trusting men in relationships...how to?

[star]

hello everyone,

 

i just found this board recently..it seems very interesting. i'm in the US, on the east coast, goto college..etc.

 

i have a confusing situation..i need some help, advice.. actually i have multiple issues to deal with, and it's better if i explain it, although it may take awhile to read.

 

another reason is to just get all this off my chest because i never really talk to anyone about this type of stuff..it just helps to empty out my mind a little.

 

first of all, i'm 21..i was abducted(~5hrs) and raped by a stalker 5 years ago. he was caught/jailed 3 yrs ago. i've always been a strong, outgoing person..and i just pushed it out of my mind and basically looked at it as: "##### happens, life goes on". well at least i tried to..the only problem was getting close to a guy in a relationship.

 

second, i know i'm attractive, all my friends are mostly guys, and i hear it from them as well as strangers. but it's a hassle because you receive unwanted attention. whenever i had girl friends, stupid stuff would happen, whether it was their crush who started liking me..or guys coming up to me instead of them when we were out. but my guy friends, they say i don't get caught up in "issues" like most girls do..and i've never understood that, but hey we get along fine. and hanging out with them as 'just friends' hasn't been a problem for me in trusting them. anyway, i dress pretty modest/conservative, yet it doesnt help. i've still met my share of guys that just want to get in my pants or immediately go out with me even before i have a chance to show them the kind of person i am. i want a guy to like me for me, my heart, mind, personality, sense of humor, and all that other good stuff, not just for my looks.

 

so usually i can tell when a guy really likes me or not. but even when i do find one, for some reason i always think the worst of him, if i'm out alone, i start feeling uncomfortable, even though i might hang out alone with my guy friends and feel completely at ease.

 

finally,i thought i had all this stuff under control until i started talking to an acquaintance. when i first met him through friends 3 yrs ago, i found him attractive, but then i never spoke to him because of what i'd heard about him. he's a pretty famous dj around here, and he's used to girls chasing after him, or girls that like him because of his popularity/work/car, and i heard he'd been with quite a few girls. i've never been impressed with those factors, so although he was cute, i didn't care.

 

but it wasn't until last month when we started talking..he's stopped dj'ing as much..he's older (26), working, settled down now, got out of a 2yr relationship, and we talked and he seemed like a WONDERFUL guy..very caring, mature, respectful, well-mannered..so i let him take me out on a date. that was the first time i sat alone in a date's car in the past 5 years that i felt totally safe, comfortable, and relaxed.

 

well i still kept my guard up. well yesterday he wanted me to hang out at his place. so i went over there..we were laying around watching football, and he made his move. and this was the first time i've been so attracted to a guy,and there was so much passion. but i made sure things didn't get far at all. i told him i wanted to take things VERY slowly, and that i didn't even want to have sex until i was married. and then he told me that he thinks he's "falling for me" and "falling in love" with me. he also said "i'm not saying this to try to have sex with you or anything" i wasn't expecting to hear this after only going out for 5 weeks, we probably only hung out 8 times or so. i told him, he didn't know me enough to fall in love with me yet. he also told me that i was turning him on, and i wasn't expecting to hear that either!

 

this shocked me. everything had seemed perfect. i thought i could start trusting this guy, i ended up sleeping in his arms that night. and then today i feel miserable because i know most guys say those "lines" to try to get in girls' pants...

 

and i don't know if he's trying to take advantage of me or what?

 

how soon is too soon when you're dating someone for making out? spending the night? sex??

 

i don't know if he's moving too fast or if i'm being "prude". since im 21 and he's 26 and he's more experienced, so maybe he expects things to go faster? i cant rely on my guy friends' advice because they're all my age, and they're all friends with him, so it would be biased.

 

or maybe he is wonderful..he changed and became more mature, but why can't i trust him then? am i just thinking the worst of all guys and letting even the good ones pass by?

 

LASTLY, is it better not to tell my boyfriend that i'd been raped? he doesnt know. i don't want to tell him because i don't want the sympathy or want him thinking anything of me. but if it's better to tell him, how long should i wait before i tell him?

 

*sigh* so many questions in my mind..i'm a confused mess!

 

but you know what, i feel better letting my thoughts out!

 

**sigh of relief**

 

Star

[Nina]

Star, I understand where you're coming from. I was molested as a child and raped twice in my teenaged years. This made interaction with the opposite sex VERY difficult. Trust is a huge issue.

 

First of all, let me counsel you to go talk to a professional therapist. I am in the field of psychology myself because fo my past experiences, and I did see a few therapists in my time to help me work through the emotions I had bottled up inside of me concerning the rapes and molestation.

 

The bottom line is that there are no hard and fast rules about dating. You set the pace, you set the rules, youlet yourself trust. I decided long ago that no matter what happened, I would be open to experiences, even if I got hurt, because I would rather experience things than close myself off. I am a very stubborn woman, I suppose.

 

I still haveissue about trust, even with my fiance. But because of my therapeutic experience I am able to intellectualize my rpobelms in such a way that they don't interfere with my life as much any more.

 

You never "get over" trauma. It doesn't go away, you don't forget. You learn to live with it. And in learnign to live withi, you become stronger. Ther are usually free counseling services offered through your college's infirmary.

 

Lastly, YOU MUST tell him that you were raped. WAit until you feel comfortable doing this. I waited about 3 months with my fiance and I was careful to phrase it so as not to garner sympathy. It's more informative than anythign else. It explains certain abnormal reactions you may have (for example, there are certain sexual positions that i cannot be in because of bad memories). It explains the mood swings that women with PTSD are sometimes prone to, as well as the abnormal fear and suspicion levels that we often experience.

 

I jsut wanted to tell you that in order to get better you have to confront what is most painful. You can't avoid it or try to forget. If you don't address these issues, they will bubble up in completely unrelated areas of your life. From experience I am telling you, please!

[Taressa]

Dear Star,

 

Several issues I relate to here with you...

 

Scars from the rape

 

If you're going to continue a physical relationship with this man I believe you will need to tell him about the rape. That stranger's touch will creep up silently on you and invade your most wonderful moments if you don't take time to explain things to your new friend.

 

The rape affected a lot of things about you but like most monsters, they can be stared down. If you believe there is a future with this man, let him help fade those scars.

 

Female Friends

 

I always took pride in not being the shallow, giggly girl. I hung around my brother and his friends and thought that made me unique, strong, special.

 

But Star, the relationships we develop with females is essential to meeting our needs for intimacy. Only a female can really understand another female. Without my female friends after my rape, I would have gone to bed with every man seeking the comfort of feeling loved and protected. My female friends understood the horror, understood my oddly timed tears, and they wrapped me in gentle arms that helped quiet my angry hurt.

 

Even now, Star, when I'm with a man, things very often turn sexual. I know I lead them on but I am blind to how I do it. I know it is me because some of the men who have chased me are men of very high character. Reach out to just one or two women... women strong enough and good enough to be honest with you and help you build.

 

Mens Bedroom Words

 

No one here at the shack can tell you if his proclaimed love is truthful or not. But Star, focus on the fact that nearly any man is aroused when he has you alone in his home. And Star, a man's emotions go crazy once he is aroused. He will seduce you with beautiful loving words because for just a few moments, he truly feels them.

 

Time proves a man's character and a man's love. If you want to test love, it is best done outside tempting situations.

 

Dear Star, I can see your eyes are wide open. Keep looking and watching. Give yourself only to the one who patiently proves his love for you. You will be his prize worth fighting for.

 

Taressa