NC or friends maybe?

[barese1]

Haha, no I'm not done with LS yet. I'm now finally getting there but still will post from time to time until I feel completely back to me again. Prob about 90% there though

[boy88]

Hi barese, been reading your thread, I'm glad that many people are there to help you out, I'm not soo lucky, if u have time please take a look at my thread below and let me know your options, my situation is a little similar to what you are going thru, thx.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/341568-i-broke-up-i-get-back-she-dosent-want-me

Edited August 26, 2012 by boy88
Link

[barese1]

Hi barese, been reading your thread, I'm glad that many people are there to help you out, I'm not soo lucky, if u have time please take a look at my thread below and let me know your options, my situation is a little similar to what you are going thru, thx.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/341568-i-broke-up-i-get-back-she-dosent-want-me

 

Hey boy88 I'll look at your thread soon but first I have to vent!

[barese1]

So after doing so well there was a little blip last night, but I'm hoping it'll past.

 

Went to a club with the new girl and a few of her mates, standing at the bar I turn to the left. Who do I see? The ex was stood there with two blokes chatting her up like crazy, she was literally back to back to me.

 

I said hi, but this time it was a little awkward to be honest. The current girl saw her and think felt a little bit insecure but shes ok now. This is the whole reason I broke NC, in case this happened. So I was prepared for it but it does feel a little weird now. Knowing she was out with just a few guys, shouldn't matter but it kinda felt not very nice.

 

I'm hoping this is just a little spell that I'll get over ina day or two!

[Tally123]

Wow what were the chances of that happening. If you hadn't seen her on Friday, that encounter at the bar could have been totally different!! Its normal that you are still going to feel some things, this was a girl, after all, that a few days ago, you thought the sun shone out of her you know what. You've come along leaps and bounds, so i wouldn't be so hard on yourself that it got to you!! Very exciting about this new girl!

[barese1]

Wow what were the chances of that happening. If you hadn't seen her on Friday, that encounter at the bar could have been totally different!! Its normal that you are still going to feel some things, this was a girl, after all, that a few days ago, you thought the sun shone out of her you know what. You've come along leaps and bounds, so i wouldn't be so hard on yourself that it got to you!! Very exciting about this new girl!

 

True if we hadn't already seen each other it would have been even weirder. Still strange, felt no feelings for her at the party but was different last night. Maybe it just took me by surprise, I was drunk and not really looking as 'cool' as I did at the party.

 

O well it is what it is. Like I said I do really care for her, and still find her physically attractive but I don't want her back so its all good really, just brought me down a bit today

[barese1]

Strange, I still feel anxious after our encounter on Sunday. Still know I don't want her back and am happy with the new girl but really have had crazy anxiety since Sunday....dam I thought I was over it!!

[kindest]

I just read the whole thread through... I think barese you made very good progress and although I don't know you, I am proud of you. I know how hard it is to try to detach yourself from someone very memorable to you.

 

Don't sweat it, I think it is very normal that you feel some anxiety seeing your ex again. She has had considerable impact in your life and it would have been strange if you did not feel a thing after seeing her. Doesn't mean you want to get back together, it just means that she was that special to you, and that's okay. It means you value your relationships. It means you know how to love.

 

It means you are human.

 

Good luck with the new girl.

[barese1]

Its just frustrating. I really don't want her back. I know this now. What we shared was great but I don't want somone like that as my girl. Stupid thing is she wrote to me after Friday saying it was nice to see each other and general chit chat. I wrote back and haven't heard anything...

 

Stupid, as like I said I genuinely don't want her but am annoyed that she hasn't replied to me. Its clear neither of us want anything more but why be friendly then just to not bother?!?

 

Its made me feel weak and a bit pathetic just when I truely was getting to a point of indifference. I sat and thought today, truthfully I don't care if she is with someone else now, it wouldn't upset me, but her just blanking me has!

[Ruby65]

Any contact with someone who's dumped you is a bad thing. It's completely unnecessary and harmful -- unless they've initiated it to beg you for another chance.

 

There's no closure or growth.... there's only your secret underlying hope that she'll change her mind, and her repeated rejection of you, and the painful never-ending back-and-forth of this dynamic.

 

You are nowhere near over this person. If you were over her, you wouldn't be in contact and you wouldn't be posting here about her. This person treated you abominably and is in no way deserving of your friendship. There's no reason to ever be in communication of any kind with this person ever again. Your mutual friends won't care -- and trust me, neither will she. She was happy going months with no contact. She only wants contact now because she has no choice but to run into you occasionally, as an ego stroke or to alleviate her guilt.

 

My only advice to you is what it's been all along: MOVE ON. Forget this worthless waste of space before you end up hurting your new girl.

 

But of course it's easy to say this -- harder to do it!

[barese1]

I guess in a way I'm naive. I mean it was actually me that broke it off but only because I knew she didn't want it to go anywhere, but still I am the dumpee. This girl will never beg for me back.

 

I know I keep saying this and people don't believe me but I don't want her back. Yes she's pretty, and yes there are things I like about her, but I would never want to go back to that. In that case there is no rejection but I feel rejected from her not writing back!?! This goes to show that contact helped but not a dialogue of contact. Knowing shes read my message and hasn't been bothered to reply does hurt.

 

So why the hell does this bother me if I don't want her? I think my housemate hit the nail on the head. My last ex rejected me badly. I only truely got over her after meeting the current ex. He thinks that I suffer badly when someone rejects me after I've been close to them. That is, I hate the feeling of meaning nothing to someone who makes out I am/was important. I wanted to be able to be friendly with this girl, I truely did, not as an aim to win her back but just to know there were no hard feelings and that I am not a no one to her. Clearly though I am. Knowing that I mean nothing hurts.

 

I'm glad I broke NC but will not try and contact her now, its pissed me off so much. She alleviated her guilt or whatever by writing to me and now couldn't give a bollocks. As such I've been thinking about her all day. I just don't get it, she was telling our mutual mate it was nice to see me and she's glad we can be friends, but isn't acting like a friend.

 

I haven't moved on anywhere as much as I thought I had, because I'm clearly still sensitive to her actions. F&ck her then if she is going to be like that. I made a bet with my housemate that she wouldn't reply (he thinks she will) and I hope I win, coz then that way I won't reach out to her.

[Dblock10]

I haven't moved on anywhere as much as I thought I had, because I'm clearly still sensitive to her actions. F&ck her then if she is going to be like that. I made a bet with my housemate that she wouldn't reply (he thinks she will) and I hope I win, coz then that way I won't reach out to her.

 

its your ego mate. no one likes rejection.

 

i see what you mean that it would hurt not meaning anything to someone. i get that, but you have to take the high road and laugh it off, you have to know you are worth it, you have self value.

 

yeah classic case of people saying one thing and doing another, simply put, it elivated her guilt if she had any, and now she doesnt have to worry or give you a second thought.

 

an ex of mine did the same, makes you feel like your not worth it, but i know i am so i can laugh and walk away.

[kindest]

I guess in a way I'm naive. I mean it was actually me that broke it off but only because I knew she didn't want it to go anywhere, but still I am the dumpee. This girl will never beg for me back.

 

I know I keep saying this and people don't believe me but I don't want her back. Yes she's pretty, and yes there are things I like about her, but I would never want to go back to that. In that case there is no rejection but I feel rejected from her not writing back!?! This goes to show that contact helped but not a dialogue of contact. Knowing shes read my message and hasn't been bothered to reply does hurt.

 

So why the hell does this bother me if I don't want her? I think my housemate hit the nail on the head. My last ex rejected me badly. I only truely got over her after meeting the current ex. He thinks that I suffer badly when someone rejects me after I've been close to them. That is, I hate the feeling of meaning nothing to someone who makes out I am/was important. I wanted to be able to be friendly with this girl, I truely did, not as an aim to win her back but just to know there were no hard feelings and that I am not a no one to her. Clearly though I am. Knowing that I mean nothing hurts.

 

 

This is the first time you've talked/seen each other after the breakup, yes? It's normal to feel this way, you don't have to speed up the process of you moving on, getting over her. If you skip certain steps in healing/moving on, it will bite you back in the a$$ I'm telling you. Oh and go back to NC, and stick to it! Trust me.

 

In my case, I would rather that my ex and I be nothing than having to deal with his uncertainty of his feelings for me. I want someone who is sure, and he clearly is not... So how about we be nothing and just forget we even know each other? This insight is helping me move on, I'm not there yet, but I am getting there.

[barese1]

Hi guys thanks for the replies.

 

It just angers me so much. Why engage me just to ignore me it makes no sense? Finally started putting her behind me but now I'm constantly anxious again.

 

Selfish little girl. I just don't get it. I was happy to be civil and friendly (really) but knew that I wanted limited interactions in case this would happen. I feel like I've gone ten steps back. The only good thing I can see now is that I don't feel the need to contact her. What's the point. I just want these feelings to pass and go back to how I was Saturday, but now I worry that maybe I said something on Sunday night, and blah blah blah. You know like at the start of a BU you question all those things you did and said.

 

I feel like I have to start again to move on. Its not like seeing her made me go back to square one, simply that she has now rejected me (in a different way) and that has set me back. I wish she never wrote to me in the first place this has messed me up just when I thought I was getting somewhere!

[Dblock10]

try not to make "sense" of anything, the sooner you realise that people are inscrutable: i.e They rarely act the way you really want them to.

 

what happened is you had an "expectation" of how she will be, and ONCE AGAIN she disappointed that expectation which has led to how you feel now.

 

 

why you questioning what you said? you have moved on.. just put her totally behind you mate. she isnt worth any of this. you even know that ! let it go

[barese1]

True. I just feel rather pathetic now. I didn't initiate anything. I didn't make out that I was missing her, nothing. Now I find myself waiting for a response that will never happen.

 

I only expected a civil reply and find myself questioning everything I may have done when I last saw her.

 

Bottom line, breaking NC helped but trying to have dialogue has killed me. I feel back to square one. This girl has just rejected me in a another way.

 

What's wrong with me why can't I just let go and forget this stupid selfish little skank???

[Tally123]

barese, dont be too hard on yourself. You are moving on and you are not back to square one at all!! The reason you feel like you do is because you feel like she has control again, she has all the power, but how does she? She friend requested you, you was only civil T9 her in your message! Its not like you poured your heart out to her and she has ignored you. She is not sitting there thinking, oh i bet he is really bothered that i havent replied because you probably came across so care free and so indifferent when you last saw her, which is a good thing, that she obviously doesn't think its a big deal.

 

You have done great, dont let this make you think otherwise!

[barese1]

Thanks Tally.

 

I do feel like she has all the power, thats spot on. Really my message was just friendly nothing about my feelings etc like you said.

 

I agree maybe she doesn't see it as a big deal hence why she hasn't written back. I do that with my friends so thats a good point, but I do always get back to them eventually, I have this feeling she won't.

 

Just not sure what happened. Friday yes was carefree, Sunday not really sure what I said to her, no it was nothing about us or anything odd so just don't get it.

 

I'm not hoping for a message of any importance but just something, and I don't know why I'm letting it bother me. I wish she never friend requested me I was doing well.

 

I thought I was doing so well, I really did

[Mike_d]

it's been what.... 4 days? cut yourself some slack, give yourself permission to feel poorly for awhile, you knew this was a possible outcome for an interaction that you purposefully sought out. it's going to take you a week or 2 to get back on your feet again, that's ok. it really is ok. this is temporary.

 

so what sort of things did you do for yourself in the early days when you started NC, what things back then seemed to help? go back to these things now.

 

the old adage 'be careful what you wish for...' in full bloom. but again, this is temporary, you did good at the event and felt good about it afterwards, that is what counts. you're dealing with a hangover of sorts now post-event. it will subside, give yourself some time, turn off the internal tapes that you are using to beat yourself up with. just take care of you for awhile, let the other stuff go. you can do it

[Dblock10]

Thanks Tally.

 

I do feel like she has all the power, thats spot on. Really my message was just friendly nothing about my feelings etc like you said.

 

I agree maybe she doesn't see it as a big deal hence why she hasn't written back. I do that with my friends so thats a good point, but I do always get back to them eventually, I have this feeling she won't.

 

Just not sure what happened. Friday yes was carefree, Sunday not really sure what I said to her, no it was nothing about us or anything odd so just don't get it.

 

I'm not hoping for a message of any importance but just something, and I don't know why I'm letting it bother me. I wish she never friend requested me I was doing well.

 

I thought I was doing so well, I really did

 

 

dude man up! she will get back to you, and if she doesn't its because it was a basic chat, its non important. and if she does it will again be a basic msg. so why fret? for real

 

think of her as someone that is like a friend but not even that, more like one of those many "facebook "friends" you know what i mean.

[Stanza]

Her not replying might mean she was fishing to see if you were still interested and that was it.

 

I think you should focus on one thing I see in all of this: this girl wasn't long-term material. Thus it's time to really just cut that cord I think. If you were older and had been together properly and committed etc I might have a different view but I think it all adds up to time to enjoy the new girl and let it go.

[barese1]

Hey thanks guys. Like I said it was massively playing on my mind just because I felt ignored but what you say is true. She isn't a friend just a facebook buddy. Also I know I shouldn't be this cut up over someone who I was with for such a short time anyway.

 

She actually text me wishing me luck for an interview I have tomorrow. Guess like you say shes now one of those facebook friends who doesn't have the time for proper messages but receiving that text just made me feel I wasn't completely ignored. Just said thanks back. Like I said I don't want to be conversing with her just didn't want to be blanked.

 

The new girl also text me, and she is what all my efforts should be in 100% she is lovely and worth my time.

 

Thanks guys

[Tally123]

Barese, i did write a reply, but its not showing.

 

I just asked how come the ex knew about your interview tomorrow? Please dont get into more conversations with your ex! You're doing so well. Concentrate on the new girl, she is obv worth it as she saw you were worthsticking around for.

 

Good luck for interview tomorrow!

[barese1]

Hi Tally,

 

Thanks, interview went pretty well. I'll find out Tuesday if I have the job.

 

The ex knew through facebook I guess. I put it as my status. The fact she didnt write back shows she's not interested in any conversations with me and to be honest I wanted to be friendly with her but not best mates so its probably for the best.

 

I will focus on the new girl, but it is still difficult you know.

[barese1]

Been a weird few days. Hearing from the ex made me feel a lot better with things generally. I still don't want her back. I know shes away this weeked staying over a bunch of guys house. This would have really upset me a few weeks ago. Now I just feel like meh, she can do what she wants, I mean I'm seeing someone new anyway. Not 'happy' about it but starting to care less.

 

Although she did text me again asking if we could do some work together. Strange one, I do miss her in some ways but don't want a relationship with her. Who knows how I'll feel next week.

 

Seeing the new girl Wednesday and if I'm honest I can't wait