barese1 Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Hey loveshackers, I posted the following in another thread and had some advice but I'd like as much feedback from you guys as I can possibly get and I'm a crossroads now. I'll try to keep this brief because I've read some long stories on here and you do drift off but here goes.... I met a very sweet, altruistic, intelligent girl who was stunning and absolutely filthy in bed. I was 29 and she was 22. She had just come out of a 6 year relationship (only other person she had had sex with) and met me a couple of months after. From day 1 she told me she never wanted anything serious. We were together for 6 months and by all acounts were boyfriend and girlfriend but she continually told me she didn't want it to be serious but wasn't seeing anyone else and really liked me. One day I realised I had fallen for her and told her how I felt knowing the response. I ended it there and then but as always she said she really wanted to be friends with me. We met once after that but fooled around. I kept telling myself that with time she would come running but then it hit me, she wouldn't. She liked me but hadn't lived her life freely so I cannot blame her. I am nearly 2 weeks into NC. Its really for me to heal not a way to get her back. The thing is I'm struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, have fun and just be me. I know that I could ring her and meet up and have a nice time, who knows maybe something would happen but I know a relationship is out of the question. Should I keep strong and try and maintain NC or meet her? I know we will never be more than casual or friends but these feelings of missing her are driving me insane. I know what most of you will say, but I guess I need to hear it... Thanks guys, much love Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Well I'd avoid any sort of contact with her until having that contact doesn't hurt you. Just take care of yourself right now. It's never easy just dropping all communication with someone you spent a significant amount of time with, but it does get easier the more you branch out to friends and family. Join a group or take up a new hobby. Just find something you like and occupy your time for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 I am nearly 2 weeks into NC. Its really for me to heal not a way to get her back. The thing is I'm struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, have fun and just be me. I know that I could ring her and meet up and have a nice time, who knows maybe something would happen but I know a relationship is out of the question. Should I keep strong and try and maintain NC or meet her? I know we will never be more than casual or friends but these feelings of missing her are driving me insane. I know what most of you will say, but I guess I need to hear it... Thanks guys, much love Struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate and have fun is all part of the grieving and healing process. It's what you have to go through to get to the other side. Completely normal stages that occur when detaching. You just have to keep barelling through. You could ring her and then meet her just to escape your discomfort but what happens after that? You go back to realizing the fact that you can't have her and you're back with those bad feelings again. A temporary fix. She cannot be your source of comfort because she is your source of pain. You can't heal a burn with fire. You stay away from the fire. If you truly want to be friends, then wait till you are unemotional about her and have moved on. The only "something would happen" if you see her is you walk away again in pain knowing what you want so bad, you just cannot have. Then in a few days you crave her again. Now you need another temporary fix. Lather, rinse, repeat. In your case, nothing is actually so much more better than just a little something. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
babycrapgreen Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 It's far too soon to reconnect. You're not over her, being her friend will just torture you. What if she starts dating someone else? Are you going to pretend to be okay with that? I tried for 3 months til I finally put an end to a pseudo friendship post break-up. It hurt too much to pretend I was happy for him and to find out he was dating someone, bleh! Give it time, stay strong and keep NC. It'll get better. Watch 500 Days of Summer with some friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 Thanks guys. I know you are all correct, why would I want to be friends, and I'd feel like sh*t if she started seeing someone else. I feel that I would be ruining any chance of reconcilation though by staying away. As much as I know we won't get back together, I know for a fact it won't happen if I don't speak to her, but at the same time it won't help if I do. Why is it the other person always seem to get over it so much easier, it negates all the nice things we did. Honestly, I don't want to be friends, I want to be friendly and see if it leads to something else. I watched 500 days of summer with her, and she felt sad becuase she realised that was her! Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 As much as I know we won't get back together, I know for a fact it won't happen if I don't speak to her, but at the same time it won't help if I do. Quite the opposite actually. She will never have the opportunity to miss you or realize what you mean to her if you're present in her life. She'll just take you for granted. You'll just enable her indecisive and non-committal behavior by "hanging around". It doesn't allow her the opportunity to explore the possibility of you because you're right there catering to her. Plus, you shouldn't hang around because you need to remind someone of your existence. That's not good for the soul. You're memorable, or forgettable. If you have to remind, then you have your answer. Two things can happen when you step away. She gets a lightbulb moment or she continues to do what she is doing. If she continues what she is doing, then whether you were there to remind her of your existence or not won't matter because she just was never that into you. But by then you would be well on your way to healing. And if she gets that lightbulb moment, then great. Either way, you win. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 Quite the opposite actually. She will never have the opportunity to miss you or realize what you mean to her if you're present in her life. She'll just take you for granted. You'll just enable her indecisive and non-committal behavior by "hanging around". It doesn't allow her the opportunity to explore the possibility of you because you're right there catering to her. Plus, you shouldn't hang around because you need to remind someone of your existence. That's not good for the soul. You're memorable, or forgettable. If you have to remind, then you have your answer. Two things can happen when you step away. She gets a lightbulb moment or she continues to do what she is doing. If she continues what she is doing, then whether you were there to remind her of your existence or not won't matter because she just was never that into you. But by then you would be well on your way to healing. And if she gets that lightbulb moment, then great. Either way, you win. Geegirl, you are so right!! I stayed around my ex for years, trying to be her friend (with very rare and occasional benefits), hoping that in the meantime, she would want to get back together. I also thought the same way as barese1...that if I split, she would forget about me, think I didn't want her and find someone else. The irony was that when I finally worked up the nerve to step away for awhile, she actually confessed to still being in love with me and I was able to finagle some more benefits out of the deal. Unfortunately, the couple yrs. I spent being distant did not alleviate her fear of commitment, and everything else that was bugging her...which was the same garbage that made me leave her alone in the first place. So, here I sit again, hurt, disappointed, rejected, angry, sad and confused, because the girl I spent years trying to adapt my life to, is still the same person I tried my best to leave alone. What a quandary... Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 Thanks gleegirl. guess what you say is true, however I'm fully aware she will not have that lightbulb moment. She tried as hard as she could not to get attached when we were together so I doubt some space will make her see otherwise. I'd guess she's enjoying the guilt free time without me trying to be more than friends. Went out with a few mates tonight and we chatted general sh*t. They made me see that truth is, she's just too young to be ready for a commited relationship, I've always known this too. She needs to live her life but understanding this makes it no easier to deal with. I miss her and know she'll be out tonight and tomorrow and its near impossible not to text/call her. Will be 11 days NC tomorrow and I'm struggling like mad. If another of my girl mates says that I'm a catch or great guy I think I might break down and cry. I know that this was never meant to be anything more than what it was but can't let my feelings match the logic Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 8, 2012 Author Share Posted June 8, 2012 Hey tryingtodiscoveranew. That sounds tough and in a way I get taht being in contact and even getting benefits like you did will hurt in the long run, but that need of satisfaction right now is what makes it hard. I guess the truth is when you're the best you you can be and the other person doesn't want you then you can give nothing more. therefore NC is all about healing not trying to get smeone back. I know this yet it gives me no comfort, I am trying so hard to move on but there's that stupid part of me that says 'chase her, she was the one she just needs to see how great you are' Link to post Share on other sites
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 Hey tryingtodiscoveranew. That sounds tough and in a way I get that being in contact and even getting benefits like you did will hurt in the long run, but that need of satisfaction right now is what makes it hard. I guess the truth is when you're the best you you can be and the other person doesn't want you then you can give nothing more. therefore NC is all about healing not trying to get smeone back. I know this yet it gives me no comfort, I am trying so hard to move on but there's that stupid part of me that says 'chase her, she was the one she just needs to see how great you are' Barese1, you're absolutely right. I kick myself all the time for thinking something good would come out of giving someone my best, who has made it very clear that she wants to move on. Sometimes, I felt like the benefits were out her feeling guilty for being so harsh. The worst thing is that after one of our most intense benefit's session...I asked her to stay the night and she got all weird, saying she had to get up early. The next day she texted me, saying that things really got heavy last night and that she didn't want us to ever have arguments. This was based on me begging her to stay the night, when she clearly wanted to leave. The funny thing is, I only begged for her to stay, because I thought it was the gentleman thing to do after all that. But, as it turns out...it must have made me appear weak and clingy. A couple wks. later she decided she wasn't ready to be with me, or knew if she ever could. So, of course I've been walking around thinking, I must be horrible in bed and that's what turned her off. Self esteem, completely crushed! Link to post Share on other sites
ToyWithMe812 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 From day 1 she told me she never wanted anything serious. One day I realised I had fallen for her and told her how I felt knowing the response. I ended it there and then but as always she said she really wanted to be friends with me. I am nearly 2 weeks into NC. Its really for me to heal not a way to get her back. The thing is I'm struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, have fun and just be me Please realize, although hypothetically you are no contact, in reality you are not. "Never told you she wanted anything serious..." You ended it, but yet you stayed knowing she did not want anything serious. Let's repeat, She Did Not Want Anything Serious, and you knew this. Chalk this up to a life lesson and move on man. Either live with the great sex, knowing that you can never have, HER, or move on...forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Thanks ToyWithMe812, it sounds like you have been somewhere similar. That's the hard part isn't it though. Great, passionate and filthy sex with by far the most gorgeous girl I've ever got with seems appealing but it will just cause pain in the long run. I think because she seemed to be showing me signs that she really cared that although she said nothing would happen I thought it might at the time. I'm genuinely doing NC to heal and not get her back but with everyday that passes its clear that I will never have sex with her again. This is fact and should emphasise nothing other than I would be healing by staying away from the intimacy. Buttttttt, I miss her presence, I did the casual thing for 6 month with her and loved every moment we were together so surely if I called her now and we fooled around it would just make it harder? Why the hell can my logical mind not understand that staying away is what I need to do? And why am I worrying that with every day of NC she is going further away from me when in reality she was never that close. Its not even been 2 weeks of NC and I'm going insane. From what I've read everywhere I won't crack NC until at least 3 months. That is if I still feel this lost without her and haven't healed in 3 months whats the worst that could happen from saying hey.....other than she'll probably be with someone else, I've never gone out with a girl who gets so much male attention. And there lies the other problem. That great sex we were having, she is possibly having with someone else which eats at my soul Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 First I just want to say this is the best thread I have seen on this site: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/56954-do-you-really-think-contacting-your-ex-going-help-you-guide-long-walk Its really inspiring. ANd it has made me realise why I want to see my ex again. I think in my mind that if we have sex a few more times she will get that emotional bond that would lead to a relationship. Buttttt thats nonsense right? We had plenty of sex before and she never developed that.....god dam why is this so hard and on my mind all the time!?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 First I just want to say this is the best thread I have seen on this site: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/56954-do-you-really-think-contacting-your-ex-going-help-you-guide-long-walk Its really inspiring. ANd it has made me realise why I want to see my ex again. I think in my mind that if we have sex a few more times she will get that emotional bond that would lead to a relationship. Buttttt thats nonsense right? We had plenty of sex before and she never developed that.....god dam why is this so hard and on my mind all the time!?!?!? The oldest trick to try to get someone to emotionally attach. It will not work. Let me show him/her how wonderful we are together and he/she will feel what I feel. Stop projecting. It's hard because you are emotional. And she's beautiful, sex is great, men want her and your ego is also bruised because she doesn't want to be with you. That can turn into obsessive feelings. A lot to deal with but it's the nature of the beast. My ex was a stunning man. He could get women with a snap of a finger. Charming, successful, great in bed, handsome, amazing body...the works. Not only was it difficult to get over my hurt feelings but it was hard to accept the fact that I had to let go of this "perfect" specimen. My ego was hurt because he chose others. But now, I see him as a regular Joe, mostly because the idealization is gone as my feelings are gone. He's still a gorgeous man but it doesn't float my boat anymore. You'll see her in a different light in time. Only if you break your attachment completely. By the way, saying hey in three months will hurl you back when you don't get the response you want. Again, hey in three months is your way of saying, "hey, remember me, any interest in seeing if you can like me?" Please stay NC until you feel unemotional about her. Trust those that are telling you from experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 geegirl again you are right but I'm struggling to fight it!!! Truth is I've been a male slag my whole life until a few months before I met her which was great as she is the kinda girl who wouldn't rush into anything physical that quickly. I know that the sex won't bring her back, its just something she said before we parted when I was pretending I could keep it casual. She said sex would lead her to get attached and she didn't want that. I see how much everyone keeps telling me to be strong with NC until completely removed of emotion. I guess I have the fear as everyone else, long enough NC and we will be nothing in each others lives but again I also know thats what I need to do, see her as nothing to do with my life and vice versa. Just hard as it wasn't a bad breakup, in fact there was never a bad day or arguement between us, she just wasn't ready. Anyone have any advice about how to really move on. I know all the obvious, accept it, NC, exercise, busy, friends etc etc but I'm really struggling and haven't been myself since we broke up. I don't want to be thought of as that guy that just wallows in self pity but dam if its hard to ignore it for a few moments. When I do something that people like I immediately thnk of her, and how much she would like to see/hear what I was doing. Arrrrrrr Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 But the two of you are in a sense "nothing" to each other now, in any substantive manner. So, how does NC make it any worse other than you not having the occasional fix. The thing is, it's not important to her that she loses what she has with you. So your concerns are one sided, unless she feels the same way you do. You're too afraid to let go. The only way past all this is to go through it. There is no other way or any quick fix when on NC. It's the most agonizing thing that we have all faced. You are not an exception. But know we've all made it. It's about accepting your reality and feeling your pains. That's the only way to get through it. Everything you are feeling, we all have felt and struggled through. Trust me that keeping attached to her will be a pain far more worse and indefinite than what you are going through now, which is temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 9, 2012 Author Share Posted June 9, 2012 Thank you thank you geegirl. Again I know most of what you are saying just need to be reminded. I will 100% maintain NC and hope that I start to feel myself after some time as not being me is what's really killing me, and like you say, I'm sure she's really not going through a hard time at all about this. I know its different for everyone but as someone who's been there how long did it take you to feel better about things after NC? I have done it before after breaking up with someone who I was with longer, 3 years, whereas this was only 6 months. It took me a long long time to move on from the first one, and truly I did it aftet I met the new one. Strange such a shorter less intense relationship but the pain of loss is much stronger. As I said she was perfect for me but just in the wrong stage of life and too young. Such a shame though Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 It took me longer to get over my 2 year relationship with an ex-boyfriend than it did me a 7 year marriage. It all depends on the intensity of the R and what it meant to you. I had a 6 year relationship with the love of my life that ended because we were forced by external sources and religion, which took me 2 years to get over as it tore me apart. I thought I would never get over it. I did. There is no rule or timeline. You'll just have to go through it. I know it's hard but the alternative isn't any better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Thanks for your honest words geegirl. I guess our relationship wasn't that intense but in most respects she was my perfect woman. Its 2 weeks NC tomorrow and I find myself wanting to call her more each day. In terms of healing and moving on as I know she will never want a relationship NC is the only way to go right? Being friends with her now, possibly the occasional bit of intimacy will just make me feel better in the short term but its soooo appealing right now Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 NC is your only way to heal and move on. Contact will just make you feel bad. You have to let the urges pass and they always do and remember that after you make contact, the aftermath is almost always more painful than the discomfort of NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Wise words again geegirl,I'll prob keep posting about how I'm getting through NC on here. Two weeks tomorrow, hoping realistically after 2-3 months it will feel a lot easier as right now I just miss her. Thanks for your support Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Yes, post and vent here. Just don't react based on your emotions. You never make good choices when you're emotional. You will definitely feel better in 3 months than you will 3 weeks. It's a journey and you have to give yourself a fighting chance. Hope to see you progressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 Aaaaargh I came to uni, a different town to concentrate on work and who do I go past on the bus?? Its taking ever gram of energy not to call her, I know shes home alone about ten minutes from here and I'd love to see her, I cant think about anything else right now Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted June 11, 2012 Share Posted June 11, 2012 Yes, go and see her. Have wonderful sex, regurgitate all your feelings, enjoy the temporary bliss and then go back home and suffer for days trying to get over the fact that she's not yours. Rather than think about a couple of hours of excitement, try to focus on the aftermath. And in a few days, you'll be back to desiring her again and lather, rinse, repeat. When does it stop? Link to post Share on other sites
Author barese1 Posted June 11, 2012 Author Share Posted June 11, 2012 It only stops when you accept its over I guess, but even though I logically and rationally realise that a part of me won't accept it. How else can I make myself realise that its not going to happen....ever?!?! I didn't call her, was agonising not to but I managed not to. 2 weeks NC today, christ cannot wait till a couple of months from now! Link to post Share on other sites
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