Am I just a HOT mess or in need 12 steps?

[missingout]

I still cannot seem to get over a man I dated off and on for 12 years. Our story is long but, I will try to make it brief. When I was 5 years old, I can remember having an attraction to men (side note: I am a man). Anyways, as the years progressed, the closest I came to satisfying my desire to be with one was with a much older, married man (not good). So, needless to say after a few years of chasing this person with phone calls, love letters, and face to face expressions of infatuation/love...nothing ever came of it, except one thing...an extreme case of obssesion, feelings of rejection and depression. I simply could not understand why the two of us could not be together. I often prayed that God would forgive the fact that he was married and make a way for our love to be accepted by family, friends, society, us (crazy, right?). Just to back track a little, he did express liking me also, by flirting back, writing poetry, phone calls and sending signals. But, as time went on, it appeared he had a more realistic view of what could and could not be. One day...I confronted him in public about something small that bothered me and it came across very harsh and "boyfriend-ish" in front of our peers. That's when everything seemed to change. He wrote me a letter describing his anger, sadness and disappointment in my behavior and that "no-one speaks to him that way!" The more he pulled away, the more I tried to make him see that I wanted him. I quickly began to feel more and more rejected, obssesed and depressed each day. All I knew is that I wanted to be with him. He was the first man that made me feel like I had a true chance to experience what I had dreamt about since I was little. Not to say, other men hadn't flirted with me. But, with this person, I felt safe and secure to express myself. I wasn't worried about him blabbing to other people (peers) about us, or telling me I was disgusting for having "gay" desires toward him. It just felt natural...ironically, I did not have the courage to actually follow through on kissing him when I leaned in once (that's the only time I ever felt like I was doing something wrong). I also, never technically "came out to him".

 

Fast forward...college has ended and I meet a new guy. He has similar physical features as my older crush and a very similar attitude! This man was cute and came across as an uninterested and standoffish type of person. I was immediately, smittened! We eventually became friends and soon I could not hold back any longer. So, I expressed my feelings. A few weeks later we began dating...one mth. later I asked him to be my boyfriend and once he said yes, I instantly felt like I did not want to committ. I cried and told him that I thought we were moving too fast! (I started thinking I should be dating girls.) Instant fear set in! He sympathized and said, "we can take it slow". A few weeks later I asked him to be my bf again...he agreed. Then, a few mths. later, I felt unfilled...so, I broke up again. This time, it was due to his lack of communication, dishonesty and simply my tiring of being the pleaser when it came to entertainment, being fun, creative and sex. A few days later, I became frightened that he was dating others...so, I immediately told him that, "I made a complete mistake and that I love him and know that he is the one for me"! (All while feeling as though I was lying to him and myself.) After a couple days of thinking it over...he took me back again.

 

Finally, I could feel the lack of attention, affection and intensity fleeting from him...so, I told him that I "accidentally" made out with someone after drinking heavily, in hopes that it would make him work harder to show how much he loved and cared for me. But, instead...he told me, "it's ok" and left. From that day forward...I have spent years obsessing, chasing, being frustrated, angry, depressed and crazy over him. Although, over the past few years...we have slept together, and even dated a little...he has never fully taken me back. So, in between our on & off again situations...we have seen other people.

 

I know this is a long story and believe it or not, I have left out some details. Although this relationship started off hot and heavy...I never felt fulfilled. I often questioned my sexuality when I was with him and we had very different values (in regards to communication, honesty, spirituality and what we desire to work toward in a relationship...for example, marriage, kids, etc.). But, I continue to obsess, feel anxious, and stress to the point of feeling sick over him. I feel an overwhelming urge to get him to want me. I even made the mistake of telling him once that if he would just tell me he wants to be with me...that would set me free! Also, when I caught him flirting heavily with a guy 2 years ago...I said, something to the effect, "see what happens when we're not together." He's made it a point to say that he feels like I only want him when I think he's with someone else and that he thought I was angry when he accepted a new job (because, his life was no longer ALL about me). He claims, he lost himself when he was with me...that all he had was me...that was his life. He also, said, that after I broke up with him, (for the third time) he shut down and put up a wall. Although, his feelings for me have not changed, he stated, that the person he is has.

Even with all of this reasoning and explanation, I still continue to chase, obsess and torment myself with an endless struggle of trying to be with someone that I know I will never be happy (fulfilled) with. But, I have an unrelenting need to make him want me again...so, I can at least feel good about myself. Also, I feel like I'm stuck chasing someone I can't have and/or don't really need in order to avoid facing the real issue...which is what??

 

Can anyone explain to me what this is?