Lies, Deceit and Emotional detachment...

[MaxG]

Hey Loveshack

 

Some history, Im 29 and my gf is 25, we met 10 months ago, and she was really outgoing and seemed to be the girl that needed guys to validate her, totally not my type. We had a 1 on 1 chat for a bit and I noticed that she was actually the opposite, just trying to fit in. So we got chatting and since we are based in 2 diff cities we started a long distance relationship 9 months ago. I fly up every weekend to see her, ( i know that her finances dont permit her to fly to me so its not an issue for me, I will do whatever it takes to make this work)

 

So about 5 months ago I found out from a 3rd party that she had slept with my best friend before we started dating, this absolutely crushed me as my ex gf had done the same thing. It felt like deja vu. And I was completely taken aback cos my current girlfriend had 1 previous long term boyfriend and I would never have imagined this. I spoke to her about it and she said that she didnt say anything cos it meant absolutely nothing and she didnt want to mess up what we have. I am still trying to make peace with this but its so difficult. About a month later I brought it up again and she got so remorseful to the point of getting physically ill for a week. She told me there was more, that she made out with another friend as well. This was becoming too much, Here I was always bragging and telling these guys how amazing my gf is, and they both had physical interaction with her. I felt so betrayed. To make things worse shes always been emotionally detached and can just ignore a situation and pretend like everything is normal. This is totally unnatural to me cos I believe that for a relationship to work you need honesty, trust, respect and absolute communication. We have pushed through these issues, but they are still haunting me, how do I trust, I feel so hurt and I really love her and have given this everything I have.

 

Recently the long distance has been getting to me, and Ive tried talking to her at least 4 times this past week and shes either ignored it completely or told me to toughen up. This really hurts cos when she needs me I drop everything to be there for her, cos the way she feels is my priority.

 

Her friends have also been really nagging her about her being different now and not going out as much. I dont understand why she takes this to heart cos they have proven their 2 faced nature. Its gotten to a point where shes started acting out to prove them wrong, when they are around she treats me like a stranger, shes started going out for drinks again, and I overheard her talking to her best friend about the good old days, when they would go out clubbing and drinking every weekend with her ex. I feel, honestly I dont even know what I feel anymore... Im a confident guy but this is all taking a major toll on me.

 

The last nail in my proverbial coffin came this past weekend, As we are in 2 cities initially the plan was for me to move to her as she was really set in her job. This has changed over time and shes open to new ideas and my job situation has changed so a reversal in roles... I asked if she would consider moving and she just said No... that was the end of that... It upsets me cos I am willing to do whatever it takes for us and she wont even consider or discuss anything that gets her out of her comfort zone.

 

Dont get me wrong she is an amazing person... Guess shes made some bad life choices...

 

Appologies for the life story guys, but just wanted to disclose as much context as possible... I feel so lost, hurt, betrayed and alone... Im starting to question myself... Any advice or critique would help...

[d'Arthez]

What happened in the past happened in the past. Nothing either of you can do will change that. The pasts are part of the package you offer.

 

She does not seem to be ready for a real committed relationship at this point in time. Whether that is because of the influence of her friends, or her unwillingness to compromise is a different matter.

 

I'd say cut your losses.

[PegNosePete]

It sounds as though she is just not as into you, as you are into her. She doesn't seem to value your feelings or your relationship very much.

[GLDheart]

... I will do whatever it takes to make this work...

 

You type that in the present tense. I fear you will stick it out with this girl regardless of any advice. In fact, it seems like you are simply looking for ways to make it all ok.

 

But, it won't be OK. You clearly see what is going on... and has been since the beginning. 2x4 here: If you stay with her, why would you expect anything different?

[Robert P]

You should not care about what she did with those guys. It's sad, but every woman has a past. And no one likes looking at it. So, this is something you should forget. It's not the point here.

 

I'm not sure you can trust her when she stays somehow "physically ill". Women can deceive other people in many ways. They can cry, they can lie, and they can even make you believe that it's all true. Perhaps it is; perhaps it is not.

 

The problem here seems to be that she's staying away from you. She doesn't answer your calls and she's starting to go out a lot. She also doesn't fully respect you.

 

Well, I told you to forget about the guys she had sex with.

 

But you can't forget this kind of stuff. A relationship requires respect. She has to treat you very well in front of her friends. It's not a choice. And she can't stay a long time with answering your calls.

 

What's more, I think (but this is only my opinion) that a commited person shouldn't go out everyday with friends, even if she's not cheating on you. Specially in her case, if she doesn't fully respect you even when you're close, you can imagine what she does and talks when she's drunk at a club with a bunch of female friends...

 

To sum up, you should forget her past (not easy, I know, trust me), make sure she answers your calls and talk to her in order to convince her that she can't go out every single day with her friends, neither get drunk at clubs and parties.

 

Those things may take time. But if you can't achieve then in a few weeks, or if you think from now that you're never gonna get them, perhaps you should consider breaking up.