NC or friends maybe?

[Tally123]

Your mutual mates wouldnt come if the ex didnt? how old are they?? 12??

Cant be that great mates if they wouldnt understand and therefore wouldnt come to your party?!

 

Anyway let us know how it pans out!

[barese1]

I know it sounds rather juvenail. But we were very close as a group on the course. Some of them lived with her too. I think they would just feel they would be betraying their friend especially as me and the ex live in the same town and none of them do.

 

I'm sure it'll be ok. I don't want the ex back at all. Am happy (in a way) that she is seeing someone, and me too. Means that even if I did want reconciliation it wouldn't happen, like I said though I don't as it would only end in tears.

 

The only thing is although I don't love her any more I am still attracted to her. Sounds a little shallow but it is what it is. I plan to have a great night with Rhi tonight anyway, I do not think about the ex when I'm with her at all which is how I know that I genuinely like her. In the past when I've got with somone some time after a relationship I was constantly comparing, I was with other girls I dated before Rhi. Now I don't.

 

Funny though, a friend said last night that the two are quite similar. They are in many ways but not in many others. Rhi has more of a decent head on her shoulders for sure.

[barese1]

Have had to work form home today and find myself reading through all the posts on LS. It upsets me that there are som many of us who really struggle with the end of a relationship. I just wish that everyone here (me included) reaches that magic stage of indifference.

 

Finding that I still think of the ex but really not us getting together. Plus I know our 'friendship' will die soon enough and it doesn't really bother me.

 

I hope these feelings continue. I hope things improve for everyone. If I had one wish that would be it, not getting our exs back. Think I'm getting there finally.

[veggirl]

It is all a bit strange. The ex completely gets it if Rhi isn't cool with her being around at the party. I know she will be, so honestly the only person it might be awkward for is me!!

 

Even if Rhi tells you she is cool with your ex being there, she likely actually isn't and is just trying to be polite. I think it's pretty messed up to put this new girl in the position of having to be like "yes your ex can come" I mean what do you expect her to say?! She's not going to be a bitch and say "omg no!" she is going to go with the flow and not rock the boat, but I bet she will feel like s.hit.

 

I hope not but we'll see, wish we didn't have close mutual friends otherwise I wouldn't have invited the ex at all but as we're now friendly and its after the course it would seem petty not to!

 

oh please. Have your mutual friends never had a break up before? This just sounds like an excuse to invite your ex, tbh.

 

 

Yes it will be tough but like I said, its completely over with the ex. I know most people just never chat to their exs again but I'm friends with all but one of mine and this girl was a good friend of mine before we were together.

 

honestly, this sounds like blahblahblah, suddenly you are randomly okay with being friends? out of nowhere, really. Are you being honest with yourself, you are ready to be friends, ready to see her with another man if that's the case? or are you just trying to convince yourself you are okay with being friends?

 

Our mutual mates wouldn't come if the ex didn't, and I kinda get that to be honest as everyone thinks I'm over her.

 

really? your friends told you "we will not come to your party if you do not invite your ex girlfriend?"

 

nice friends

 

ETA: 2 days ago...TWO DAYS AGO...you wrote that you still fancy your ex. Now suddenly you are claiming to be indifferent? how did that happen.... ? I think you're fooling yourself.

[barese1]

Hi veggirl, I knew someone would rip apart my post.

 

Yes my mutual friends have had break ups before and I know it seems strange that they would be unhappy if I didn't inivte the ex but as I said they think I'm completely over it, 100% so why would I not invite her in their eyes? Especially as we have spent time together as a group. They would also not go to a party at hers if I wasn't invited, its not about picking sides.

 

Yes I know I put Rhi in an awkward situation, she couldn't really say no. I understand that. But this all comes from me wanting to be fully moved on. The last thing I can do (if you see my previous posts I've already done everything possible) is to simply act like I am moved on and hopefully that last bit of recovery will kick in.

 

I never said I was randomly ready to be friends. I have said constantly that I can handle contact but don't want to be best buds. I know she has a boyfriend and it hasn't bothered me any where near as much as I thought it would. I am still not ok with being proper friends, but am ok with being friendly.

 

I do still fancy my ex and I'm not indifferent. I never said that I was. I feel I'm heading in the right direction but I'm still way off yet. I'm trying all these strange sounding things to give me that final push to getting there.

[barese1]

Its funny how after about 5 months since the BU (I think) I have moments where I feel completely content and accepting of what has happened. Then there are still feelings of sh*t its really over and such....

 

Its tough, I miss the ex but don't love her any more. I guess time and concentrating on other things has helped no end but I still want to get to a point where the whole thing is completely behind me. Not sure how to just get to that last point of the journey.

 

NC helped no end but I never changed my feelings of her until breaking NC. Break ups are crap but inevitable I guess

[barese1]

Had to print off some pictures for a present for a friend. The ex is in one of the shots. In fact it was her birthday where we had the only fight while we were together. She thought I was kissing another girl (course I wasn't).

 

Funny I look at the picture and think wow you are gorgeous but I don't look at it in pain.

 

Onwards and upwards

[Dblock10]

hmm interesting. yeah truth be told i have avoided fb now for a month. i am scared (of my own emotions) of what seeing a new pic of her will do to me. yet ive done it before. but its never been of her and another guy. im thinking i may not be so lucky now since she has lived abroad for coming up 3 months (already? wtf!!) and i did not reply to her on fb 4 weeks today.

 

ive been trying to put things into perspective and at times i hate her, and at times i cant believe she has gone. i know at this point there is nothing i can do. and i do sit and wonder if i am a bad person for not staying in touch.

 

i also wonder why i still think of her since she isnt even in the same country and time zones way out. added to the fact she clearly has other distractions and has basically made or making a new life for herself. i dont know her anymore, i dont know what she does, who she hangs out with, nothing.

 

yeah i didnt stay in touch to find out that stuff, what good is it to me? end of the day she isnt here with or around me. im not some tag along ive got my own life to live and she chose clearly not to be a part of mine.

 

her asking where i work is merely chit chat, who cares..

 

id absolutely love for her to want to be with me again but its not going to happen and it may never happen again.

 

i do wonder what to do if i see she is with another man, i know it would hurt and anger me. part of me thinks maybe let some steam off onto her for saying she had feelings then leaving again. then silence would be fully justified, but at the same time i don't want her to always remember that we stopped talking on those terms.

 

4 weeks ago i though the easiest thing to do would be to distance myself mentally and then see where i'm at. it feels like i have to face the music at some point and i will see new photos of her. so what do i do.

[barese1]

Hey dblock, just unsubscribe from her and never ever stalk. I only see pics of my ex when she writes to me or posts on my wall. Its a very pretty picture of her, and that alone is enough to keep me from looking at her profile. NO WAY.

 

To be fair, if you're not talking to her then you might as well block her from all sites. Why keep her there if the two of you aren't talking?

 

Have you got your own thread by the way? I haven't seen one just wondering.

 

I know I've been in contact with my ex again so sound like I'm contradicting myself. The truth is though, like you I may miss her but I know we're never going to be together. I know that as a fact made of brick and shoved down my throat. It has finally sunk in. So yes I may miss her but knowing this truth finally means I'm starting to really accept the situation. I no longer fantasize of a day where she will want me again.

 

She is completely happy to be friends, sees me in no other way. She beleives I feel the same. Good. I don't want her knowing I miss her. I've decided today that after the party I will never contact her again. I haven't since we've split (haven't initiated I mean) and realised that after the party there will never be a time where we'll be doing things as a group, so that will be the last time I see her (till graduation). I still believe its better to be in the situation that I'm in rather than strict NC. I won't call her/text her/email her BUT knowing if I did I'd get a friendly response just makes it easier to deal with...I can't really explain why.

 

I feel better and worse as the days go by. Better knowing I'm moving on finally, but maybe worse in the sense that I worry I'll never feel that way about anyone.

 

Regardless Sunday 22nd september will be day 1 of NC for me again, but with a vastly positive outlook than when it was forced upon me. This time its my choice and I'll know that I presented myself as not giving a sh&t to the ex and everyone else. Sounds childish but I'd prefer it like that, I looked weak and pathetic in front of my last ex. I look indifferent and happy in front of this one. No doubt in the future we will be strangers like I am with the old ex, but when I reach that stage of indifference I'll be able to look back and be proud that I didn't look like a pathetic human being.

[Dblock10]

i unsubscribed the day we broke up and never looked on her profile until a year later and then looked through every single photo lol... but i felt nothing to be frank :/ sure she looked nice but it felt like i didn't know her

 

BUT... there is no escape from seeing her picture on fb (that small fb picture) in the boxes or at the side where the list of people to chat to comes up.. because we used to speak so much she is always on that list of chat even if she is offline, again because fb thinks its a close friend of mine.

 

i know we are not talking but its more that we "stopped" talking because i chose to try and heal more and accept its over. hearing her say how it had been over a year did that quite a lot of justice.

 

sorry i didnt mean to hijack, i do have a thread here > http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/344565-ex-reconnect-then-goes-2.html and there has been great advice. it all points to removing her as you say.

 

no i think your in contact for a reason just now, for me there didn't feel like a reason anymore like she isnt here, chose not to be, it hurts me she moved away. Of course i want her to be happy and all that but it is still hard for me.

 

i think not talking to your ex again will help you and i totally agree about it not being forced this time, and it makes one hell of a difference. having the freedom to do or not to do something will give you peace of mind. before i felt like i had to keep talking to her every once in a while, in hope of getting her back. this time i dont feel like she is coming back but ironically i will be moving to the country she is now in as i have planned to do so for many years.

 

i worry i wont feel the same again as well about someone else mainly because id be scared to allow it to happen.

 

 

thats right keeping dignity is what it is all about

[todreaminblue]

Hey loveshackers, I posted the following in another thread and had some advice but I'd like as much feedback from you guys as I can possibly get and I'm a crossroads now.

 

I'll try to keep this brief because I've read some long stories on here and you do drift off but here goes....

 

I met a very sweet, altruistic, intelligent girl who was stunning and absolutely filthy in bed. I was 29 and she was 22. She had just come out of a 6 year relationship (only other person she had had sex with) and met me a couple of months after. From day 1 she told me she never wanted anything serious. We were together for 6 months and by all acounts were boyfriend and girlfriend but she continually told me she didn't want it to be serious but wasn't seeing anyone else and really liked me.

 

One day I realised I had fallen for her and told her how I felt knowing the response. I ended it there and then but as always she said she really wanted to be friends with me. We met once after that but fooled around. I kept telling myself that with time she would come running but then it hit me, she wouldn't. She liked me but hadn't lived her life freely so I cannot blame her.

 

I am nearly 2 weeks into NC. Its really for me to heal not a way to get her back. The thing is I'm struggling to eat, sleep, concentrate, have fun and just be me. I know that I could ring her and meet up and have a nice time, who knows maybe something would happen but I know a relationship is out of the question. Should I keep strong and try and maintain NC or meet her? I know we will never be more than casual or friends but these feelings of missing her are driving me insane. I know what most of you will say, but I guess I need to hear it...

 

Thanks guys, much love

 

 

Yes NC is hard and healing takes time necessary though, i hope that you can move on from her.I wish you luck......let her go.Its a shame that she wasnt into a relationship with you you sound like a caring guy.

 

 

Dont wait for her.A favourite quote of mine is."If you love someone set them free if they come back to you they are yours forever if they dont come back.They were never yours to begin with".....good luck best wishes and a happy healing conclusion......deb

[barese1]

dblock - I didn't relaise you'd been split for a year. Are you still struggling? I know what you mean about that small picture but honestly if its bothering you that much block or delete her then it won't be there. I can handle that little picture. Its annoying that she looks so dam hot in it, but thats all I think when I see it.

 

I guess you're right. The contact doors are open but like I say its really nothing. we don't hang out the two of us or even chat on the phone, its friendly but nothing major. Still better in a way, but I will go NC fully once this dissertation is done. A prime example is her texting me tonight asking uni related questions. Every message from her reaks of 'I'm over you' but its ok, it just reinforces that fact, which hurts but helps. I have accepted things after hearing of her new guy. I realised some time ago that me being in her life wouldn't get her back. If she chose to end it and not chase me after thinking it was a mistake then nothing I would have done would of changed that. That's why I waited until a time came where I wouldn't be trying to get her back. Can safely say I'm not at all.

 

Like I said though too much contact and I'll start seeing what it was I fell for in the first place. Hence why I'll cut it all off and have a clean break when I know all our mutual uni friends go their own ways. They'll be no reason for her to call or text me and vice versa.

 

I feel I won't give my heart to someone else but honestly I thought that before until I met the ex. One day someone will turn up that we do want to give it too. I don't think the current girl is the one for me but I like her a lot and want to see how my feelings evolve for her. Its only been a month, I wouldn't expect to be in love now!! Same goes for you buddy, it'll happen when it happens. Can't force it.

 

todreaminblue - Hi, I think you may have posted on the early days of this thread. It is a shame she didn't want a relationship with me, it could have been something special but you can't make someone feel a certain way. I feel that when I start NC it will be a LOT easier this time, when I originally did it after the BU it hurt like hell. This time I think I'll miss her a bit and wonder what she's up too but without the heartbreak. It will be like losing a friend in a way.

 

In a way I think there is something to be said for faking it until you make it. When I was full NC I think I was in denial, or expected something to happen and didn't really begin to get over her. When I broke it the reality of the situation was apparent. I wanted to look moved on and happy, in a way this has rubbed off on me. I foresee that after NC, it'll take me realistically a few months (say 3-4) but by that point I will be fully moved on, not just getting there as I am now. Basically our graduation is in December, I hope to be well on my way at that point. Probably the last time I ever see her

[Dblock10]

yeah its been a year nearly. struggling no, confused and a bit numb yes. if you read my post it explains the story and basically i let old wounds open up and salt and vinegar to be poured back in. she told me she still had feelings so that massively made me think she would want to be back with me. i was wrong

 

block or delete her? how do you block? isn't this just hiding there news feed etc? if so ive done that. thats right, too much contact is bad. i think your right. it will happen when it will happen.

 

you say your go fully NC once the diss is done, do you mean delete her or just never talk to her again even if she speaks to you?

Edited September 13, 2012 by Dblock10

[barese1]

yeah its been a year nearly. struggling no, confused and a bit numb yes. if you read my post it explains the story and basically i let old wounds open up and salt and vinegar to be poured back in. she told me she still had feelings so that massively made me think she would want to be back with me. i was wrong

 

block or delete her? how do you block? isn't this just hiding there news feed etc? if so ive done that. thats right, too much contact is bad. i think your right. it will happen when it will happen.

 

you say your go fully NC once the diss is done, do you mean delete her or just never talk to her again even if she speaks to you?

 

Aaaah. That's the difference between our stories I guess. My ex never had feelings for me so will never say that to me. Hurts but it does make it easier for me as there's no false hope or anything from her to make me question whether there's a chance. In a way its harsh but fair.

 

Block block block!!! Its different. you will not see her picture, posts she does, anything. It'll completely hide your profiles from each other. I did that in the early days and it helps massively. Just google it.

 

Well after the disso, I won't delete her. Like I say I never look at her profile I have self control there. She won't speak to me afterwards either, she'll have no need to. And like you say she isn't a true friend so I know I won't hear from her. Therefore pretty much in just over a week we'll be strangers to each other. Still not over the moon about it but I know its for the best. When the day comes that I'm fully over her I may call her, but by then I won't even want to probably!

[Dblock10]

ah block sounds like delete then lol

 

yeah if you know she had no feelings for you that would make it a lot easier. yeah my ex told me about these feelings hence my hope went pretty high. when i asked her about it when she moved away she then told me how she was happy being single and wasn't looking plus even if she were then she was like in another country.. also stating to me how it had been over a year when i asked how she could just up and leave what ever i meant to her behind..

 

but she didn't stay around so i guess its her actions i need to listen to, not her words. im just trying to accept it. i cant hang around for her and stay in touch with the false hope it may lead to more one day. i did that for a year and she left again regardless. so yeah ive been hurt pretty bad by it as i do really like her but then you have to look at the hard facts.

 

she told me she doesnt make plans so basically she wont be waiting for me in the country she moved to. it all points to me being strong and letting go

[barese1]

ah block sounds like delete then lol

 

yeah if you know she had no feelings for you that would make it a lot easier. yeah my ex told me about these feelings hence my hope went pretty high. when i asked her about it when she moved away she then told me how she was happy being single and wasn't looking plus even if she were then she was like in another country.. also stating to me how it had been over a year when i asked how she could just up and leave what ever i meant to her behind..

 

but she didn't stay around so i guess its her actions i need to listen to, not her words. im just trying to accept it. i cant hang around for her and stay in touch with the false hope it may lead to more one day. i did that for a year and she left again regardless. so yeah ive been hurt pretty bad by it as i do really like her but then you have to look at the hard facts.

 

she told me she doesnt make plans so basically she wont be waiting for me in the country she moved to. it all points to me being strong and letting go

 

Yes block is like delete, but more so. They can never see anything you do or search for you. To be honest if its been a year and you still feel this way then maybe you should do it. A year of flase hope? That's not good mate

[barese1]

So I always said how great the sex was with the ex. It was for me but now I wonder something. With Rhi the sex again is great. But I'm aware why. We go at it for literally hours, every position over every possible bit of furniture.

 

Now I realise I didn't quite do that with the ex. Sure it was good but we didn't have these marathon sessions. It makes me question whether that's why it ended. Ha it sounds so stupid I know, but realised I did everything perfectly with the ex but now with the new girl its like a couple of horny teenagers.

 

Is this just something that blokes think after a break up. As in, looking for any potential answer?

[Dblock10]

have a read of this mate You Need To Get Over Your Ex Girlfriend

 

good stuff on that. one article states

 

"Men try and rationalize everything. You can turn every scenario over in your mind and try and figure out what would have happened differently if you did this or did that.

 

But it is what it is. It has happened, the decision has been made. Cease the rationalization and accept the facts. Getting over a relationship is much easier when you spare yourself the mental hula hoops."

 

 

i know a year of false hope. kinda depressing.

[barese1]

Thanks for that. I've read similar and know its true.

 

Just annoying, I literally don't regret anything else I did when we were together. I don't think what if I did this or that. Nothing at all. I was me and that's all I can be.

 

I just don't want to be thought of as crap in bed

 

I think this is down to the fact I'm having pretty much rampant sex now, haha. As much as I loved sex with the ex I just wondered if she felt the same. At the same time I don't like to think of us at it becuase its upsetting.

 

O ho hum. I look forward to the day that I don't give a single sh&t about any of this. It will come. I know that now. Just a matter of when...

[barese1]

Still get texts from her about work related stuff.

 

I was wrong this sh&t does hurt. I know that a week tomorrow I will never hear from her, nor contact her again.

 

I won't say breaking NC has sent me to square one but the reminders that she is sooooo over me from every contact is just frustrating. In a way I'm excited to starting NC with a new frame of mind. A true understanding of this being dead and buried. No false hope.

 

I wish I could fast forward to 6 months from now and see how I'm doing

[Dblock10]

exactly mate, even if it wasn't work related stuff, such as asking what had you been up to? then how would you feel?

 

its all relative.

 

no need to talk to this one anymore. gotta let it go.

[barese1]

I know mate. If they ever want you back they'd make it clear. There is no point being friends with them. I thought my feelings for her had pretty much vanished but they are still there, otherwise these pointless messages wouldn't hurt.

 

Like I said basically one week and I can have a clean break. I know I could just say to her now, sorry but I still have feelings for you so can we not talk but like I've always said in this thread it would make me feel weak and wouldn't change anything.

 

I'd prefer to bow out with her thinking I'm already over her. I know it shouldn't matter but if the end result is the same (we never speak to each other again) then I'd prefer to come across as though I don't care rather than her thinking 'wow he still isn't over me'.

[Dblock10]

yeah cause my ex would ask how "this or that was" but ultimately it doesn't mean anything. her words saying how it had been over a year and happy to be single should be enough for me to let her go.

 

and yeah id like to be able to stay in touch with her, but what would that do? it would just cause me some form of pain or at least install hope which would no doubt lead to pain. she isnt in this country and i dont know if we will ever see each other again. sad but its the truth.

 

i guess you can only "chat" when you have no feelings at all. but by then would you?

 

I've been feeling weak today not sure why and have thought about dropping her a message but then i have to remember i wasn't a priority to this girl and may not ever be.

 

i dont think you can be "friends" with an ex that you developed true feelings for. at least i cant anyway. sure i could tell her these things but as you say, why basically make your balls shrink in front of them?

 

i dont know if id want to come across as not caring, as i do. but i also don't want to keep hurting myself or installing false hope.

 

ive been thinking of making contact just to ask her purely "why would you say you had feelings for me" and basically tell her to enjoy her new life, im clearly not a part of it now and that was her choice

[barese1]

yeah cause my ex would ask how "this or that was" but ultimately it doesn't mean anything. her words saying how it had been over a year and happy to be single should be enough for me to let her go.

 

and yeah id like to be able to stay in touch with her, but what would that do? it would just cause me some form of pain or at least install hope which would no doubt lead to pain. she isnt in this country and i dont know if we will ever see each other again. sad but its the truth.

 

i guess you can only "chat" when you have no feelings at all. but by then would you?

 

I've been feeling weak today not sure why and have thought about dropping her a message but then i have to remember i wasn't a priority to this girl and may not ever be.

 

i dont think you can be "friends" with an ex that you developed true feelings for. at least i cant anyway. sure i could tell her these things but as you say, why basically make your balls shrink in front of them?

 

i dont know if id want to come across as not caring, as i do. but i also don't want to keep hurting myself or installing false hope.

 

ive been thinking of making contact just to ask her purely "why would you say you had feelings for me" and basically tell her to enjoy her new life, im clearly not a part of it now and that was her choice

 

i think it cuases pain whether you hold hope or not. If you do, you realise there is no hope it hurts. If you don't but still have feelings you see someone you want more from.

 

true, when you've lost all feelings you won't want to chat. That's what I'm hoping for. See I would never say anything like that to the ex. They are over it!!!! So saying anything about your feelings or what happened is just going to make them feel uncomforatble. There's no need to make them see you are still struggling. It won't change anything except make you feel worse.

 

Saying all this my phone rang and I just answered it without looking. Was the ex asking some work related stuff. I hate talking to her now. It reminds me of the old days but now she only talks about work and stuff. Constant reminder that this is not difficult for her at all.

 

One more week then none of that ever ever again! Scary but also I know I'll finally be able to heal. I'm strong enough to handle NC now, whereas before I felt weak and low. Now I'm scared but optimistic

[Dblock10]

i think it cuases pain whether you hold hope or not. If you do, you realise there is no hope it hurts. If you don't but still have feelings you see someone you want more from.

 

true, when you've lost all feelings you won't want to chat. That's what I'm hoping for. See I would never say anything like that to the ex. They are over it!!!! So saying anything about your feelings or what happened is just going to make them feel uncomforatble. There's no need to make them see you are still struggling. It won't change anything except make you feel worse.

 

Saying all this my phone rang and I just answered it without looking. Was the ex asking some work related stuff. I hate talking to her now. It reminds me of the old days but now she only talks about work and stuff. Constant reminder that this is not difficult for her at all.

 

One more week then none of that ever ever again! Scary but also I know I'll finally be able to heal. I'm strong enough to handle NC now, whereas before I felt weak and low. Now I'm scared but optimistic

 

so fb deletion the whole chop?

 

it actually sounds really good doesnt it, none of "that" ever again. its exciting as well to some extent. not looking back over your shoulder but looking forward and moving on truely.