Low Self Esteem, depression?

[Itiger]

My first post here... Not sure where to start... But I need a place to talk it out.

 

Im currently going through "working out" phase of relationship after fiancee's infidelity. To make it short, he had issues with being alone while on business trip, and made many women friends that he hid from me. Once I found out, it's been a long road.. Many new discoveries about him. He swore multiple times he had never slept with any one of them. After several months apart, we both decided we want to work it out.. So here I am now, trying to make it work.

 

But every infidelity comes with a lot more than just reestablishinlg the relationship. I started having serious issues with low self esteem, low motivation. I had never suffered from depression and don't know what it is like; however, I'm seriously thinking I might be having one now.

 

He still goes on business trips. It's 3 weeks away, 2 weeks home. It should be ending in August. For now, the only times I feel somewhat happy and satisfied is when he is at home. As soon as he leaves, I have crazy thoughts going thru my mind.. I lose all interest in life, constantly complain about everything.. I am happy one minute, an hour later I'm crying. I feel like I'm not worth anything good, I'm not deserving to be in the relationship with. I am fairly attractive, fit 26 year old female. I get compliments all the time. I feel ok in public when I'm alone, but not with him. I feel judged by him. Since he had made friendships with good looking women, he wants them, and not me, I'm not good enough, or I dont have something they do. He constantly tells me otherwise, he says he regrets his mistakes deeply, and I am everything he wants. He tells me this every day, but I still don't believe. He has planned a trip to Europe this summer where both of our families live. He has been understanding and supporting of how I feel, he has changed his behavior in a positive way and stopped all contacts with them, but it's not enough for me..

 

At this point, I don't think it's about him.. It's about me. I have to become that strong, independent, smiling girl I was. But I wake up every day with negative thoughts. I'm scared of being rejected, being alone, or something similar. Please any advise on how to start to feel better about myself and where to get motivation from.

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi Itiger and welcome to LS. You are definitely on good footing in questioning yourself about your intensities as opposed to just blaming and making excuses like so many other people do. Taking responsibility for one's own feelings and actions is an admirable trait. If you truly feel at a loss to will away pattern thinking and feeling that gets you down and causes self doubt there has never been a better time than now to reach out for help. I did and I'm glad I did although I could have just remained bitter that I made a terrible relationship choice. I had insurance through my employer and started seeing a psychologist. I didn't feel it was helping me much so I went the next step and saw a psychiatrist and started educating myself on how my chemistry works and I realized that I couldn't reason myself out of my patterns until I made some intelligent effort to change my chemistry. Traditionally people have self-medicated over the eons with all manner of substances but now there are transparent medicines that instead of just making you feel good for the moment, allow you clarity to decide what to feel and in what proportion. That is my experience and I'm not saying that this is the only way to deal with the complexities of emotions that come with imperfect or quirky/shaky relationships. But there's no negatives in it a far as I'm concerned and I don't regret my taking the steps I did to right myself so I could move on with dignity and cease replaying the old negatives. It's there for the taking though if one wants to get serious and not think it's all a matter of will power. It's not. It's all real drama that registers chemically in our guts, hearts and nerves. Good luck whatever you decide.