tiki Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 I have a four year old son that has the last name of my ex-husband (and myself). I can't help but the thought of him not understanding when my last name has to change when I remarry. The father is active in his life (and I'm sure he always will be). I'm struggling with this. As a child at 6, my mother remarried and my friends always asked why her last name was different than mine. I struggled a little, but nothing significant. I know I don't want to keep my ex husband's last name when I remarry...and I won't change my son's name by any means. Any recommendations? I feel sad for my son. Link to post Share on other sites
koala bear Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Things are different now everyone has different last names.When my 1st child was born I was not married to his father yet. We were to young. I had issues about it but as I looked around everyone has families with different last names and fathers and everything and now people don't even ask. But I think it is best if the father is involed, aspiecally if the father is not living with the child to leave the name so he always has something from his father. I am 25 and I think your son will be fine. GOOD LUCK WITH NEW HUSBAND!!! Link to post Share on other sites
msrealdoll Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 I agree with koala bear. In this day and age of 50% divorce rates, this is not really an issue any more. So many kids have different last names than their parents. There are often more than 2 last names within a family. Different dads, half siblings, step-kids, etc. Just explain it to him. He'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 well, you aren't oblidged to change it, are you? Can't you just add the name of you husband after the name of his father? I understand that it may sound weird, but if you really care about this, than it means you don't want to erase the importance on the father etc etc, therefore keep his family name. I thinkthis is nice way to honour them both. In the end, you should do exactly as you see fit, acting upon what you believe in, tiki! Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 I've never had the same last name as my children. Interestingly, they understand that my last name is different - the people who have problems with it are all narrow-minded adults. Find a way to include your son in the ceremony so somehow he feels a part of your new marriage and family. Kids understand different races, different religions, different languages - this is just another difference that makes your family unique. Celebrate it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted June 29, 2004 Share Posted June 29, 2004 I know how you feel. After I divorced, I changed from my first husband's last name to my maiden name. Then when I married again, I didn't change my name, but kept my maiden name. That way, my daughter still had a different last name, but we all had a different name. My husband had his last name, I had my maiden name, and my daughter had her father's last name (my 1st husband's name). I felt like this kept her from feeling like she wasnt' part of the family, with everyone else having the same last name but her. It get's a little confusing at times having 3 last names, but it's been fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted June 30, 2004 Author Share Posted June 30, 2004 Originally posted by brashgal Find a way to include your son in the ceremony so somehow he feels a part of your new marriage and family. He will not be at the marriage ceremony...nor anyone else for that matter. We plan to wed in on the beach in Hawai'i and honeymoon thereafter. Link to post Share on other sites
XCorvidophiliaX Posted June 30, 2004 Share Posted June 30, 2004 I would say if your sons father is still actively in his life there is no reason whatsoever for changing his last name. Kids are very adaptable they will understand if they have a different last name especially because he has the same last name as a loving member of his family-his dad. If you really want to make sure that your decision is the best, make sure you ask your new husband and your son's father in the process. I like the idea of making his name hyphenated only if it is okay with everyone involved. MOST IMPORTANTLY, discuss all the plans with your son, maybe he doesn't want to change his last name and wouldn't care if you do because it wouldn't really be a big issue to him, he has better things to worry about like playing in the dirt and learning how to read. Link to post Share on other sites
soccorsilly Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 At age 4 is should begin to be able to understand the complexities. Just explain that when a lady gets married, she usually changes her name to the last name of the husband. That really should do it! Now, as for the suggestion of hyphenating your son's last name---NO WAY! I do not know of the situation regarding your divorce, but if my ex wife ever tried to legally change the last name of my children, I would have her in court faster than you could blink an eye! We divorced VERY amicably, and her new hubby is a great guy. However, the FACT is that he is not their father and NEVER will be their father. Unless he, at some point adopts your son, his name should be out of your son's picture. FYI, I share custody of my kids with my ex 50-50 and am extremely involved in thier lives. I would think that taking the name away from them was robbing them of a gift that was given to them by their dad. If a dad is uninvolved or uninterested, that may be a different story--but that is not the case you described. Kids are resilliant. when I divorced and mine were 3, 5, and 8 and we are all fine now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted July 1, 2004 Author Share Posted July 1, 2004 Thanks to ALL of you guys for your input. I know I couldn't ever change his name, and wouldn't want to. I just wanted to have him understand why my last name would be different. I think he'll be fine. =) Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
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