Ex Girlfriend won't let me go

[Jose11]

Think about yourself first. She is probably not a bad person as others are saying, but she just doesn't know how bad this is affecting you. Just tell her life is about making decisions and learning to live with the results.

 

I've learned, as much as you want to be with a certain person in these situations, and they say they just don't know what they want, they do know and so do you. They do not want to be with you, they are just too scared to admit it and you are too scared to accept it. If they wanted to be with you they would. There isn't some outside force stopping her from being with you, there is only her. Once you realize this and accept it, only then will you start to move on and work on yourself.

[Daniel5987]

I think she does what she does out of both 'need' [for you to be there for her on the backburner] and for her to not feel 'guilty' by living out her fantasy.

Weather this fantasy is another guy, a lifestyle change or what not, it doesn't matter because it doesn't involve you being with her in a relationship.

 

 

Everything you do right now is against your own health.

You will be told by women that are either immature or feel they have a vested interest that you should be 'there for her' and 'try to understand her' and 'support her in trying to find herself'.

This is all complete bull**** and i suspect you already got these answers, hence you coming to this board.

Make no mistake, this girl has been cooking it for some time now, no woman leaves a relationship without having something else lined up in terms of 'what will i do'.

When a woman tells you she wants to end it, it is 99% sure that she put a lot of thought into this and has already started detaching. There are some who use this as a threat to take control in a relationship.

When you have a dog you don't pet him on the head for ****ting in your bed, you punish the dog. That's what normal ppl do with ppl who wrong them as well. You get to train other ppl in regards to the way they treat you.

 

You need to start getting control of your life, put her in her place [NC and enforce it ... txt-ing back 'leave me alone' at her's is breaking the NC], and start dating pronto.

And FYI, being friends with your ex barring having kids together is disrespectfull towards your future relationship partner. Very disrespectfull.

 

You both are at an age where you are still immature.

She idealises the single lifestyle, parties, college and the likes and sees the relationship with you as an impediment to her having unrestrained fun.

She truly wants to be back with you, but after she does this thing of hers and if she happens to find a better guy ... well sorry dude.

Now, do you think this is fair to you or highly selfish ?

 

Because this is what this girl is doing to you right now.

 

GIGS gives ppl an altered state of mind where they are hypnotised by a fantasy. It's kinda like an emotional/physichal affair except that in the case of the affair you actually have weapons to fight with [kids, her family, societal dissaproval].

You are up against a fantasy in her, and i looked up a few threads to see what it's like in her shoes and in another guy's shoes :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/328979-deadline-our-relationship-he-doesnt-know-about - her shoes, see how she is also enamorated with the ideea of changing lifestyles and won't pull the plug on her relationship untill she has everything setup there ?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/326791-long-term-girlfriend-wants-single-young-party - same thing as your situation

 

Read them both in great detail.

 

Thanks for this reply it really is sorting my head out a lot. I'm so glad I actually went onto this board to find answers because I certainly feel better now thanks to everyone's support on here. Il stay on here anyway il keep it like a blog.

 

But more importantly to this topic, Ive accepted that she doesnt want me in her life now even though she came up with this convincing stuff like I want to see how we get on then there's a possibility of a relationship etc.. I just believed in it because I wanted it back.

 

I know it's not an other guy I can guarantee you, I snooped around her stuff near the end of the relationship and I'm pretty sure there isn't. She just always went on about going on holiday and to the club life, it made me feel paranoid because she just was a mess when she was drunk. I feel so relieved that I don't have to worry about her and that.

 

Your right we are young, I'm seventeen, I didn't put out my age on here because I didnt want people to be ageist and that. I mean I KNOW I'm young to be having a relationship, I should be wanting to enjoy myself but I couldn't help how I felt though. I just needed advice and feel better now.

 

Yeah I totally agree with what you said. I do hate who she become, she used to worry that I was going to change at the start now look at her haha ridiculous.

 

Yeah she was being proper cold towards me the last few weeks or so, I even said to my friend I guarantee you we will be not together in a few weeks and I was right oh well I wish I could find like a girl who was slightly clingy, I never felt appreciated or wanted it would be nice to have a girl who worried about me.

 

Last thing, if she contacts me apologising and saying shall we give it another go? Should I ignore?

[Jose11]

If she contacts you for another go, that's your decision to make. Unless she does it within the next hour, then take some time off her. That means if she says I want to try again, you say I don't know, i need some time to think about it. and think about it. Take some time, not a day or week but at least a month. Don't make someone a priority when they just made you an option. That'll eat away at you if you get back together anytime soon.

[Daniel5987]

If she contacts you for another go, that's your decision to make. Unless she does it within the next hour, then take some time off her. That means if she says I want to try again, you say I don't know, i need some time to think about it. and think about it. Take some time, not a day or week but at least a month. Don't make someone a priority when they just made you an option. That'll eat away at you if you get back together anytime soon.

 

Honestly, I know who she is and she isn't a horrible person but from what I've told people can only see that. Thank you for your response, and that's true I wasn't even a priority with her she had other things above me in the end of the relationship so your right there.

 

I doubt we'll get back together man, she's so stubborn and would expect me to show effort even though she doesn't want to get back with me.. Crazy!? She told me if still loved her I'd be making so much effort, fighting to win her over and that. Well I do love her but she said she doesn't want a relationship... What can I do?

 

Never mind! Everyone's advice has been helpful and ive taken it all on board.

[Jose11]

She wants you to go for it? Don't.

 

You tell her it's not your spot to convince her. She shouldn't feel like she has to be with you, or that she needs to be with, but that she WANTS to be with you willingly. Anything outside of that and you'll be right back where you are with her in time. It could happen again in 3 months, 6 months or a year later. But anything outside her own free will is just asking for more problems.

[Daniel5987]

She wants you to go for it? Don't.

 

You tell her it's not your spot to convince her. She shouldn't feel like she has to be with you, or that she needs to be with, but that she WANTS to be with you willingly. Anything outside of that and you'll be right back where you are with her in time. It could happen again in 3 months, 6 months or a year later. But anything outside her own free will is just asking for more problems.

 

Yeah thats true, I wish I thought of all these things to say to her when we spoke a week or so ago, but I just couldn't get my words out if you get what I mean? I said I couldn't be a friend I knew I'd eventually get hurt but all this "she should want me back" makes so much sense and I wish I told her that.

 

If she contacts me il ignore OTHER than a genuine apology and wanting a second chance with me then il talk.