NC or friends maybe?

[geegirl]

It only stops when you accept its over I guess, but even though I logically and rationally realise that a part of me won't accept it. How else can I make myself realise that its not going to happen....ever?!?!

 

I didn't call her, was agonising not to but I managed not to. 2 weeks NC today, christ cannot wait till a couple of months from now!

 

You tell yourself that she does not want to be with you, period. When you fail to realize, you counter that thought and say to yourself, "But self, she does not want to be with you. Period." Snap yourself back to reality.

 

Good for not calling her. The urge has passed and you know you have it in you to stop if you truly want to. Keep at it.

[barese1]

I'm really going to try that, and tell myself that everytime I thin 'but what if....', and try and force myself to accept it.

 

I am kinda proud of myself, it would have been so easy to call her but it obviously would have just led to more pain.

 

Strange though, simply seeing her feels like I have broke NC, I guess it just reminded me she is a real person out in the world rather than just something in my head.

 

Thanks for all your support geegirl, I will keep posting here while I struggle with this NC

[diddleum]

Im in a very similar position to you, I was in a mess. Go NC, move on try and date some new people, you'll forget about them quicker than you think you will.

[barese1]

Hey didle, so how long you been NC? Ha I'm not sure I'm ready to date but I would like some female attention, not even physical just some attention but its hard to be flirty right now.

 

I thought about my old old ex today, and I remember going thru all this pain before but right now I could happily talk to her completely as friends, I just hope that day comes with the current ex... that feeling of indifference but I just know it will take time, a lot of time

[geegirl]

I'm really going to try that, and tell myself that everytime I thin 'but what if....', and try and force myself to accept it.

 

I am kinda proud of myself, it would have been so easy to call her but it obviously would have just led to more pain.

 

Strange though, simply seeing her feels like I have broke NC, I guess it just reminded me she is a real person out in the world rather than just something in my head.

 

Thanks for all your support geegirl, I will keep posting here while I struggle with this NC

 

 

Yes, everytime you have the urge, 1) mindfully step back, 2) a few long deep breaths and 3) calm yourself. Then 4) self-talk.

 

Whenever you imagine hot sex with her, snap yourself and self talk. Yes, sex would be so nice but I'm going to imagine walking away from her place, thinking of how great it WAS and knowing now that I will again have to deal with this pain of not having her. Then sit there and imagine that pain. Think about the aftermath and feel it. Whenever you fantasize about being with her, self talk and say, "Barese, she doesn't want to be with you so stop being in denial and accept she does not want you." Counter, counter, counter.

 

Obsessive thoughts will always keep you dwelling. One thought will grow like weeds. You have to kill the weeds.

[strngtan]

i'm reading your comments that it has been two weeks NC and u r still not over her. I have just come out of a four year relationship, where we have tired and tired, the love is there but we tear each other apart. We broke up 5 weeks ago, but i didnt want to loose him as a friend especially as he is my first love, so we carried on as friends, we got close and started having sex again. He found another girl and i said i couldnt be his friend when he was chatting her up and he went to visit her without telling me. I spoke to him yesterday and i tired everything i could, but he was truthful and said he would rather try to build a new relationship than go back to one that didnt work. I am only day 1 NC now I love him and find it hard that he cam move on so quickly, i miss talking to him all day and just having a laugh, he was a big part of my life. I read that u r still suffering after 2 weeks and i cant bear the thought that its going to be so long that i feel this alone and wanting him back. Im sure if i went over his he would sleep with me again, until he got more involved with this aother women (long distance relationship) but reading want everyone has said, its true i would feel happy for a evening then back to relity that he would rather talk to her than me, and does not want me. Im suffering and was hoping i would get over him so we could be friends, cause i love how he makes we feel, but its scaring me that its going to take far longer than i thought.

[barese1]

One day of NC is literally nothing you must give it time. Yes I am still suffering two weeks in, but its nowhere near as tough as it was at the begining. You will have to accept the fact that it will be hard, quite likely ver hard for the first month or two.

 

I miss her more than ever but am thinking about her less. You are in the position as me, I want to be ready to just be friends now because I miss just having a laugh with her and talking on the phone but (and I'm the one who struggles to accept this too) if you have feelings more than friends you just can't be. I keep telling myself the same as you, I could just see her, we'd hav fun and we'd probably sleep together. I keep telling myself that it would stop all the pain but again truthfully I would probably be back to square one.

 

I think that's what will be hard for the both of us. Knowing we could have that will make it even harder to maintain NC but we do have to stick with it

[strngtan]

Well I didnt even get throught the first day, I got to the evening and was in such a state, that i texted him. I felt that I was not a part of his life for one day, when we had been used to talking everyday for past 4 years. Its a hugh effort that hes now not there and i dont know how well his day went, just little things like that makes me feel part of his life. I suppose I need to find a way of not contacting him when i''m missing him, how can this be done, it does not feel normal not to talk to him. But i knew if i start getting into his life it would kill me to see him talking to her when im there. I'm also worried I will want him back as a friend and then he will feel he does not want me in his life, worried he will forget me. I dont know how u r coping after 2 weeks, i couldnt do one.

[geegirl]

Well I didnt even get throught the first day, I got to the evening and was in such a state, that i texted him. I felt that I was not a part of his life for one day, when we had been used to talking everyday for past 4 years. Its a hugh effort that hes now not there and i dont know how well his day went, just little things like that makes me feel part of his life. I suppose I need to find a way of not contacting him when i''m missing him, how can this be done, it does not feel normal not to talk to him. But i knew if i start getting into his life it would kill me to see him talking to her when im there. I'm also worried I will want him back as a friend and then he will feel he does not want me in his life, worried he will forget me. I dont know how u r coping after 2 weeks, i couldnt do one.

 

I'm not sure if you have your own thread, if not, maybe you should start one so that you can get more responses/advice.

 

I'm going to be blunt. First of all you need to remind yourself that you are not a part of his life anymore nor will he allow you to be a part of his life in that capacity anymore.

 

Of course it does not feel normal. If you have smoked for years, a day without a cigarette is going to feel abnormal. You have an attachment to him that now needs to be broken. The only way to break it is to not attach yourself to it. Easier said than done but it is all you can do. What is your alternative? Clinging on only delays the inevitable.

 

People forget you, because they forget you. You are either memorable or forgettable. Trying to stay in their lives to remind them of your existence is sad. They should want to remember you and appreciate you wanting to be in their life again. If in time, when you are emotionally detached and have moved on, whether he chooses to be friends or not will not be an issue. This is because your life will be so fulfilled in other ways that it wouldn't hurt you whether you have a friendship or not.

[barese1]

I think what geegirl said is right. People are fogettable and the way you were with your ex is how you should be remembered. ANything you do now will not change that opinion of you but its hard to saty out of someones life who you share so much with.

 

I still haven't drilled it into my head, but our exs are probably already over us and are not pining for us like we are. We have to accept this and try and move on. I try to be harsh with myself but still miss her more than anything

[barese1]

Its been 18 days NC today and I can safely say this is the hardest.

 

i can't think of anything more I want to do right now than ring her and just say hello.

 

My mind is full of thoughts of her with someone else, god when will these dam feelings pass!!!!!

[greenz]

Get involved in something you always wanted to do, but haven't yet. Is there anything that interests you, for example... acting. You could start going to local auditions and trying out, just for fun. Maybe mountain biking. Maybe surfing. I went surfing for the first time to Costa Rica after a series of relationship problems and that's where I met the girl that I love. However, I would advise against looking for anything serious so soon after as you will find that you will still have these pining feelings for this current girl, especially when you come back to the area she is at. The best analogy I can find is do what Bill Murray does in Groundhog Day. Rather than self-destruct as he does early on, do self-improvement as he eventually chooses to do. Become a better person for the sheer interest and joy of it and don't have any expectations about ANY girl. Maybe you will find something that you love. The saying is that you will find the one you love doing what you love.

 

In any regard, try not to drown your sorrows in any thing or any girls. Look for things that make you happy rather than things that make you feel good, if you understand the difference. The happier you become and the more you do the things that you love to do the more likely that you will find someone really worth loving that will love you back.

[barese1]

Thanks greenz, and I REALLY like the groundhog day analogy, that is very true. I guess the problem with me is the same as always. I know I need to concentrate on me and put the past behind me, but a part of me just doesn't seem to want to accept that its over and wants to speak to her.

 

I am trying everything you have said. Doing yoga tonight for the first time, but its like anything exciting or new you want to share with them, when the truth is they are not feeling like that at all!

 

I'm just praying that if I keep doing all the things I know I need to that after 2-3 months NC I'll be feeling like me and might still miss her but not as painfully

[barese1]

Aaaaaarghhhhh why the hell is this getting harder rather than easier. Day 19 NC and its taking every bit of energy not to contact her, I miss her more than ever

[Edtheduck]

Stay strong dude.

 

Just remember, whilst you're thinking of them, they're probably not thinking of us.

 

Keep thinking that, and it will get easier. I've felt terrible the last two days, especially over the weekend as I know my ex is probably with her new man.

 

BUT, what keeps me going is knowing I'm still the better person and handled the whole thing better.

 

Keep going, and don't break NC.

[barese1]

Thanks mate, thats all I needed to here some words of encouragement.

 

Its strange to remind yourself that they aren't thinking of us but I guess that brutal truth is a reason for us to not to want to contact them.

 

Thanks again dude

[Edtheduck]

Anytime.

 

We're all in the same boat. Just try not to dwell and think of her. It will make it worse by day. It's ok to think of the memories, but also remind yourself how they got on your nerves, did things which pissed you off.

 

It helps with me. For every good moment, and they outnumber the bad ten fold, I try to think that way.

 

Keep at it. Sunday's are the worst for me, so I'll no doubt be ranting on here tomorrow

[barese1]

Yeah rant away tomorrow. We're all here to support each other. Unfortuantely their really weren't any bad things to think about, thats what makes it hard.

 

O well, just hope in time we'll feel better. I'm doing everything I can to move on so just have to wait!

[barese1]

Hey guys so just reached the three week mark NC tonight, and honestly.....feels worse than ever. My mind is trying to trick me and tell me just give her a call, be friends then at least she'll be in my life.

 

The truth is whenever you can be happy that they are dating someone else, you are ready to be friends, I know I'm nowhere near that point but I just miss her like crazy. Even hooked up with a nice girl yesterday and it hasn't helped. Nothing seems to be helping!

[barese1]

Have people found there is a three week hump? I'm at that mark now, strict NC, although I did see her when I was sat on the bus which further enforced that I was not ready to speak to her as I felt like sh*t just seeing her.

 

I'm finding I'm still hurting, if not more, thinking about her slightly less but mainly because I am working on it with thought stopping exercises.

[geegirl]

Have people found there is a three week hump? I'm at that mark now, strict NC, although I did see her when I was sat on the bus which further enforced that I was not ready to speak to her as I felt like sh*t just seeing her.

 

I'm finding I'm still hurting, if not more, thinking about her slightly less but mainly because I am working on it with thought stopping exercises.

 

It gets worse before it gets better. Three weeks is nothing. It's the healing process and you just have to feel the discomfort and let it pass. In time, it will be few and far between but it's only been three weeks and it's still very much fresh and raw.

[Edtheduck]

Keep going dude. 3 weeks NC is good, I'm sorry you're not feeling a little better. Seeing her cant have helped. I guess that's the good thing about me, we live 180 miles apart so chances are very slim!

 

All I can say is, it will get worse before it gets better. You've got to try and think of you, and only you. I know things, television shows, places will remind you of her, but the focus should be on healing yourself. It's the only way your emotions will be under control, and you can seek comfort within.

 

I'm feeling much better 9 weeks into my BU. Of course it hurts from time to time, but I've learnt to accept that. I just surround myself with happy people who help to take my mind of her. It really does help.

[barese1]

Thanks guys, you have no idea how important your words are to me right now.

 

I am accepting that times will be ahrd every now and then, but thanks to you guys I see that its still early and that in time I will hopefully feel a bit better.

 

Thanks again, much love

[barese1]

Hey guys, 21 days of NC, still miss her lots but haven't heard anything, so guessing shes over the whole thing already.

 

Anyway, I know I have asked before and have had the advice but no matter how much I search I can't find a specific thread that deals with this issue.

 

I know I could ring the ex, meet up and be friendly. She would have the courtesy of not telling me about anyone she is seeing etc. Now, I know I've asked this before but I really need to be reminded.

 

What are the dangers of being friends with her? I am not over her, and would want more than a friendship, but surely its better to be friends then not. I haven't feel that I've progressed since we split so am struggling to see what harm seeing her would do.

 

Please guys tell me I'm being an idiot!

 

Thanks

[Ruby65]

If you're friends, you don't get to heal and move on and she doesn't get to miss you.

 

It's a lose/lose.

 

If you're NC, you grow stronger and recover from the pain over time, while she has to face the reality of not having you in her life anymore.

 

It's a win/win.

 

Also..... do you really want to settle for being just friends with someone you want to be in a romantic relationship with? Contact will only make this pain worse.

 

She's told you she isn't interested in a relationship..... but how would you react if she suddenly tells you she has a real steady boyfriend a few months from now? It happens.