I initiated the divorce, it was for the best.......but I still love and miss him..???

[Virginia]

I divorced my husband three weeks ago - I really loved him but I just could not be married to the man - he would never compromise or provide any emotional support. There were alot of other issues but I won't go into all that. Before I divorced him we tried to sit down and talk. I told him I truly loved him but our relationship was impossible because the world had to always revolve around him and I felt lost as a person. He devalued me - he didn't love me for me - he loved me for the "wife" role/void he wanted filled.

 

I miss him terribly and wished we could have remained friends. I still love him and think about him every day. We have had no contact since the day of the divorce.

 

I wish I could tell him I still love him and although we couldn't make it work being married I want to be friends. Maybe it's just withdrawals I'm going thru.

 

I have no doubts divorcing him was the right thing to do - I just wish we never got married in the first place. When we were dating things were great - marriage changed everything and he became too controlling, bossy, smothering and nagged me about everything. Too much pressure for me - I couldn't stay married.

 

We'd still be dating if we didn't get married. And I wouldn't mind dating him now but he's very hurt and angry that I divorced him. If I reach out to him he'll lash out - no way I'll ever contact him.

 

Deep down I miss him and still love him. Is this normal after a divorce? There are times I get angry and think "Thank god I divorced him". He said and did some things to me that were evil.

 

How do I stop missing him? Has anyone else who initiated the divorce - felt this way?

[uriel]

Virginia,

 

I think your feelings are normal. Sounds like you were the codependent in this relationship. It can be hard for a codependent to let go -- too much of your emotional routine is wrapped up in you partner's feelings.

 

To let go, you need to do more exploring of your own feelings, not about him, but about yourself. Who were you before the marriage? What were your dreams? What made you feel wonderful? How can you recapture that? Make some solid life plans about how to achieve your goals. Whenever you find yourself missing him, take out your list and do something toward an item on it.

 

As for the relationship with this man, stop telling yourself everything was just fine when you were dating. He was hiding the part of himself he showed you when you two married. That's not uncommon. The married him IS him -- all of him. You don't miss that part, do you? Stick with your resolve to develop an independent, valued life -- one that doesn't revolve around him or depend on his approval.

 

Let him be mad -- maybe he will eventually turn some of that anger inward. Problem with men like him is that they externalize blame far too often / much. Time to let him go and move on.

 

-- uriel

[Karlise13]

I think it's totally normal to feel like you're missing him.

 

He was a huge part of your life at one time! It's not easy finding new ways to fill that void, no matter how welcome your freedom is!

 

Starting over is really scary. Sometimes we're tempted to turn and run back where we came from, just for something familiar!!

 

Hang in there.

Your feelings will evolve and eventually change

[Virginia]

I'm the furthest thing from being codependent. I take care of myself financially and don't need others to fill voids in my life. I wasn't with my exhusband long enough to be codependent I don't think - he yelled at me for not depending on him enough - I always kept a wall up because I knew our relationship wasn't right and I didn't want to be married.

 

I didn't need him financially - just emotionally and that was the last thing he was willing to give me. He withheld that and in return I refused to commit. I wanted a best friend, someone I could trust. Whenever we had problems he'd call up his two sisters and his mother and bash me - I couldn't handle that.

 

Plus he kept attachments to other women (who were married) that I found bizarre. Because I wasn't put first and our relationship and marriage wasn't private and among a million other issues.....I divorced him. If I was codependent I think I'd still be clinging to the marriage hoping he'd change.

 

I just miss him and the good times we shared - we had hoped our relationship would be forever and I did love him. He just ruined it - plus his secret need for porn was something I refused to tolerate in a marriage.

 

Guess it's normal to go thru heartbreak after a divorce. I'll survive and move on. Just needed to go "wahhhhh" to someone.

[uriel]

I don't think "venting" -- as is so common in internet culture these days -- is very productive for you or thoughtful to others. But, I do understand people do it and think it's a legitimate form of emotional expression.

 

Codependency takes many forms. In this case, you've described yourself as a "passive" half of a commitmentphobic relationship. That's why you're having trouble letting go. You might read Steven Carter's He's Scared, She's Scared for more on this. You might also look into Sam Vanknin's writings on narcissism -- sounds like your partner might have had those tendencies.

 

Next time you post looking just to vent and not for advice, you might mention that at the top of your message. It's save anyone else (like me) from investing time in your troubles. You can see how the end of your previous post might have been misleading on this score: "How do I stop missing him? Has anyone else who initiated the divorce - felt this way?"

 

-- uriel

[Virginia]

Uriel, I am so sorry I wasted your time - if you felt this way you didn't have to respond to me and could have moved on to someone else's posting. I think my second posting might have offended you in some way. I was simply clarifying my earlier post because I think you were incorrect in calling me codependent.

 

I appreciate you "advice", you were correct that my ex is narcisstic.

 

Have a nice day.

[oakmontangel1]

I just need some support. I feel awful. Here's the background- My husband was 13 years older than I. (He is 47, I am 34) He was also a widower (for 10 years). He also had 2 kids (18 years of age and 26 years of age) . I was reluctant at first to get involved with him. I had never been married before and I was sketchy about having stepkids,but then I thought since they were older, it wouldn't be so bad. Before we started to date, I asked him if he wanted any more children. He said he would definitely be open to children. He was so good to me. I thought he was my soulmate.

 

We got married last June. Right after the wedding, things got bad. He started to go out with his buddies. He even took weekend vacations with them. All the while I was stuck at home with his 18 yr.old daughter. Since I moved in his house, I had to adjust to his things. But the thing that really hurt me was he kept his dead wife's sweater in our walk in closet. I asked him to just put it away. He wouldn't. The bed we slept in was the same bed/wooden canopy that he slept in with his wife. I begged, whined and CRIED, for him to take down the bed. I even bought a new bed, he refused the delivery. I was crushed. I just wanted to start our new married life right. It was so important to me. I begged with tears at least 15 times for him to just remove the bed. He wouldnt.

 

He said he wasn't sure about having any more children even though he promised otherwise before we married. Then there was his 26 year old son who lived in New York. He constantly came home, even though he lived with his girlfriend in New York. His son decided to come home on Valentines day (w/o his girlfirend!!) . I had planned to make dinner for my husband and I. I had it all worked out--lobster,steak etc..a special dinner using our wedding china .. My husband told me on Valentines day morning----whatever you are cooking make sure you have enough for Jason (his 26 year old son) I hit the roof. Our first Valentines day as a married couple and forget romantic dinner.

 

My husband gets 2 weeks vacation every year. Thats it. He wanted to go to South Dakota. I said fine, never been there, lets go. Well, he called to make reservations for us, and reserved rooms for HIS FRIENDS!!!! I couldn't believe it. I said why do we have to go with your friends, we just got married!!!! He said, "That I better not be a big bitch on the way out, and that WE were not stopping anywhere on the way out to South Dakota either. I was devastated.

 

Since February, everything went down hill. When he came home from work, he wouldn't even talk to me. I felt alone. Where was my blissful first year of marriage?? In April, I suggested Marriage counseling, he said "Why?" In May, I told him that I was thinking about leaving. He begged me to stay--said things will change. A month later, nothing changed. I told him again, that I was considering leaving. He didn't say anything that day or the next. He ignored me. 2 days later, I told him I was leaving, and I left. Now, I just feel so awful.

 

I feel like a failure. I can't believe I am in this predicament. any help would be greatly appreciated. I just need some support.

[uriel]

Yes, I could have ignored that you denied you were asking for advice and seemed ungrateful for the attempt, even though you did ask for it and I responded. But, then you would have stayed in a state of denial about the role you played in a relationship with a narcissist.

 

I myself -- an indepedent, professional woman -- went through the same thing. It's shocking to find how far you've let things gone. You want to assert that you were cheated or fooled and nothing more. But there's work to be done on yourself. There's a reason why you were attracted to and stayed with a man with that emotional makeup.

 

Thus, the readings I've suggested, as a start.

 

-- uriel

[AngelFalls]

Virginia - don't know who Uriel is but YIKES!!! Just ignore people like that - sounds like they sit and think too much.

 

I know how you feel and I'm here to support you - it's normal to feel the loss after a divorce and from what you have posted you sound like a very intelligent, independent woman who married for love, realized it just wouldn't work and because you loved are feeling the loss.

 

Some people on here make no sense whatsoever - just skip over their posts and ignore them. You're a good person - just keep moving forward and pretty soon your heartbreak will end. Just takes time. Best of luck to you!

 

We're here for you.

[uriel]

I am trying to help her, AngelFalls. At issue is that some folks don't want to accept the role they play in their own dysfunction. My feeling was that Virginia was in denial about why she was involved with a man who has these narcissistic tendencies. If she doesn't figure that out, she may get involved with someone like that again. I hope she can avoid that pain and heal from this.

 

I am not blaming Virginia for what happened in her life. Obviously, she's together in many other respects and was wise enough to walk away from a man who was not willing or able to give her what she needed and deserved in return.

 

But, healing is sometimes about insights that don't feel comfortable. There's real emotional work that needs to be done.

 

-- uriel