Guilt after affair

[Ajvd1]

I have just recently stopped having an affair. I met the guy at work he was a delivery driver for a courier service and my work place was on his route he would stop three times a week. I always found him attractive but I am in a relationship with children so never took it past occasional flirting. One day he came in and overheard me speaking with a co-worker about needing some stuff for my dads birthday party and he said he could possibly help me out with getting a keg as he had some contacts. So he gave me his number. I contacted him and then we started texting alot. My relationship was rocky at this point was not good and I was not happy. So me and this guy decide to meet. I was under the impression he was single and we both decided on a no strings type relationship. The week before we are supposed to meet I find out he is in a relationship as well. But I met him anyway. One day during one of our conversations he said he had to go because his "wife" was home. So the next day I informed him I wouldn't have a relationship with a married person. He said he just called her that but they weren't married and wouldn't be married for a few years. So like an idiot I believe him. We continue seeing eachother. For some reason out of suspicion one day I googled his name and found a wedding registry for him and his gf. The wedding date was a weekaway from the date of the day I found it. I confronted him and he said that she was pregnant so they had to move the date up. I was under the impression that he was with someone who made him unhappy like me and then I find out this poor women is mere days from marrying this man and pregnant with his child. I feel awful for her! My guilt is eating at me and I am thinking of coming clean to my partner and her. They are now married. The last time I slept with him was just 8 days before the wedding. I need to know if I should come clean? And if so how do I go about it. I want to be clear I am not doing it for revenge I am just trying to let this lady know she better keep her eyes on him mostly looking out for her.

[Cracker Jack]

Honestly, do you actually feel guilty for what you've done to the man you're with? Because when reading that, it sounds like you're far more interested in the outcome of the other party's relationship rather than your own relationship. That's just the impression I got from reading that.

 

Anyway, you really need to come clean to your boyfriend because you've clearly hurt him. He also needs to know this so he can decide if he wants to continue with this. If you don't at least do that, you're on the same level as this guy you cheated with.

[Ajvd1]

Yes I feel guilty about all of it on both ends. My boyfriend has cheated on me numerous times and I always found out like years after the fact. So I cheated on him. Two wrongs don't make it right but I just was needing someone to make me feel wanted again. I realize now that the guy I was having this affair with is a lot like my boyfriend and the things he has done to me this guy is doing to his girl. Since I know what that feels like and the pain and struggle she'll face if she doesn't find out about what he's done soon...I figured maybe I should tell her. I wish any of the girls that had affairs with my man would have fessed up it may have saved alot of heartache and headache. If I tell I would plan on telling both parties.

[Cracker Jack]

Sorry, had no idea you dealt with infidelity on his end during the relationship. I still think you should tell him, because there's no point in continuing to have a relationship with secrets. As for telling his wife, that really comes down to you in the end. It's possible that she might not take your word for it. If she does listen to you, it's highly likely she'll want to work it out with him, anyway, but you never know.

 

I understand you're hurt, but at this point, I think it's best that you focus on fixing your relationship at this point. I hope you make the right decision in whatever you do.

[ryleeT]

terrible idea... there is no need to tell her or your boyfriend... why screw up their reality. You made a choice or a series of "bad" choices and its for you to come to terms with... rather, look back on it as a learning experience for you.

[Reddice]

This story is ridiculous! You want us to believe you have the best interest of this man's wife, but that's just a load of BS. The truth is you want to tell his wife in the hope she'll divorce him, so you can snatch this guy away and leave your own husband. You just want a replacement. You're too scared to be alone or you would have left your husband years ago. When this other man came along, you saw a way out of your marriage. Now that he turns out to be in a relationship himself, you want to mess things up there so you can continue with what you had first planned out. Stay out of it and don't speak to this man (or his wife) ever again!!!

 

I would recommend to tell your husband and divorce him as soon as possible. There is just no way this relationship will ever be healthy again with both people cheating on eachother. Once you're divorced, seek professional help. You really need someone to help you deal with your fear of being alone and your general lack of self-esteem. Yes... you read it correctly: You lack self esteem. If you had any ounce of it, you would have left your husband the first time he admitted cheating on you.

Edited June 10, 2012 by Reddice

[Ajvd1]

Thank you all for the insight. Just to clarify I am not married. I know it makes no difference but just wanted to specify. I do not wish to be with the other person. Never did. It was purely physical. My wish to tell was mostly just based on relieving my feelings of guilt. I realize now that could result I'm destroying her whole new world which would probably make me feel worse then I already do. If I would have known of her pregnancy and the wedding I most likely would have put the breaks on before anything would have happened. Too late now and lesson learned!

 

As far as my relationship is concerned I would still like to come clean. My only fear is that he would want names and details and perhaps he would confront them. I don't want that to happen. I am honestly concerned for his wife it's just the reaction I am having. There is no alterior motives involved. I just know how it feels and that's why I feel so guilty I suppose. Not sure how I am going to proceed on my end but have decided not to tell her. Contact was cut the minute I found out about the marriage and pregnancy and no plans of changing that. I have for sure learned not to ever cheat again. Totally not worth it!!!!!!

[nofool4u]

So the next day I informed him I wouldn't have a relationship with a married person.

 

So its ok for you to cheat on what basically could be considered a common law husband, but not ok for the guy you are cheating with to be married?

 

Thats what is known as hypocrisy. Or at the very least a double standard.

 

 

He said he just called her that but they weren't married and wouldn't be married for a few years. So like an idiot I believe him. We continue seeing eachother. For some reason out of suspicion one day I googled his name and found a wedding registry for him and his gf. The wedding date was a weekaway from the date of the day I found it. I confronted him and he said that she was pregnant so they had to move the date up. I was under the impression that he was with someone who made him unhappy like me and then I find out this poor women is mere days from marrying this man and pregnant with his child. I feel awful for her!

 

I feel awful for the father of your children.

 

 

My guilt is eating at me and I am thinking of coming clean to my partner and her. They are now married. The last time I slept with him was just 8 days before the wedding. I need to know if I should come clean?

 

Yes, you should come clean, because both his wife and your children's father deserve to know what they are committed to. They deserve the truth.

 

But what are your reasons for wanting to come clean? Was it only because you felt lied to? Or do you truly believe its the right thing to do?

 

 

And if so how do I go about it. I want to be clear I am not doing it for revenge I am just trying to let this lady know she better keep her eyes on him mostly looking out for her.

 

Ah, but you didn't feel this way before knowing you were cheating on your bf.

 

Sorry, you ARE doing this out of revenge. And in a hypocritical way I might add. You had no intentions of letting your bf know he better keep his eyes on you in the same way you think this other woman needs to with the man you bed down. See what I'm getting at here? You didn't have the mindset that those on the crap side of the stick of betrayal deserved to know until you found out the guy you were cheating with wasn't telling the exact truth.

 

Don't get me wrong, I feel your bf and this other woman deserve to know the people they are with.

 

But you didn't have the mindset that your bf deserved to know he has a woman he can't trust before you were upset about the guy you slept with. It shouldn't have mattered what his situation was, YOU CHEATED. You don't get to claim the high ground here.

 

If you tell the other man's now wife because she needs to keep an eye on him, then you tell your bf the same thing, and that he has a woman he can't trust as well.

 

Or better yet, why don't you break it off with your bf so he can move on with his life?

[nofool4u]

Yes I feel guilty about all of it on both ends. My boyfriend has cheated on me numerous times and I always found out like years after the fact. So I cheated on him.

 

Ok, good information that was left out of the first post.

 

Regardless, like you said, 2 wrongs don't make a right.

 

But what sucks is, even though you justified this as revenge, you didn't give a crap about this other guy's gf, as if being married makes a difference. You saw this as getting even with your bf, but now you helped to hurt someone who has done nothing to you.

 

I would have figured as someone who has been cheated on that you'd have had compassion for this other girl before you made the deal to sleep with the other guy on a regular basis. Guess not.

 

I am honestly concerned for his wife

 

If you were, you wouldn't have agreed to sleep with him on a regular basis. You only were concerned when you found out he wasn't completely truthful, as if cheaters aren't liars by default.

Edited June 11, 2012 by nofool4u

[Ajvd1]

I made a mistake I am nowhere near proud of. Am I upset that I was lied to? Yes! Marriage and babies on the way is alot more of a situation then simply being in a relationship. Do I think I am on the moral high ground if I were to come clean? HELL NO! Do I regret it all? Yes I do. I love my boyfriend but at times I feel very alone and the fact that he has cheated in the past didn't help my head when I got in this mess. I am a damn good mom and I am a good person who lost her head. But to clarify revenge isn't on my mind! I didn't do it for revenge and I wasn't seeking revenge by possibly owning up to my mistakes. Just feel everyone involved needs to know to proceed however that may be. Hopefully with counseling and repair for both our relationships. Not divorce and let's run away together bs! But I'll let him handle his wife however he deems appropriate. I just hope I don't get a call someday down the road from her. Also another factor I wastrying to avoid. I learned from this a huge lesson and that's all I can take from it anymore.

[jnj express]

2 things, you did not make a mistake---you planned everything you did

 

2nd your scum lover's wife deserves to know what kind of a piece of crap she is married to---she deserves to make an informed decision, about how to/who to, spend the rest of her life with.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Without attacking you or this guy in this post, I think you've got the point from other posters already and it's really not happening. I understand your pesrpective of the situation and how you not being married, about to have a baby or get married was completely different than you being in a bad relationship where you've been cheated on sevearl times, i understand your point of view but you've really got to work on your own relationship and focus on that.

 

I've been a cheater in the past myself and honestly I've been with a woman who didn't already suspect or know, they just turned a blind eye, I'm sure his new wife is the same way and hoping that marriage and a baby would change him. I doubt you will bring any news to the table.

 

Is it your obligation to tell the new wife about his infidelity still? not sure if you should feel so guilty as you do, I understand that this girl shouldn't have to endure this treatment, but then again it's not your relationship and you both full well knew that what you were doing wasn't right....the only thing you're going to do is get involved and bring yourself into the drama and endangering yourself if this girl is an idiot and blames you instead of him. I think she'll find out regardless, the truth always has a way of coming out.

 

Now if it was before getting married? i might do the girl a favor and let her know, to save herself from making a possible mistakes, but chances are...you know women, they'll just stick around anyway, they're eager to marry and she's pregnant, highly doubtful she'd leave the guy. i don't think your intervention will make a difference unless he's never cheated, but with cheaters they usuallynever cheat just once and this guy sounds like the cheater type, he seemed experienced, it wasn't all it just happened, he knew what he was doing from the get go.

 

It's really time to start working on your own relationship, this is a bad situation, you've got to figure that out because that definitely is your responsibiilty and you've got to stop making excuses.

[Ajvd1]

Thank you so much for that. Best advice I have received so far @Ninja. They are already married so I am gonna go with the old saying speak now or forever hold your peace. I missed my opportunity to speak. I don't wish to ruin their marriage. That's the whole reason I wasn't cool with it when I found out. Marriage is a big deal and should be taken seriously. I guess I should just be glad I found out and ended it before vows were exchanged. You are also correct in saying she may already have had an idea.

 

Best thing for me to do now is work on my relationship and make the decision of telling him the truth or not. I get mixed views from my friends on this. The overall answer is mostly to not tell him. Just to not do it again. I already learned my lesson there and don't intend to go down this path again. I called a counselor and made an appointment to get some help and better perspective on the situation.

[nofool4u]

Best thing for me to do now is work on my relationship and make the decision of telling him the truth or not. I get mixed views from my friends on this. The overall answer is mostly to not tell him. Just to not do it again.

 

Well if you don't tell him, then never EVER again bring up his cheating. You don't get to cheat, withhold that information, then throw it in his face as if you aren't guilty of the same type of character.

[Ajvd1]

Understandable and I do not bring up his cheating to him. I internalize most of my leftover feelings of his infidelity. We have gone to counseling together to help with this and he has also gone on his own to help figure out why for years he was basically a serial cheater. Guess it's my turn to finally really deal with my feelings about it and figure this **** out. Hopefully...it will work out. If not at least it got me to the point to finally face everything.

[Ajvd1]

It was a mistake in my thinking I could handle doing this without feelings. While I don't have feelings for him I feel awful for what we have done to our partners. I am talking to a professional about what action to take and how to do so before I proceed. Unfortunate event now is that I found out yesterday he's back on our route. Luckily I wasn't there but it's pretty unavoidable that our paths are going to cross eventually. I don't know how to handle that.

[Darren Steez]

Here's the thing, tell your boyfriend first if you are so guilty about what happened. you Slept with this guy knowing full well he was engaged but you still slept with him, now he's married, so just move on.

 

The fact that your relationship was "rocky" and you decided to sleep with someone else doesn't augur well does it?

[Jlovepj1027]

I think you should come clean to both his wife and your man! If it were me I would want to know and respect you for coming to me and telling me the truth yourself! It's not fair to her to have to marry him not knowing everything, and you knowing he was in a relationship should have stoppe right away. I've been cheated on and luckily my hubby came clean to me the moment it happened but she didn't, and the fact that she knew I was pregnant and had a daughter makes me sick that she was so selfish to try and tear our family apart. I thin honesty is the best policy and it's her right to know the truth.