Husband looking at other women

[hurting2]

Ok, heres the problem. When I was in high school I was always made fun of. People would call me fat and ugly. I went on many diets and would lose a lot of weight. At one point I weighted 105 pounds and still thought I was fat. I am married now and have been for 10 years. My husband has always been loving to me and tells me, when asked, that I am sexy. We have two children now and I have put on some weight. I still have self image issues. I am a little overweight now and I realize that, but don't thinkI am hideous or anything. I do feel ugly. Too many people in high school told me this and I ws belittled by and ex boyfriend years ago. I wanted to tell you this as background info.

 

 

My problem is this. My husband cheated on me a few years ago and we have worked that out and are happy together now. The thing is he tells me I am sexy when i ask him if I am, but he is always looking at other women when we are out together. He looks at perfect body, beautiful women. This does not make my insecurity issues with myself any better. I feel like he wants women who look like that. I have read that it is natural for men to look at other women and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I know he loves me but i feel like he doesn't think I am beautiful or sexy. Am I wrong. Is it just normal for guys to look at other women? I want him to think I am sexy and beautiful. Maybe I should seek some counsling for my self image issues. Please help.

[StartingAgain]

All men. All Men. All men look at beautifful women. It doesn't mean that we don't love our own woman or that we don't find her attracive anymore. I gaurantee you that there's a little porno film running in his head about these beautiful women he sees and that is natural too. I think he's being a little insensitive by being blatant about it when he's with you. (or is he? Maybe he's not looking as hard as you think, but your insecurity blows it out of proportion? Just think about it.)

 

You say you know your husband loves you and that's all you should care about. Stop making him the heavy for your body image problem, but get yourself some therapy to deal with it. We men absolutely hate it when our wives continually ask us if we think they are sexy/fat/beautiful/etc.

 

BTW, women cruise guys too. Oh yes they do. I used to see my ex cruising some guys but or crotch all the time. I never mentioned it to her, since I saw too, that she was cruising very good looking men. Certainly better looking than me. It was normal for her to have interest. She was a beautiful woman; she could have had any of them. But she chose me. So what did I have to be upset about?

[koala bear]

It's true all men look at other women it's not that it right and I understand how it makes you feel. And if you are you are noticing it maybe you should point out that he could be more descreite about it. He should understand your feelings. Maybe you should talk to him. If you love each other he should understand. Hope things work out for you.

[Potatohead]

Gave up looking at other woman cuz I could never get a reaction from my wife.....of course I still do but I don't do it on purpose if you know what I mean.

 

Even as far as cheating...(even though I disagree with that term when it is used stereotypicaly, invented by people who do not understand), I have done this, however there is no one on this earth I would rather have sex with than my wife, and no one who I find more attractive....at the same time I will look at other woman....and check them out...I do not know why....even though the above is true....its like its a built in thing that finds womans bodys extremely interesting to look at...of course a few are more interesting than others.....but its like a book you never get sick of reading....lol.... some months I will go through phases where I find skinny women interesting, some months I will find BBW interesting..some times even butt ugly women are interesting.....I guess variety is the spice of life!!! Don't get me wrong, I admit that all sorts of lude thoughts cross my mind while I am being interested....but ultimately......

 

Technically there are a lot of woman who "look" far more "perfect" than my wife.....yet......if they were laying in bed next to each other both naked and both wanted me...I would jump on my wife with no hesitation....sure the perfect one would be nice to look at...and I probably could/would even do the deed if my mrs were not there....but if that unlikely choice were to be made...it would be my wife that would make me feel like I am a million dollars...I would choose her every time....

 

Then again I could be like this because my wife always plays so (to)hard to get....everyone has differant mindsets...

 

Not sure if this helps or not.....

[Verymuchinlove]

It's not true ALL men look. When you say "look" you mean stares, as in he takes a couple seconds to soak in what he is seeing. Now I might agree that all men can catch a beautiful woman in their vision, but a good man will not study her over, he can glace and then not be distracted. I think that guys that do stare (whether they know it or not) are inconsiderate to their woman.

 

On the flip side, if you have not told him about your problems in the past <in detail>, you should do so. My fiance has a couple issues that I am learning about after digging with a pick axe to get information. After several fights I am learning what things bug her, and it is because of an ex of hers that treated her like crap, and now I am being judged (in a sense) because of his actions. So *some* things that wouldn't upset 99% of the poeple out there I have learned (the hard way) upset her. It would have been wonderful if after the first fight that she actually expressed herself and shared some of this info with me. I still don't understand why some people can't share this (like my fiance) . In the end it is working out, but we took the scenic route to get there with way to many fights about nothing. Might be very hard to do, but if you love someone, you should be open, especially if there are problems stemming from it.

 

Now maybe you have shared this with him intimatly, telling him what happened and how it bothers you. If he is still doing things to upset you he might just be rude or there could be some other issue. Just my 2 cents, I' sure there are other possibilites. I'm a big fan of communication.

[StartingAgain]

I will look at other woman....and check them out...I do not know why.

 

I do know why. We do nothing without a purpose. We look at women instinctively. We look for healthy hair, good skin, good teeth, a body that is good shape, adequate breasts, nice, slightly widish hips, etc. These things indicate that the woman is healthy and would be able to bear our offspring successfully. But what about her derier? We likea nice butt don't we? the reason is that early in our natural history, it was not a terribly good idea for two males to approach one another. It could be very dangerous. So early man would scan the savannahs. Ah there's somone with a larger, rounder butt. That's a female and relatively safe. Mind you, we don't actually actually think any of these things. We think "um, um, um...sweet!" But the thought is triggered by something much older and deeper in our brains.

 

We tend to forget (or deny) that at our core, we are animals and the products of a long evolution. All of our behaviors address one or more biological imperatives. They developed long ago and we have ritualized many of them. Man has been around for about 60,000 years, but we only became monogamous about 15,000 or so years ago. So the male has it in him to cruise females looking for mates (note the plural). It was to our species advantage for a male to spread his genes as widley as he could.

[Verymuchinlove]

Originally posted by StartingAgain

I will look at other woman....and check them out...I do not know why.

<ape turned man likes round butts>

 

Not to sound mean, but I am a man, age 31, who is very hedrosexual, yet I do not look at other woman. It doesn't mean that I don't notice when I beautiful woman is around, of course I 'see' her, but the type of look that 'hurting2' is talking about I don't do. I think weak men that love the excuse "Im just a guy, I can't help it, all guys do it" are retards. I know a lot of them. Every man can very much help it, but may choose not to. I don't think a man that deeply loves his S/O has this problem.

[StartingAgain]

I'm not a weak man and heterosexual too. I did look at other women when I was married and it had absolutely NOTHING to do with how I felt about my wife. She was beautiful, I loved her dearly and she was definitely the only woman I wanted. I didn't oogle or drool or act like an idiot and it definiely wasn't a hobby. The point of the responses to this post is that looking should not be considered a problem.

 

Oh, And I'm definitely not retarded.

[Verymuchinlove]

What she is refering to is a look that hurts her feelings. Every man will know what he can and can't do relatively quickly if he can read his woman's reactions. A glace over is normal. But when she feels bad because it is something he keeps doing, then he falls into the 'retard' catagory I speak of. If you are glancing at women and your S/O is fine, then you are not crossing the line. If you knew she was uncomfortable and you still did it, you would be a tard. So by saying your not retarded, I'll assume you and your wife do not have the problem hurting2 is having, therefor your defense of the topic in question sort of makes no sense.

 

What you are saying is that it is our animalistic instinct that makes us look.

 

I am saying it is our soul and love for our woman that prevents it.

[StartingAgain]

I'm saying that hurting2's husband needs to be a bit more sensitive to his wife and she needs to not let this upset her. Really getting terribly upset when you catch your mate looking at someone else has nothing to do with your mate, it's about you. If you are so insecure that something so trivial upsets you, you need to get a grip. Just because you are married/involved does not mean that either you or your S/O have a liense to lay down dictums without good cause. "I saw you look at that woman and that hurts my feelings, so don't ever let me catch you doing that again" is unacceptable. Being a dictator will get you nowhere. But then again neither will being an insensitive lout.

 

I think you completely missed my point. Have you ever studied anthropology?

[Moose]

There is a way to look at women in front of your woman that I learned from a comedian on last comic standing, did you guys see that one?

 

Whenever a good looking girl is in view, just look at her with a disgusting look on your face and complain to your wife how sleezy she looks and how women shouldn't dress like that.......sorry, I couldn't resist!!!

[Verymuchinlove]

hurting2, there ya go, there are different ways to take it. Some guys can't help themselves because they think it is in their nature. Somehow I must not have evolved from the same gene pool. When I was single would I 'check out chicks', of course, but I don't out of respect now. I don't have blinders on by any means, but I am thougtful of my fiance's concerns. Best of luck.

[Moose]

I wasn't saying anything about if I gawk at other women, I was just trying to lighten things up a little. I know how hurtfull it makes some women. My wife and I don't take it in a hurtfull way. She'll tell me when she thinks a guy is good looking or not. There's a guy that rides his bike to and from work everyday and he's got this really dark tan. My wife dubbed him, "Pretty boy"......He live really close to us too, but I don't fear that she's going to go to him and have an affair or anything, she's entitled to her own opinions.

 

Now, if she were staring at a guy and licking her lips and moaning in awe, then I'd have a problem.

 

My suggestion, is when you catch him looking at other women, find a good looking guy nearby and comment on his looks. That'll turn you husband's little switch off, at least while you're around.

 

Also, I think you need to have a little more confidence in yourself. You have the man, he belongs to you! He's found you sexy, you should be proud of that.

[StartingAgain]

Verymuchinlove, I get it now. You really are your handle. "but I am thougtful of my fiance's concerns"

 

Of course you don't care to look at other women. None of us do really when we are in the stage of the relationip that you are in. You have only eyes for that beautiful girl you're about to marry. That's positively great. But never say never. Maybe a few years down the conubial pike, you'll find yourself taking a peek.

 

Yeah let's lighten this up a bit. Some of you may remember the movie "Terms of Endearment." there's a scene in it when Aurora Greenway (Shirley MacLaine) and Garrett Breedlove (Jack Nicholson, the poster child for male insensitivity) are sitting down in a nice restaurant for their first date. A beautiful young woman is being seated at the table next to them and Garrett gives her "the look" and smiles. The dialog:

 

Aurora: Oh, now that's really in poor taste!

Garrett: What?

Aurora: Looking at other women when you are with me.

Garrett: I think we are going to need lots of drinks?

Aurora (have flirty, half sarcastically): Why? To break the ice?

Garrett: No, to kill that bug you've got up your ass!

[Verymuchinlove]

I guess I said what I did because while engaged and feeling like I do, a gal I know who is also engaged has the wandering eye problem of her guy. They are supposed to be in 'that stage' to, but he stills checks out chicks all the time when they go out and it really bothers her.

 

Now I don't know if the women are over reacting or if the guys are being rude without actually being there, but I would wager there is a good chunk of both out there.

[StartingAgain]

The next time you catch your man eyeing another woman, give him a surreptition grab on the butt, nibble on his ear and whisper "you don't need any of that." He'll forget her in an instant. Ah, the subtle art of female seduction. We have no defense against it.

[mydoglennon]

Alright...this could be long, but I feel for those who are taking the time to listen. On my birthday, I was talking to a friend about my husband staying up late on the computer. She said that "atleast he wasn't looking up porn", and I agreed. Curiosity seemed to have gotten the best of me...I expected to find nothing but motorcycle stuff. To my horror, it was nothing BUT porn.

 

To the average person (most of the time I would include myself), porn would just be porn. But I was eight months pregnant at the time, and had already been accusing my husband of having "no interest" in me....and seriously, if he DID, he didn't act like it.

 

I pulled up the explorer bar, and called him over to show him some "neat" things that I had found on the computer. I know, but I was hurt. He said he "didn't know why" and that it was "just there". Not to menion that I gave him the chance to fess up to anything else, and he said that he had ONLY done it the night before. I, of course, felt the need to prove him wrong...and did. During those efforts, I found five different people searches for the current address and phone number of the "ex" that he had always denied.

 

Once I confronted him on that matter, again he couldn't tell me WHY...finally I got two different reasons from him 1(1) "Yeah, I guess I still have feelings for her, but I know that there could never be anything."

(2) In reference to the porn and possibly the ex, "I guess it was because of lack of sexual attention". This coming from the man who had no interest in ME!

 

I have always had bad dreams about him and her, but he continued to deny anything and made me feel paranoid. After my birthday, I feel like a fool living in HAPPY LAND...exclusive to those of us in denial! We're fine now as long as I don't bring it up and talk about...just keep on pretending everything is okay. But its not. Its all I think about. For three years he has denied his feelings to me...and HIMSELF.

 

Here it is...Am I crazy? Is he still with me because of our children? Does he still have the feelings he said, and now denies again? What else is he not telling me? Who is this man? WHAT DO I DO? IS IT JUST ME?

 

I need help...perhaps things are worse because I am postpardom...but she used to be MY friend and I still run into her at work (my husband and I both work at the same place).

 

Am I losing it? Am I the NEXT BEST thing...was I his second choice. We had our first child before marrying...and this makes me think.