How to get over husbands bachelor party that occured 10 months ago?

[Goodenough]

Hi everybody,

 

I'm new here, so I apologize in advance if this post is long and/or seems confusing. I just want to try to give everyone a good idea of where I'm coming from on the subject.

 

My husband and I met about 3 years ago, fell quickly and "madly in love" and I fell pregnant just months after meeting with our first child. We were very happy, stayed together it was tough but nothing we couldn't handle. Fast foward a few months after having our child. We decide to get married. He had proposed and I accepted when I was six months pregnant. We set the date for summer of last year.

 

Before I get into the bachelor party stuff I need to say this. Both my husband and I aren't necessarily jealous people but we both don't like to "share" Just old fashioned? I had thought he and I shared the same views of what is appropriate and what is not.

 

O.k, to the point of this whole post.

Husbands best friend is getting married around the same time we are. They decide to have a joint bachelor deal. Husbands friend and wife have different views of what is acceptable in a relationship. I don't judge, it is how they work and that is fine. So, they decide there are going to be strippers- apparently there was no debate about it. Now, I'm not a prude and I'm not against strippers. I assumed the strippers would be there, dance around naked- jiggle their boobs around maybe touch each other whatever. That didn't bother me. I didn't think there would be touching of the men allowed simply for the safety of the women and honestly, maybe I was just naive about this crap I don't know.

 

Well, after the party which was about 2 days before our wedding my fiance disclosed to me that the strippers were actually completely naked, squatted over his face while the other girl performed oral on her, sat on his chest etc..

 

I was NOT OK WITH THIS. I felt my chest get tight and I really wanted to cry. I didn't want to be the "jealous controlling fiance" but really, I was so disapointed. However, the wedding was in two days and I don't think I had time to really process it. It was embarassing and I didn't want to tell everyone why I was second guessing things. His friends fiance was so ok with it I thought maybe I overreacted and just tried to forget about the whole thing even though it hurt me.

 

I told him never to talk about that with me again and thought that would be that. I tried to just forget it and it would pop up in my mind once in a while but i'd just tell myself to cut it out and don't think about it. Well, yesterday we were driving to an event that happened to be near the building the party was in. My husband decided to point it out and say "Oh look, that's where the bachelor party was" ... I don't think he even thought about what he was saying and I don't know why but I just blew up. I started yelling about how what he did was not right- if I EVER did something like that he would have a meltdown, why did he even think for once second that I would be ok with that etc..We got in a fight- he told me wtf is your problem it happened almost a year ago, your feelings about it are way over the top, its not like he cheated or anything- yadda, yadda.

 

SO

If you are still reading this I really appreciate it. I need to know, how can I move on from this? My husband and I have some other issues- mainly communication and I have to be fully honest- there are times when I don't see our marriage working out. I am pregnant with our second (and last child I'm having my tubes tied) and I want to have a family and do the right thing and stick it out and wait for it to get better. On the other hand I am young and I don't want to live my whole life waiting for something to work that may not even be right in the first place. This bachelor party issue may just be the last straw in a VERY big haystack but I feel it has alot more to do with our communication. The fact that he can't understand why it hurt me so much and also the fact that it took me 10 months to even tell him it hurt me. I know I can't stew about this forever and it's also not fair to hold something against him that I didn't fully address in the first place.

 

Any thoughts? Advice? Sorry again this was so long.

[darkmoon]

either he decides to stop talking about this and be nice to you - or leave him, his choice, he doesn't seem to care how you feel which is part of husbandly good behaviour (sorry) and remains a bit too stubborn to climb down and/or reassure you that he would be attentive in a way you want, instead he is taking you for granted

Edited June 9, 2012 by darkmoon

[oldshirt]

Have you ever seen any bacholette parties with male strippers? They are a whole hell-of-a lot worse than that!!! And the rauchy behavior isn't just from the male strippers but from the women themselves. Should all their husbands freak out and dump them because some guy rubbed his package all over their faces???

 

Don't get me wrong, I really do understand your discust here and I do think people should have a little more tact and decorum at bacholor/bachelorette parties.

 

But you need to realize he did not have an affair with anyone. He did not have a sexual encounter with anyone. He didn't cheat in any way.

 

Srippers are paid performers. They are paid to provide a show. Yes, that show may be kinda sleazy and juvinile and gross but it is still a paid act. They were not having romantic or sexual encounters with these guys and there was no feelings taking place and no interpersonal connections.

 

These gals groped each other and gyrated around and then took their money and went home. These guys paid their money, got a sleazy show and then went home.

 

As a guy I can tell you that most of them probably went home thankfull that they have a respectable, dignified wife that they share a home and family with and who doesnt' have to squat on complete strangers chests to make a living.

 

The reason your husband is more caveleir about it and mentions it like nothing happened is because in his mind NOTHING DID HAPPEN. The event had no significance to him and doesn't have any significance or impact in his life in any way shape or form. The only significance that this has had in his life is your negative reaction to it. Otherwise it has been a nonissue for him.

 

The vast majority of guys realize that strippers are just paid actors and performers and they have no real attraction or desire for them and it is just a fun night out with their buddies.

 

I do understand you being grossed out as it is kind of gross. I am not defending or condoning strippers as I am not into them in the slightest (I have 10,000 other kinks and perversions that I am into:p) But I really think you need to ask yourself if this is the hill you are wanting to die on.

 

Is it really worth it to you hold a grudge and let this impact your sanity and marriage? Is some gal that was being paid to act sleazy around a bunch of guys that she probably couldn't stand herself really going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back?

 

I don't mean to minimize your distress here but if this is the straw that breaks your back I think you need to take a serious look at the bundle of straws and address the greater straw load.

 

Sure this is a worthy straw, but I think the time and energy devoted to dealing with the rest of the straw load willl be more efficacious that worrying about this one particular straw.

[MissBee]

The problem IMO, is not getting over what happened, that is a snippet of the larger problem which is: you guys don't communicate well and you don't think your marriage will work out and it's one straw in a large haystack.

 

Often, smaller incidences are symptoms of larger problems that need to be addressed. I suggest you guys do some marriage counseling to work on your communication, to hash out your problems and to address the fear that this may not work or to start building a stronger foundation for the future. Lots of people "fall madly in love" but aren't a good match for a stable, sustainable, loving, relationship...this is just a fact. Which is why I strongly believe in pre-marital counseling, BEFORE you dive head first in heady on love.

[Goodenough]

Thank you everybody, I really do appreciate it!!!

 

OldShirt- You were incredibly insightful and you honestly really helped me out. My husband really is a great guy, and when you wrote "he metnions it like nothing happened because in his mind nothing happened" really made sense. No, this isn't a grudge worth stewing over you are very, very right. I really need to just forget about this and work on the larger issue at hand as MissBee said, which is the communication issue.

 

I had never actually wanted to leave him over this, I think I was just upset at the fact that we couldn't communicate to each other in the first place.

 

I think some martial counseling may be very helpful!

 

Thanks again!!!!!!!!

[Balzac]

Two children within three years AND communication problems~big,huge challenges. Focus on your communication.

[pink_sugar]

Wrong on both counts. Naked p(ussy on your chest is a sexual encounter. Ergo cheating.

 

The fact that it was paid strippers at a party doesn't make it any the less cheating then if he went out and hired a couple of hookers to do exactly the same thing.

 

The justification for the behavior is "It's a bachelor party! It doesn't count!"

 

Um yeah it does "count" which is why OP is so upset about it.

 

I agree with this poster to some extent. It would be like saying sexting and oral aren't cheating. There are all kinds of cheating. He could have removed himself from that situation. This is one of the reasons I've never been hot on bachelor/bachelorette parties (see my thread on the topic, OP). I just think it's immature of him, because he was a father of a young child at the time. In my opinion, stripper and partying days are over once you are a parent, even if you're not married yet. Strippers aren't supposed to do anything other than perform. I think another poster mentioned there isn't supposed to be any sexual or physical contact. May I ask how old you are? It sound like you've been holding this against him for some time, so I am curious as to why you decided to have another child with him so quickly when there are already issues in your 10 month marriage that started before the marriage.

Edited June 10, 2012 by pink_sugar

[MuscleCarFan]

While yes I agree it wasn't appropriate that the stripper sat naked on him, but he didn't have sex with the strippers. For him it was just entertainment.

 

With that said, you two need marriage counseling pronto. Why have a second kid already if you are having communication problems? That was just a bad idea.

[Goodenough]

Musclecarfan- The second child was not planned at all. You are right, it was careless of us but I wasn't going to have an abortion (No judgement on those at all just not for me) This is why I'm getting my tubes tied after this one. Well, that among many other reasons.

 

I do agree with the fact that my husband didn't exactly cheat. It wasn't as though he planned out the strippers routine or blah blah. I do agree he could have removed himself from the situation and when I asked him why he didn't he said he was embarassed and didn't want to look like an ass in front of everyone. I also agree with PinkSugar in saying that bachelor parties are just way out of control these days and when you are a parent you really need think about your actions. *Shrugs* Like I said, we really do need to work on our communication.

 

I sort of feel like an idiot. I don't know why I thought the strippers would just be dancing and I should have looked more into it or at least stood up and told him what I was comfortable with. I just assumed he would understand appropriate behavior- hence I think this all just boils down to the larger issue of communication (I feel like a broken record). My husband IS a good guy, amazing father. I just need to move on from this ridiculous event.

[standtall]

Get over it goodenough. Your husband probably had no say over the entertainment that night. Was he having sex with anyone? If no, then work on the other issues in your marriage and don't hen peck your husband away from you.

[Spark1111]

I think you blocked your true feelings for sooooo long that you were triggered big time when you passed the building.

 

Don't sit on feelings. Nothing good ever comes from it. The day you found out what happened, you should have communicated your hurt and frustration about the events in a calm and kind manner.

 

As he couldn't control the events, (lesson to be learned there!) he really can't be blamed for the side-show antics of what happened.

 

But he should listen to how much it upset you to realize there was physical contact with paid strippers.

 

Certainly he could understand.....How would he have felt to learn paid male strippers arrived at your bachelorette party and ground their genitals all over your chest?

[Janesays]

For the record, I wouldn't have been OK with it either. To the point where I would have called off the wedding and likely never spoken to him again. (I realize it's different when you have kids, you HAVE to speak, but for me it would be as little as possible for the rest of my life)

 

Find a man with some pride and some honor.

[setsenia]

I think that is the problem with hired strippers at your home versus going to a strip club...entirely different thing. It's really too bad your H shared a bachelor party with his friend. He should have had his own that way he'd have some choices in the matter.

[chrissylee]

Wrong on both counts. Naked p(ussy on your chest is a sexual encounter. Ergo cheating.

 

The fact that it was paid strippers at a party doesn't make it any the less cheating then if he went out and hired a couple of hookers to do exactly the same thing.

 

The justification for the behavior is "It's a bachelor party! It doesn't count!"

 

Um yeah it does "count" which is why OP is so upset about it.

 

 

I agree with this post 100%. Just because they were paid doesn't make it not cheating. I really think people use the "but it was a bachelor party" excuse to get a night of free cheating.

[standtall]

Wow, what is it that all of the angry posters on here are trying to accomplish? Talk this newlywed into divorcing over a bachelor party? So what, he was at a party that his friends had for him, and the entertainment was tasteless. He probably had very little control over what was going to show. I have been to these parties in the past, and witnessing a live "lesbian" act between 2 hired strippers is not considered the same as cheating with most men.... there is a big difference between that a sticking your d*** in the neighbor. It is not exactly classy or up to church standards, but bachelor parties in general are not anyway. OP, IMHO..tell your husband that your disappointed and then give it a rest.

Edited June 14, 2012 by standtall

[chrissylee]

Wow, what is it that all of the angry posters on here are trying to accomplish? Talk this newlywed into divorcing over a bachelor party? So what, he was at a party that his friends had for him, and the entertainment was tasteless. He probably had very little control over what was going to show. I have been to these parties in the past, and witnessing a live "lesbian" act between 2 hired strippers is not considered the same as cheating with most men.... there is a big difference between that a sticking your d*** in the neighbor. It is not exactly classy or up to church standards, but bachelor parties in general are not anyway. OP, IMHO..tell your husband that your disappointed and then give it a rest.

 

Cheating is more than just having sex with someone esle. Everyone has different opinons on what it is. Bachelor parties are tasteless and an excuse guys use to cheat. I really have never understood the mindset of Oh honey I love you so much I want to spend the rest of my life with you.... However, let me be "single" for one night and have a bunch of naked chicks grind all over me and I'm also going to grab a bunch of strange boobs...." :sick::sick:

 

If I guy feels this way he shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

[standtall]

 

If I guy feels this way he shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

 

Well if that was the case, then the marriage rate would be a lot less than what it is now. I am entitled to my opinion as much as you are to yours, so leave that be.

 

But no one has answered the question I posed. What exactly are posters like Janesays trying to accomplish by telling the OP it is cheating and he is not worthy? Are they trying to ruin someone else's marriage because they're bitter for some personal reason, or do they want to see it burn for the sake of burning?

Edited June 14, 2012 by standtall

[chrissylee]

Well if that was the case, then the marriage rate would be a lot less than what it is now. I am entitled to my opinion as much as you are to yours, so leave that be.

 

But no one has answered the question I posed. What exactly are posters like Janesays trying to accomplish by telling the OP it is cheating and he is not worthy? Are they trying to ruin someone else's marriage because they're bitter for some personal reason, or do they want to see it burn for the sake of burning?

 

 

For me it is cheating and if my bf did it to me he wouldn't be worthy of me. I deserve better than that. If people feel different then if it works for them ok. But I honestly don't understand how anyone with any self respect would be ok knowing their soon to be husband was having other chicks dry hump them.

[jwi71]

Well if that was the case, then the marriage rate would be a lot less than what it is now. I am entitled to my opinion as much as you are to yours, so leave that be.

 

But no one has answered the question I posed. What exactly are posters like Janesays trying to accomplish by telling the OP it is cheating and he is not worthy? Are they trying to ruin someone else's marriage because they're bitter for some personal reason, or do they want to see it burn for the sake of burning?

 

As you stated above, they are providing THEIR opinions. It's never a good quality to see one demand/expect different treatment that they themselves do not offer others.

 

For the OP.

I, like some others, believe AT LEAST he crossed the line and engaged in some clearly inappropriate behavior. I find difficult to believe that he had no foreknowledge of the strippers. But even if he did not, he failed to control himself and leave. No one forced him to participate or even stay.

 

I bet OP if you asked your H if you could go to a bachelorette party and let male strips cum on your shirt, he would object. I'm also willing to bet that he would not engage in such behavior in your presence.

 

However, in totality, from what we know, I would not say he cheated. Just showed some really poor judgement. Crossed reasonable lines of behavior.

 

Is that sufficient to end a M? That's your call.

I would consider MC. Work on communication skills.

 

Why does it bother you? Because it does. Because it hints at some potentially disturbing behavior and thought patterns. Because its reasonable to be bothered by that behavior.

 

I'd go to MC and talk it out.

Or not.

 

Your life , your choice, your consequence.

[standtall]

As you stated above, they are providing THEIR opinions. It's never a good quality to see one demand/expect different treatment that they themselves do not offer others.

 

 

No kidding..I never said anyone was wrong. If your read the whole thread, I was merely defending my opinion that watching a lesbo act for a bachelor party was not cheating, and even acknowledged that they were entitled to their own. I was trying to redirect the post to why some posters were giving advice to burn the marriage down. I'm still wondering..it seems a little drastic.

[chrissylee]

No kidding..I never said anyone was wrong. If your read the whole thread, I was merely defending my opinion that watching a lesbo act for a bachelor party was not cheating, and even acknowledged that they were entitled to their own. I was trying to redirect the post to why some posters were giving advice to burn the marriage down. I'm still wondering..it seems a little drastic.

 

I don't think it's drastic. IMO what he did shows a cOmplete lack of respect for her and their relationship. Life is to short to spend it with someone who treats u like u mean nothing

[2sunny]

Invite a few hot guys over to dance around - suck them off and let them use your boobs as their play toys = then see how your husband "feels" about it!

 

Then - discount HIS feelings and make him feel small for "feeling hurt"!

 

That would make him realize what a douche he's being.

[whichwayisup]

No kidding..I never said anyone was wrong. If your read the whole thread, I was merely defending my opinion that watching a lesbo act for a bachelor party was not cheating, and even acknowledged that they were entitled to their own. I was trying to redirect the post to why some posters were giving advice to burn the marriage down. I'm still wondering..it seems a little drastic.

 

Watching isn't cheating but I DO think since the stripper was on his chest and he got a real close up view of one stripper eating out the other stripper. That's totally inappropriate behaviour to participate in. She has a right to not be happy about it. She shouldn't divorce over it though.

 

The real issue that needs to be focussed on is how to communicate better with one another and really 'listen' to one another too. Marriage counselling has to happen. They have one child already and another one on the way. Throw kids into this mix and the communication problems life is NOT going to be easy.. Their issues just make this much harder in the long run.

[SarahRose]

i agree that it was extremely offensive and inappropriate what he did and yes it was cheating.

 

if she had done they same thing, he would not have been ok with it.

 

these weren't strippers, they were hookers.

 

if he was too cowardly to say no to an offensive cheating environment then he certainly would be too cowardly to fess up to cheating if he did.

 

but then again, you have to see your part in this. you know you should have called off the wedding but didn't because it was already set and only 2 days away. it would have taken a lot of courage to do that.

 

i would get into some couples counseling.

[standtall]

I don't think it's drastic. IMO what he did shows a cOmplete lack of respect for her and their relationship. Life is to short to spend it with someone who treats u like u mean nothing

 

Wow...So let me get this straight.... you're advocating divorce over the entertainment at a bachelor party?