life and love

[istudytoomuch]

I have a general question.

 

I'm a senior in college, am male, am 21, and I live at home with my parents. My campus is about 20 minutes from home. My major is technical and time-consuming, and I am a bona-fide workaholic. If I don't get nearly straight A's, I panic. I am also planning to move away (away = 1000 miles) for graduate school next near.

 

Why is he posting this in the love forum, you ask?

 

Well, here's the deal. I have been so studious throughout college that I have not taken any time to meet women. I am lonely. My junior and senior years is has really caught up with me and been bothering me. I'm almost 22 and have never had a girlfriend, and I dare to admit I've never kissed a woman.

 

The few times I have dated, I've always begun to panic and say to myself "I don't have time to go out... what about classes?" I feel that I've been using this as a copout excuse and wonder if I have some sort of psychological problems related to love or fear of a relationship.

 

There's no question in my mind that I would like to have a girlfriend. I just don't know what it means to have one, or how to establish a relationship leading to romance. I have also thought to myself that since I am moving away next year, it would be foolish to start a relationship. Sometimes this situation depresses me and I don't know what to do. I tell myself that I will meet someone in graduate school, but when I was in high school I told myself I'd meet someone in college. I'm putting it off. Any serious thoughts would be appreciated. I'm confused as to how to balance my goals and be able to achieve success in love as well as in other areas of my life (e.g., school). I know this is sort of vague and I'm not really asking a direct question, but if there are others who have been in my situation or are in it, please share your thoughts! Thanks!

[Paulie]

Yeah, man...I know exactly where you're coming from, exactly. I never kissed a girl until I was 19. But right after that, I became a goddamn Cassanova (although lately can't seem to get my groove on too well).

 

Do you have friends, that you could go out to a party with?? If so, go with them. Start conversation with a girl...a friendly conversation, about ANYTHING. Talk about how the parties are at this school, the basketball team, what she does on the weekends is always a good one to talk about.

 

Is there a girl you are attracted to in class? I'm sure there are several. Sit behind her, and find some reason to ask her a question about a handout, what the teacher just said, establish some "little joke, inside thing" between the two of you, etc. It's EASY. Then, you see her around, in the hallways, cafeteria, etc...say hello, stop her, maybe laugh and tell how wild your weekend was (be sensitive, alot of chicks don't like the gross, war-story stuff...but some do).

 

After doing this a few times, you'll be able to ascertain if she's attracted to you, flirts with you, and have the SACK to return the flirt if she does flirt with you. Dress cool. Ask cool guys that you hang out with to make sure you are dressing cool. Appearance is a must.

 

If you have trouble getting the SACK to get up the confidence to do these things, do something I used to do. At the end of a weekend, I would get SOOO PISSED at myself...I mean REALLY PISSED, for not having the GUTS to talk to a girl, not necessarily have sex with one, but I liked to be able to at least have some kind of contact that might lead to something. If nothing happened, because of my lack of guts, I would get so mad at myself, that I would try to remember how angry I was the next time I didn't have the guts. That usually got me to start talking to girls, at least at first.

 

Need more? Just ask.

 

Been there, done that...

 

Later,

 

Paulie

[Nina]

Well, as a person in teh filed of psychology I can tell you that from what you've written there is definately some issue here that lies deeper than just being busy all the time. I know plenty of very busy people who make time for their socail life, including a friend who owns his own karate dojo and teaches, owns his own lawfirm and practices, organizes martial arts competitions, does announcing on ESPN2's kickboxing show and who has a pregnant wife. Now that's busy! My brother-in-law is in grad school fro mechanical engineering adnis writing his thesis, works full time at a biomedical engineering firm, is applying for a government grant doing independent research adn has his own internet business!

 

The issue here is whether you're avoiding these situations because you're afraid or because you're obsessive about your work. Either way is unhealthy. I think that this definately merits further and deeper examination than one short posting could go into. And a good analysis also requires more input from you. How are your platonic friendships with other men? How is your relationship with your parents, esp. your mother? Do you feel any physiological symptoms when in social situations, or do you feel phsyiological symptoms when you think about your schoolwork?

 

Most colleges have free counseling services at their infirmary. Why don't you go talk to one of the counselors there, if you're truely serious about finding a solution. I am engaged to be married next June to the love of my life, and I can tell you that true love is indescribeable, wonderful, fulfilling in was that work adn school don't even come close to. To hold him, think of him, kiss him, smell his skin and touch his hair even after nearly two years of living together, is the most precious thing to me. I feel that everyone has the ability and deserves to feel that deep feeling of love, all it takes is empathy and understanding and loving intentions. Many people are simply unable to access this part of themselves. Please seek help so that you can experience them.

[Taressa]

Such a nice sounding man; I think you're going to have no problem.

 

First, before seeking love, try to build some of the friendships that may have gone by the wayside as you've devoted your time and energies to school. Those friendships will ease your loneliness and help you approach love from a stronger stance.

 

And although any romantic relationship you begin right now doesn't have a really great chance at surviving such a long-distance move, you may be able to have a beautiful time with a special lady who might need your company too. Try to control those burning passions since you already foresee an end to the relationship. But I believe a short-term dating relationship might build the confidence and the understanding of women you might need. It could be a beautiful time for both of you.

 

Best wishes for continued success at school, and in this heart's desire for companionship. Keep it all in perspective... I admire your drive for perfection, but when you're 70, 80 years old, it's your spirit and kindness that will keep your wife's favor.

[Larry]

should I try to be a straight A student If you are then you think too much. Larry likes girls. Larry likes to eat good food

 

, am male, am 21,

and I live at home with my parents. My campus is about 20 minutes from home. My major is technical and time-consuming, and I am a bona-fide workaholic. If I don't get nearly straight A's, I panic. I am also planning to move away (away = 1000 miles) for graduate school next near. Why is he posting this in the love forum, you ask? Well, here's the deal. I have been so studious throughout college that I have not taken any time to meet women. I am lonely. My junior and senior years is has really caught up with me and been bothering me. I'm almost 22 and have never had a girlfriend, and I dare to admit I've never kissed a woman. The few times I have dated, I've always begun to panic and say to myself "I don't have time to go out... what about classes?" I feel that I've been using this as a copout excuse and wonder if I have some sort of psychological problems related to love or fear of a relationship.

 

There's no question in my mind that I would like to have a girlfriend. I just don't know what it means to have one, or how to establish a relationship leading to romance. I have also thought to myself that since I am moving away next year, it would be foolish to start a relationship. Sometimes this situation depresses me and I don't know what to do. I tell myself that I will meet someone in graduate school, but when I was in high school I told myself I'd meet someone in college. I'm putting it off. Any serious thoughts would be appreciated. I'm confused as to how to balance my goals and be able to achieve success in love as well as in other areas of my life (e.g., school). I know this is sort of vague and I'm not really asking a direct question, but if there are others who have been in my situation or are in it, please share your thoughts! Thanks!

[kalik]

I've gotta tell you. I too was a late bloomer, inasmuch as that I didn't have a serious girlfriend until this year, and I'm 23! But I started really getting out of my shell a few years ago, and boy was it nice. I regret that I never had the guts to take a chance before that. After all, if you never take any risks in life, you stand to only gain what you already have.

 

In the end, do what your heart tells you. But never be afraid. The worst thing that can happen is rejection, and there are over 200 million women in the USA today. So you can't go wrong THAT many times!

 

If you're not sure about what to do, remember this:

 

"Some people ask why?"

 

"Some people ask why not?"

 

-George Bernard Shaw

 

And I'm pretty sure you used to be the first, just like I did. But life is a lot better when you take the second. Never fear. And never have regrets. Those are ten times worse than being turned down.

 

Good Luck!

 

Kalik