NC or friends maybe?

[barese1]

Playing on my mind. If I hadn't of asked I'd still in the same position but generally feeling a lot better. Now I keep thinking about it.

 

I keep telling myself it hasn't made much difference to me but it has.

[Calico]

Playing on my mind. If I hadn't of asked I'd still in the same position but generally feeling a lot better. Now I keep thinking about it. I keep telling myself it hasn't made much difference to me but it has.

 

It may help you to move on, though. You may still have clung to some denial and wishful thinking. So now one of the "worst things" (her dating and sleeping with someone else) has come true. That hurts, but it's out of the way and one fear less to suppress.

[barese1]

It may help you to move on, though. You may still have clung to some denial and wishful thinking. So now one of the "worst things" (her dating and sleeping with someone else) has come true. That hurts, but it's out of the way and one fear less to suppress.

 

Thanks Calico, I kinda wanted to see some positives in this situation and I agree with what you say. Its true, there is 100% no wishful thinking now and also nothing else than can make me feel worse to an extent.

 

I spent the evening with the new girl again yesterday and she is great. Maybe hearing this is the push I need to focus completely on the new girl.

[Dblock10]

Thanks Calico, I kinda wanted to see some positives in this situation and I agree with what you say. Its true, there is 100% no wishful thinking now and also nothing else than can make me feel worse to an extent.

 

I spent the evening with the new girl again yesterday and she is great. Maybe hearing this is the push I need to focus completely on the new girl.

 

it comes down to acceptance. if you need to hear that sort of thing to reach acceptance then thats maybe what you need to do.. you are in the ideal situation you have a new distraction. i have no one and am in a hole atm to be perfectly honest. i do think oh i could just reply to her and stay friendly etc, but it doesnt mean i'll get her back or to be with her. she moved away. i cant pretend she isnt living up her life. i need to do the same.

[barese1]

it comes down to acceptance. if you need to hear that sort of thing to reach acceptance then thats maybe what you need to do.. you are in the ideal situation you have a new distraction. i have no one and am in a hole atm to be perfectly honest. i do think oh i could just reply to her and stay friendly etc, but it doesnt mean i'll get her back or to be with her. she moved away. i cant pretend she isnt living up her life. i need to do the same.

 

True. I guess I thought I had accepted things but now I see that it reallllllly is over. I thought I knew that already but seeing her and hearing this confirms beyond any doubt that things were different' I'd heard it from friends a million times before but now have seen it first hand.

 

The new girl is more than a distraction. That would be unfair to her if that's all she was. I genuinely like her but yes it has helped massively. I think if I was single now (although its early with the new girl) I would be so devastated that the ex was out sleeping with someone else.

 

I wish I had the energy to treat the new girl as well as I did the ex, in fact I even said that to her last night. She understands that basically the last few girls haven't appreciated what I did for them so I find it diffuclt to really give myself to anyone new. F&ck she's great. Pretty, intelligent, good in bed and a genuine person. I wish I hadn't met the ex because I believe things could be more with this girl but the way I am, I won't allow myself to get attached. Shame though but maybe that will change over time.

[barese1]

So went to see the therapist today. Honestly she was absolutely useless. I explained all that had happened since I last saw her. She just said, yep looks like you're reaching acceptance and are doing really well?!?

 

But is she right? Lets be honest here. I miss the ex still. Not anywhere as much as I once did. Would I take her back? Mmmm, probably not as I know it would end in nothing but disaster. I thought hearing her being with someone else would cause me to break down. I don't like it but haven't shed a single tear or even pictured 'them'. I have complete, no bulls&it understanding that it is fully over. I have complete understanding that I wasn't that important so...

 

I feel down and not great but is this the start of me getting better? Is the therapist right? Am I transitioning to acceptance? It doesn't feel like it

[barese1]

Think people are fed up with this thread but I still need it as an outlet.

 

I'm still thinking about the ex, but not as much. I'm still questioning if it would have been better for me to not know about her being with someone else but...

 

Every now and then I get waves of. You know what its fine. we're both in different places with new people now and I feel ok about it. This weekend I know she'll be with her new man so we'll see how that effects me.

 

In a way I am glad as no matter what I said and really believed I guess a part of me was holding on to some hope. After she wanted to be friends again I maybe subconciously thought it could lead to something. At leas all that is squashed. Also I didn't have to hear about it from friends.

 

Makes me laugh, when my friend told me she had moved on about a month ago I guess this is what she meant. Hearing she had moved on upset the hell out of me, I cried etc. Now I feel a little unhappy about her being with someone but not destroyed.

 

I guess it really does take me a long time to truely get over someone 6+ months probably. I'm just over 4 months in so hopefully I'm getting there.

 

Like I thought I haven't heard from her and I haven't contacted her which is good. I no doubt will see her over the next two weeks with my masters lot and just hope it doesn't make it even harder. I got a text from the new girl last night and it made me really happy - again good signs.

[barese1]

Its been a strange weekend. I started thinking about the new girl a lot which is great. I want to spend time with her and it makes me excited.

 

That said I still feel anxious. I still miss the ex. The fact she's been with her new guy all weekend hasn't bothered me though. That's a ggod thing right?

 

So why do I still miss her? Why when I read threads on LS about how dumpers feel nothing for their exs, wish them well but no romantic interest at all (exactly how the ex feels about me) does it hurt?

 

I know we're never ever ever going to get back together but I still imagine it from time to time. The more time I spend away from her the moe I remember how good looking she is. But when I've seen her and realised she's not all that I start to see what I like in her personality. Its frustrating.

 

She messaged me today asking if I got the new job. See I know that she just sees me as a friend and is over me, and she thinks I'm fully over her. I wish I was, I just don't get why I still miss her. The new girl is better in sooooo many ways so why am I still missing the ex???

 

Any advice on what I should do?

[Dblock10]

Its been a strange weekend. I started thinking about the new girl a lot which is great. I want to spend time with her and it makes me excited.

 

That said I still feel anxious. I still miss the ex. The fact she's been with her new guy all weekend hasn't bothered me though. That's a ggod thing right?

 

So why do I still miss her? Why when I read threads on LS about how dumpers feel nothing for their exs, wish them well but no romantic interest at all (exactly how the ex feels about me) does it hurt?

 

I know we're never ever ever going to get back together but I still imagine it from time to time. The more time I spend away from her the moe I remember how good looking she is. But when I've seen her and realised she's not all that I start to see what I like in her personality. Its frustrating.

 

She messaged me today asking if I got the new job. See I know that she just sees me as a friend and is over me, and she thinks I'm fully over her. I wish I was, I just don't get why I still miss her. The new girl is better in sooooo many ways so why am I still missing the ex???

 

Any advice on what I should do?

 

hey man, sorry to see your struggling still. I think the problem you have is, you jumped into a new relationship or what ever it is between you and the new girl too quickly. and didn't get closure within yourself from this previous girl.

 

its obvious you still fancy her and so the part of you that wants to still put your penis in her is holding on.

 

not sure what advice i can give you, you seem to be very fixated on the ex, you need to let her go however you do this comes down to you.

[barese1]

hey man, sorry to see your struggling still. I think the problem you have is, you jumped into a new relationship or what ever it is between you and the new girl too quickly. and didn't get closure within yourself from this previous girl.

 

its obvious you still fancy her and so the part of you that wants to still put your penis in her is holding on.

 

not sure what advice i can give you, you seem to be very fixated on the ex, you need to let her go however you do this comes down to you.

 

Ha love how you put it. Yes I do still fancy the ex, really not sure why though. I miss the physical but also her as a person. Again though I don't feel particularly jealous she's with somone else so I can't understand why I'm not feeling fully over her.

 

Maybe it was too soon to start seeing someone new but I really like the new girl and don't think about the ex at all when I'm with her. I don't compare the two either.

 

I don't think I ever would've got closure from the ex though so when I met someone I liked I tried to give it a go and still aim to try. I just want to stop thinking about the ex and why she doesn't feel anything for me. It really doesn't matter anymore!

[barese1]

Just had a wave of positivity.

 

Glad I can speak to the ex if I want but glad to be with someone else.

 

Why do emotions change in a heartbeat???

[Stanza]

It's the rollercoaster isn't it. I'm sorry it's so hard, I think that you know what's right (new girl) but the emotions will be there a while, you just gotta flow with it and go back to that picture of her at the party being annoying on the phone and worrying about her dubious sounding fake tan running off in the rain. Who needs that

[veggirl]

 

Glad I can speak to the ex if I want but glad to be with someone else.

 

 

What does that mean, glad you can speak to the ex if you want? You shouldn't be speaking to her, it's making it harder for you to move on and being her FB friend or texting about jobs is fake friendship that you are not ready for and is hurting you in the long run.

 

I really think you need to delete your ex off FB again and stop texting her.

 

Your new girl must be very patient...

[Dblock10]

What does that mean, glad you can speak to the ex if you want? You shouldn't be speaking to her, it's making it harder for you to move on and being her FB friend or texting about jobs is fake friendship that you are not ready for and is hurting you in the long run.

 

I really think you need to delete your ex off FB again and stop texting her.

 

Your new girl must be very patient...

 

i think he means if he wants to he can as in he has the power to do so, but doesnt need to.. freedom of mind

 

i agree about the fake friendship thing though. i dont have time for that with my ex.

[barese1]

Stanza - yeah its quite annoying, would be good to maintain some emotional stability for a bit but again I see some real positives during the shi^tty times. Focus is most definately on the new girl, she really is a sweetheart. And yes I need to remind myself of what I saw at that party, just last time I saw what I liked but I'll just forget that!

 

veggirl - Its like dblock says, I'm never going to be the one to text/fb my ex but I'm happy that I'm free to if I did want (which I won't). Like I said I don't ever ever stalk her on fb so don't really mind having her as a friend there. As much as I still miss her its not like it once was. I agree maintaining contact is probably not helping but I'm kinda cold with it. I just replied to her message about the interview without opening up a dialogue.

 

See I don't want to be in contact really as I know it doesn't help BUT I don't want that to be a forced option. Its my choice this way, and I'd prefer if she thought everything was rosey with me (yes I know it doesn't matter but I'd like to come across fine rather than weak). Again I am not trying to open the lines of communication at all.

 

dblock - Yeah it is a fake friendship really. More an aquaintance, but like I said I'm not reaching out to her at all, so then eventually I won't care about her in the slightest and I just prefer it like this rather than appearing that I cannot handle speaking to her...it'll happen in time, as long as she doesn't pester me constantly but I don't think she will

[Dblock10]

you dont stalk her fb page like i dont either, makes me wonder why we keep them there lol...

 

i know what you mean about being cold with it, but then whats the point in that? thats why i stopped replying to my ex, i dont want to talk about **** how was work? etc only to find out shes living her life up 10x better than me.

 

it wouldnt be a forced option if you chose not to talk to her.. thats a decision only you can make, its like otherwise where do you draw the line? plus this girl never even cared about you...

 

let her go.

 

and yeah i think it is a fake relationship/friendship and sure you could consider them an acquaintance but they chose to move on not us.

 

i guess yeah you are not reaching out, and so maybe i should keep in touch with my ex but also not reach out first. saying that its been a month now and not spoke to her. the way i see it, she isnt the person i thought she would be. she has her life i have mine, i want to be happy and from what i imagine she is happy to.

Edited September 10, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

I'm not cold cold, just don't try to start any conversation. It is probably a pointless exercise as it just means she is guilt free but as I always say I'd prefer that I could call her if I wanted to but at the same time I won't.

 

Mate they always seem like their living it up. My ex is. She's young, pretty and is always out and about. Who cares though. She probably thinks I'm living a crazy life at the mo, but I don't care what she thinks I'm doing with myself.

 

Yup she never did care. I always thought she did but na! Like I say I'm deciding never to reach out to her, I will never initiate contact but at the same time have had to accept I will see her around over the next two weeks (but probably never again after that) which is why I'd prefer things the way they are now rather than blocking her/ ignoring her little texts. When she contacts me I don't feel sad or read into it at all, so its not really harming me or making me miss her more. I just keep reminding myself she's off with someone else, that hurts but it does make it easier. If not I would probably be reading into these breadcrumbs.

 

My overall goal is not to win her back, make her miss me or regret her decision. Its to get to a point of indifference but still have her in my life (not as a close friend but someone who I can still catch up with).

 

Its just my nature. I want to be liked by everyone. My goal is to not see her in that way anymore. It feels like that will never happen though but only time and doing productive things can make that happen.

 

Still miss her loads and loads but with every day passing I accept my situation and appreciate what I do have rather than what I did have.

[barese1]

Right so the saga continues. I'm throwing a massive party at our house in a couple of weeks. Just because its about time and also coz master's will be over. The ex just facebooked be small talk and asking if the party was on.

 

I've decided that I'm gonna tell her I'd like her there but think it might be awkward for the new girl so not to come. I know what this will mean. I'll probably never hear from her again as she'll feel uncomfortable talking to me but I guess that's for the best.

 

What do you guys think? Its making me anxious just thinking about this really and I know it'll be hard but this will probably lead to NC again which is probably for the best.

 

Advice please people

[bluefairy812]

hey barese,

 

it would be such a blow to her pretty and young ego if you told her not coming would be the best idea. in her mind, she knows you want her to be there.. so by saying "nope. sorry :)" it will definitely let her know you are moving on up!!!

[barese1]

Thanks bluefairy.

 

I know its true, I guess I know that this will be me severring the chord...again so is probably for the best but also I know it'll sting in the short term.

 

Does everyone else agree with bluefairy?

[Tally123]

Barese...NO!!!! Do not tell her "you would like her to be there"....

 

First thing you need to do (I personally think) is speak to this girl youre now seeing, (i assume she is invited), tell her that obvioulsy you will be inviting lots of friends etc and if she finds it too awkward with the ex being there then you understand and wont invite the ex. Let's face it...your loyalty should now lie towards your new girl and her feelings, not what your ex thinks.

If this new girl does care about her being there then explain that to the ex...or actually dont - you dont owe her an explanation!

[barese1]

Barese...NO!!!! Do not tell her "you would like her to be there"....

 

First thing you need to do (I personally think) is speak to this girl youre now seeing, (i assume she is invited), tell her that obvioulsy you will be inviting lots of friends etc and if she finds it too awkward with the ex being there then you understand and wont invite the ex. Let's face it...your loyalty should now lie towards your new girl and her feelings, not what your ex thinks.

If this new girl does care about her being there then explain that to the ex...or actually dont - you dont owe her an explanation!

 

Hi Tally. Good to have you back! Funny I literally just decided that myself. I'm seeing the new girl, her names Rhiannon by the way I hate calling her the new girl. So I'm seeing Rhi tomorrow and am going to ask her how she feels about it because she is my priority. Thing is the ex and me have loads of mutual friends from the course who I really want to come but couldn't ask them if I said no to her.

 

I'm gonna speak to Rhi and if she's fine with it then sod it. There'll be loads of people here so it won't be awkward for me and the ex, and as long as Rhi won't feel awkward then its all good.

 

Hopefully thats the best solution! (For me and Rhi)

[barese1]

It is all a bit strange. The ex completely gets it if Rhi isn't cool with her being around at the party. I know she will be, so honestly the only person it might be awkward for is me!!

 

I hope not but we'll see, wish we didn't have close mutual friends otherwise I wouldn't have invited the ex at all but as we're now friendly and its after the course it would seem petty not to!

 

Hopefully this exposure will help like it did the first time.

[Dblock10]

It is all a bit strange. The ex completely gets it if Rhi isn't cool with her being around at the party. I know she will be, so honestly the only person it might be awkward for is me!!

 

I hope not but we'll see, wish we didn't have close mutual friends otherwise I wouldn't have invited the ex at all but as we're now friendly and its after the course it would seem petty not to!

 

Hopefully this exposure will help like it did the first time.

 

 

so have you told the ex then? and she gets it? yet your still inviting her? i agree the mutual mates thing makes it weird, but they should understand if you told them for rhi etc etc.

 

dont know how your doing it tbh, i couldnt hang about with my ex as a friend. just wouldnt want to, id always want more even if i knew it was all wrong and had a new gf.

 

guess it depends how much i like the new girl and how much id let the ex go though tbh

[barese1]

I haven't told the ex that its me that might feel weird, just that Rhi might. Gonna chat to Rhi tonight and see the situation.

 

Yes it will be tough but like I said, its completely over with the ex. I know most people just never chat to their exs again but I'm friends with all but one of mine and this girl was a good friend of mine before we were together.

 

Our mutual mates wouldn't come if the ex didn't, and I kinda get that to be honest as everyone thinks I'm over her. I'm not completely there but it is happening more day by day. There's gonna be loads of people at this party so its not like it'll just be me, Rhi and the ex.

 

Its two weeks from now anyway.