best thing about the 180, IMO, is that it gives the spouse who is being left behind (you :() the tools to go forward alone if that is what ultimately happens.

 

It's not easy because it is so counter-intuitive. However, the 180 can make you feel and appear less desperate.

 

The 180 might cause your husband to reevaluate his decision, or he might not. Either way, it is a win-win for you because if nothing else it gives you the tools to better emotionally handle your situation whether he returns or stays away. It gives you some of your power back which is very important!

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funnykitty28

I feel in my heart this may be it, but everyone keeps saying he will come back, they just cant believe it. So if he does, how do you look pass what he has put me and our kids through? How do ever trust him again and how do I not hold resentment. I am starting to think this is the best thing he has ever done for me, cause I am learning I do deserve better. Only way I can take him back is if he begs and promises to change and knows that he doesnt want to be with out me.

But it's still hard, to see him at drop off's, I love him soooo much and just want to cry to think I have to do this all over again, I have to learn to trust someone all over again. I didn't want to go through this again

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Snowflower
I feel in my heart this may be it, but everyone keeps saying he will come back, they just cant believe it. So if he does, how do you look pass what he has put me and our kids through? How do ever trust him again and how do I not hold resentment. I am starting to think this is the best thing he has ever done for me, cause I am learning I do deserve better. Only way I can take him back is if he begs and promises to change and knows that he doesnt want to be with out me.

But it's still hard, to see him at drop off's, I love him soooo much and just want to cry to think I have to do this all over again, I have to learn to trust someone all over again. I didn't want to go through this again

 

I am pretty surprised that everyone is saying he will come back! That seems to be different than most people's experience with this type of situation. Seems like most of the time, other people in your life are telling a left-behind spouse to dump him and move on!

 

Thing is, you don't have to take him back if you feel in your heart (as you say :love:) it is likely over for you. He broke his promises and let you down big time. I admire your strength in coming to this point. Who cares what other people say...if you are "done" with the situation then you are done.

Edited by Snowflower
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