My dad doesn't like my b/f because he's Jewish

[Enchanted Lilikoi]

I started dating my boyfriend 5 months ago. We hit it off immediately in terms of our chiemistry, interests, life goals, career ambition, family values, financial views, religion/spirituality, and personal values and principles. He is in his late 20s and I am 25. We recently decided to move in together after he proposed the idea 2 weeks ago - he will be moving in with me, because of less complications than me trying to break my lease. The catalyst for this decision was that his current landlord/friend of 2 1/2 years decided he wanted to try living alone, and gave my b/f a 30 day notice. This decision was amicable, as they continue to be friends.

 

The problem is that my dad vehemently opposes to us moving in, which he considers tantamount to marriage, and doesn't like my boyfriend for the large fact that he is Jewish (I am Asian American, raised in the U.S.; my dad was also American raised). My dad never had personal experiences - good or bad - with Jewish people, but holds these god awful stereotypes about them being cheap. Based on this, and seeing what he want to see, he thinks my b/f is cheap and I am setting myself up for an unhappy life on mismatched values in terms of money, and how this will dictate the dynamics of our relationship. He doesn't know my b/f, except for a 3 day weekend visit he and I made up to my parents'. My father is straight out of "Meet the Parents" and prides himself on the ability to read people to the "T", as he likes to think.

 

I was secure and very happy until the point my dad started to meddle in my love life when I shared with him a few weeks back that my b/f and I will be living together. I can't tell my reality, from my dad's reality, from NORMAL reality. Everything's convoluted, and I don't know what the sane thing is.

 

Here's my story. I consider myself a responsible, well-rounded, ambitious person who loves life. I earned my Master's degree, have close ties to my family, had a good job, and was always level-headed about my relationships. I've had many small relationships and 2 relatively important ones. By far, my current b/f is the most special and someone I can see myself marrying eventually. My b/f is similar to me. He runs his own business which covers the costs of living and doesn't take much of his time. He needs a challenge and steadier income, so is considering a full-time job or pursuing his MBA. Prior to opeining shop, he worked in respectable positions with large tech companies. Part of my admiration for him stems from him being so responsible with his life, finances (saving towards a home) and close relationship with his loving family. He's had 1 significant relationship and many other lesser ones, but like me, feels that he has found me to be the ONE for him. We view moving in together as a test to see if we are further compatible with the understanding that this is all it is - living together. Marriage for both of us are years off.

 

The major problem is that my dad, who is normally progessive & open-minded, disapproves of my b/f and our living together. I want his support. My b/f and I want our relationship to succeed or fail because it was our success of failure, and not because of family's or others' interference. My dad recently completed a nasty divorce to my mom of 25 years, during which she drained him financially and left 2 kids for him to raise. He is skeptical of people's intentions, especially when it relates to love because this is when people are most vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

 

My dad and b/f met for the first time for a weekend visit to my dad's, during which my dad believed he figured out my boyfriend from 2 days of observations. My dad has been bombarding me with alarming e-mails and phone calls about his opposition based on these reasons:

 

1. My b/f is Jewish, which makes him inherently cheap and selfish. He believes that I will cry about is later for not being treated "lovingly." The only example my dad had to go on was from a dinner he invited us out to. He was offended that when it came time to pay the bill, my boyfriend handed out the dinner mints and handed the check over to my dad. My b/f had shared with me that prior to our trip, he had talked at length with his friends about whether or not to pay the check. They all advised not to because this may offend any father and "steal his thunder", especially at a first time meeting.

 

2. My dad thinks our children will be dwarfs. My boyfriend happens to be the tallest in his family. All his siblings and parents hover around 5'-5'3". I'm 5'5". He thinks that should we get married and have children, that the liklihood of having dwarfs are high. He wants me to think about my happiness and well being trying to raise dwarf children, when it is already difficult to raise "normal" ones till age of 18. WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!? The clinical definition of a dwarf is 4'11" and below. My dad likes to use dramatism and exageration to get his point across. He thinks everything about my b/f from his demeanor to appearance annoy him. Well EUREKA! I'm the one with him, not my dad, thankfully.

 

3. He thinks my b/f is obsessed with me. Yes, we do spend alot of time together, and my boyfriend gives me ALOT of attention. It is, however, attention I feel comfortable with. It would be a different story if I were alarmed. We enjoy giving one another attention and spend alot of time together, which was one of the factor that made moving in together seem like a reasonable step. My dad prides himself in being able to read a person's body language, especially from the first handshake. He works for the government, but is by all means no CIA agent. He's been pretty accurate with mine and my sister's boyfriends and friends in the past in terms of their character and motives. Then again, I question how much of that was his reality and that I gave in to that. I feel that at some point, LIKE NOW, I would like to live my life and choose whom I want to love. I trust myself that I won't pull a Bennifer. I'm much more reasonable and responsible about my life, and of course, want my family's blessing as a consideration.

 

4. This says it all folks in an e-mail my dad wrote me this morning:

 

"...Usually the girl moves to a guy's place, so again the modus operandi seems to fit my perception of him. Next step will be for you to pay his way through school. I am not surprised if he is reading your e-mails becuase he seems to a control freak. I have him figured out. All I needed was 2 days to observe. So here goes, a message for _____ if you're reading this: Give my daughter the space and privacy that all yound, independent women of the 21st century need. Treat her nice and don't be a Jew with your money. I once told her about grasshoppers and ants. She told me you're an ant. If you're storing all your money for future things like a home and car, and not using some to smell the roses now, then you're not an ant. That behavior is more cold and robotic in nature. I know my daughter would not go for something like that. So lighten up, lower your ego, and don't you dare take advantage of my daughter's kindness. Oh yeah, thanks for "dinner". Next time pass me the dinner mints and YOU pay the bill. It is rude where I COME FROM to take the mints and pass the bill. Heh heh heh.

 

I am shocked at how cruel and judgemental my dad is. He is a bigot. Is he being at least partially reasonable? I feel alarmed that he's playing Hitler.

 

Please console me.

[StartingAgain]

Time to do what everyone has to do at some point: tell dad to butt out. Tell him you consider his anti-semetic attitudes distasteful and immoral. Tell him you will not tolerate his attitudes about Jews. He may hold them, but you don't have to listen to them.

 

Your dad may think Jews are cheap and selfish, but I have found them to be intelligent, well educated, financially responsible and quite spiritual. they live their faith, not display it as so many Christians do. Ever had a Jew try to convert you? Ever had one "witness" to you? Jewish men usually make good, loving, loyal, devoted husbands.

 

You have to let dad know you are in charge of your life now. He can either accept that or drive his daughter away.

[Enchanted Lilikoi]

Thank you StartingAgain. It means alot to me that you took the time to read my story and respond.

[msrealdoll]

I'm amazed that your dad would be so prejudice in this day and age, considering he's Asian. There are stereotypes for all races and religions-even Asian. Surely he doesn't believe those?

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like your father is a wee bit unstable. Has he always been this way, or is it a fairly new development? His imagination seems to be in over-drive.

 

Your dad may be suffering some sort of traumatic reaction from his divorce. But that is his problem-not yours. There's no law that says we have to put up with unreasonable, meddling parents once we are grown. Maybe you need to be really strong, and tell him he is pushing you away.

 

Please don't allow your father's paranoia to influence your judgment. It's time for you to accept responsibility for and control your own actions. I hope your boyfriend is not subjected to his rants-that could be terribly hurtful to him. It's hard enough to make it as a couple without all this craziness. Please shelter your boyfriend and yourself from as much of it as possible.

[Enchanted Lilikoi]

Thank you msrealdoll. You and StartingAgain are both very right. I have been trying to function as best I can around my sweet, sweet boyfriend, but it is difficult because I feel emotionally battle worn inside. I have been trying to shelter him from my family's and in particular, my dad's, toxic influences. It's hard when I look at him and try to be my cheerful self, when underneath my heart has holes punched into them. I guess it is not so much that I see that my dad doesn't accept my boyfriend, but that I realize me dad has serious issues and a lonely, bitter heart. I feel that all the love my sister and I gave him since our mom left has done nothing for his belief in compassion for others. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. I dated men from many cultures and races over the years, and my dad's alarm bells rang when I was with a Black Muslim man. He did a background check on my then boyfriend to make sure he was not part of Al Qaeda since this was right after September 11th. I had repressed this event in my memory because what he did then was a violation of my trust.

 

I will tell him to butt out of my decisions on who I love and care for.

 

God bless.

[LillyNeko]

Your story is a little bit parallel to my own life right now, in that I too have family members who do not approve of my current relationship with my bf. I am 22 and he is 30 and a single father of a 5 year old boy. They don't like his profession or the fact he comes from a hard background.

 

It's that kind of labelling that makes it tough to deal with family at times. It's been about 5 months for me too that I've been with my bf. I love him dearly and find he might possibly be the one I want to be with. My family hate him, and have labelled him only off of meeting him once, and that whole time was smiles and laughter, then a few days later they bleed their hearts out to me about how uncomfortable he makes them and they fear the worst for me. THey fear and criticize instead of letting me choose and make my own decisions. Instead of being listeners and comforters, they are more like ultimatum givers and over barren with fear/anger toward him. With barely knowing him, not understanding his background or way of humor, or even who HE IS. So when I read that about your bf, and your father only meeting him once, I understand completely what you are going through.

 

Although my bf and I are of the same background, and religion plays no part in my family's discontent of my current relationship, I know the sting of having parental discord over something you truly love and want. My advice to you, ignore them. For all that is in you ignore them. It's your life to make choices with. It has been since you crossed the 18 years of age mark. If your family truly loves you and says they will be there for you, then even your father with be there for you if you fall from a bad choice, without the lectures, but at least it was on your terms and YOUR CHOICE.

 

This quote is what helps me through my life, and reminds me to always follow my heart, hope it lends a little bit to you as well:

 

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

 

Keep going with what you dream. You should have no fear. Your father has been through a lot in his life too, and I think his misfortune he believes will befall you as well. But that is not possible and never will be...for you are not him. My own father is scared for me, and seems quite unreasonable at times as well over my relationship, but he has learned since I made a stand on this issue of my own bf, to back off. He knows I am an adult, and for the most part can see I am happy, I am in no danger, and in time I know he will learn to accept whom I have chosen, as I hope for all my family will do someday. Yet, you must learn, that you have to take some stones thrown by your family over relationship issues, it is something uncontrollable at times, so long as they know that you are the one making the choices....not them. If you ignore your own feelings and do what they want, and don't let them know it hurts you, then you will only be hurting yourself in the long run.

 

Don't listen to what your father says, keep going with what makes YOU happy!

[MPS]

As a previous poster stated, your father has serious anti-semetic views. Does your boyfriend belong to a synagogue? Even if he doesn't, you should contact the Jewish Federation where you live or even look online. I'm sure within their outreach department they can give you some literature or information for your father about interfaith relationships. At my synagogue we have many interfaith families or "Jew's by choice"--converts. My husband is a Jew by choice and we can speak first hand about anti-semetism towards us.

 

Good luck!