Worst fear seems to be coming true!

[befreckled]

quick backstory: the bf was in another country for the last 2 years. 2 weeks ago. he moved back to the country/city he was born in, where his friends are, where his social backbones are. We agreed that I'd move to be with him by Jan 2013 so I can go to school and give this relationship a shot.

 

O.e of the fears I had was that I'm a convenient choice - he spent alot of time online and well, a long distance relationship is perfect. He had little or no friends where he was for the last two years and was very encouraging when he decided to move back because he deserves a more social life and his support system.

 

when we were discussing him moving, one of the fears that popped in the back of my mind was when he moves back, he won't be online as much and he'll have a life so he'll be out more and well I'm a homebody. I ignored it immediately and thought "WHAT A SELFISH THOUGHT!"

 

except I find I might be right. He moved back two weeks ago and we've spoken on skype 2-3 times whichkis ok but we don't communicate daily anymore, he doesn't take the effort to message me when I'm online. Today was abit different because he was online for the longest time and I sent him a msg to say hi, he replied to say hi back and to ask me how are things? then radio silence. about 15mins later, he logs off.

 

stunned and sad, I called him to ask him what was up and it turns out his parents came home and he was talking to them - which is ok and normal but I think it's abit mean to leave me hanging there. it's not much effort to say - hey, parents are home i'd like to catch up with them, no?

 

We've been together over 1.5 years and I'm 33 on the cusp of making a life changing decision to move to be with him so far, I'm losing hope that things will work out. How do you work on a relationship if the person isn't even around anymore?

 

Is it me? I quit my job recently because it was becoming very stressful and I'm under alot of stress to find another job that will help me save for my studies in 2013.

[d'Arthez]

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It may be the case that he is still struggling to come to term with life at home (it entails many changes), and that his communication skill in general is not 10/10.

 

Definitely bring it up with him when you have the chance. As frustrating as it is, try not to think too much about his behavior just yet, since you are powerless to affect change on your own.

 

Keep working towards your own goals, studies-wise and career-wise. Make certain you are not left hanging high and dry, in the case things do not work out.

[befreckled]

So sorry to hear you are going through this. It may be the case that he is still struggling to come to term with life at home (it entails many changes), and that his communication skill in general is not 10/10.

 

Definitely bring it up with him when you have the chance. As frustrating as it is, try not to think too much about his behavior just yet, since you are powerless to affect change on your own.

 

Keep working towards your own goals, studies-wise and career-wise. Make certain you are not left hanging high and dry, in the case things do not work out.

 

Thanks for this - it does help. I feel like I'm being selfish and to a degree, I am. He is getting used to living at home (at least for now) after over 8 years of being on his own, he hasn't lived in the city for over 8 years so it is about making connections.

 

Definitely it puts perspective and priority in my choices - I have to think to a degree about myself esp if I feel this way about "us". Me wanting to study is a choice that I want for myself, timing is the issue though - do I move by 2013 as promised or do I give myself more time to save so I'm more comfortable in terms of paying for the school fees etc.

[greenz]

I would just say don't chase after him. If he's not communicating well with you, stop trying so hard to communicate with him. Check up on him from time to time to see how things are, but don't get so caught up in what's going on. He obviously does have a new life there. Over time, see if he misses you when there is less contact. See if he brings up any of the issues and becomes concerned. If he knew your plans, he'll remember and he will either start getting worried that you haven't mentioned anything about them for a while or he might start getting worried (if he's changed his mind) that you will still come. If he's fading away over time and doesn't seem to be putting in the effort, don't make any big plans to move. That's a big life choice. Plan your life alone as best as you can right now. If you will move there without seeing any enthusiasm on his part, don't have any expectations.

[d'Arthez]

Me wanting to study is a choice that I want for myself, timing is the issue though - do I move by 2013 as promised or do I give myself more time to save so I'm more comfortable in terms of paying for the school fees etc.

If you do make the move to study in 2013, you have to have a backup plan in case things do not work out, with your boyfriend or with your school. Living together properly is a goal, but certainly not the point in which you will be certain of a "happily ever after".

 

If you can't make your deadline because of financial reasons, give yourself some extra time to make the money you need.

[FitChick]

How often did you see each other during those two years? Who did most of the traveling?

[befreckled]

How often did you see each other during those two years? Who did most of the traveling?

 

Sorry I haven't logged in for awhile. We've been in a relationship for 1.5 years out of those 2 years. We've done equal amounts of travelling - I might have logged one extra trip because I have recently quit my job and so I thought it best to visit him before I got a job (which hasn't happened yet). He paid for that trip though so financially I think we are about equal.