pink_sugar Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 So what are all of your views on gift giving or your gift giving policy with your inlaws? I usually never even get a happy birthday from my parents in law since my husband and I have been together. Although they even sometimes forget their own son's birthday. I got a lot of facebook messages from extended in laws saying happy birthday, but I probaby shouldn't count facebook since it has a system reminder. His grandparents on his biological father's side send me a card. Do you think it's essential to remember your son/daughter in law's bday? Another thing that irritates me that his mom not only bore her cancer bad news update on our wedding anniversary, but also on my birthday. I mean it sucks, but they never give any sort of consideration about the days they are telling this news. If it's not important enough for a phone call, but rather a mass email, it can wait. Link to post Share on other sites
TripLine Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I don't know my sister's birthday, and sometimes I may forget mines until Xmas/New Year begins since my birthday are close to those holidays. I do not buy anybody in my family Bday/Xmas presents and I tell them to stop doing it for me. I stop having birthday parties at 13, and I stopped celebrating my birthday a few years ago and even took it off Facebook. I am 25. It is irritating when people think their "Date of Birth" is do or die. I bet the mother did not give you the bad news purposely on your DoB, but maybe the female perspective is different, I am a realist. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted June 9, 2012 Share Posted June 9, 2012 I'm sorry but do you realise how selfish it sounds that you think your birthday is more important than someone having cancer. OP - you are constantly posting about your family or your husband's family. You need to step back from all this mess. Your family now is you and your husband. Concentrate on that and not everybody else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 In any other circumstance, it would be different, but this is a mother who has neglected her son all her life, put her husband and dogs first. One time he had to call her on his birthday and she claimed she was going to send an ecard and another time she sent him a birhday card in the mail despite living down the street. This ways way before she had cancer and when she was first diagnosed, my husband did a lot of her. They only wanted us around "when they needed something". His stepfather would not allow him to see his mother withouy an appointment or when it was convinient for them. When she was in remission and went back to work she decided to dump him off a cliff over facebook. So I'm sorry i just cannot find sympathy for someone who only wants a conditonal relationship with their kid when they are dying. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Dying people can behave in all sorts of strange ways. I have lost several family members and friends to cancer in the last couple of years, and they don't see the world we do- and while we can't appreciate it, we can try to empathize. As frustrating as it can be, the fact that they are dying pretty much trumps anything else, including birthdays. A friend of mine who died recently rejected several close friends and completely cut off contact with them for no apparent reason. Birthdays can actually be a very distressing time for those with a terminal illness- its a reminder of what they are going to miss out on. A terminal illness can make a person self centered, depressed and bitter. Can you blame them? It's easy to say well, why cant they just make the most of the time they have left, but Its way more complicated than that. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 Ps, for the record, my inlaws send me a card for my birthday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 What did you buy your mother in law on her birthday last time? She's always told us not to get her anything, but I put together a body set for her which I never got a thank you for. One time she did get me something for my birthday and it was a bag of toiletries from her bathroom like expired facial firming creams and whatnot. Really I'm 23. Facial firmers and anti-wrinkle? lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Ps, for the record, my inlaws send me a card for my birthday. My husband gets a card. I don't even get that. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 My husband gets a card. I don't even get that. Same here. I don't even think they know my birthday. I really couldn't care less. My husband makes a big fuss over my birthday, and that is all that matters to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Same here. I don't even think they know my birthday. I really couldn't care less. My husband makes a big fuss over my birthday, and that is all that matters to me That's cool. I probably wouldn't make as big a deal of it if my husband made more than a last minute effort. If I don't "tell him exactly what I want" the day will arrive and he will have bought nothing for me, telling me exactly that. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 That's cool. I probably wouldn't make as big a deal of it if my husband made more than a last minute effort. If I don't "tell him exactly what I want" the day will arrive and he will have bought nothing for me, telling me exactly that. Focus on communicating with your husband, and developing your relationship together. Tell him what is important to you. He's the one married to you--not his family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I hope to marry into a good family...as while people like to say you're married to the person and not their family, it's not entirely true...as once married to them, you're going to forever have to deal with their family, unless they are estranged from them. No family is perfect but in reality, the family your spouse comes from affects your relationship for better or worse. If you are married to someone who has a volatile family relationship, it will affect your relationship, esp. if you have kids, likewise, having good in laws, can only make your life easier and more enjoyable. I'm not married but in my family the in-laws have a good relationship. We have family gatherings and on birthdays, christmas, mothers day, fathers days etc the in-laws give each other gifts or have a dinner celebrating it, where all are invited or they at the least call to wish them a happy whatever the day is. I've grown up seeing that in my family, so I hope that the person I marry, I get along with their family as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 Focus on communicating with your husband, and developing your relationship together. Tell him what is important to you. He's the one married to you--not his family. Point taken, thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 So what are all of your views on gift giving or your gift giving policy with your inlaws? I usually never even get a happy birthday from my parents in law since my husband and I have been together. Although they even sometimes forget their own son's birthday. I got a lot of facebook messages from extended in laws saying happy birthday, but I probaby shouldn't count facebook since it has a system reminder. His grandparents on his biological father's side send me a card. Do you think it's essential to remember your son/daughter in law's bday? Another thing that irritates me that his mom not only bore her cancer bad news update on our wedding anniversary, but also on my birthday. I mean it sucks, but they never give any sort of consideration about the days they are telling this news. If it's not important enough for a phone call, but rather a mass email, it can wait. Birthdays are a big deal to some people and it seems bdays aren't to them. If this woman isn't a daily part of your lives, then laugh it off. Don't make a big deal of it. Continue to make the effort and buy her a thoughtful gift because it's just a nice thing to do for her on her bday. Plus, it'll mean a lot to your husband that you're doing this. Not sure what to say about the cancer thing and the timing of her telling people about it. Do you think she did it on purpose (like knew for a while and decided to upstage you and make your wedding anniversary celebration about HER?) or was it more she was upset and couldn't hide the fact she was diagnosed with cancer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted June 10, 2012 Author Share Posted June 10, 2012 I hope to marry into a good family...as while people like to say you're married to the person and not their family, it's not entirely true...as once married to them, you're going to forever have to deal with their family, unless they are estranged from them. No family is perfect but in reality, the family your spouse comes from affects your relationship for better or worse. If you are married to someone who has a volatile family relationship, it will affect your relationship, esp. if you have kids, likewise, having good in laws, can only make your life easier and more enjoyable. I'm not married but in my family the in-laws have a good relationship. We have family gatherings and on birthdays, christmas, mothers day, fathers days etc the in-laws give each other gifts or have a dinner celebrating it, where all are invited or they at the least call to wish them a happy whatever the day is. I've grown up seeing that in my family, so I hope that the person I marry, I get along with their family as well. I definitely understand what you mean. I've noticed everyone has different views on families. "You're married to him, not his family" and also "When you marry him, you marry his family". It's difficult for me to place where I feel. He is pretty much estranged from his family, so I have to accept that, but my family has always been rather close, so I have mixed opinions. There is also a lot of dysfunction in my family and you really cannot fault the person for their family, but at the same time you're right, the relationship with their family does affect your relationship or marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 I definitely understand what you mean. I've noticed everyone has different views on families. "You're married to him, not his family" and also "When you marry him, you marry his family". It's difficult for me to place where I feel. He is pretty much estranged from his family, so I have to accept that, but my family has always been rather close, so I have mixed opinions. There is also a lot of dysfunction in my family and you really cannot fault the person for their family, but at the same time you're right, the relationship with their family does affect your relationship or marriage. You two live your life together and deal with his family on a light and peaceful note (and that may mean sucking it up and dealing with some crap at times, but keeping the peace and not getting stressed out about stuff is the best for you two).. It does affect relationships/marriages but only to a certain degree. It doesn't have to 'ruin' them or make things worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 My husbands family can be intensely irritating and insensitive to both of us. We laugh it off now, we are the team, we live together, so there is no point letting it affect our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted June 10, 2012 Share Posted June 10, 2012 We're all really close. There is no real policy, but practice is a card in the mail to arrive on or before the birthday, a phone call on the birthday (even for tiny kids) and a family get together as near to the birthday as possible to celebrate, with a big meal, gifts, and loads of fun for all generations. And Facebook messages, WhatsApp and txt messages for those who partake but not everyone does. But we all get on really well and enjoy spending time together, so grab any excuse that presents itself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 My experience is similar to Miss Bee's. My sister had been married for 10 yrs before I got married, and I was used to her husband's family basically being our extended family. All of our family functions include his family, and everybody celebrates most occasions together. And my sister actually doesn't even like her in-laws!! But I like it this way. I think when you get married you become your own family of 2, and you also join the other's family. I am happy that my husband's family feels the same way mine does. They have welcomed me completely. As far as birthdays go, my in-laws send me a gift & a card, and my parents have my husband and I over so that they can give him a gift & card for his. (His parents live out of state.) There are also other relatives here & there who send us cards or gifts.. his grandma always sends me something, and one of my aunts always sends him something. Link to post Share on other sites
Rager50 Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 This made me laugh out loud. My family is awesome. (Isn't that what most people think?) My husband not only gets a card and gift from my parents, but at least a card from my grandparents as well. As for me - we try to go to dinner with my inlaws once a month. The dinner AFTER my birthday, my mother in law will always ask when my birthday is, and when my husband says "It was last week, mom," she smiles and says "Oh." And that's the end of it. It's been going on for four years now. She knows exactly what she's doing. Passive aggressive QUEEN! But I don't mind. I feel that I'm fortunate enough to know exactly the kind of person she is, so that I don't expect something I'm never going to get. It is rare that someone reveals themself so completely and immediately; I am lucky indeed. That's my opinion for PinkS - you seem to have a good grasp of the kind of person your mother in law is (self-involved, inappropriate, oblivious). You don't really expect her to change, do you? Be the bigger person, accept her for what she is, and don't get your feelings hurt when she behaves EXACTLY THE WAY YOU KNOW SHE WILL. "Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me." However, this would mean you give up the victim role...and you seem unwilling to do this, since this has been going on for years. What, my dear, does that say about you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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