Wife Hid an Emotional Relationship from Me - Am I Over-Reacting?

[coyotlboy]

Wise forum people, please help me. Recently I discovered that my wife (and mother of our children) has been having a relationship with a guy that she hid from me. I went to a public event, with this group that my wife has been involved in, that involved a public performance by this large music group. She has been helping to teach the musicians the performance. Unknown to me (and even though I directly asked her) she was working with this married man to do this, at least two nights a week. During the performance, I was in the audience, and instead of watching the performance, watched my wife and this man. They were very close to each other the whole evening, casually touching each other while they talked, standing so that their bodies touched, displaying the body language of a girl and boy friend, and even went for a walk alone together during the performance.

I freaked out, took my wife out into the parking lot, and confronted her. She denied that anything was "going on," but admitted that if she had seen me doing what I saw her doing, she would have reacted the same way. I also pointed out that I had recently directly asked her if anyone was helping her, and if there was anything going on that I should know about, and she denied it.

Later, she admitted that she had been confiding in this individual about problems she was having with this group's other leadership, which she didn't feel she could talk to me about, and that they had formed a sort-of alliance in dealing with the problems caused by the other leadership people.

I have told my wife that I feel that she has had an inappropriate emotional relationship with this man, and that she has betrayed my trust and has lied to me. We have been having a huge problem over this for at least the last two weeks. I have met with the guy and asked him to keep a professional distance with my wife as they continue to work together with this performance group. He has agreed, and as far as I know, they have respected my wishes.

My question is whether I have been over-reacting. I believe that my wife has emotionally betrayed me, and it truely threatens our marriage. I have no way of knowing how far their relations went, while my wife denies anything more that what I saw, explains that she simply got too casual about physical contact with this guy, and claims that she never intended any of it. This doesn't square with what I saw, and doesn't explain her lying. I feel that I, at least, stopped a budding affair. Am I over-reacting? I'm having trouble forgiving, and keep spiraling back to anger, resentment, and accusations. How do I get past this? I still don't know why this happened.

[coyotlboy]

Sorry, perhaps this is the wrong forum, and this should be in the Marriage/infidelity section, which it now is. If any of you still have any thoughts, I'd welcome it. Sorry again.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I do not think you are overreacting at all. You judge people by their actions and not by their words. First, you have caught her lying to you face which means you have no idea if she is telling you the truth now. Second, you saw with your own eyes the semi-physical touching and walking away together during the performance. She does this knowing you are at the performance? How amazingly disrespectful and humiliating to you. She has been keeping secrets and meeting this man while lying to your face about it. Finally, it is doubtful this was the only time she was physically inappropriate with this man at the performance. Clearly she was so caught up with this man that she did not even care that you were at this performance. I would be extremely agitated, hurt and angry. I have to tell you that from your message I would think she is still lying to you. It takes time to feel the comfort level she had with this guy. I doubt it was the first time. I would contact the OM's wife. You saw all this with your own eyes. If nothing was going on then when did she continue to lie to your face about it previously. You don't lie unless you have something to hide.

Her behavior was very humiliating to you. There is an old saying: "No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change". What have been the consequences to her actions?

 

I am sorry but I think you are out of your mind to allow her to continue this fun work with this OM. She has forfeited her right. No contact should be maintained. What you have done is given her a free pass to continue an emotional relationship with this guy. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed, you wife would not allow continued contact with another woman.

The fact that she continues to work with this guy gives you a clear message as to how much she feels toward the pain she gave you. I think you may be in denial. I doubt she has told you the whole truth and she continues to disrespect you and your marriage by continuing contact with this guy. She lied to your face so why do you believe her now and why would you ever accept the word of the other man? Please read the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. You are making a huge mistaking allowing her continued contact with this guy and she is giving you a huge message how much she considers your feelings. I hope you are not being played but it sure sounds like it. I wish you luck.

[Unlucky In Love]

Sometimes people need additional moral support from people outside the marriage. This sounds like one of those instances. Is it really wrong for married people to have friends that they can confide in? I wonder what Dr. Phil would think?

 

I don't think you should think anything of it. Your wife was basically just making a platonic friend at work. No big deal as long as it doesn't lead to anything physical and it sounds like it won't. Just keep your eyes open.