Resent full weekend dad & Childish behavior

[Kae2012]

I put this post in the general realtionship area and got NO response at all. So, I'm trying in this thread instead. I'll try to make this short. I am a divorced mom of two children. My oldest is nine and from my ex-husband. her dad is very much a part of her life and comes to see her during the week. My youngest child(2yrs) is by my current B/F. I use the B/f word lightly here b/c I am starting to see some disturbing behavior. My B/f gets extremely uncomfortable when our daughter mentions my ex-husband name in front of him. Mind you there has never been an altercation between the b/f and the ex-husband. My bF just does not like my ex-husband. My ex-husband is a kind gentle man. We divorced mainly b/c I wanted out. My b/f is the polar opposite. He has anger issues and has sought help for them in the past. When it is my weekend I notice he gets annoyed, depressed if I do not bring her to see him. So, I oblige and bring her over to see him for a few hours on MY weekends. Recently in a car ride somewhere(older sister was not in car) our daughter started talking about my ex-husband. She was talking about how my ex-husband comes by to get her sister etc. I looked at my b/f's face and he was clearly annoyed. I tried to distract him once she stopped talking and started up some small chit chat and he had only a one answer response. So, yesterday I asked if if he was annoyed by our daughter talking about my ex-husband. His response was "I don't have a comment about the whole thing". So, I told him we need to talk about this over the weekend and he agreed. But really folks, why would our daughter talking about my ex-husband be an issue?. What is a reasonable response to my B/f about this?. I am so tired of getting anxious when my ex-husband comes by to get his daughter. I'm always worried about how upset my b/f will get if he shows up at the same time my ex-husband does. Mind you the B/f doesn't SAY anything when he see's my ex-husband but the look on my b/f's face is always one of anger/hostility. My ex-husband even said to me one day "why does he always look pissed off". My b/f is also a cop and I can honestly say I am afraid of him when he gets extremly angry. Please help.

[donnist]

I kind of understand why he feels some discomfort when he thinks about his daughter being around your ex-hubby but that should go away over time if you reassure him that your presences is always there with the 2 y/o while the ex-hubby is around and that the interaction is beneficial and necessary for both daughters. Maybe introducing them will allow him to see a lighter side of your ex-hubby.

 

hope this helps

[Kae2012]

Donnist,

Thanks for the reply. The problem is I have tried. I introduced my ex-husband to my b/f last year. My b/f didn't even want to meet the ex-husband. I thought it would healthly for the two men to meet. I have tried reassuring the b/f that I am always here at the house when my ex-husband comes. I have tried everything. My b/f is just really insecure I think. I can't stop my 2yr old from talking about her sister's dad. It is impossible and the stress of dealing with a man who has these issues with anger is really becoming too much for me. I mean he actually got upset with ME b/c his child was talking about her sister's dad. Something about that screams abnormal.

[Downtown]

Kae, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to share child custody with an angry, insecure police officer. I was about to respond in your first thread but, seeing that a response has already started here, I am joining you in your newer thread.

My b/f is just really insecure I think. ... the stress of dealing with a man who has these issues with anger is really becoming too much for me. I mean he actually got upset with ME b/c his child was talking about her sister's dad. Something about that screams abnormal.

I agree. At issue is whether his strong anger issue is temporary (being the result of unusual stress, drugs, body-chemistry change, or a head injury) or -- more likely -- the permanent result of strong personality disorder traits like those associated with Borderline PD, Antisocial PD, or Narcissistic PD.

 

I therefore ask how old he is? Did his anger issue start showing in adolescence and then persist all through adulthood? Did he have a rough childhood, perhaps experiencing abuse, abandonment, or an emotionally unavailable parent before age 5? Does he often exhibit black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone (including himself) as "all good" or "all bad"? Does he have a serious trust issue, being irrational in his jealousy?

[Kae2012]

Downtown,

thanks for the reply. Him and I are in our 40's. He didn't tell me till well after we met and were serious that he has some PTSD he is dealing with. I have no idea for how long he has suffered from it. But he actually mentioned that he used to expierence rage when he got angry. Again, I didn't know that until well after we met. He doesn't get extremely angry with me any longer. He grew up in a two parent home (parents are still married). But his dad did do some things to his children that are questionable to me. But hey, I'm no expert on child rearing either. He did get some help for his anger issues last year and he is a better. But the things that get him annoyed or upset are usually small. It doesn't seem reasonable to tell a 2yr old NOT to say her sister's father 's name b/c it upsets daddy. I mean come on!. Or should I tell my ex-husband not to come get his own child when my b/f MIGHT be around?..again, this seems really unreasonalby.