From Soulmates to Roommates. Help!

[spiderlily]

Is it me?

 

My husband and I will have been married four years in about one more week. We've been together for about five and a half years.

 

For at least a year now, we only have sex about once or twice a month. Most of the time he rather put on Playboy and masterbate instead of having sex with me. He says it's more relaxing and he's too tired to actually have sex. Generally when he does want to have sex with me, it's three o'clock in the morning when I'm asleep and not interested. These days, I'm not interested anymore anyway.

 

He does work alot. In fact, he works most of the time. His industry requires him to work from 9am-9pm about five days a week. Being the workaholic that he is, not to mention he's paid on commission, he generally works his days off too. This leaves us about one day a week to spend together and two nights a week when he gets out early, by 7pm. Naturally, his job is taking a toll on our marriage. I'm restless, bored, depressed, and frustrated.

 

As if it's bad enough that we never see each other, twice a week he'll call and ask if I mind if he goes out for a beer after work with the guys. Now that I've been complaining about it so much, he'll ask me if I want to come knowing that I'm not going to drive an hour to meet up with his coworkers for a beer at 10pm at night. Even though he's home by 11:30, it bothers me. He should want to be home with me, but even when he is home, we generally hang out in seperate rooms, and watch seperate tvs.

 

To top it off, he refuses to quit smoking (my pet peeve) which I feel is a total disrespect for our future, however short that may be if he doesn't stop his pack a day habbit.

 

All these things have lead me to become untrusting. I check his cell phone, email, the credit card statements exprecting to catch him cheating or something. There's never anything unusual. We had a mutual friend that was flirting with my husband for a long time, even showed up to his work and asked him to go for a drink, and even though he tells me about it right away, I believe she created alot of my insecurities in our marriage.

 

I feel totally neglected, left to care for our dogs, which he wants but doesn't want to be bothered caring for.

 

When I try to speak to him about anything, he just says I'm miserable and hate everything. "You hate your job, hate your house, hate your life. I'm sick of hearing it." Sadly, it's partly true. I do hate my job and hate living out in the middle of nowhere, married but not really married. I feel more like roommates and I'm barely even attracted to him anymore. I was never a depressed person but for months now I feel like this situation is making me very depressed. I feel trapped.

 

Any advice? We've already been to marriage counseling two years ago. I'm at a loss.

 

Oh, and no, I haven't gained unusual weight or let myself go. I look the same as the day he met me.

[Matilda]

Well, sounds like you and your husband need to make some changes. First of all, if you hate your job then start looking for another one. If you hate where you live, then maybe it's time to think about living somewhere else.

 

Tell your husband that your marriage is in big trouble, and if the both of you don't do something about it now, you soon won't have a marriage. Ask him if he is willing to work on the marriage? This may mean that he needs to cut down on the hours he is working so the two of you can have more time together. Also, so that he is not too tired to have sex with you.

 

What are the kinds of the things that you like to do together? Start thinking of some, and start trying to do some of these things.

 

And take a look at marriagebuilders.com, there is a lot of great information there.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by spiderlily

Most of the time he rather put on Playboy and masterbate instead of having sex with me. He says it's more relaxing and he's too tired to actually have sex. Generally when he does want to have sex with me, it's three o'clock in the morning when I'm asleep and not interested.

 

If anyone ever told me he would RATHER jerk off to porn than to take the time to be with me - a real woman - not only would I think there was something seriously wrong with him, but I'd kick his butt out the door.

 

If he's too tired to have sex with you at a decent hour then that tells me he needs to change something else in his life. He shouldn't be ruining your sex and intimacy life because he's tired, if that's the real reason. You say he works a lot - if he's really that tired, then that's what needs to change. It doesn't sound like he wants to put any effort into your marriage. If that's the case, the marriage is doomed. It takes two to make it work.

[shortbus74]

It sounds like you love your hubby very much,

I would plan a romantic night with him... I suck at planning romantic things so here is a link to help you http://www.wtoc.com and click on relationships... this should help you out a little... and if the hubby does not respond to this.... I say trade him in for a newer model!

 

 

Good luck... and dont give up quite yet!!

[Verymuchinlove]

I think people over time get too comfortable with each other, and that comfort takes the passion away. Back when your relationship was young, you both probably tried harder because you didn't know each other as well. The comfort is not nessisarily bad, but you have to almost be consious of it and don't let it take away from doing some of the things you would have done when you didn't know the other person quite as well.

 

Do you surprise each other? Cook something fancy to surprise him when he comes home? Put a note in his wallet telling him how much your lives mean to you etc. Use baby talk? All these little things will sort of reverse the trend you are in now (In my opinion) and those little things are boosters to your relationship.

 

It does take two, but some one needs to take the initative and make it happen. If both sit around waiting, obviously things won't happen. Call him at lunch one day and tell him you are feeling frisky and can't wait for him to come home that night. Sounds humorous maybe, but it will change the cycle that you are in now and I think can improve things. Best of luck to your marriage.