Realizations

[talespinner77]

I will try to make this as simple and to the point as possible. My parents divorced when I was 7, my dad never came around thus abandoning me. He would randomly appear but never did what he said he would do, my memories of him are mainly him lying to me sadly. My mother remarried and alcoholic, my siblings all moved away when I was 10 and never called or checked on me. Basically even to this day I dont have a relationship with them. I never developed a father daugther relationship so my ideals on what relationships are, are a bit skewed. I started using drugs when I was 13 after I was raped, I was severely depressed but was never put into counseling, I was always one of those people that hid my feelings. I had no friends growing up and was alone constantly and was harrassed daily to the point that I eventually had to be taken out of school.

 

I had multiple boyfriends (some abusive) all of which I left for other people once I got bored or comfortable, until I met my now X husband. After an accident that he caused, I developed anxiety and depression, and became very aware of it and he couldnt handle it, he shut down completely emotionally, so we decided it was best to split, thus bringing out my abandonment issues 25 years later. Here I am now 2 years ago realizing I never had a dad and almost everyone I have ever been close to has hurt me. I was single for about a year, (not including the time in my marriage that I felt alone) and now I have found myself in another relationship but its different this time.

 

This man brings me NO drama, he is calm and collected, does what he says he will do, I realize I am addicted to the highs and lows of love and drama and I need some help. I keep having moments where I reject this person because he is calm and kind and sweet and the best thing that has ever happend to me. I also realize that I have moved 33 times in my life so I cant seem to sit still. I want peace so badly but I am haunted by these old patterns and traumas. I have a therapist but were not making much leway, I do most of my healing with myself rather than him. I do not want to leave this person, but since my perecption of love is based on insecurity and drama and he is causing niether one of those, I dont know what to do, my anxiety and depression are out of control and I know I can over come them, I just dont know where to start.

 

This man knows EVERYTHING about me, I tell him my deepest fears and he loves and accepts me fully with all my anxieties and sadness. He is a best friend to me and if I wanted to go, he would let me, he only wants me to be happy. He gives me all the space I need and lets me just be me and for the first time in my life, I can work on myself in a relationship, I am not worrying about what my partner is doing.

 

I know I have found something in him that is amazing and so special and I just dont want to throw it away over old patterns from my subconsious. SO my question is, has anyone else been through love addiction and is it possible to heal in a healthy relationship?