the boyfriend's girlfriend passed away

[Hereiam007]

so my friend sue is dating a guy who is still in love with his ex-girlfriend who passed away. the two daughters lost their mother and the boyfriend john feels responsible for raising them.

 

This is causing friction in their relationship between john and sue.

can people ever move on to go to a new relationship after their current girlfriend died in a freak car accident?

thanks for any input.

will answer questions

 

my friend sue is fighting to change john and help him move on. thanks again for any thoughts.

 

my initial reaction is that john doesn't want to move on. she shouldn't want to change him.

 

thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

Who is the kids father? Are there any grandparents to help these children?

Maybe they are his kids?

 

How long have J and S been a couple? Sounds like it hasn't been that long.

[alexandria35]

I think your friend is not thinking clearly. Why did she even bother getting involved with a guy who is still in love with his ex? Sounds like she was his rebound relationship and those often don't work out anyways. Now she wants to change him and help him move on. Why doesn't she find a guy who doesn't need to change? The current guy will need to grieve for a year or so and then once he's through that he may be ready to move on but this might also mean moving on from your friend too. Right now she is a source of comfort and security that he's holding on to like a life raft but after he heals he might decide he doesn't need his life raft anymore.

 

How long was this guy with his ex and is he the father of her children? If he's not the father than why does he want to raise her children? Perhaps a romantic notion of holding onto the gf and the past? In any case, your friend should turn her attention to herself and realize that there is no point in trying to change another person into someone else.

[Capris]

Hi Hereiam007,

 

Dating a widower is a whole other story. How long have they been together?How long after her passing did they start the relationship?

 

General advice is that your friend must be patient. Grief is a tricky place to be and takes time. He needs to deal with the grief in general, with or without your friend.

[Spark1111]

I lost a dear friend, young, from brain and lung cancer. Her man, the one who wanted to marry her and have children with her, spent every non-working day and every night at the hospital where she underwent chemo for 10 months.

 

He loved her.

 

After she passed, we stayed in touch. He was handsome and kind and honest and sweet.

 

One day he called me up and told me he had met a woman worth pursuing, among many who were pursuing him.

 

I asked him, how do you know?

 

He said, "This is the first one who let's me talk all night long about her!"

 

She wasn't made insecure about his endless talk of the love he lost, what my friend went through and what he went through as he was losing her.

 

Smart, secure woman.

 

They are still together.

 

If you love the man, you love and support him; good times, bad times, times of grief, even in his love of another woman who he lost.

 

Don;t want to hear it? Move on. You probably do not love the man enough. You feel threatened and insecure by it. You want him to see only you. Your ego cannot withstand his devotion to another who died. Completely understandable.

 

But realize you have lost a man that loved deeply, unselfishly, and may never get over it completely.

 

If you have patience, he may someday love you like that. People who DO relationships well go on to have another love of their life fairly quickly, IF she is the right person who can compassionately listen to his grieving the loss of the love of another.

[Hereiam007]

Thank you all who replied. She is with her man. He will always grieve, but she is ok with it. I think eventually she may want more from him. He is in his 60 and he may always consider her number 1.

 

Thank u all for writing. Sorry I didn't answer questions.

[skywriter]

Hereiam007,

 

It's ok to let him vent about his deceased wife, but as sure as we are all human, she'll eventually become resentful of him to letting go and moving on.

 

It'll be her questioning if he's gonna build their relationship or if it'll only go so far. Considering his age, it's likely that your friend sue, will wan to be able to establish her place in their relationship and move forward.

 

If not, she may feel that she's wasting her time. I don't believe that makes her any less compassionate. If anything, I thik it makes her a realistic person.