My Wife Hid an Emotional Relationship from Me -- Am I Over-reacting?

[coyotlboy]

Wise forum people, please help me. Recently I discovered that my wife (and mother of our children) has been having a relationship with a guy that she hid from me. I went to a public event, with this group that my wife has been involved in, that involved a public performance by this large music group. She has been helping to teach the musicians the performance. Unknown to me (and even though I directly asked her) she was working with this married man to do this, at least two nights a week. During the performance, I was in the audience, and instead of watching the performance, watched my wife and this man. They were very close to each other the whole evening, casually touching each other while they talked, standing so that their bodies touched, displaying the body language of a girl and boy friend, and even went for a walk alone together during the performance.

I freaked out, took my wife out into the parking lot, and confronted her. She denied that anything was "going on," but admitted that if she had seen me doing what I saw her doing, she would have reacted the same way. I also pointed out that I had recently directly asked her if anyone was helping her, and if there was anything going on that I should know about, and she denied it.

Later, she admitted that she had been confiding in this individual about problems she was having with this group's other leadership, which she didn't feel she could talk to me about, and that they had formed a sort-of alliance in dealing with the problems caused by the other leadership people.

I have told my wife that I feel that she has had an inappropriate emotional relationship with this man, and that she has betrayed my trust and has lied to me. We have been having a huge problem over this for at least the last two weeks. I have met with the guy and asked him to keep a professional distance with my wife as they continue to work together with this performance group. He has agreed, and as far as I know, they have respected my wishes.

My question is whether I have been over-reacting. I believe that my wife has emotionally betrayed me, and it truely threatens our marriage. I have no way of knowing how far their relations went, while my wife denies anything more that what I saw, explains that she simply got too casual about physical contact with this guy, and claims that she never intended any of it. This doesn't square with what I saw, and doesn't explain her lying. I feel that I, at least, stopped a budding affair. Am I over-reacting? I'm having trouble forgiving, and keep spiraling back to anger, resentment, and accusations. How do I get past this? I still don't know why this happened.

[Karlise13]

I don't know if your wife actually perceived this relationship as innocent or if something else, in fact, was starting to develop with this guy.

 

When it comes to body language, I am very much with you on this point; certain amounts of touching or closeness could definitely spell trouble.

 

IS she normally a touchy-feely kind of person? Or was the touching out of character for her?

 

I know if I saw my boyfriend 'going for a walk' with a woman friend I didn't know, standing close to her, touching her ANYWHERE I'd be pretty upset. Because for him that's out of character unless he's doing those things with me.

[reservoirdog1]

It's pretty simple. As spouses, you're supposed to talk to each other about everything. The moment your wife started sharing things with another man instead of sharing them with you, she began an emotional affair. The body language you witnessed takes the cake.

 

When we were together, I never worried about TBXW's body language. She always turned on the charm around men, and in my naivete I was always impressed by her ability to work a room.

 

Since the separation, I've witnessed her doing what she always did, and now it makes me sick. She smiles, bats her eyelids, in a coquettish little way, touches the guy on the arm, etc.

 

I know that her now-boyfriend has witnessed this too. You'd think it would bug him a lot, given her past with me full of rampant cheating and lying. Either that, or she was bullsh*tting when she said of him that "he knows everything about my past and accepts it."

 

Doesn't really matter now anyway. Now it's his turn to worry about her fidelity, not mine.

[coyotlboy]

Karlise13: I thought it was not her normal behaviour, but she asserts that she was completely unaware of the physical contact when I confronted her. She had to admit the walk . . . . I think she is, at least, being dishonest with herself about her "awareness" because if I had contact with another woman like that, my wife would have gone postal on me.

 

ResDog: I completely agree with you about the emotional affair issue. Total honesty is the only way it works. The body language issue, as you note, speaks more loudly than any denials. I am concerned about this being a method that my wife uses to get men to pay attention to her, to ally themselves with her, by leading them on with inappropriate contact and etc., using her sexuality as a way to get attention and support. I've made this clear to her, and that its unacceptable to me, humiliating to me, and it endangers our marriage. One of those kind of alliances, at the wrong time, or in the wrong circumstance, can get out of control and destroy a lot of peoples' happiness. I'm very sorry about the sh-- you had to go through, there is still love to be found in the world, and others can deal with your ex's crap. Time will probably break her new relationship as well. You can hold your head up and walk forward.

 

Thank you both, I don't believe I'm over-reacting. If anyone else out there has a viewpoint, I'd like to hear it.

I still don't know why this happened, so we've got a ways to go to until we can move forward in trust and honesty.

[Olivia_19742004]

My first question would be why did she feel she couldn't talk to you about her problems? I'd be more concerned with why your wife didn't feel she could talk with you right now than worrying about what she "may" have done with someone else.

[Bewildered and Hurt]

I hate to have to say this, but the odds are pretty good this isn't just an emotional relationship. Keep your eyes and ears open.

 

Sorry, but your story is all too regrettably familiar. I was given basically the same song and dance at one point.

 

As it turned out, my wife was boinking the slimeball. But first it was "just friends", etc., etc., to ad nauseum etc. Trust your instincts, which is what I should have done from the getgo.

[The_Analyzer]

Hi, sorry you're going through this. Emotional affairs are sometimes alot worse than a physical one because of the bond that is formed during an emotional one. First off though there has to be a reason for why she felt the need to confide in someone else other than you. She should be talking and communicating with you not someone else. Which means somewhere in the marriage something is lacking. Please try to understand I'm not saying this is your fault by no means or making an excuse for her and what shes done. I'm just saying it takes 2 to make or break a marriage and maybe she was feeling she wasn't getting something from you, for why she felt the need to confide in someone else.

 

Maybe you all could try counseling. Be it individual or together or both. I think you need to sit down with her and ask her why she didn't feel that she could come to you with whatever was going on. Also keep your eyes and ears open, stay on guard some, because just when you think the fire is out it will blow up in your face. Emotional affairs are more apt to turn into something sexual at some point unless it is completely ended. You asked that they keep it professional, my friend that will not work. What needs to happen for you all to be able to move forward, is that she needs to cut all ties. Once an emotional affair has started thats the best way to end it right there. I gurantee that even though you asked them to keep it professional, that will not work simply because they still have contact and the want and need is there. Tell her she needs to cut all ties. Best of luck.

[joell]

hi my name is joell and im a filipino .... Yesssss thats is emotional relationship

they like each other but they know its wrong so they talk about love or sex , they just become very close.. this is a real threat to a relationship between u and your wife , and u just stop it ,

 

They like each other but they know it is wrong so they just go in "fling"

 

Fling -no commitment ,no promises but they like each other...

 

like is different from love

 

But somethimes like becomes loves in a long run

[coyotlboy]

Wise Forum People-

I confronted my wife about her emotional affair from early summer . . . I laid it on the line, telling her it was wrong, it was an emotional affair, and that If I had done what she had done, she would have been very, very angry. I went and talked to the guy involved and told him I was uncomfortable with his relationship with my wife. I and my wife talked it over, extensively, and she believes she did nothing wrong, but did admit she wouldn't have accepted that behavior by me. I told her that in order for me to rebuild trust, I would have to see her successfully having appropriate relationships with men.

Unfortunately, I became very busy at work (14 to 16 hour days, seven days a week from early July to late October.) In that time, she began coaching her daughter's soccer team. After work slowed down, I was able to attend a game, and this soccer expert that the league has hired to help all the teams, comes up behind my wife during the game (with me about 10 feet away) and puts his arms around her from behind and talks into her ear. A few moments later she nervously introduces him to me for the first time.

Well, to cut to the chase, after many long, loud discussions, she said that she has only ever hugged him once before, and that his hug at that game was out of the blue. She does not feel she did anything wrong. (Note that while I was working so hard, she was full of questions about who I was working with, what women were around, etc. etc.) I feel that she has had another emotional affair. Or at the very least she is filling some emotional "hole" by having these inappropriate but apparently not sexual relationships with other men. The resolution at this point is that I will not question her, keep tabs on her, or demand that she report relationships to me. That she alone is in charge of telling me what is going on with her. She must set her own boundaries with others, and I will not criticize her if she hugs or touches other men. In return, she must provide the same latitude to me. I warned her that another "problem" relationship, however, may be one too many.

I feel that the poison that distrust has brought into our relationship may kill it. The solution is to drop the distrusting activities and let her create her own boundaries. If she fails to do so, its her own free choice, and my own free choice as to what to do about it.

What do you think?? Is this a wise approach??

[SoleMate]

I will not criticize her if she hugs or touches other men. In return, she must provide the same latitude to me...I warned her that another "problem" relationship, however, may be one too many. What do you think?? Is this a wise approach??

No. I see several problems:

 

1) Neither of you should be hugging or touching members of the opposite sex in a way that makes the spouse uncomfortable or causes guilt on the part of the hugger/toucher.

 

2) You have not been clear about what constitutes a "problem" relationship

 

3) The remark about "...another "problem" relationship...may be one too many..." sounds like a threat, not like a respectful request

 

4) If she is doing something in appropriate (not sure whether she is or not), your demanding the same right is just ridiculous. Instead, you should be asking her to stop

 

5) Your long hours at work are a HUGE problem. You and your wife cannot nurture a relationship if you are never in each other's presence. She needs masculine companionship and attention (and you need the same, only feminine). I am sure she would prefer yours, but if you're never there, it's not a choice for her

 

Given the wide range of destructive assumptions about married life that you have, I recommend immediate marriage counseling. Please see <URL removed> for some stopgap approaches while you wait for your first appointment

[coyotlboy]

Thank you SoulMate,

I appreciate your words to the wise and thought-provoking comments.

1. Yes, you're right, no hugging or touching that causes uncomfortability. Ah, but here's the rub - is the uncomfortableness irrational? As we go through our married life together, we must be allowed to have relationships with other people. Appropriate ones, though. Many people hug or touch others as perfectly acceptable behavior. For example, I know a female preacher who tries to hug every parishoner as they enter the church on Sunday -- seems perfectly fine. When is the uncomfortableness by the spouse just jealousy or possessiveness? Should my wife have to avoid hugging anyone for fear of my reactions?? I would argue that the golden rule should sort of apply: Hug not those (or touch not in any way those) which you would be offended if spouse did such hugging to a similar opposite sex person/situation. That argument has given me no quarter, as my wife admits she would be offended, but says she did nothing wrong. What to do??

2.

[coyotlboy]

(Sorry, hit the wrong key and accidentally posted) Continued:

2. I have been very clear with my wife on what is a problem relationship: undisclosed to spouse. emotional contact with other person (talking about issues that should have been discussed with spouse); physical contact that would meet with disapproval if done by spouse.

3. Yes, its a threat. I know that's not especially the right thing to do. It wasn't a respectful request. I've done that before. This time I was VERY CLEAR. I wanted to be perfectly honest. Her actions must have consequences.

4. I have asked her to stop. She has not. I feel that the recriminations, anger and monitoring are doing more harm than the relationships themselves. I want her to know that this is a two way street. Perhaps that helps drive the 'golden rule' concept home.

5. Long hours at work are required in what I do. Its just that way. Its not all the time, but hey, it happens. In return, I provide for my family's comfort, own a home, and hopefully, save enough money to send the kids to college. I have a serious problem with my stay-at-home wife being unable to excuse a failure to stay true to her hard working husband when he's providing for her and our family. Sacrifice comes with the territory. We have talked about the choices. I had this career when we met. We want certain things in life that require MONEY. Short of winning the lottery, earning money requires WORK. It's a crock when one spouse has to sacrifice to earn that money, and the other spouse uses it as an excuse to betray the marriage. It is a choice for her, but she has to be clear about it. I would gladly work 9 to 5, sell our house, give up on any hope of sending our kids to the college that's best for them, and have a faithful spouse.

Thanks for your comments, I sincerely appreciate them. We have discussed counselling. We've each been before (several times, in differenct circumstances) and we're a little discouraged with that process.

[JackieQ]

Reading this thread sounds like the situation is pretty painful for both of you. Whether it's rational or not it's where you both are at right now. What do you think would happen if you sat down with marriage counselor? Might help to have unbiased person to talk things thru with.

[Bryanp]

Hello coyotlboy,

 

I am sorry but I don't buy what your wife is telling you. You caught her at the theatre in the past doing these things. Now this soccer guy comes up and puts his arms around from behind and whiispers in her ear in front of you? I seriously doubt this was only the second time he had done this. It sounds like a man who is very comfortable doing this to your wife because he used to doing this to your wife.

 

My wife is from Europe and a former model and quite beautiful. Men glance but male friends would never consider hugging her because the way she carries herself. She knows that would be inappropriate. I would have been very upset if someone had done that to my wife what happened in front of you. I hate to say it but your wife is giving out vibes to other men who feel it is appropriate to hug, touch and whisper in your wife's ear. Again I seriously doubt this was only the second time. If she is allowing these things to happen in front of you then what must she be allowing to happen when you are not present? It sounds like she is acting like a single person and having fun flirting back and forth with these other guys. I think it is totally disrespectful and humiliating to you and your marriage.

Apparently she simple does not get it. I can only assume there is more that she is hiding from you. She clearly has very little boundaries. I would have a friend watch her at her next soccer matches when you are not present and see if this continues. Judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Unfortunately her words speak volumes. Only you know what you are willing to endure. I wish you luck.

[Owl]

Coyote-

 

Even if your wife is not currently having an emotional affair, if she cannot understand the "boundaries" that need to exist between opposite sex friends that are not your spouse, she is going to remain very very much in danger of crossing that line. Believe me, if she's not already crossed the line (and she very well may have from what you've described), she will if she cannot get a handle on it.

 

I discovered my wife's online emotional affair about six months ago, and it was devastating. I had been worried for quite some time about my wife's boundaries as well, but could NOT get her to understand the risk until she'd actually crossed them. To make a long story short, when discovered, she was ready and willing to fly to another state to be with a man she'd never met in real life. And this all started with her confiding in him what she felt she couldn't talk to me about.

 

Counseling friend...get it now. Your marriage sounds as though it has several serious issues...communication and trust being high among them. Your wife has got to learn to setup boundaries, assuming she wants to remain married to you. You might also try looking for a book entitled "20 (suprisingly simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage by Dr Steve Stephens. Cheap, and a VERY good resource for a marriage. Our counselor recommended it when we first began to reconcile, and it helped a lot!

 

You're likely going to have to start gathering "proof" before your wife will be honest with you about what is going on. My wife denied it to my face right up to the day I confronted her with the log files of their IM conversations...that started with "I love you". Start keeping a closer eye on what's going on in her life...check her emails and IMs if you use the computer much...check her cell phone records if you use those. Most mobile phone companies have an online website that you can check your invoice and possibly even see usage from the day before. Take a look at credit card bills and such. And finally, TAKE the time to unexpectedly turn up at these 'events' that she is at.

 

Decide NOW what you're going to do if there is an emotional (or even physical) affair going on. If you're willing to work through the tough times to rebuild your marriage, start the counseling now. If not, get a hold of your lawyer and start working through how you're going to dissolve your marriage.

 

Life's not going to get any easier from this point on friend. I'm sorry you're going through this...trust me, I know the pain. But, I can tell you that my relationship with my wife is now as good as it was back when we first got married 17 years ago. I'm still dealing with the pain of what she did, but I KNOW that she's not looking for something like that to happen again, and I truly do believe that it won't. Good luck to you!

[Cecelius]

Regarding the comment about another "problem" being the death knell and that this was incorrect as it was a threat, not a request: nonsense. If his wife is acting like a spoiled college girl, that's how she should be treated. Make it very clear that you will love her tremendously, and make it double clear that any BS will be met with a due and dispassionate response.

 

Further, the comment about long hours and her "need" for companionship: get a dog. I tire of hearing about those who are cared for financially (and who accept it) but then complain of poor emotional health. How much greater is his health, emotional or otherwise, after working all those hours, to support her and the children? Why is his role to be needless personally, but to fulfill every need of others?

 

Of course she may miss him. She may strongly encourage him to not work so much or seek another job, and she may even be mentally imature enough to divorce him because he cannot prop up her ego (since he's paying for it), but for her to engage in silly child games, to exhibit the kind of "confusion" we see on this board from college freshment, is absurd. She needs to grow up.

 

Personally, I would dump her if it were easy. She doesn't like the life you worked to create for her? Find someone who will.

[JackieQ]

Have a couple of thoughts here.

 

First, the guys may be right that she's messing around and doesn't care. If that's the case I'm really sorry for the situation your in.

 

The second possibility is that you both are in it together and both are not getting what you need from each other. In that case, it seems to me it doesn't matter whether your needs make sense to her or hers are immature, etc...they are part of what you have to deal with to stay happy as a couple.

 

Just thinking about the her possible side of things... Yes, she is wrong in turning away from you (she likely knows that). And yes, you are justified in being angry (she might even agree there). Requiring she not seek out other men doesn't seem to change her behavior and likely has upped the resentment? If you want to get beyond that it seems that it's important to figure out why and where (with her) you guys started down that road. Unfortunately, that's the harder thing to do and also requires her to be willing to do the same.... Take care,

 

Jackie