27 year old going through breakup

[confused_girl_1984]

I am 27 years old and was engaged at the age of 23. Things ended very badly. I caught my ex in bed with a family friend one day after we bought our first home together. It took me well over two years to even consider dating again as I hated men but then I met my soulmate. He was well bought up, is so respectful to females and is the sweetest, most wonderful man i've ever met. We broke up just over a week ago (after 2 years) because he has committment issues. He is almost 30 and I was his first girlfriend so I think he wants to see what else is out there.

 

I had been pushing him over the past few months to talk about our future. Not necessarily marriage, I just wanted a bit of direction to see what our future would hold. He got mad when I asked about it and avoided me for the rest of the night (we live together).

 

I sent him a long email at work the next day asking him what he wants from me and he never responded so I sent him a text asking him to respond. He replied saying he would discuss it with me when he got home but we had dinner plans with friends so we didn't get a chance.

 

The next day, he still hadn't responded so I left him a voicemail and text him in the morning and got no response until 9:30PM saying he was out with workmates and would be home to discuss "soon". He apologised for the late response and said he had only just gotten my messages as he

"had his phone switched off all day".

 

He didn't bother turning up until 6am the next morning so I sent him a message saying he was a coward avoiding me and that I didn't want to be with him anymore. It seems like he kept pushing me away until I broke up with him in the end so he didn't have to do the dirty work.

 

I saw text messages on his phone from the day we broke up asking a girl out on a date. This upset me because A) he told me he had his phone switched off for the whole day, yet he was messaging this girl and B) I found out that he met her 6 months ago through friends and he had become FB friends with her. Apparently they didn't do anything while we were together but i'm more upset that they've kept in touch as friends and he's trying to arrange a date with her pretty much straight away (3 hours before I made the split official via text). Why do guys always have to have a back up girl? It's also sickening to know there are girls out there who know that someone is in a long term relationship, yet they have every intention of sleeping with the guy anyway).

 

A date generally means he has feelings for this girl and doesn't just want sex. He said that he loves me as a friend and i'm the "most amazing girl he's ever met but we weren't right for each other". He would never intentionally do anything to upset me and said he was too drunk and didn't even remember sending the messages to her. He said it's far too soon for him to move on emotionally but I will be hurt if he has one night stands.

 

This happened last week and we are still living together (in separate rooms). I am trying to move out ASAP but we got a dog together about a year ago and I can't afford to rent/buy a house by myself. I am stuck there for at least another 3-6 months.

 

Everyone thinks i'm mad still living with him but we're the best of mates and he is such a nice guy (apart from the 2 days leading to the breakup). I am worried I will not be able to move on if I continue living with him because it's like we're still together minus the sex. We still watch movies together and go out for dinner and hang out, which doesn't feel awkward at all.

 

He has gone away to his parents house up the Coast for the long weekend (4 days). This the longest i've gone without seeing him throughout the entire relationship. It's only day 2 and i'm missing him like crazy! I can't wait to see him when he gets back but it hurts to know he doesn't feel the same way.

 

I really want us to get back together but I know it won't work out if he doesn't see a future with me...

 

I have gone out partying for the past 2 weekends with my single friends and the dating scene has changed alot over the past 2.5 years. All the guys that i've spoken to are absolute douches and are only after one thing. I keep comparing them to my ex who is so respectful of females and treated me like a princess and now i'm wondering if there is ever going to be someone out there for me.

 

I don't want to be in my mid thirties, single, with no children :/ I don't have any family in this country and don't know what to do!

 

I'm worried that he decided to go away for the long weekend because he feels awkward about our living situation and doesn't want to be around me but he keeps reassuring me that it's fine and he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.

[d'Arthez]

Difficult situation to be in, when you have no one to really fall back on. He is now almost having the best of both worlds, and that is obviously not healthy for you.

 

He would never intentionally do anything to upset me and said he was too drunk and didn't even remember sending the messages to her. He said it's far too soon for him to move on emotionally but I will be hurt if he has one night stands.

It also seems you are stuck on an idealized image of him. He may not have the intention to hurt you, but come on? Texting a girl to set up a date, without even having completely broken up with you (you confirmed the breakup 3 hours after that)? Hello? Where is the integrity?

 

As difficult as it is, stop spending time with him. Because he will hurt you, with his actions, and you will feel all the worse for providing him company, when he is having fun with other girls behind your back.

 

Make plans to move out as soon as you can. Don't start (seriously) dating just yet. You are still hurting, and every guy will remind you of your ex. Give yourself some time to heal.

[watsluvgot2dowitit]

If you really want him back you need to do the 180, if he doesn't show any interest after then, it was doomed from the start.

 

Continue going out. This is good. Do not bring up the breakup again. Be happy all the time act as if you could care less about him and his life.

[confused_girl_1984]

So, my situation has changed a bit. He came home last night after his 4 day holiday. I was in my room watching tv and he knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him.

 

I didn't mention the break up at all but then he started asking me questions like "Did you meet any guys over the weekend" and "What are your thoughts?" I said" what are my thoughts on what?" and he said "your thoughts on us". I said that I didn't really have any thoughts as he didn't want to be with me anymore so I was trying my hardest to get on with my life. He sat there and stared at me for about 5 minutes without saying anything.

 

He then started going on about how he missed me over the weekend and wanted to discuss the possibility of just "going on a break" to give him a couple of months to see what he wants.

 

I can kind of understand where he's coming from as he's almost 30 and i'm his first girlfriend but now I wish he hadn't bought up the conversation at all as now I feel like there's hope.

 

I was just getting to the acceptance stage that the relationship was over and now it feels like he's giving me false hope. It could work out but it could also get worse.

 

This morning when I saw him and spoke to him about it he was being evasive about our discussion and said "I still want to be on a break and hang out with my friends and I want you to go and have fun but I just need some time to think about things".

 

Apparently, one of the main reasons is my career. I work and study 7 days a week and according to him "we never go away for weekends together". He doesn't understand that I have had to work my butt off to get where I am today (it has taken me 10 years to get where I am). I have a very successful career and would never give it up for anyone!

 

I am currently trying to find a new place to live but he's asked me to hold on for another 3 months to move out, incase we do end up getting back together but I am worried that if he doesn't change his mind by then, it's going to make it so much harder for me in the long run.

 

HELP!!!

[d'Arthez]

I would say keep looking for your own place. And don't feed the hope that things might work out. He could have discussed his doubts with you while in the relationship, but he obviously chose not to. That to me is the real concern.

 

If he wants to get you back, he needs to make a serious effort, not a half-assed non-committed attempt to keep you on the back burner. That is all he is willing to do, and you deserve better than that.

 

He is likely to step up his efforts when you are going out with other men. But jealousy is a poor predictor of actual compatibility. Don't yourself be swayed by a few meaningless words, especially since his actions do not back them up.

[confused_girl_1984]

Yeah, I agree that if I move out it will make him work harder if he really wants to be with me. Unfortunately that's not an option at the moment so I am just avoiding him at home as much as possible, ie. staying in my room and watching tv/studying, working longer hours, or going out with friends so i'm not around him all the time.