NC or friends maybe?

[barese1]

I can't explain it. Yeah you're right I was doing everything I could to move on. recently I think I just wanted to be able to show that I'm happy one day for her to be in my life. Not as my girl, or even a close friend but just not strangers. I don't know why but I need that. I think it might help let go of this final bit of feelings I have.

 

That's why I decided to go Friday. No talk of us no trying to dance with her, no chatting her up. Just friendly talk to show that things aren't awkward between us. Whether they will feel awkward I really don't know. Then that way I know if I ever bump into her in the future, which I no doubt will, I won't be scared *****less like I have been every time I go out. Like you said if I text her she would probably not see any point in meeting or even replying. This way its a casual thing with no expectations from either of us. Just want to be friendly and show no hard feelings.

 

Its a hard one. Its not like before when I wanted to break NC to relieve pain like we all do early on. Its like that last bit of acceptance. Like you say Mike, the pain will always be there. Yes this may indeed make it worse, but it may not.

 

Bottom line I've been NC 3 months, its been a f*cking rollercoaster but it doesn't feel like its going away fully on its own. Confront my demons. I see some flaws in her finally and I'm sure I'll be more aware of these when I see her.

 

The only thing I have to prepare myself for is that she will look gorgeous. that will be hard for me.

 

I get what you're all saying and I would say the same to any of you but this is something I feel I need to do. I agree it will most likely send me back a few steps but I can't cower from the fear of seeing her out.

 

I do not expect her to want me. I do not expect her to be that friendly with me. I do not expect her to watch what she says around me. I have no expectations other than to show myself looking good, with good prospects and hey how are ya, hope you're well.

 

I am fully prepared for the backlash i will get here when I post saturday!

[Mike_d]

sounds like you are going to do what you are going to do regardless of if it is good for you or not. 3 months isnt a long time. I'll hit 2 months this week and I know I have a good 5 or 6 left to go before I can really feel like I'm beginning to get past this. It is important to me, critical actually, that I work really hard to protect myself, watch where I go, what I say to people, etc. I will not put myself in a position to continue to be hurt until I'm strong enough to take that pain on, and I have awhile to go. but that's ok, I'll get there. but I have to do it without taking huge emotional tumbles backwards.

 

I wish you luck this weekend, while I disagree with your direction it is your journey. I'll be curious to hear how the interaction went and how it affected you

[Tally123]

You won't get an ear bashing on here, well not from me anyway. Although i dont agree that its the best thing to do we are here for you and want you to move on. Only you know how you truly feel and if you feel like you have no other choice but to see her then that is totally your call!

If you do go on sat, be prepared for her to not make much effort, not start a conversation. I dont know this will happen, i hope she is civil and gives you the respect you deserve, but you have to be ready for the worse scenario!

So i expect an update on sat or Friday! Pm me if you need another virtual slap round the chops! Ha

Tal

[barese1]

O Mike you make this hard for me. I respect everything you ahve just written. And in a way have been implmenting that myself, avoiding places, made sure I heard no new info ever.

 

I guess I know I'll need months too but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of these girls that make me feel so crap for 6 -10 months. I don't want that anymore. I said from day one I will spend no more than 3 months grieving over this girl and thats it. What you are doing is right for the heart, totaly agree but I'm sick of these women getting over me so quick and me being left behind missing them.

 

Sod that, i wanna just be me. I guess what it comes down to is this. I've been doing those things like you have, running away from the source of the pain and it has helped very very much. i think I need to see she's just a normal person. Not some golden angel I have in my head. I need to knock her off that pedastal she's on.

 

With my previous ex, I begged, pleaded, text, rang emailed her all the time. That was the other extreme. I did both extremes and although NC is vastly superior i think I need a reality check.

 

There is a very good chance I'll be here on the weekend saying "Why did I do it you were all right, I'm such an idiot I miss her loads". If that's the case then I would have learned my lesson properly and will know to never ever attempt anything like that again.

 

I may, on the other hand be here saying "Well it was nice to see her, she looked great but I don't crave her anywhere as much as I thought I would".

 

Lets hope for the latter

[barese1]

You won't get an ear bashing on here, well not from me anyway. Although i dont agree that its the best thing to do we are here for you and want you to move on. Only you know how you truly feel and if you feel like you have no other choice but to see her then that is totally your call!

If you do go on sat, be prepared for her to not make much effort, not start a conversation. I dont know this will happen, i hope she is civil and gives you the respect you deserve, but you have to be ready for the worse scenario!

So i expect an update on sat or Friday! Pm me if you need another virtual slap round the chops! Ha

Tal

 

You must have written that while I was typing away.

 

Thanks Tally, to be fair I would be saying the same things as you too.

 

I have a feeling she will be cold and not make much effort. If thats the case then hopefully it'll make it easier to forget her as now I have this super friendly sweet person in my head.

 

I'm scared I will be posting heartbreak on sat but we'll see.

 

Like I said I want to show that I appear to be in a good place. And would like to just sniff at the possibilities of allowing her back into my life in some small way or whther its not a good idea or even if she would even want that

[Dblock10]

wow lots of activity on this thread bar.

 

seems like your putting a lot of energy into this! if you must see her/ speak to her etc, go to this thing on friday. its far more casual than sending a txt.

 

although... if you send a txt to her, something very casual not indicating you want to meet, on any level, you never know she might "might" mention this party or you could mention it, drop it in, and then it would be like, oh kool see you there. then you have planted the seed.

 

on the other hand, that could back fire, she might not reply and then may make it even more awkward when you see her.. the fact is, there are endless theoretical hypothetical situations that could happen. just stick with a decision and be done!

 

but yeah turn up like i said and just go with it... nothing more you can do mate.

 

what i dont get, is you have a new girl on the go? so thats obviously not as good as this ex is it? or you wouldnt think twice about any of this. you wouldnt care for your ex to see you again looking like a king or like dog ****.

 

ha wish i could see what this girl looks like, bet she isnt as good as your making out.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

Yeah it does indeed feel like I'm putting a lot into this. Woke up this morning thinking its prob not a good idea, but still gonna go through with it.

 

No reason to text her as I'm gonna see her there. We both know each other's going.

 

I do have a new girl, who I like. But I was completely in love with the ex so obviously it'll take me a while to transition.

 

Trust me she does look that good

[I'm nuts]

The are millions upon millions of beautiful girls inhabiting this planet, looks are very temporary, they fade with time, whereas a good heart remains forever.

 

Ask yourself seriously, what do you really miss, her lovely personality or her looks and body?

[Stanza]

It's a good point, looks may come and go

 

I think you should go because you're in and out of wanting to, so then you should and face it and see what happens. It will either show you she still cares or not, if not, then it might give you the final push to close the door....

[barese1]

To be honest I've been thinking that recently. It is her personality as well, but if she didn't look the same way I'm sure I wouldn't care nearly as much. Maybe her looks make her personality seem beter than it is.

 

I really don't think she does still care, scratch that, I know she doesn't still care. This could be a really bad idea but I still feel I should do it but am nervous as hell.

[Tally123]

If you want to go this party on Friday then go, no one can stop you or tell you otherwise...but once youve been and gone, seen her etc and re-evaluated your feelings you NEED to move on!

No texts to her, no then trying to meet up, nothing

Make sure this is your closure! Act in a civil way to her, be the better person.

I really hope this gives you what you want Barese and a chance for you to move on with your life with your new woman - you deserve it

[I'm nuts]

Maybe her looks make her personality seem beter than it is.

 

 

May I ask a nosy question?

 

 

Does she takes lots of photos of herself? I mean face shots?

 

Be very careful of people who are always taking pictures of them self, this is a bad sign.

[barese1]

If you want to go this party on Friday then go, no one can stop you or tell you otherwise...but once youve been and gone, seen her etc and re-evaluated your feelings you NEED to move on!

No texts to her, no then trying to meet up, nothing

Make sure this is your closure! Act in a civil way to her, be the better person.

I really hope this gives you what you want Barese and a chance for you to move on with your life with your new woman - you deserve it

 

I agree with what you say. To be honest I was thinking of it opening the possibility to a friendship, that it may be possible to contact each other afterwards but for what gain? I really don't want her back. I lust for her sure but I do not want to go down that road again, not that it is even an option.

 

I guess i'll have to treat this as a way to show her I'm good without her, once I get that satisfaction I need to drop it as I was thinking about trying to met her next week but why? You're right Tally

[barese1]

 

 

May I ask a nosy question?

 

 

Does she takes lots of photos of herself? I mean face shots?

 

Be very careful of people who are always taking pictures of them self, this is a bad sign.

 

No she doesn't do that. there are loads of pictures of her on fb but she doesn't just snap her face. She is actually very insecure and doesn't realise how pretty she is to be honest

[barese1]

Strange now that I've unblocked her on facebook, I see her comments and pictures all over friends profiles. Not sure how its made me feel.

 

Yeah she looks good, and I wish we were still chatting but I don't think it has made me want her back.

 

Surely this is all good signs?

[Mike_d]

how does unblocking her on FB help you in any way? right now the more thinking about her that you do, the more stalker-ish you become, the more stalker-ish you become the less attractive you will be. are you the guy she fell in love with? or are you that creepy guy now? which one will she want back, and which one will she find repulsive? you are not doing much here to help yourself at all

[barese1]

Mate I know what you're syaing, I'm really not stalking her at all. I'm not trying to get her back or anything.

 

I was the one who chose to block her on facebook. And it just felt like time to unblock her. It wasn't so I could stalk just felt like it had been long enough, it doesn't hurt me that much to see her posts and stuff.

 

My whole intentions for Friday are just to show there are no hard feelings. I'm not going to say that, but just be myself around those people who are friends who I haven't seen for ages.

 

I don't think unblocking someone is creepy, and I haven't once reached out to her in any way, I've done nothing creepy at all. Just needed some time away from her to sort myself out.

 

I'm getting there. yes I would like to be friendly (not friends exactly) for myself. I will find her physically attractive but I don't want to try at a relationship with this girl

[Ruby65]

Mate I know what you're syaing, I'm really not stalking her at all. I'm not trying to get her back or anything.

 

I was the one who chose to block her on facebook. And it just felt like time to unblock her. It wasn't so I could stalk just felt like it had been long enough, it doesn't hurt me that much to see her posts and stuff.

 

My whole intentions for Friday are just to show there are no hard feelings. I'm not going to say that, but just be myself around those people who are friends who I haven't seen for ages.

 

I don't think unblocking someone is creepy, and I haven't once reached out to her in any way, I've done nothing creepy at all. Just needed some time away from her to sort myself out.

 

I'm getting there. yes I would like to be friendly (not friends exactly) for myself. I will find her physically attractive but I don't want to try at a relationship with this girl

 

 

I don't think you're being honest with yourself about your intentions.

 

I think you've unblocked her from FB because you couldn't stand being NC anymore and wanted to know if she was seeing anyone else or posting about you.

 

I think you're rationalizing going to see her because you hope to spark something within her and hopefully get her back.

 

Even though you know that she's already moved on -- and that she was never that invested to begin with, which is why she finally ended what she considered to be the FWB arrangement you had together.

 

To imagine you're even CLOSE to the point of having any kind of "friendship" with this person is ridiculous. You've just spent 3 months battling an extreme depression brought on by missing her and mourning this relationship.

 

Honestly, you should block her again on FB and NOT go to any event she'll be attending. You shouldn't text her, call her, email her or see her in person.

 

This is for your own healing, the NC. There's no closure to be gained from seeing her or stalking her FB page.

 

To say you have NO DESIRE of getting back together with this girl? That's ridiculous -- OF COURSE you do. You're desperate for any kind of contact or information -- and especially you want to see if there's any chance for a reconciliation. Why else would you be reaching out to her now?

 

Of course I'm going to tell you to walk away and continue the NC. Respect yourself enough to move on.

 

Also, you've become involved with someone else. If I was this new woman, and I knew you were planning on seeing this ex at some party this Friday? I'd be dumping you right now.

 

Ultimately it's YOUR choice and everyone here will support you whatever you do.

 

But I think you should at least be honest about what you're doing and why!

[Stanza]

I think that's a very good point about the new woman, in all of the last posts, she's 'forgotten'. She sounded great too.... Perhaps it's time to be honest with her that you're not quite ready and see if she will wait til you are?

 

I agree on the intentions with FB too, mostly because you've been up and down with your feelings on going / not going - and wanting her back / not wanting her back. Today you don't but earlier in the thread you kind of did. Maybe you need to not worry about that though, not about if you do / don't etc, just do what YOU inside what to do with regards to the party and contact.

[barese1]

Hi Ruby I was waiting for you to come and give your no nonsense words!

 

Firstly thank you for doing what you always do, being honest and insightful.

 

I am and always will be honest on here about what I'm feeling. That really is the whole point of posting on here for me.

 

I swear to Santa Clause the unblocking thing just was what it was. It had been three months. Maybe its because I was annoyed at myself for letting it drag on so long. I never once looked at her profile. I won't. What good will that do for me? Like i say I'm 99% sure she is seeing someone but I am not looking for confirmation of this fact at all. She really can do what and who she wants. I don't want to look like some emotional wreck still having her blocked after so long.

 

Yes I've hated NC this whole time as everyone does but I really really truly honestly am not expecting any reconciliation. I'm very realistic (maybe pessimistic) about things like that. I have no expectations of any spark, I genuinely think there will be nothing there for her, as there never really was to begin with. Yes that will hurt but I totally expect a rather cold attitude from her.

 

You are probably right there though. I'm probably not ready for a real friendship now but I would like that one day maybe. Not true friends but at least civil and friendly if I see her in public or when my student friends are together. I've run away and hid from enough events because of this and feel like (hopefully) I can man up enough to enjoy myself with these people who mean a lot to me.

 

I've lived with the fact that I will not get any closure from her. I am not aiming to pursue that at all. I never want to talk to her about "us" or anything like that. I just want to prove to myself that I can deal with this. Yes I want to show her that I am the happy, confident, good looking me but not to win her back. That I swear to you. Its for my own self-esteem perhaps.

 

Why am I feeling the need to reach out to her now? I'm not sure to be honest but I promise its not about reconciliation. We were friends and shared an important part of our lives together, again i don't want to be best buds, but I also don't want to be strangers.

 

Desire to be with her -- honestly I'm not sure, because I know its something that will never ever happen I haven't thought about it. I'm realistic enought to understand that just because I desire her doesn't mean I'll have her. Yes if she turned round to me and said she missed me (she won't) I'd be touched deeply and that would be difficult to take, but there's no risk of that and there's also no risk of me saying the same to her. I have too much dignity and pride for that after previous bad break ups. This may be a reason why I want to go to the party, to show myself as the bigger and better man.

 

 

I won't lie. I will see her, she will be looking stunning and I would like to be able to kiss her and hold her, but that's something I'll just have to deal with. I do not want to give it another go becuase the outcome would be the same, it wouldn't happen, but even if that was the case I like the current girl and would never do that.

 

 

I have told the new girl about the situation. She trusts me and she has every right to. I am always loyal to someone I am seeing, even if the ex threw herself at me (she won't) I would say that. I stand by certain morals that I break for no one.

 

 

I agree with you all. I would be posting the exact same things as you guys. But I've reread every word I've written in this post and it is the truth. I'm sick of running away from this. Sick of pining over her. Sick of thinking do I mean anything to her blah blah blah. None of this matters. If I can face this demon on Friday and it not back me back to square one I will know I am really on the road to recovery.

 

 

I might regret this massively. It might only set me back a little. It (probably won't) not effect me at all. Either way I'm done from feeling and acting like a child who cannot get over this one girl, being in fear of bumping into her. Scared of my graduation in December where I will have to see that.

 

 

This party gives me an opportunity to see her, be civil ina room full of friends. It will make it clear to me how far I really have or haven't moved on. Who knows she might even take a new fella there and I will instantly have nothing but contempt for her...hurt yes...but be angry enough to never want to chat to her again.

 

 

I expect that people will say told you so when I post here afterwards but I also hope for the support and advice that I have gone with time and time again. You have seen that I have never broken NC and done all the good suggestions made. This one mistake, its on me.

[Stanza]

Well I think you should go, I think it might help on that road to closure

[Mike_d]

This one mistake, its on me.

 

that it hasn't happened yet, but you are already calling it a "mistake"... perhaps a ginormus Freudian clue for you? as others have noted, and I'm in agreement, you are being about as far from honest with yourself as one can possibly be. This isn't Disneyland - wishing doesn't make things so...

[Dblock10]

I've lived with the fact that I will not get any closure from her. I am not aiming to pursue that at all. I never want to talk to her about "us" or anything like that. I just want to prove to myself that I can deal with this. Yes I want to show her that I am the happy, confident, good looking me but not to win her back. That I swear to you. Its for my own self-esteem perhaps.

 

from what i'm getting by what your saying, you want her to want you, for validation. you shouldn't need or want that from anyone but you.

 

however i do get why you want to go and i think you should. i agree its been long enough.

 

you say your ex doesn't have pics close up of her face cause she is shy? my ex profile pic is a close up and she is stunning.

 

ive not replied to her last msg, not sure what direction to take from here tbh

[barese1]

that it hasn't happened yet, but you are already calling it a "mistake"... perhaps a ginormus Freudian clue for you? as others have noted, and I'm in agreement, you are being about as far from honest with yourself as one can possibly be. This isn't Disneyland - wishing doesn't make things so...

 

I know the fact that I'm aware it could be a mistake is a sign that its not a good idea. Like I said, I'm sick of hiding and running away from this. I want to face this head on. After this there's no fear of when I bump into her though

[barese1]

I've lived with the fact that I will not get any closure from her. I am not aiming to pursue that at all. I never want to talk to her about "us" or anything like that. I just want to prove to myself that I can deal with this. Yes I want to show her that I am the happy, confident, good looking me but not to win her back. That I swear to you. Its for my own self-esteem perhaps.

 

from what i'm getting by what your saying, you want her to want you, for validation. you shouldn't need or want that from anyone but you.

 

however i do get why you want to go and i think you should. i agree its been long enough.

 

you say your ex doesn't have pics close up of her face cause she is shy? my ex profile pic is a close up and she is stunning.

 

ive not replied to her last msg, not sure what direction to take from here tbh

 

I'm not sure why its coming across that way. I do not want her to want me I just want to present myself looking good and like I say int he last post, face her so I don't worry so much about when I bump into her.

 

My ex is stunning and there are plenty of pics but she doesn't take them of herself in that way. Depends on what her last message was and what you want.

 

I think I'm a believer that getting back with an ex is never a good idea really. Took me a while to think that way but I do. Sure I miss the ex and would love to spend time with her but there would be no point in reconciliation even if that was an option for me.