NC or friends maybe?

[barese1]

so fb deletion the whole chop?

 

it actually sounds really good doesnt it, none of "that" ever again. its exciting as well to some extent. not looking back over your shoulder but looking forward and moving on truely.

 

Maybe fb deletion, not sure as I never use it to look at her profile anyway.

 

Yeah its exciting but also scary. Like I said I know come this time next week we'll never ever be in contact but its a good thing because she is fully moved on and each contact just re affirms it. That's not a good feeling even if you are honestly trying to move on so I know long term it will be good for me

[barese1]

Hard today. Really miss her a lot. Not sure why. Keep picturing her and wish I was spending time with her, not even physically.

 

I really hope these feelings go as I'm spending more time with the new girl and its going great but I just feel I'm being a bit dishonest with her. I don't compare, or think about the ex when I'm with her. But whenever I'm alone its the ex I think about rather than her.

 

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkk. I just want to get her out of my head!!!

[Hawaii50]

Great example of NC!!

 

 

Rejecting Your Ex Like a BOSS - Lolzland

[Calico]

Hard today. Really miss her a lot. Not sure why.

 

Well, you started to communicate with her and even saw her. Delayed effect?

 

This thing with the new girl is pretty tricky. I'd probably not act on how you currently feel, including not talking to the new girl about it. Just wait and see if it passes. What you don't want to happen is that the new girl walks out on you.

 

I wonder how much of this is a pride or abandonment issue. The latter is something that really came into play when I was replaced by another guy, probably related to my parent's divorce when I was a toddler.

[Dblock10]

Well, you started to communicate with her and even saw her. Delayed effect?

 

This thing with the new girl is pretty tricky. I'd probably not act on how you currently feel, including not talking to the new girl about it. Just wait and see if it passes. What you don't want to happen is that the new girl walks out on you.

 

I wonder how much of this is a pride or abandonment issue. The latter is something that really came into play when I was replaced by another guy, probably related to my parent's divorce when I was a toddler.

 

 

deffo delayed effect.

 

yeah i dont think it would be abandonment issues, i feel horrible when i know an ex is seeing someone new (if i still have feelings for them that is) pretty much why ive avoided fb for a while, case i see something id rather not.

 

i know i want to speak to my ex in the future so dont want to delete her from my fb. but doesnt mean i want to see or speak to her now

Edited September 17, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

It might be delayed effect, who knows. All our communications are about work stuff anyway so there's nothing to make me fall for her again, but yeah when I saw her I did remember what it was I saw in her the first place.

 

The new girl gets the whole situation, she is friends of friends of the ex so I'd rather have been honest then her hear it all through others. She's great though and we are getting really close. I can see she really likes me and we are pretty much a couple. I do like her a lot too, and can see my feelings growing. Its just the niggling of missing the ex that's slowing the process.

 

Not sure if it is abandonment related. Think its more that I really fell for the girl, and although she made me think she had stong feelings for me she clearly never did. Now she does for some other dude. That's tough to deal with but at the same time she can do what she likes.

 

Will be seeing her at uni tomo, I used to relish seeing her now I'm aware it'll just bring pain. Only two more times and I'll never hear from her again, wish that time would hurry up now so I can focus on my new girl without being reminded of the ex!

[Dblock10]

It might be delayed effect, who knows. All our communications are about work stuff anyway so there's nothing to make me fall for her again, but yeah when I saw her I did remember what it was I saw in her the first place.

 

The new girl gets the whole situation, she is friends of friends of the ex so I'd rather have been honest then her hear it all through others. She's great though and we are getting really close. I can see she really likes me and we are pretty much a couple. I do like her a lot too, and can see my feelings growing. Its just the niggling of missing the ex that's slowing the process.

 

Not sure if it is abandonment related. Think its more that I really fell for the girl, and although she made me think she had stong feelings for me she clearly never did. Now she does for some other dude. That's tough to deal with but at the same time she can do what she likes.

 

Will be seeing her at uni tomo, I used to relish seeing her now I'm aware it'll just bring pain. Only two more times and I'll never hear from her again, wish that time would hurry up now so I can focus on my new girl without being reminded of the ex!

 

how do you know your'll never hear from her again lol

 

but.. yeah i get how that would be really hurtful. not having feelings for you but then having them for someone else

 

new girl though... start living in the present!

[barese1]

Mate I am indeed living in the present with the new girl. We're all over each other 24/7. I wanted to do that with the ex but never felt she was as keen. I was anxious around her becuase she was so fine and I knew she would drop me at any moment. I'm relaxed around the new girl.

 

I know I will never hear from her again because I will never contact her, for any reason. I also know that she literally couldn't give a **** about chatting to me. She literally only talks about uni related things, that'll be done by next week. I would bet my life savings (very little) that she will never contact me again a week today.

[Dblock10]

Mate I am indeed living in the present with the new girl. We're all over each other 24/7. I wanted to do that with the ex but never felt she was as keen. I was anxious around her becuase she was so fine and I knew she would drop me at any moment. I'm relaxed around the new girl.

 

I know I will never hear from her again because I will never contact her, for any reason. I also know that she literally couldn't give a **** about chatting to me. She literally only talks about uni related things, that'll be done by next week. I would bet my life savings (very little) that she will never contact me again a week today.

 

well, mentally more than physically dude.

 

awesome well your all set then. and congrats on having one of the most replied to threads lol

[barese1]

Ha most of the replies are from me, have a feeling will be quite a few more over the coming weeks while I have contact then bang into hardcore NC!

[barese1]

Well I've just gone against everything I have ever posted. I managed to avoid the ex all day during our dissertation celebrations. ALL DAY! I hear she has got a job that she recently went for.

 

Then I have to wait for a 3 hour train home and text saying 'well done on the job! Shame you weren't out with us all to celebrate x'. Surprise surprise I hear nothing back even though I know she's out in town.

 

I can't believe I got drunk and text. I know it wasn't anything major but I did what I said I'd never do, be the one to contact her. As soon as I sent it I deleted her number again.

 

This is the first time I've reached out in any way. I'm so angry at myself for breaking like this

[Dblock10]

Well I've just gone against everything I have ever posted. I managed to avoid the ex all day during our dissertation celebrations. ALL DAY! I hear she has got a job that she recently went for.

 

Then I have to wait for a 3 hour train home and text saying 'well done on the job! Shame you weren't out with us all to celebrate x'. Surprise surprise I hear nothing back even though I know she's out in town.

 

I can't believe I got drunk and text. I know it wasn't anything major but I did what I said I'd never do, be the one to contact her. As soon as I sent it I deleted her number again.

 

This is the first time I've reached out in any way. I'm so angry at myself for breaking like this

 

gulp :/

 

not good dude. just stop now. hope things look up soon

[barese1]

I know such an idiot. She text back this morning saying thanks and looking forward to saturday. Those little texts back are literally worse than nothing in a way.

 

Lesson learned, do not do that again. Therefore, after saturday bye bye for good. I wish it was Sunday now!

[Dblock10]

Be interesting to see how you go, knowing she is totally gone after that point unless you keep her on fb where she will be in the background so never quite totally gone as such

 

Least she txt back but tbh it really has just got to that being friendly level hasn't it

[barese1]

I know man. Her new job is miles away from here too so it literally will be a case of never seeing her out in public as well as not hearing from her.

 

I feel really upset about this. The fact that I am nothing to her, the fact we are friendly, but we're not friends at all. I said that to our mutual mate who was like 'O she is really happy that you're friends'. I said but we're not, she only calls me about uni stuff and does not treat me like a friend at all. Again the fb thing doesn't matter as I literally never look at her profile.

 

I have definately gone back to square one by being in contact. It was ok to begin with but now its hurting me a lot. I will see her one last time and that's it. I'll have a long road to begin recovering again. Dam, 6 months or whatever after the breakup and I feel like I'll just be starting to recover. At least this time I'll be fully aware she doesn't want me and is happy with her new man.

 

I hate when we can't shake feelings for someone who doesn't want us.

[Dblock10]

well that physical difference is good. mind you you say you dont worry about fb, thats because you see her in person for now. give it 6 weeks of nothing and your mind will begin to wonder, catching a glimpse of a new profile pic will set you back each time.

 

i think your over thinking the dynamics of this mate. like ok so she said your "friends" to your mate, but your not happy with that fact she talks to you about uni stuff. so yeah i agree that isnt a friend in the truest meaning, but then i dont think anyone ever can be with an ex.

 

also for me then, my ex will ask how an event was i went to or what have i been doing etc, ok so that is more personal but then is that all i want, friends? no. its not to say i dont like her its just i find that a bit false from my end, knowing i still stupidly care about her too much. almost like i lead myself on. feeding hope possibly.

 

if your ex started asking you things non uni related etc you would slowly want more. some one here said remaining in contact keeps you stagnant, and that tbh is a great description if what contact actually does.

 

also i dont understand this whole time you knew she has had a new man etc, yet you seem to have settled in some way or another as second best to her. screw that. be a man, let this one go now. you deserve better.

[barese1]

True knowing I won't bump into her will ease some of the stress, and it also just emphasises we're completely split. No I won't ever look at her fb, trust me. I know how much damage that would do as I know how much she posts, pictures status blah blah I would never look. her profile doesn't pop up anywhere. Like I said I don't want to look weak but deleting her again.

 

I guess you're right, if she was more fo a friend it would make things even harder so sod it, I don't want her as a friend.

 

Agreed she has a new man who she really seems into. As I haven't really chatted to her much I have sat in the second best seat. In fact by all accounts she thinks I've moved on just like she has.

 

I feel so depressed today I really do. i think its knowing I'll see her one last time, and that'll be it. I've always said I don't want her back, and I guess I do mean that but it doesn't mean that I don't miss her. That I'm jealous she has feelings for someone else that she never had for me. That her life is actually looking pretty good right now, new job, new man etc. Whereas I feel like my life is pretty sh&t at the moment.

[Dblock10]

same mate, i compare her life to mine and in my mind her life is and has been better for a while add to the fact she is doing and done many things i want to do. its a waiting game.

 

i think you need that emphasis at this point. i get the not looking on fb thing, i have self control also and never looked once. just she pops up on the chat thing and so is easy to look and see that small pic of their pro pic.

 

yeah being more of a "friend" does make it harder.

 

its like someone said to me, you think you have let go, but all you have done is taken a back seat and tried to put it all behind you, when in reality your still "in" the situation or mind set but worse because you are only then picking up small pieces and have even less control or power.

 

she now thinks you are TOTALLY ok with it all when your not... your on ls posting about it and how much it stresses and hurts you.

 

only so much can be said to fake it till you make it. thats why i'm always true to myself. i wont pretend to be her friend when im not lol... i still care for her massively but she had "friends" male and female, therefore i dont need to be another one. i was her bf, not a male friend. therefore i wont accept being anything less. maybe one day i can be her friend or what ever but that wont be until i am completely happy with myself, what i have achieved and who i am with.

 

if you feel depressed today because it could be the last time you see her, that still shows you very much have feelings for her. iv'e been there. i had to say goodbye to my ex twice.

 

i think you do want her back, you would want her to want you back, be honest here. or even if you dont, you for some reason idolise this in your mind

 

jealousy is a major thing i have problems with. its really bad and makes me do stupid things.

[Calico]

This is the first time I've reached out in any way. I'm so angry at myself for breaking like this

 

Twenty push-ups, now!

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. It happened, you can't change it now. Plus, in a way it's good, because it's one illusion less, and maybe a few days of extra pain are a good trade-off for it, at least in the long run. You're NOT an idiot for slipping. You're human. Be gentle with yourself.

 

Don't forget the push-ups.

[barese1]

same mate, i compare her life to mine and in my mind her life is and has been better for a while add to the fact she is doing and done many things i want to do. its a waiting game.

 

i think you need that emphasis at this point. i get the not looking on fb thing, i have self control also and never looked once. just she pops up on the chat thing and so is easy to look and see that small pic of their pro pic.

 

yeah being more of a "friend" does make it harder.

 

its like someone said to me, you think you have let go, but all you have done is taken a back seat and tried to put it all behind you, when in reality your still "in" the situation or mind set but worse because you are only then picking up small pieces and have even less control or power.

 

she now thinks you are TOTALLY ok with it all when your not... your on ls posting about it and how much it stresses and hurts you.

 

only so much can be said to fake it till you make it. thats why i'm always true to myself. i wont pretend to be her friend when im not lol... i still care for her massively but she had "friends" male and female, therefore i dont need to be another one. i was her bf, not a male friend. therefore i wont accept being anything less. maybe one day i can be her friend or what ever but that wont be until i am completely happy with myself, what i have achieved and who i am with.

 

if you feel depressed today because it could be the last time you see her, that still shows you very much have feelings for her. iv'e been there. i had to say goodbye to my ex twice.

 

i think you do want her back, you would want her to want you back, be honest here. or even if you dont, you for some reason idolise this in your mind

 

jealousy is a major thing i have problems with. its really bad and makes me do stupid things.

 

thanks for all your posts dblock. I have never compared how she was doing (other than how fast she moved on) before so now it hurts to know she has the job of her dreams and is happy with some guy that is't me. I am now jobless without any direction.

 

Agreed, after the weekend I want no contact with her at all. I still think breaking it that first time helped but since then its made me just want her more. Even her nothing texts or calls about work, I still want her. its making me weak and I don't want that. i was genuinely moving on at one point.

 

The fact she thinks I'm totally moved on still I see as positive. It doesn't change how she feels about me but I'd prefer she thought I was sorted and happy then missing her as I clearly am.

 

i agree I think right now I do want her back. I miss her in my life in that way so much. I know this will never happen though and that's reality. Again come next week I'm changing my mindset and doing everything, and I mean everything to move past this. I'm dreading seeing her because right now I want her. i have to change my thinking on this though. I have to make the decision to move on and let go and keep reminding myself this

[barese1]

Twenty push-ups, now!

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. It happened, you can't change it now. Plus, in a way it's good, because it's one illusion less, and maybe a few days of extra pain are a good trade-off for it, at least in the long run. You're NOT an idiot for slipping. You're human. Be gentle with yourself.

 

Don't forget the push-ups.

 

Ha thanks Calico. I actually did the push ups too! I know you're right. Literally the only time I've reached out to hr since we split. It was a nothing text anyway but it shouldn't have been sent.

 

I am seeing her one last time at a party at the weekend, which will be so hard but after that strict NC. 100% which I hope makes me truely let go.

 

I have gone back to square one but just hope it'll be easier to catch up to where I was. And quicker

[Dblock10]

dont mention it bud!

 

i think you need to view things in a positive light. like for me, this is going way back, but my ex is still with the guy she left me for 5 years ago and she has a baby with this guy. but that didnt make me upset or anything. i felt glad i wasnt him! i am free to do what i like when i like. i felt like if i had stuck around i would be trapped and unable to just know myself and do things in life with the power of being my own person.

 

jobless and no direction or stuck in a job being like every other person on the planet.. know which id rather choose.

 

obviously get a direction, of course you need that. make a plan and aim to reach that goal what ever it may be.

 

exactly, this is what happens with contact you think you can handle it, and at the time you do... but it will creep up on you in moments of weakness and realising the truth of the situation.

 

in some ways it is a positive, of course you wouldn't want an ex knowing your struggling and to have pity placed on you. however its not very empowering either to know how you feel and knowing that an ex is no the wiser.

 

you want to be strong and happy with what you are doing now.

 

think of it this way, you miss the idea of her. you don't really miss her... like she wasn't the girl you thought she would be or hoped she would grow to be. you fell for a fantasy in your own mind more or less.

 

but ultimately you do need to remind yourself moving on is the only and best way. otherwise we would all stay stagnant and never move on. when the other person has or is.

[barese1]

dont mention it bud!

 

i think you need to view things in a positive light. like for me, this is going way back, but my ex is still with the guy she left me for 5 years ago and she has a baby with this guy. but that didnt make me upset or anything. i felt glad i wasnt him! i am free to do what i like when i like. i felt like if i had stuck around i would be trapped and unable to just know myself and do things in life with the power of being my own person.

 

jobless and no direction or stuck in a job being like every other person on the planet.. know which id rather choose.

 

obviously get a direction, of course you need that. make a plan and aim to reach that goal what ever it may be.

 

exactly, this is what happens with contact you think you can handle it, and at the time you do... but it will creep up on you in moments of weakness and realising the truth of the situation.

 

in some ways it is a positive, of course you wouldn't want an ex knowing your struggling and to have pity placed on you. however its not very empowering either to know how you feel and knowing that an ex is no the wiser.

 

you want to be strong and happy with what you are doing now.

 

think of it this way, you miss the idea of her. you don't really miss her... like she wasn't the girl you thought she would be or hoped she would grow to be. you fell for a fantasy in your own mind more or less.

 

but ultimately you do need to remind yourself moving on is the only and best way. otherwise we would all stay stagnant and never move on. when the other person has or is.

 

Really trying to see the positives but not finding them. I never felt trapped with her and would've happily seen where a real relationship would take us. Kills me knowing her life is so so great now, dream job and sounds like this new guy is a boyfriend rather than just whatever the hell it was that we were.

 

I'm trying to make a plan but I really feel like day one of the breakup. No energy or motivation and just feeling sad all the time. I really don't know why this is. Maybe the fact that someone who even now I still care about, is so moved on, is just killing me. I don't get it. I've finally realised that we will never be. Not now (which I had already accepted) and not in the future (a recent acceptance). Surely this is the start of me properly healing?

 

I guess its not empowering either way but put it like this. if I told the ex how I felt I would still be without her and she would just pity me. If she thinks I'm happy without her, I would still be without her but she would respect me.

 

I know, I have to move on. As I keep saying come Saturday she'll be out of my life for good. I'll have to start the whole NC and greiving again but with a real goal this time, and real acceptance that its done. Not sure why my mood is so low though!

[Calico]

Really trying to see the positives but not finding them. I never felt trapped with her and would've happily seen where a real relationship would take us. Kills me knowing her life is so so great now, dream job and sounds like this new guy is a boyfriend rather than just whatever the hell it was that we were.

 

Not being "whatever the hell it was that we were" is a positive.

[barese1]

I guess but it just emphasises that she didn't want to try with me but has decided to do that with the next guy that comes along. I should take that as a positive but I just take it as pain.